Neighbour taken mother's car keys..... would the police intervene

[whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem]

Simple facts.

Neighbour has done a lot for mum over the years
He has now convinced himself she has dementia and she can't drive
He wants me to put her in a home

The ulterior motive is He wants to buy mums house for his son and buy mums car.

I live 300 miles away and do what i can. Only this weekend I got her admitted to hospital for an assessment I didn't think she needed as I was with her the week before last. She passed flying colours.

He took her keys off her three weeks ago and I made him give them back then he had a go at me for letting her drive.

Now he's walked into her house taken her keys again and said she won't be needing them again.

I've threatened the police if he doesn't give them back but worried its an idle threat.

This isn't the case. If you are already in receipt of DLA/PIP prior to pension age, then this can be continued. But you cannot start a new claim after pension age.

@whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem Slightly off topic, but has your Mum been assessed for Attendance Allowance? Her limited mobility due to the arthritis will probably mean that she’s eligible. My Dad (85) was assessed and deemed eligible a couple of years ago as he has multiple health conditions. It’s to help older people remain independent and when my Dad was being stubborn about having more help at home (cleaning, light housekeeping) I reminded him that this allowance is exactly for these things. He now accepts help more willingly. It helps that his cleaner also visits a friend of his once a week and does his washing, etc. Dad feels that if “Richard“ has this help, he should too!

It's not his decision . The Gp can assess this. I would contact social services and raise a. Safeguarding. Report to the police also as other have said.
tell them you believe your mum is at risk

Just read all your comments @whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem - please ensure you get all sets of keys back from the NDN, Including the house keys! Change locks if necessary.
He’s hugely overstepped, and while you appreciate his past help this can’t continue! Maybe if he stops interfering then mum will except she needs help!

She will be entitle to Direct Payments in order she can directly pay a PA to help with personal care, and the jobs she is unable to do.

That depends. If the things she's unable to do are things like basic DIY or cleaning, she'll not get social care, they'll expect her to employ someone from her own pocket to do those things she can't. There's no evidence from OP's posts that her mother has care needs anyway, only mobility needs.

Also OP social services are no keener to dish out direct payments than they are to provide any other forms of social care, regardless of whether a person meets the criteria to be entitled to them.

Glad the police are going to deal with him. Do they realise he has several sets of keys for the car and keys for the house too? I wouldn't put it past him to try to keep hold of a set of car keys because I bet he's been using the car for his own personal use and he won't want to stop doing that.

You need to get the locks on the house changed too. He can't just waltz in and out taking whatever he fancies whenever she's in hospital.

Get the car keys back, change the locks, and I'd get a bloody restraining order. Carrying someone's shopping in is not doing alot for them. Your Mum has a brother who lives local to her and goes round 4 times a week. She doesn't need some shitty neighbour carrying her pot Noddles under the guise of being nice and then robbing her at the same time.

I'd be livid. Absolutely livid if someone tried to take advantage of my Mum like that. There's no way I'd be entertaining that relationship. Normal people do not go round their friends houses and clear out all the food because they've been in hospital a couple of hours.

He's on the scrounge and it will get worse. I'm telling you over the next couple of years it will be the TV because she doesn't really watch it, a sofa because she doesn't need two and 'she said it was ok' blah blah blah.

Kick him in to touch and change the locks.

I'm glad the police are getting involved. It sounds like he's emotionally abusing your poor Mum. I'd get them to check he hasn't stolen money for DIY at the same time and probably change the locks.

Hopefully your Uncle can intervene a bit to stop this happening.

I am 48 1/2 never got to use a mobile till I was 23 and it was borrowed an emergency big old Motorola.

Hi what a nightmare for you and her! You haven't mentioned her reaction, but I bet she is feeling spooked by him. You've had some great suggestions here, but I would also consider you and your mum talking to her GP together. First this will reinforce that she has capacity and create a record of her state of mind at community level - in addition to the hospital assessment - and secondly the GP may well have ideas about actions you can take to protect your mum from abusive interventions. Also Age UK?

