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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
InSpainTheRain · 31/05/2023 20:39

He is talking rubbish - honestly if I were you I would either (1) run far and fast (especially as he was about to disclose your details, what was he thinking?!) or (2) if you really want to stay together get your own solicitor and take advice. There is a lot at stake here. I'd do option 1, he sounds a twat.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:39

@BishopRock apologies, I knows it’s cliché- have thought the same on other threads!

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 31/05/2023 20:40

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 20:37

To be fair to DP he is a good dad.

Oh no, OP, not another "good dad".

I despair of the threads on here where the man is shown as a twat of the first order and to find something positive to say, the thread poster says that said man is a good dad.

Great, OP, let him crack on with being this good dad, he's not a good partner, which is what you need to be concerned about.

He's such a good dad that he wants to help his ex use OP's money to support his kids!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 31/05/2023 20:40

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

That alone would make me so bloody angry I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship one more moment. How damn well dare he?

For someone who doesn't like confrontation, OP, he doesn't seem to have an issue confronting you.

Mama2six · 31/05/2023 20:41

He is gaslighting you making you feel like any of this is on you? Honestly good dad or not he is definitely not a good partner, pick your standards up off the floor you deserve better and let them both crack on. A relationship shouldn’t be this hard and he should have been telling her that your financials are nothing to do with her

Tannedandfake · 31/05/2023 20:42

chezpopbang · 31/05/2023 20:02

Unfortunately all these people are wrong. She can ask because you are living together and household income has a bearing on childcare payments. If you have a solicitor why are you not getting advice from them?

Exactly this!
it’s not about maintenance costs, it’s about housing etc.

itwasntmetho · 31/05/2023 20:42

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 20:37

To be fair to DP he is a good dad.

Oh no, OP, not another "good dad".

I despair of the threads on here where the man is shown as a twat of the first order and to find something positive to say, the thread poster says that said man is a good dad.

Great, OP, let him crack on with being this good dad, he's not a good partner, which is what you need to be concerned about.

Agree with this, he's not your Dad so that's not a selling point.

worktired · 31/05/2023 20:43

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

This would enrage me OP. I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who thought this was appropriate.

How soon could you move out? Is there anywhere you can stay while your house completes?

You deserve so much better than this.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 31/05/2023 20:44

You are being given some wrong information here.

Your DH has a duty to disclose your income and capital assets in any financial remedy application, because you live together. The obligation to disclose is his. Not yours. If he genuinely does not know these details and says that in the form, then the other side may seek to have a witness summons against you, to have you appear at court as a witness. That does not happen very often. But I have known it.

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2023 20:45

With respect, @Needhelp1000, are you sure you can't do better than this bloke? He doesn't sound like a prize.

Jagoda · 31/05/2023 20:45

So now he wants you to pay his legal costs too!!!?????

The absolute cheeky duckers of it!!

No, I don’t think you should bother wasting your money on your own legal advice @Needhelp1000 because what you should do is move out ASAP.

Do you have somewhere you can go whilst you wait on purchase of your own property?

Dont let him sweet talk you round. You have seen the real him now. His mask has slipped.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:46

worktired · 31/05/2023 20:43

This would enrage me OP. I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who thought this was appropriate.

How soon could you move out? Is there anywhere you can stay while your house completes?

You deserve so much better than this.

Show quote history

Thankfully I have family nearby who are happy to accommodate me.

I need to make a decision to be honest. It’s not been easy and the last few weeks have been difficult. My gut instinct is telling me to leave and to start afresh on my own.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 31/05/2023 20:46

His solicitor bills are his bills, they've got fuck all to do with you and he wouldn't be in this position if he hadn't tried to be sneaky and wait out the children to age out.

Honestly op just leave, he is willing to upset you like this rather than deal with his ex and it will happen All. The. Time.
It will never change, you will always come second, third, fourth to his wife.

