Page 36 | DP’s ex after my salary

Needhelp1000 · 2023-05-31T17:57:39+00:00

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do. DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings. Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out. They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years. The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair. DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings. has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:14

Ok if both houses are considered marital assets then @Xenia has a point, seeing how this thread is in Legal and I’m no lawyer!

Flopsythebunny · 02/06/2023 10:19

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:00

They don’t live in the ex-wife’s house @Xenia, he gave the ex-wife 80% of the equity and bought his own place well before sorting out the divorce.

They are not divorced, the consent order hasn't been done. It's all marital properly until a judge signs it off.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/06/2023 10:25

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:00

They don’t live in the ex-wife’s house @Xenia, he gave the ex-wife 80% of the equity and bought his own place well before sorting out the divorce.

I’ve seen a very similar situation with friends. They weren’t divorced when he bought his own place, so I think both properties will be considered marital assets, although you would hope the court would take account of the equity handed over to ex wife from the original property.

Lolalady · 02/06/2023 10:27

having worked in family law for many years I can say that it is imperative your DP and his solicitor now implement a full financial settlement before applying for the Decree Absolute. This is known as a Consent Order. No Judge in his right mind would accept that the ex should only work 12 hours a week when the children are clearly old enough to be left. Your DP needs to grow a pair and maybe get a new solicitor!

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 10:34

Lolalady · 02/06/2023 10:27

having worked in family law for many years I can say that it is imperative your DP and his solicitor now implement a full financial settlement before applying for the Decree Absolute. This is known as a Consent Order. No Judge in his right mind would accept that the ex should only work 12 hours a week when the children are clearly old enough to be left. Your DP needs to grow a pair and maybe get a new solicitor!

This is something I’ve wondered. Wouldn’t ex be asked to maximise her earnings too?

I understand my financials may be asked by the court if I stick around - however surely then the ex will be asked to maximise her earnings? Especially with DP footing the cost of everything and him also offering to help look after the kids so that she can return to work and to help overcome any difficulties with working hours/shifts.

I’m just curious really rather than trying to find an angle to attack her with.

OP posts:

phoenixchb · 02/06/2023 10:34

BounceyB · 31/05/2023 19:02

He can divorce her. Your relationship has nothing to do with their break-up. Her maintenance is dependent on his income alone. They both sound like sharks and I'd get rid of both of them tbh.

Absolutely this!

Heidi1976 · 02/06/2023 10:38

OP - I have been in this position. My now husband divorced his wife - it is entirely separate to a financial agreement order. So them telling you to provide information or he can't get divorced is inaccurate.

It sounds like they are trying to do the financial order at the same time. For the Form E, if the respondent is cohabiting, they do need to provide financial details of their new cohabitee 'to the best of their knowledge'. If they don't, the court can view it has been left out for adverse reasons and indeed hold up proceedings etc and it can cost money and you may be ordered to provide this. This is only for a financial order though, not a divorce.

Generally though, unless you are housing them or are exceptionally wealthy it's not often a major consideration. They are expected to come to a mutual agreement on their finances and a judge just checks it looks fair and signs it off.

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 10:39

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 10:34

This is something I’ve wondered. Wouldn’t ex be asked to maximise her earnings too?

I understand my financials may be asked by the court if I stick around - however surely then the ex will be asked to maximise her earnings? Especially with DP footing the cost of everything and him also offering to help look after the kids so that she can return to work and to help overcome any difficulties with working hours/shifts.

I’m just curious really rather than trying to find an angle to attack her with.

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I believe that she would be expected to take reasonable actions to support herself, yes. Given the kids are teenagers, full time work isn’t unreasonable.

Lindyloo23 · 02/06/2023 10:44

That is total rubbish. I think as you say he doesn’t like confrontation, his ex knows that. She’s angry that he’s in another relationship and has thrown this bomb into your relationship.
You aren’t married to him so your finances are yours only. You aren’t committed legally to your DP so your finances are yours alone. You aren’t married to her either so none of her business. I would go to citizens advice and check your complete legal position and tell your DP.
He is wrong to put you under pressure and blame you. I would be very cautious. It’s his issue that he hasn’t got divorced until now.
Just don’t buckle and stand firm until you have a full legal answer. DO NOT divulge anything. And please beware that you aren’t take advantage of by him too.