Everything has been said really, but I remain gobsmacked by a neighbour taking things to this level especially considering all the steps you have taken for your DM and you are obviously beyond proactively facing up to the situation.

Regarding care for my parent, we found a care company that kept parent in their home (despite complications with physical and mental health) by troubleshooting issues and finding intuitive, kind and innovative solutions. It was a very small company with an experienced and savvy hands on owner with forward thinking staff and I feel blessed that we had them.

Parent was resistant to having care, but needed the help. The care company managed their introduction into parent’s life very well. We started off with short sessions a couple of times a day and extended as needed. We were lucky, but it may be worth looking at smaller companies if they are available in your DM’s area as their whole approach won parent over very quickly. Parent kept their dignity and that’s super important.

Finally big hugs. Parenting the parent is very hard and from a distance - so much harder!

Why is your mum allowing this to happen? By acting as her advocate you're almost implying she is incapable of making decisions. Your mum obviously has a close and trusting relationship with this neighbour. Do you think they're setting out to confuse and dupe her? I'm not quite sure how a neighbour could get her put in a care home if this wasnt appropriate for her. As forcthe car, do she enjoy driving and the independence its gives her. When did she last drive? Has she had any driving related incidents lately thar might be significant.
I'm not sure the Police will get involved unless your mum is saying they've done those without her consent.

UPDATE: The police have been, my mum has her keys back and her house key. They asked her if she wanted to press charges and she said no, she was happy with the resolution as it is.

NDN then sent me a Whatapps saying as of 1030 he had given both keys and the house key to the police and that he was no way responsible for my mum anymore,. That his heart is racing and his BP is high as a result and with his condition he has to look after himself. He was sorry it came to this but I'd have to make other arrangements with mum.

I just replied and said I was sorry it came to this as well but if he's just not taken the keys or at least given them back when we asked him to , it would not have come to this. I also said I don't mind having to put in something for my mum beause I've been telling her for years she can't keep relying on neighbours help.

Police were at mums for a good two hours getting full statement and making sure her house was secure/checking nothing had been tampered with. I spoke to them and they said from what they saw, they have no reason of concern and would not be referring anything. Obviously, if we had concerns to speak to her doctor but from their perspective there is no reason for them to suggest she not drive.

A fall alarm is on its way and she's agreed to always keep a phone handset on her so that if she falls she can phone me or 999 until then

She's going to do her shopping on line so that she has no issues with getting it in from her car. I'm going to help her set up Ocado as they will bring the shopping in in bags for her rather than dump it in a tray and expect her to unload it.

If she needs non urgent jobs done she'll make a list so that when I'm down there either I can do it or DH will come down with me if its out of my skill set. (He's retired).

I've gotten the name of an emergency DIY man from a friend who still lives in the area and I've stayed in contact with. But she has domestic emergency cover so she can always claim on that.

After Christmas when I'm down there next, I am going to put a couple of extra ring cameras around the house for use in emergencies. I already have the doorbell and one on her garden.

She's going to ask her current cleaner to come in every week for 4 hours not just two every fortnight and help her with her laundry etc.

She has no personal care needs so there is nothing on that front. Her needs are purely that she walks with two crutches or a trolley/zimmer so she struggles to carry stuff and walk if it won't fit on her trolley.

I don't think there is much more I can do at the moment.

Now I need to get on with some work before I lose my job as well.

Thank you for all your help and advice, its kept me going over the last few days.

Hi

It has happened slowly. We've known NDN for nearly 40 years. He was good friends with my Dad.

Very gradually over the years he's done a bit more and more to help out mum. But a bit like boiling a frog, its happened gradually. He's always been a little hitler in some ways and very its his way or no way. There is always an ulterior motive with him as well......... NDN is always scheming something or trying to see how he can benefit. However we were naive in thinking he was being genuine.

So when it started off by being him commenting on her shopping, we initially wrote it off saying it was just NDN being NDN.

We have relied on him too much over the years and thats on us. We take full ownership of that.

