Page 38 | DP’s ex after my salary

Needhelp1000 · 2023-05-31T17:57:39+00:00

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do. DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings. Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out. They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years. The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair. DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings. has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

JudgeJ · 02/06/2023 13:08

Flopsythebunny · 02/06/2023 10:19

They are not divorced, the consent order hasn't been done. It's all marital properly until a judge signs it off.

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The grabby ex will probably want 50 % of is new house too, she seems a very nasty piece of work.

T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 13:12

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 10:34

This is something I’ve wondered. Wouldn’t ex be asked to maximise her earnings too?

I understand my financials may be asked by the court if I stick around - however surely then the ex will be asked to maximise her earnings? Especially with DP footing the cost of everything and him also offering to help look after the kids so that she can return to work and to help overcome any difficulties with working hours/shifts.

I’m just curious really rather than trying to find an angle to attack her with.

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No she won’t be expected to maximise her earnings because…

she has probably claimed Disability living allowance for him.
She then would’ve claimed carers allowance (which states she can only work 12 hours a week!!)
Then she’d be entitled to university credit
Council tax paid for her (bar about £12 a month)
Help towards rent/mortgage
child maintenance from your rather naive partner.
family allowance

He needs a solicitor and full disclosure of her income (including benefits!… he is rather dumb to give her any money from the house before having a financial order in place and a court order stating the children are 50/50.. she’s also responsible for childcare costs on ‘her days’.. if she doesn’t want to pay half then that’s fine.. but her days of having the kids, she has them at home and they’re not in summer day care… he’s a mug quite frankly! If the kids are 50/50 then why is he paying her 80% of the equity! Later down the line she’ll end up barely having the kids and still be sat pretty in a house funded by him.

Whether you stay or not I’d pass this advice on.

i have a friend who left her kids and as a result the dad got most of the house… then only a couple of years later threw them out and she ended up with the kids and virtually non of the assets .. I can see this happening to you DP - he needs legal advice asap

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 13:12

Wheresthebeach · 02/06/2023 12:58

Similar story here. We had kids 50% of time, ex refused to work, claimed disability stopped her working at all (she did have hip issue) but it didn't stop her clubbing, going to Step and Spin classes (she ditched her gym membership for the financial disclosure). She's never worked a day since getting pregnant, and DH funded her. Her lawyers argued that 'lifestyle' at both homes had to be similar so my earning relevant. Its all done and dusted now, but I wish I'd handled it differently. They had be separated for several years when we met, but she'd been refusing to divorce as 'she never wanted to get married again, so why bother?'.

Actually the term ‘similar lifestyle’ has come up in one of ex’s texts to DP. She wants a similar lifestyle as to when they were ‘together’ - in other words she wants funding from us in order for her to not have to work full time to provide for herself and her situation. I believe this is why he gave her 80 percent equity, so that she could buy somewhere on a similar level.

She has regularly gone on about it being very unfair that we have two full time incomes in our household.

I’m digressing, but I do wonder if this will be her base argument. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when she finds out we’re not together any further.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 13:15

T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 13:12

No she won’t be expected to maximise her earnings because…

she has probably claimed Disability living allowance for him.
She then would’ve claimed carers allowance (which states she can only work 12 hours a week!!)
Then she’d be entitled to university credit
Council tax paid for her (bar about £12 a month)
Help towards rent/mortgage
child maintenance from your rather naive partner.
family allowance

He needs a solicitor and full disclosure of her income (including benefits!… he is rather dumb to give her any money from the house before having a financial order in place and a court order stating the children are 50/50.. she’s also responsible for childcare costs on ‘her days’.. if she doesn’t want to pay half then that’s fine.. but her days of having the kids, she has them at home and they’re not in summer day care… he’s a mug quite frankly! If the kids are 50/50 then why is he paying her 80% of the equity! Later down the line she’ll end up barely having the kids and still be sat pretty in a house funded by him.

Whether you stay or not I’d pass this advice on.

i have a friend who left her kids and as a result the dad got most of the house… then only a couple of years later threw them out and she ended up with the kids and virtually non of the assets .. I can see this happening to you DP - he needs legal advice asap

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I don’t know the ins and outs of what benefits she has received but yes, that situation will happen to him.

OP posts:

Wheresthebeach · 02/06/2023 13:15

@Needhelp1000 Yeah it's clearly a thing. The argument being one parent can use lifestyle to 'lure' the kids away from the other. Nightmare. It still makes me angry that she got away with it, and got maintenance so she could never work.