Ellie56 · 31/05/2023 20:46

For someone who doesn't like confrontation, OP, he doesn't seem to have an issue confronting you.

I agree.

I'd be out of there tonight. Pack your stuff, cancel the cheap childcare and run for the hills.
Leave the twat and his grabby wife (As PP said she's not his Ex) to sort themselves and their divorce out.

You can do a lot better than this.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 31/05/2023 20:47

Nervousmum98626 · 31/05/2023 20:36

The legal queen on Instagram actually had something about this recently and it seems you do have to disclose to proceed unfortunately but I would get a free consult with a lawyer yourself to confirm… seems super messy sorry :(

No OP doesn’t have to disclose anything to anyone. The DP has to make a disclosure “as far as is known”.

He doesn’t know anything, so he has nothing to disclose.

Without disclosure it is assumed that the DP only has to pay half rent and half bills etc., and it’s this that is taken into account by the court.

That is all. OP’s financial situation is private to her and she can’t be forced to tell her DP.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 20:47

Suggest he pay for you to seek legal advice for dealing with his dw...

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 20:48

I think it says a lot about this man that he automatically capitulates, and rants at his partner to disclose her income, goes off in a sulk, then tells her she'll have to pay her own legal bills...

Instead of telling her what's happened and having a discussion together about how to proceed, a discussion that might include suggesting she moves out until after the divorce, when they can discuss what happens next. And that may include his partner living in her own place for a time.

But he should never have put his partner in this position in the first place, because four years is plenty of time to have already got divorced.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:48

DP doesn’t actually know my exact salary - he knows a ballpark figure but I’ve never actually told him the exact figure. He’s never really asked. I’ve always paid my way.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2023 20:48

@Needhelp1000

How soon will your house purchase be completed? Because I'd be moving in the next day!

Just out of curiosity, just how much does your DP know about your actual financials? Perhaps part of his 'insistence' on you disclosing is to get information that's none of his business in the first place.

And now he's demanding you pay his legal bills? Fuck that!

You know, if you stay with this man, disclosure or no, you are looking at a lifetime of hassle from his exW (it won't stop when the DC are adults). And also a lifetime of financial nitpicking and squabbling with him. And God help you if you have a child with him. He'll be the type to expect that all child expenses should be paid by you. Frankly, I'd cut bait right now. Or at least I'd never live with him.

Garrard · 31/05/2023 20:50

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

WTAF?

He is quite something.

You don't need to see a solicitor. The only thing you need to do is leave this relationship and stop paying for your boyfriend and his estranged wife and their children.

I know it's really easy to slide into this kind of situation and then wonder how the hell you got there - but honestly, do yourself a favour and leave them to slug it out between themselves.

Unfortunately I'm inclined to agree with PP who say that the man wants you to disclose your income in order to minimise his own contributions to his wife.

Bin him and find someone who doesn't have a wife and children.

Jagoda · 31/05/2023 20:50

Move out. Tell him it’s all too much and you need breathing space.

Then block him on everything and before long you will be able to laugh with your friends about how you escaped Cheeky Fucker of the Century.

Honestly OP, life is way too short for all this tedious drama.

Theypickedhim · 31/05/2023 20:51

There is a definite section on Form E for the cohabiting partner’s income.

drpet49 · 31/05/2023 20:51

ThatsNotGoodMelon · 31/05/2023 20:23

Get out OP. Cut your losses now.

He's a coward, and he's happy to throw you under a bus for an easy life.

This. He doesn’t have good intentions OP.

Ellie56 · 31/05/2023 20:51

@Needhelp1000

Listen to your gut instinct.

Hellno45 · 31/05/2023 20:52

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:46

Thankfully I have family nearby who are happy to accommodate me.

I need to make a decision to be honest. It’s not been easy and the last few weeks have been difficult. My gut instinct is telling me to leave and to start afresh on my own.

Show quote history

In the short term leaving will hurt. Ending a relationship can be painful. However, I think its in your best interest longterm.

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