Page 35 | DP’s ex after my salary

Needhelp1000 · 2023-05-31T17:57:39+00:00

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do. DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings. Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out. They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years. The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair. DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings. has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 08:38

Oh, OP, you sound like a lovely person ❤️

justme2022 · 02/06/2023 08:42

OP you sound like an absolute star.
Best of luck for your exams xx

DaaamnYoullDo · 02/06/2023 08:48

Goodwick with it all OP. You're doing the right thing!

Even if your solicitor was to say "oh yeah, you absolutely have to give than information. It's the law" the point is how he's treated you over it. Christ, you left your home and he continued to harass you about it, shows how worried he is about losing you.

I also don't understand how your wage is applicable to anything. You could be a billionaire, what has that got to do with their divorce, you're not married, he has no right to your money.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 02/06/2023 08:52

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 08:37

Being honest, and I know this may start off another debate, mum refused to pay out for it which is when I did offer to, to DP.

Thanks everyone, I do see the situation for what it is now. I do feel as if I’ve been way generous with my time and money - I didn’t want to see the kids without to be honest, I wanted to provide some emotional and financial stability.

thanks for the good luck for the exams. Hopefully I can have a clear head for them!

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You sound lovely OP and you are obviously very fond of the children. Remember though that they already have two parents and it isn’t your job to compensate for their inadequacies.

Good luck for your exams 🍀

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 08:59

Astrabees · 01/06/2023 20:48

Am I missing something here? I understand the wife already has 80% of the house and custody is 50/50. If this is so how can there
be an inquisition into OP’s means when there will nothing extra owed to the wife in any event?

Oh, I have a feeling the STBXW will be claiming mental, emotional or physical disability and have her hand out for whatever she can get. She refuses to work FT, makes her EX pay for everything for the children, even though it's a 50/50 split and now would like to get her grubby mitts on money the OP might have or assets. Even if she cannot get assets, if they take OP's income and assets intoi account, there is a chance the EXW would get a heftier settlement because the courts could feel the OP can pay for 75% of all expenses, freeing up money from the DP's earnings.
The STBXW sounds like a real horror and the OP needs to just walk away before she ends up never being able to save any money or have much money for her needs because she'll be subsidizing DP's and indirectly STBXW's lifestyle.

littleorchard45 · 02/06/2023 09:00

Good luck with your exams OP. My DH (been together 12+ years now, got together after he and ex wife split up) ex wife moved new man into family home (3 DSC) not that long after divorce but when my husband asked about reducing maintenance payments she pleaded poverty, although they were both working. I had DS by this time (we had an ooopsie moment…) and due to cost of nursery it wasn’t worth going back to work. DH still pays towards the mortgage on the family home even now, plus spousal maintenance and of course child maintenance. We were unable to buy a property until 3 years ago. I’ve never been asked about my income but I do know that it can affect how the man’s potential to support his ex and DC is perceived. I hope it all works out for the best for you and your future OP.

Countdown2023 · 02/06/2023 09:01

The shitty behaviour by both of them will result in them losing their golden goose.

This is not a relationship of equals if you are subbing his first family. It shows the importance of divorce and financial orders and clean breaks.

Place a higher value on yourself and don’t play second fiddle next time.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 09:03

ThePlasticScouser · 01/06/2023 20:55

OP, you sound like a really nice person. You are kind and thoughtful with his DC. You are intelligent and sensible with money. You have a professional career. As a single woman with a decent salary and a smart head, you will have savings and have made good financial decisions.

Your DP has found himself a real catch hasn't he? Someone with no baggage, who has a good job and some spare cash, and helps look after his DC. He has more baggage than Heathrow and you travel very light.

Then there is his ex. A toxic, lazy, money grabbing nightmare who will be around forever you know? Ex's like her don't go away after the divorce. There will be Unis, weddings, GC to talk about and they will have links FOREVER. She will be on your back for decades to come. You will never be able to get a new car, go on a nice holiday or move to a nice house without her trying to extract every last drain of blood for herself.

You know you deserve so much better don't you? You deserve someone who puts you first, who will buy a house 50/50 with you, your own DC. Just out of interest, how old are you?

Your DP, is not a man worth having. He was married to someone who run rings round him, and is still doing it. He's weak, and he is enabling her and you are her narcissistic supply.

The only email you need to now follow up with is:

Dear XXXX

I won't be disclosing my financial information now or in the future as we are no longer in a relationship and I will not be returning to your household. I am no longer willing to be part of this toxic set up.

Please do not contact me again about this demand and I will be making arrangements to collect my items from your house in the next week.

Well said!

Reugny · 02/06/2023 09:05

senua · 02/06/2023 08:27

As for school terms he tends to come back to ours after school until his dad drops him at his mums after he’s finished work
Wait, what!
You look after her child every day?
Your DP goes round to his ex's house every day?

Stand firm and bin this situation off.

This.

Oh and btw it is another red flag him going around to her house every day when they are not getting on.

If she doesn't get what she wants she can accuse him of anything. There are post on the step-parenting forum of exes who do this.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 09:12

@oneanddon
As others have pointed out, it is on the form he needs to fill out before a court makes a financial order during the divorce. It could mean she gets more of any assets eg, if you were a multi millionaire a judge might consider your DP could make do with a lower percentage of a certain asset. It affects your DP, not you. However, in this case a judge might also take into consideration the time of separation.

It concerns the OP because if they take more of DPs assets/earnings, she has to make up the shortfall and pay more than her share. Then, with that TW of an EXW, more of her earnings will go towards his DC since EXW doesn't pay for them at all, according to OP; so it seems EXW is keeping any CM/payments for her own use.
There is no way that OP doesn't end up the loser in this. Her DP should have gotten a divorce a LONG time ago and not have anyone moving in with him until it was totally settled and a "free clear" or whatever it's called in place.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 09:24

adriftabroad · 01/06/2023 22:52

He is a married man with 3 children
You are living in his (and his wifes house)
Brilliant, long standing posters who are legal have told you she is well within her rights to ask this and have patiently explained
Nobody is scamming you and nobody is taking your money

Which is why so many are telling the OP to run for the hills and let the milquetoast DudP and the greedy, cheating, lazy, nasty EX duke it out themselves. If they even do once OP steps away and EX cannot get her hands on more $$$. My bet is she will drop it once she finds out she'll not be able to know the OP's financials.

It's not her circus and not her clown car, so she should step away and live a great life without the ox yoke around her neck.

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 09:34

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 08:59

Oh, I have a feeling the STBXW will be claiming mental, emotional or physical disability and have her hand out for whatever she can get. She refuses to work FT, makes her EX pay for everything for the children, even though it's a 50/50 split and now would like to get her grubby mitts on money the OP might have or assets. Even if she cannot get assets, if they take OP's income and assets intoi account, there is a chance the EXW would get a heftier settlement because the courts could feel the OP can pay for 75% of all expenses, freeing up money from the DP's earnings.
The STBXW sounds like a real horror and the OP needs to just walk away before she ends up never being able to save any money or have much money for her needs because she'll be subsidizing DP's and indirectly STBXW's lifestyle.

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Yes, this is exactly how it is

OP posts:

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 09:40

Reugny · 02/06/2023 09:05

This.

Oh and btw it is another red flag him going around to her house every day when they are not getting on.

If she doesn't get what she wants she can accuse him of anything. There are post on the step-parenting forum of exes who do this.

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To be honest I’ve heard her on the phone to DP refusing to collect the child as ‘why should I?’ (Her words again!) so it does fall down to us. It’s a bit blurred to be honest because the children are wanting to live with DP but he wants them to have a relationship and time with their mum.

I’m realising how messy it all is now.

honestly I do see DP having the children full time eventually - she has even made noises about giving him full custody. As for that, it’s for them to sort. I’m really wishing to get out of it now and leave them to it. I’ve tried to detach but it’s bloody hard.

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 09:42

Well done, OP, I think this turning point may end up a blessing in disguise.

senua · 02/06/2023 09:45

I’ve tried to detach but it’s bloody hard.
It's always the nice people who get left holding the baby, to coin a phrase.
Detach and put yourself first, you have MN's instruction permission!

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 09:51

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 09:40

To be honest I’ve heard her on the phone to DP refusing to collect the child as ‘why should I?’ (Her words again!) so it does fall down to us. It’s a bit blurred to be honest because the children are wanting to live with DP but he wants them to have a relationship and time with their mum.

I’m realising how messy it all is now.

honestly I do see DP having the children full time eventually - she has even made noises about giving him full custody. As for that, it’s for them to sort. I’m really wishing to get out of it now and leave them to it. I’ve tried to detach but it’s bloody hard.

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Of course it's difficult. You get attached, you get involved and as kind and good-hearted as you are, it's not easy to say, "Enough is enough."

Best of luck on your exams. You got this! You have 100's of us cheering you onwards and upwards! 👏💯🎯⏫

Xenia · 02/06/2023 09:53

I cannot see what much you gain from living in his and his wife's house so may be best to move out.

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 09:59

I’d be annoyed if someone laid all this demanding shit on me as I was poised to do professional exams, he could have waited until after you’d sat them.

Good luck with your exams, concentrate on them rather then her parenting shortcomings over the next few days.

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:00

They don’t live in the ex-wife’s house @Xenia, he gave the ex-wife 80% of the equity and bought his own place well before sorting out the divorce.

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 10:02

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:00

They don’t live in the ex-wife’s house @Xenia, he gave the ex-wife 80% of the equity and bought his own place well before sorting out the divorce.

In one sense, they do, given there isn’t a financial settlement - both properties are marital assets, I think (IANAL)

Batalax · 02/06/2023 10:03

I think he sounds a good man always putting his children first, even if he is a bit weak not standing up to his ex.
I can understand op not wanting to stay involved but I don’t think he’s the monster people are portraying. At the end of the day he was only relaying factual information his solicitor was telling him.

JudgeJ · 02/06/2023 10:06

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 09:40

To be honest I’ve heard her on the phone to DP refusing to collect the child as ‘why should I?’ (Her words again!) so it does fall down to us. It’s a bit blurred to be honest because the children are wanting to live with DP but he wants them to have a relationship and time with their mum.

I’m realising how messy it all is now.

honestly I do see DP having the children full time eventually - she has even made noises about giving him full custody. As for that, it’s for them to sort. I’m really wishing to get out of it now and leave them to it. I’ve tried to detach but it’s bloody hard.

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Irrespective of your situation, I do hope that your DP gets 100% custody of his children as their mother only seems interested in their financial value then she can't have anything from him and will be ordered to contribute to their costs, she will be able to work full time to make this happen.

senua · 02/06/2023 10:07

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:00

They don’t live in the ex-wife’s house @Xenia, he gave the ex-wife 80% of the equity and bought his own place well before sorting out the divorce.

They are still married. All assets are marital assets. I think that Xenia was (brutally, as befits a lawyer ) pointing this out.

billy1966 · 02/06/2023 10:08

It's hard to overstate how much work 3 children are.

It is constant and fairly relentless.

To do such a thankless job for someone else's children of the calibre of people you describe, is beyond my comprehension.

They are two users.

Best of luck with your exams.

I think you will very shortly realise what a bullet you have dodged.

Working full-time, raising two other peoples 3 children, possibly full-time, is a level of sacrifice that is hard to fathom IMO.

JenWillsiam · 02/06/2023 10:14

Younglady18 · 02/06/2023 07:35

In a kinda reverse situation I was divorced with 4 small children. We were wrangling over child maintenance. Ex moved abroad. Met & married my second husband. Ex said ‘No’ to child maintenance’Your household income has hugely increased’ (due to DH salary).
Never received another penny.

That’s not the same at all and if you had gone to court in this country he would have had to pay.