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 13:15

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/06/2023 12:56

I have to say, OP, I'm really impressed with how you've handled this the last few days - not just the stress of situation with DP and his ex, but the business with the solicitor, moving out, making a decision about your relationship and all while coping with the stress of professional exams. I have a feeling you are going to ace them, and any employer who takes on someone as capable as you of seeing a situation, assessing it, taking advice then making a final decision is going to be a very fortunate employer.

Don't take this as patronising because it isn't meant that way, but you've really grown and changed over the last few days. Plus you have the self-awareness to see how you need to change and get help for that.

All the best 💟

Thank you, very kind words

OP posts:

Dweetfidilove · 02/06/2023 13:16

SooninBrisbane · 31/05/2023 19:17

Maybe they're working as a team to fleece you, OP?

This is exactly what came to mind 🤦🏾‍♀️

amberneme · 02/06/2023 13:22

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T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 13:26

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T1Dmama · 02/06/2023 13:27

@Needhelp1000 honestly concentrate on yourself for a while, good luck with your exams.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 02/06/2023 13:35

Pithy and to the point shark loving it this 100% 👏

IHateLegDay · 02/06/2023 13:38

OP you've handled this all with such grace and dignity!
I'm so pleased that you're leaving their mess.

I kept thinking, imagine if you had a child with this mine, she would have made your life absolute hell and he wouldn't have done one thing to stop her.

You're doing the right thing getting well away from them both!

haXXor · 02/06/2023 13:43

adriftabroad · 02/06/2023 11:08

She posted in legal and got the facts.

Law is facts, not emotions. Does not mean people or posters agree with it.

Simple. This is not relationships or AIBU. It is legal.

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I'd like to introduce you to a concept from technical support called XY Problem [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XY_problem en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XY_problem.

In this instance, the Y problem is "is it legal for STBXW to ask for my financial information?" The X problem is "can I stop myself from having to subsidise my partner's cost of living, which is a possible outcome of us living together at the time of his divorce from STBXW?"

Commenters with good pattern recognition skills have deduced the X problem and advised the OP to circumvent the Y problem by offerinf a different and more suitable solution to the X problem underlying it.

XY problem - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XY_problem

BetterFuture1985 · 02/06/2023 13:54

Wheresthebeach · 02/06/2023 13:15

@Needhelp1000 Yeah it's clearly a thing. The argument being one parent can use lifestyle to 'lure' the kids away from the other. Nightmare. It still makes me angry that she got away with it, and got maintenance so she could never work.

It angers me too. I think it is disgusting the way that one parent can barely work out of choice on the one hand and then go to court demanding a "similar lifestyle" to the working parent and get what they want.

I'm afraid I don't think getting up at 6am, commuting to the city, working 10 hours straight and then going home to do the cooking, laundry and the cleaning is the same lifestyle as screeching at the teenagers to get themselves to school, lazing around watching TV and getting the hour or two of household chores done, even if the incomes are roughly equalised! I really wish the courts would at least take this into account to the extent that the working parent should be able to deduct the cost of cleaning, laundry and more convenient food from their budget before any maintenance comes into play.

serendipitea · 02/06/2023 14:17

While my sympathy lies entirely with the OP here (and this situation reminds me very much of one where I was in her place) there seems to be a lot of bashing of the Ex (or soon to be Ex) here.

But let us remember that we often have a mirror situation, where a woman has put her life and professional career on hold to manage the children and home, only to be replaced upon the man's success by a "younger model". There are clearly situations where it makes perfect sense for the wife to be aggrieved that her sacrifice for the family is not considered and while the man earns more and has paid more into the assets an equitable division of assets is not straightforward.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/06/2023 14:21

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 11:49

I am also planning on returning to counselling because I need to work out how to stop being a people pleaser.

Cheers everyone :)

I was a people pleaser my whole life. Then, one day, I was shat on from a great height by someone I adored and something just switched in me. I used to be a bit of a mug, going out of my way for people. Now, people are wary of me, I'm never asked for favours anymore... guess which life is less tiring 😊. Ive recently gone out of my way for my MIL (special occasion) and she acted like a spoilt brat. She just couldn't help herself. Since then I've had flowers delivered and a lot of fuss because she knows she went too far and I'm done. I will never do a thing for her again, won't pick up the phone., won't call in. Nothing.
People do not appreciate you if you are kind. They continue to take and expect more and more. Even loved ones. Do access some counselling and work on this. It is very freeing!