The house and care home thing...... His son rents on the same street and he's always said he'd love for his son to own a house near him. When my mothers other neighbour died, he made such an insulting offer on the house when the daughters were selling it, they point blank refused to sell it to him on any grounds. Ever since then, he started up the "you don't realise your mother needs looking after, she can't cope at home"....... which has gotten louder and louder as time went on. I can't help but see the coincidence.

He knows the car is motability and on lease however he is also friends with the local coordinator. Motability sell on their cars when they come off lease. He had his eyes on my mums car and fully intended to buy it from motability via his friend. It as supposed to be off lease this month but she's decided to keep it an extra two years. It was at that point, he started going on about her not being able to drive anymore. Again, it might be a coincidence.

I. just wish it had not come to what it came to. But that was on him. His way or no way.

@whenlifegivesyoulemonssuckonthem That’s a great outcome. Sounds like the police handled it well and I am glad that your mum got both sets of keys back.

You sound like a wonderful daughter. Your mum is lucky to have you.

Well done, OP.

I'm really glad the Police are in agreement that DM is fine to drive etc and that the neighbour has returned house keys, as well as car keys.

When the dust has settled, it may well be that this incident turns out to have been a blessing in disguise - a stressful one, granted, but the thing that is the catalyst for DM accepting more help where needed from better sources.

I just wish I could get down there before FEb but I can't.

Its my wedding anniversary this weekend and I have a non cancellable weekend at a very expensive spa hotel booked and my mother would actually kill me if I cancelled because of her.

Then its Christmas and I'm going to the inlaws. I never spend Christmas with mum as she goes out with uncle and another elderly aunt and her DH on his side for Christmas dinner. She won't have Christmas away from home and I don't really want to spend it in gods waiting room since the topic of conversation is always which one of them do they think won't be here next Christmas. Obviously if she was on her own, I'd change that.

Then early Jan I'm on holiday for three weeks and back on 2nd Feb so it will be Feb before I see her next and actually will be one of the longest gaps between visits I've ever done. I would go and see her before the holiday but when I suggested it, she hit the roof because she knows how tired I am and said the last thing I needed was spending hours on the M6 or on a train!

Well handled OP and btw your mum sounds brilliant too. I love how she is looking out for you too. I hope all goes well

This seem to be a pretty good outcome and so pleased to hear that she is happy to have the cleaner in for more time. Hopefully she will be less resistant if she needs more help in future.
It must have been such a worry for you, but having her brother visiting is great.

Its my dad brother. My mum is literally last man standing on her side. Her dad was killed in the war, her gran died when she was little. Then in the early 80s, he eldest brother died from heart failure caused by rheumatic fever when he was a kid, He'd has one heart valve replacement and said he'd never had another. Her other Brother was murdered.

Both brothers were in their 40s at the time and neither of them ever had kids.

Then her mother died from cancer the following year. So by the time I was 6 there was only my mum left.

Then 17 years ago she lost my dad to cancer when he was only 59 - that was the year she learned to drive as she realised once he was gone, she'd have to drive herself. She was older than him so passed her test at 63 the month before he died.

All those family deaths before their time - how very sad.

Goodness your Mum has suffered a lot of losses in her life. She sounds remarkably stoic and independent and you sound like a wonderfully loving and supportive daughter. It's also lovely that despite her difficulties your Mum can also see how tired you are and is also looking out for your wellbeing by not wanting you to visit until after your holiday.

I hope you all have a good Christmas and that you have a wonderful holiday Op and come back well rested.

I don't think you could do more OP, and what you have posted is a template to follow for the rest of us when /if the time comes. So have a lovely anniversary and Christmas, not to mention New Year.

Really good news, OP. These things happen and vulnerable people are at the highest risk of them happening, so I’m super glad the police took note.

Well done OP, that sounds like a great set-up. I'm so glad you got it sorted. It sounds like over time your NDN was gradually becoming more and more and ultimately too involved with your mum and then completely overstepped.
It would be nice if they could repair their friendship to just mild neighbourliness with very clear boundaries if he was close with your Dad.

Best of luck with it all - and happy anniversary. Hope you have a very relaxing Christmas - and your mum does too

Just wishing your mum all the best.