Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 11:49

JoanThursday1972 · 02/06/2023 11:43

Why is it outing? Nobody knows you on here.

Show quote history

I suspect that there aren’t buckets of people in the uk who are about to sit professional exams, who have a DP with three teenage children that they recently moved in with etc etc. The more info in, the more the patchwork builds

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 11:49

I am also planning on returning to counselling because I need to work out how to stop being a people pleaser.

Cheers everyone :)

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 02/06/2023 11:50

👏👏🙌

mumda · 02/06/2023 11:50

@Needhelp1000 concentrate on your exams.
But come and update us when you're ready!

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 11:50

“A good example that now sticks in my mind is when she called at 6am one morning because she couldn’t get her kid out of bed (he was refusing to get out - typical teen) and he rushed off, when we were on a mini break, to go and help her. “

Wow!

I’m glad you have reached a decision

Kodi1981 · 02/06/2023 11:51

Hi if your not married to your DP then they can't take your wage or savings you don't need to give them your details just his for the divorce

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2023 11:58

I’m glad you’re seeing things more clearly now. Natural consequences would have been better for the teen even if it you weren’t on a mini break.

It sounds as if he does a lot of pandering to everyone, who isn’t you. It’s probably out of fear, because you’re a safe bet and don’t kick off, whereas his wife (albeit Stbx) and possibly his kids are more challenging.

He sounds pretty weak actually even though it may not feel it on the receiving end. The problem is that you get the shit stuff all the time.

Some therapy to work through why you got so enmeshed with him and work on your boundaries will be useful. I hope your exams go well.

T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 11:58

littleorchard45 · 02/06/2023 09:00

Good luck with your exams OP. My DH (been together 12+ years now, got together after he and ex wife split up) ex wife moved new man into family home (3 DSC) not that long after divorce but when my husband asked about reducing maintenance payments she pleaded poverty, although they were both working. I had DS by this time (we had an ooopsie moment…) and due to cost of nursery it wasn’t worth going back to work. DH still pays towards the mortgage on the family home even now, plus spousal maintenance and of course child maintenance. We were unable to buy a property until 3 years ago. I’ve never been asked about my income but I do know that it can affect how the man’s potential to support his ex and DC is perceived. I hope it all works out for the best for you and your future OP.

He needs to get a solicitor! I’ve looked into this ands spousal payments stop as soon as you move a new partner in or remarry

ThereIbledit · 02/06/2023 12:03

You are doing amazingly, you have your head screwed on properly and you're going to be just fine.

Time to kick ass in those exams, good luck!

lamaze1 · 02/06/2023 12:04

Good luck with your exams and everything OP!

Honeychickpea · 02/06/2023 12:08

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 02/06/2023 11:23

What I don't understand is why any self-respecting woman would want to take the money from another woman, who just happens to have married her ex-husband. Fair enough the husband/father paying his maintenance, but why and how does any one think taking another woman's hard-earned salary is acceptable? It blows my mind.

It seems that quite a lot of people are not self respecting, or indeed respecting of anyone else.

billy1966 · 02/06/2023 12:09

Well done OP.

Counselling will be beneficial as would the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

to help you assert yourself and your boundaries.

It took you a bit, but give yourself credit where it is due.

Your gut was niggling.
You listened to your gut.
You put up this thread.
You have read and taken on board the tough messages.
You have acknowledged and accepted that you have tolerated bullshit.
You get it.
You are taking firm action to no longer tolerate this.

You will get there.
You absolutely will move forward.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/06/2023 12:17

It looks to me, as an outsider, that you've made the right decision here! Good luck with your exams!

senua · 02/06/2023 12:20

I am leaving DP and he will be told once I return home.
Brava!
Aren't you glad that you kept your career going and are getting that just-in-case property. You are a wise woman.

3littlebearcubs · 02/06/2023 12:25

Just read your latest updates OP, I think you've made a wise decision to leave him and I think it's great you're going back to counselling to help you learn more about yourself. You come across as a very sensible and strong person. The best of luck with your exams and best wishes for a bright future!

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 02/06/2023 12:29

@senua
Good luck with those exams and your career and your house purchase.

You sound warm, kind and an excellent partner... and wise (except in choice of partner).

You deserve to be no. 1 to someone.

(2nd to his children perhaps but not to his ex-wife.)

I hope that my own children (also kind and loving and prone to see the best in others) will be as sensible as you and as ready to recognise when someone they could love is taking advantage of them.

littleorchard45 · 02/06/2023 12:29

I’m sure that is exactly the case - and she and new DP got married so I’m sure my DH shouldn’t still be paying…

glowfrog · 02/06/2023 12:30

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 11:49

I am also planning on returning to counselling because I need to work out how to stop being a people pleaser.

Cheers everyone :)

Well done, OP, and all the best of luck!

Idontgiveashitanymore · 02/06/2023 12:31

He’s bull shitting you , go to your own solicitor, do not give him any information. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

tonyatotter · 02/06/2023 12:32

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 11:47

Thinking about it this is so true.

many a time I’ve been pushed to the side because of her demands. I knew this was a legal thread initially but it seems to have become much more than that now.

A good example that now sticks in my mind is when she called at 6am one morning because she couldn’t get her kid out of bed (he was refusing to get out - typical teen) and he rushed off, when we were on a mini break, to go and help her. Looking back now I feel absolutely stupid! He has been enabling her behaviour.

This is such a mess.

I am leaving DP and he will be told once I return home.

I can’t thank you all enough.

Show quote history

Good for you OP, stick to your guns, don't buckle! his situation is just a no win for you and his Ex will be a thorn in your side forever.

You are really doing the right thing

Best wishes for your exams and future!

JoanThursday1972 · 02/06/2023 12:42

Pasithean · 31/05/2023 20:25

Been there. Still there. 30 years later she’s retired and left the 7th man, second husband since she was married to DH. Now realises she has spent all her money and wants more. Never gave details 30 years ago or now. Ignore ignore ignore. She has no right to even know what you make.

Why do these people think that being once married to someone entitles them to bankroll you for life, years after the children have flown the nest? It's really really nuts.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/06/2023 12:56

I have to say, OP, I'm really impressed with how you've handled this the last few days - not just the stress of situation with DP and his ex, but the business with the solicitor, moving out, making a decision about your relationship and all while coping with the stress of professional exams. I have a feeling you are going to ace them, and any employer who takes on someone as capable as you of seeing a situation, assessing it, taking advice then making a final decision is going to be a very fortunate employer.

Don't take this as patronising because it isn't meant that way, but you've really grown and changed over the last few days. Plus you have the self-awareness to see how you need to change and get help for that.

All the best 💟

Wheresthebeach · 02/06/2023 12:58

Similar story here. We had kids 50% of time, ex refused to work, claimed disability stopped her working at all (she did have hip issue) but it didn't stop her clubbing, going to Step and Spin classes (she ditched her gym membership for the financial disclosure). She's never worked a day since getting pregnant, and DH funded her. Her lawyers argued that 'lifestyle' at both homes had to be similar so my earning relevant. Its all done and dusted now, but I wish I'd handled it differently. They had be separated for several years when we met, but she'd been refusing to divorce as 'she never wanted to get married again, so why bother?'.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 02/06/2023 13:05

Leaving him and all the drama behind is the right thing to go Op. Good luck with your exams and best wishes for your happier future 💐

Thesharkradar · 02/06/2023 13:07

she never wanted to get married again, so why bother?
Translation- she knew she had a cannula permanently situated in his main artery and she wasn't letting that go

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.