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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Isthisexpected · 31/05/2023 20:30

Something fishy is going on here. I would absolutely ask to speak to his solicitor directly and then get independent advice too. This has nothing to do with his ex at all. It's all on him.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 20:30

His solicitor is telling you to get involved because that's more ££££ for him isn't it? Solicitors write any old shite. You are under absolutely no obligation to tell her (ex) anything at all.

MargotBamborough · 31/05/2023 20:30

Honestly OP, I would get rid of him. He and his ex sound as bad as each other.

If you aren't with him anymore then your salary will be of no relevance to him in any way and he can proceed with his divorce unencumbered.

FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 20:31

He was quite happy to go along with proceedings especially as our relationship had become serious but has now said he will delay the divorce if I don’t disclose my financials as ‘apparently’ he can’t get divorced if I don’t provide the financials.

You need to be very clear to him that your finances have absolutely nothing to do with his divorce or frankly him at this stage of the relationship (as long as you pay your contribution to your living expenses) and if he uses that as an excuse to delay things then there are some major red flags waving

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/05/2023 20:31

Id be moving out asap and please please please stop paying for this mans children, donate to a children's charity f you want to spend your money.

drpet49 · 31/05/2023 20:31

zoomiesdrivememad · 31/05/2023 19:02

Absolutely do not disclose.

Even if she went through CMS for maintenance they cannot take your financials into account.

I'd have thought a good solicitor would advise that you don't have to do this.

This. She is utterly taking the piss.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 31/05/2023 20:31

chezpopbang · 31/05/2023 20:02

Unfortunately all these people are wrong. She can ask because you are living together and household income has a bearing on childcare payments. If you have a solicitor why are you not getting advice from them?

She can ask, but OP doesn’t have to answer.

VivaVivaa · 31/05/2023 20:32

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

Your boyfriend handed over 80% of the largest marital asset without any kind of financial settlement or divorce to the person who had supposedly cheated on him multiple times and then left him. I just don’t believe this story for a second. The alarm bells are deafening. I think you’d be a total fool to stay with him but if, godforbid, you do then yes. I think you should seek your own legal advice and separate all finances from him going forwards.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/05/2023 20:32

Isthisexpected · 31/05/2023 20:30

Something fishy is going on here. I would absolutely ask to speak to his solicitor directly and then get independent advice too. This has nothing to do with his ex at all. It's all on him.

Very fishy! OP needs to tread carefully. Who know what he is planning behind her back.

BlackFlyChardonnay · 31/05/2023 20:32

Definitely seek your own advice. However, even if a solicitor corroborates what he's saying - you don't have to agree if you don't want to. You have the option of walking away from this all.

I think you need to have a think about why he's trying to bully you in to doing this and why, for not even one second, he is considerate to your apprehension at all. Regardless of the divorce stuff, it seems like he's not that nice to you?

lamaze1 · 31/05/2023 20:32

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

Seriously op. The fact he who doesn't like confrontation has had the cheek to put pressure on, and get boldly with you is not worth your time. I'd be leaving the relationship. He sounds awful and clearly doesn't respect you!

FairAcre · 31/05/2023 20:33

Maybe put some distance between you until he is divorced. Move into your own accommodation and then your financial situation is separate from his. You can reassess things once he is divorced.

FictionalCharacter · 31/05/2023 20:33

"‘apparently’ he can’t get divorced if I don’t provide the financials."
He's talking bollocks. And saying she'll get a court order against you and it will cost you money? It's their divorce, the legal stuff is their problem.
Please be careful. He doesn't sound trustworthy or sensible.

Hellno45 · 31/05/2023 20:33

Sorry. I think you need to end this relationship. He sounds like a spineless prat. Can you really see a future with him? He will always be spineless. His ex will always be kicking off, lurking in the background and creating drama. While you'll be paying more so she can do less. You'll be minding the kids, cleaning up after the kid, financially/emotionally/psychologically supporting the kids while being taken the piss out of by her and he will do nothing to support you or stand up for you. Only a mug would put up with this shit.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:34

To be fair to DP he is a good dad. He pays for pretty much everything even when they’re at their mums. I help out with costs when they’re here too.

Their eldest has made comment to me that mum refuses to pay for things for them, stating ‘get your dad and Needhelp1000 to buy it!’

It just stings when she is now sniffing around my financials and DP is not standing up for me. Hard to read but I needed to see all these comments tonight.

OP posts:
Hogsmeadpiglet · 31/05/2023 20:34

musixa · 31/05/2023 19:09

She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

😂

How does she know this?

Hellno45 · 31/05/2023 20:35

DONT GET PREGNANT AND LUMBER YOURSELF WITH A LIFETIME OF THIS PRAT.

ALSO DONT MARRY HIM.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 20:35

I got divorced without my new bf disclosing anything... Utter shite that bit. What he wants is for you to pay for his divorce..

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 31/05/2023 20:35

unsync · 31/05/2023 20:14

After six months of cohabitation you are supposed to disclose as the relationship is considered stable. The Court takes a dim view of the information being withheld and will assume you are hiding income and/or assets. This then usually will benefit the other party. I speak from experience.

My suggestion is to disclose or move out until the settlement is reached. Your partner should go for a clean break settlement.

This is rubbish.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 20:36

I could not be with someone as stupid, spineless and stroppy as him, OP. I think you should rethink the relationship.

Why on earth he hasn’t sorted his divorce out before now is beyond me, but he’s coming across as a weak little weed.

Why he feels justified in making his divorce and grabby wife your problem and threatening you with his solicitor fees, I can’t imagine.

Nervousmum98626 · 31/05/2023 20:36

The legal queen on Instagram actually had something about this recently and it seems you do have to disclose to proceed unfortunately but I would get a free consult with a lawyer yourself to confirm… seems super messy sorry :(

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 20:37

To be fair to DP he is a good dad.

Oh no, OP, not another "good dad".

I despair of the threads on here where the man is shown as a twat of the first order and to find something positive to say, the thread poster says that said man is a good dad.

Great, OP, let him crack on with being this good dad, he's not a good partner, which is what you need to be concerned about.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 20:38

Nervousmum98626 · 31/05/2023 20:36

The legal queen on Instagram actually had something about this recently and it seems you do have to disclose to proceed unfortunately but I would get a free consult with a lawyer yourself to confirm… seems super messy sorry :(

Just dump the twat. Cheaper. Easier. Better.

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 31/05/2023 20:38

Sorry I think your salary has fuck all to do with her.. correct me if I'm wrong please?
If I were you I'd seek your own professional/legal advice on this but surely this can't be right!? Wtf

ThatOnePlease · 31/05/2023 20:38

Leave him.

His wife (she's not his ex; she's still his wife) holds more sway with him than you do. He will not stand up for you, and this will only get worse.

Don't hire a solicitor - don't get caught up in their divorce. Don't get caught up in their imploding relationship.

Just leave. Take your stuff and your bank statements and get out.

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