NyanBinaryJohn · 02/06/2023 14:21

serendipitea · 02/06/2023 14:17

While my sympathy lies entirely with the OP here (and this situation reminds me very much of one where I was in her place) there seems to be a lot of bashing of the Ex (or soon to be Ex) here.

But let us remember that we often have a mirror situation, where a woman has put her life and professional career on hold to manage the children and home, only to be replaced upon the man's success by a "younger model". There are clearly situations where it makes perfect sense for the wife to be aggrieved that her sacrifice for the family is not considered and while the man earns more and has paid more into the assets an equitable division of assets is not straightforward.

Did you miss the OP post confirming that the guy and his ex split up around 4 years ago due to the ex's affairs, and guy and OP got together 2 years ago?

How is that trading in for a younger model?

SalfordLass76 · 02/06/2023 14:23

SooninBrisbane · 31/05/2023 19:17

Maybe they're working as a team to fleece you, OP?

This seems quite likely. I'd be out the door...or he would, at least until the divorce is settled but probably permanently.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 02/06/2023 14:37

I’ve read the whole thread and just wanted to add another “Brava”.

All the best with your exams Op. you sound like a lovely person and I wish for many good things for you.

BetterFuture1985 · 02/06/2023 14:41

serendipitea · 02/06/2023 14:17

While my sympathy lies entirely with the OP here (and this situation reminds me very much of one where I was in her place) there seems to be a lot of bashing of the Ex (or soon to be Ex) here.

But let us remember that we often have a mirror situation, where a woman has put her life and professional career on hold to manage the children and home, only to be replaced upon the man's success by a "younger model". There are clearly situations where it makes perfect sense for the wife to be aggrieved that her sacrifice for the family is not considered and while the man earns more and has paid more into the assets an equitable division of assets is not straightforward.

This type of ex is pretty rare in reality, it's not the 1950s anymore. The modern norm is that professionals get childcare and go back to work. SAHPs are more often people who are sacrificing nothing and have the privilege of being around to watch their children grow up whilst the burden of all the less appealing work away from family life are done by the other spouse. Then when divorce comes and there is a threat to this meal ticket, they tend to try and dig in rather than go and do their fair share of the paid work.

BetterFuture1985 · 02/06/2023 14:43

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/06/2023 14:21

I was a people pleaser my whole life. Then, one day, I was shat on from a great height by someone I adored and something just switched in me. I used to be a bit of a mug, going out of my way for people. Now, people are wary of me, I'm never asked for favours anymore... guess which life is less tiring 😊. Ive recently gone out of my way for my MIL (special occasion) and she acted like a spoilt brat. She just couldn't help herself. Since then I've had flowers delivered and a lot of fuss because she knows she went too far and I'm done. I will never do a thing for her again, won't pick up the phone., won't call in. Nothing.
People do not appreciate you if you are kind. They continue to take and expect more and more. Even loved ones. Do access some counselling and work on this. It is very freeing!

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Well said. Happened to me too.

TequilaNights · 02/06/2023 14:55

I don't have anything additional to add to the great advice you have already had, but I just wanted to echo what a lot of others have already said.

You have handled this so well, and sounds like a really lovely person, who deserves so much more than all this.

Best of luck with your exams, you'll do great!

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 14:58

serendipitea · 02/06/2023 14:17

While my sympathy lies entirely with the OP here (and this situation reminds me very much of one where I was in her place) there seems to be a lot of bashing of the Ex (or soon to be Ex) here.

But let us remember that we often have a mirror situation, where a woman has put her life and professional career on hold to manage the children and home, only to be replaced upon the man's success by a "younger model". There are clearly situations where it makes perfect sense for the wife to be aggrieved that her sacrifice for the family is not considered and while the man earns more and has paid more into the assets an equitable division of assets is not straightforward.

Whilst I am younger (by only a few years) they were long split up before I even entered the scene. The ex was the one who had an affair then went off to live with the other man.

OP posts:

Cosicosi · 02/06/2023 15:00

Run!!!🏃

BetterFuture1985 · 02/06/2023 15:13

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 14:58

Whilst I am younger (by only a few years) they were long split up before I even entered the scene. The ex was the one who had an affair then went off to live with the other man.

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And no doubt the affair fizzled out so the lazy parasite decided to come back to your DP instead of getting a job for a living.