WB205020 · 02/06/2023 10:48

@Needhelp1000
You need to shot of him OP.....he is bringing far too many problems into your life that you don't need. I would get his solicitors email address which I assume you have from him showing you communication and mail them directly saying you are no longer with him and have moved out over this very issue and you want nothing more to do with him and this situation as I doubt he will tell anyone for fear of pissing off his ex!

Lolalady · 02/06/2023 10:48

Yes. Ex will have to make full financial disclosure equally as your DP. She should not be permitted to sit back and let your DP support her. The children are a different matter of course.

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:55

You said in your opening post that you only moved in with him a few months ago and that as soon as the ex heard you moved in she started divorce proceedings.

I would say the ex is very clued up as to timings to maximise her settlement (at your expense!!)

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 10:57

Twobyfour · 02/06/2023 10:55

You said in your opening post that you only moved in with him a few months ago and that as soon as the ex heard you moved in she started divorce proceedings.

I would say the ex is very clued up as to timings to maximise her settlement (at your expense!!)

Yes, I moved in around 4(ish) months ago. They’ve been separated 4(ish?) years and I’ve been with DP for 2.

Yes I should have listened to my gut feeling, it was almost as if she was waiting for the right time to strike. Still, DP should have been pushing for divorce and I do feel like a bit of an idiot for letting it go on!

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 02/06/2023 11:08

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 09:24

Which is why so many are telling the OP to run for the hills and let the milquetoast DudP and the greedy, cheating, lazy, nasty EX duke it out themselves. If they even do once OP steps away and EX cannot get her hands on more $$$. My bet is she will drop it once she finds out she'll not be able to know the OP's financials.

It's not her circus and not her clown car, so she should step away and live a great life without the ox yoke around her neck.

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She posted in legal and got the facts.

Law is facts, not emotions. Does not mean people or posters agree with it.

Simple. This is not relationships or AIBU. It is legal.

Daftapath · 02/06/2023 11:12

If you do go ahead and move out (which I hope that you do because your partner is very manipulative), make sure that you are no longer registered there in any way. Check council tax, electoral roll, bank, bills, insurance, drivers licence, etc for change of address. Also close any joint accounts that you have ... and cancel the childcare input that you have through work!

Do you have long until you expect to complete on your property purchase?

You sound very level headed and fair and I wish you good luck in your exams and for the future.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 02/06/2023 11:23

What I don't understand is why any self-respecting woman would want to take the money from another woman, who just happens to have married her ex-husband. Fair enough the husband/father paying his maintenance, but why and how does any one think taking another woman's hard-earned salary is acceptable? It blows my mind.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 11:26

adriftabroad · 02/06/2023 11:08

She posted in legal and got the facts.

Law is facts, not emotions. Does not mean people or posters agree with it.

Simple. This is not relationships or AIBU. It is legal.

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She got the legal facts and got the common sense advice that the situation is not worthy of her and that she can do better. It may have been on legal, but it was also "trending" which is where many of us came in.
Legal is fine but common sense advice is good too and running for the hills IS excellent common sense advice.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 02/06/2023 11:29

adriftabroad · 02/06/2023 11:08

She posted in legal and got the facts.

Law is facts, not emotions. Does not mean people or posters agree with it.

Simple. This is not relationships or AIBU. It is legal.

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It's also legal for child murderers and rapists to be released from prison at the end of their sentence, it doesn't make it any more palatable. As PP said, this thread is trending so you'll get emotional posts too.

3littlebearcubs · 02/06/2023 11:30

Elle2018 · 01/06/2023 23:06

OP maybe you should move out of his house anyway for the time being, whether you decide to stay with him or not. Let him get the divorce settled without your financials bearing any relevance and then decide how you want the relationship to proceed, if at all.

I agree with this. Move out and let him sort out his divorce with his wife without you being involved at all.

Decide at a later date, once he is divorced and has settled his affairs with his wife, if you want to live with him. That's if you decide to continue the relationship at all that is, which I would have serious doubts about doing if I was in your shoes, based on what you've written here.

ClawedButler · 02/06/2023 11:34

He's clearly shown that he'd rather upset you than his wife.
He's clearly shown that he's in no hurry to get divorced. He's had years.
He's clearly shown that he believes he can and is entitled to strong-arm you into things you don't feel comfortable with.
He responds to your confusion/upset/questioning with threats and blame (it'll be your fault if I can't get divorced and it will cost you lots of money).
He isn't focused on finding a solution, but on placating his wife.

Has anyone asked you what you want? At ANY time in the last 2 years?

I think it boils down to this: he doesn't care enough about you to put you first.

And whatever else is going on, you deserve better than someone who is, at best, a bit lukewarm about you. If it was a case of true-love-conquers-all-we-will-face-the-storm-together-my-darling it would be different. But it's not. The game's not worth the candle.

T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 11:34

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 08:02

just wanted to jump back on and clear this up - that was us. I pay for a holiday style club (through my work) that allows him to go during school holidays. Even when he’s at his mum’s he still goes. As for school terms he tends to come back to ours after school until his dad drops him at his mums after he’s finished work, this does happen even she’s not working. I understand my message may have been a bit blurred but I hope that makes sense.

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Well she’s cut her nose off to spite her face then hasn’t she!! All the childcare in the school holidays will have to be funded by them now!… as for after school, sounds like he’s thinking ‘shit, who will have DS after school if @Needhelp1000 leaves !!

I think even with your income taken into consideration, he’s still paying too much towards his kids! I think any solicitor would tell her to drop it as she might end up
worse off, being that he pays and you pay so much even though you have the kids more than she does by the sounds of it!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/06/2023 11:37

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 09:40

To be honest I’ve heard her on the phone to DP refusing to collect the child as ‘why should I?’ (Her words again!) so it does fall down to us. It’s a bit blurred to be honest because the children are wanting to live with DP but he wants them to have a relationship and time with their mum.

I’m realising how messy it all is now.

honestly I do see DP having the children full time eventually - she has even made noises about giving him full custody. As for that, it’s for them to sort. I’m really wishing to get out of it now and leave them to it. I’ve tried to detach but it’s bloody hard.

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So his children want to live with him, their mum is borderline neglectful, but your DP insists they live with her?

Id be walking away on the basis he’s a shit parent, over and above everything else.

No decent parent sends their child ‘home’ to that every day when they don’t need to, and crucially when their children don’t want to.

most decent dads in that situation would be tearing their hair out trying to get full residency

adriftabroad · 02/06/2023 11:42

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 11:26

She got the legal facts and got the common sense advice that the situation is not worthy of her and that she can do better. It may have been on legal, but it was also "trending" which is where many of us came in.
Legal is fine but common sense advice is good too and running for the hills IS excellent common sense advice.

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As I said, it is the legal advice. It does not mean "do not run for the hills" or anything else.
She very clearly should. This is 100% clear when you look at the legal advice.

But putting the facts, given by lawyers, in black and white show this.
She is living with a married man with 3 DCs and needs to declare income if asked by the court and living with him. These are facts. However, nobody is "after her money". She is not married, her boyfriend is married.

That is it.

No point in seeing a lawyer. She is off, thank god. Good luck in the exams OP

JoanThursday1972 · 02/06/2023 11:43

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:12

Might be outing but she was having multiple affairs. She left DP to be with the other man but apparently they split up not long after. This was all before I came into the scene

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Why is it outing? Nobody knows you on here.

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 11:47

ClawedButler · 02/06/2023 11:34

He's clearly shown that he'd rather upset you than his wife.
He's clearly shown that he's in no hurry to get divorced. He's had years.
He's clearly shown that he believes he can and is entitled to strong-arm you into things you don't feel comfortable with.
He responds to your confusion/upset/questioning with threats and blame (it'll be your fault if I can't get divorced and it will cost you lots of money).
He isn't focused on finding a solution, but on placating his wife.

Has anyone asked you what you want? At ANY time in the last 2 years?

I think it boils down to this: he doesn't care enough about you to put you first.

And whatever else is going on, you deserve better than someone who is, at best, a bit lukewarm about you. If it was a case of true-love-conquers-all-we-will-face-the-storm-together-my-darling it would be different. But it's not. The game's not worth the candle.

Thinking about it this is so true.

many a time I’ve been pushed to the side because of her demands. I knew this was a legal thread initially but it seems to have become much more than that now.

A good example that now sticks in my mind is when she called at 6am one morning because she couldn’t get her kid out of bed (he was refusing to get out - typical teen) and he rushed off, when we were on a mini break, to go and help her. Looking back now I feel absolutely stupid! He has been enabling her behaviour.

This is such a mess.

I am leaving DP and he will be told once I return home.

I can’t thank you all enough.

OP posts: