Page 34 | DP’s ex after my salary

Needhelp1000 · 2023-05-31T17:57:39+00:00

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do. DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings. Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out. They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years. The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair. DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings. has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 06:59

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 01/06/2023 15:36

What's in it for him:
Someone to do the heavy lifting on the bills (OP has already mentioned she seems to be picking up more of the slack as he doesn't have much disposable income).
Someone to help with his childcare costs (OP is already doing this through one of her work benefits).
Someone to help with childcare for his children.
A better standard of living than he currently enjoys (as he already doesn't have much disposable income, so without OP his circumstances would likely be more straightened).

What's in it for OP:
Being dragged into his divorce.
Subsidising the cost of his childcare and ex-wife.
Abuse and grief from his ex-wife.
Emotional blackmail from her partner because he seems to prefer to upset OP instead of his ex-wife.
Being used to help care for his children.

I am sure there are some positives to the relationship, but based on what's been said on this thread, it doesn't look like OP gets a whole lot of benefit from being with him right now.

Well said.

I cannot think of even ONE positive thing for the OP in this relationship and more negatives than a photographer's dark room.

He's trying to emotionally manipulate the OP into sharing financial information she is uncomfortable sharing. My guess is he is good at emotional manipulation of the OP, just as he seems to be a lapdog for the EX.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 07:05

PatchworkDonkey · 01/06/2023 15:51

Who gives a flying fuck? This is not OP's problem. She's not involved in this divorce, she's done the sensible thing of removing herself from the entire situation. Her ex's financial situation is something he created all by himself and it's a mess he can sort out all by himself.

OP he's having a laugh "Willing to discuss"! The cheeky fucker. Like he's doing you a favour! He sees his cash cow moving on and is indulging in some damage limitation to try to reel you back.

All the posters saying go back when the divorce is sorted out. Why? He's tried to bully OP into doing something she didn't want to do, he's threatened her, lied to her, gaslight her, told her his money is more important than her money, been willing to give her hassle she doesn't deserve whilst not standing upto his wife, got her paying for his DC and looking after them, makes sure she knows about every nasty text his wife sends to him about her instead of quietly dealing with it, the DC even are open about how little anyone respects OP. And she's supposed to go back to this?! Hell no.

With every one of his actions he tells OP she's worth nothing to him except as a source of money (and sex, cook, cleaner and childcare too, I expect). He's somehow managed more than most of these wankers do - he's managed to find himself a nanny who is not only free but who pays for the "privilege" of looking after his DC! Buying them stuff etc. This is not OP's destined role in life. She deserves a DP without an abusive bone in his body, who respects and values her for herself and isn't just after her money. Someone who loves her. The way this man is behaving is not the way you treat someone you love. It's not the way you treat anyone at all, unless you're a bellend.

"Do you love him?" Is irrelevant. Junkies love heroin, doesn't mean they should stick with it. Do what's right for you OP. Live your life in a healthy way, doing what's good for you. Look at all the angst and stress this man has caused. Is he good for you? Quite apart from his recent behaviour, he could have protected you from all of this by not living with you until after he was divorced. Does this sound like someone who has your best interests at heart?

Show quote history

LOUDER, so those in the back can hear!
^^

DecayedStrumpet · 02/06/2023 07:09

All the best for your exams OP! Hope you're able to put all this out of your mind and stay focussed.

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 07:10

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 06:55

Hi all! Apologies for not responding to everyone.

I haven’t had time to move things out due to logistics and the fact I’ve got some pretty important exams in the next few days so my concentration has gone into them. Once they’re done then I do want to deal with this. I feel it’s pretty clear cut the general response on here and it’s made me realise I don’t wish to involve myself further in this mess. It’s exhausting and truth be told I’m exhausted too.

I do have a consult with a solicitor booked so will discuss with them.

I’m im gonna take a step back from the thread for a bit - I’ve put so much energy into this situation with him that I can’t let it affect me until after. I’m upset that I’ve let myself get so involved with him but right now it’s overwhelming me and threatening my head space and focus.

I want to thank everyone for their responses. It’s been good to read people’s experiences and advice & it’s really helped me be able to clarify what’s going on. I really do appreciate everyone’s input.

Best of luck with your exams and well done on taking the space you need

mildlydispeptic · 02/06/2023 07:35

Very good luck with your exams, OP.

Younglady18 · 02/06/2023 07:35

In a kinda reverse situation I was divorced with 4 small children. We were wrangling over child maintenance. Ex moved abroad. Met & married my second husband. Ex said ‘No’ to child maintenance’Your household income has hugely increased’ (due to DH salary).
Never received another penny.

Nanaof1 · 02/06/2023 07:38

PatchworkDonkey · 01/06/2023 17:20

You know what alcohol does OP? Removes the filter of "things not to say". So she said it when drunk, but I'll bet she thinks it when sober too.

She wants to move into her STBXH's house, rent free (or claiming housing benefit since she doesn't work), with him (or, effectively, the housing benefit) paying the mortgage.

She wants him and you to move into your house with you paying the mortgage.

She sells her house and doesn't have any mortgage and spends all the money from the sale of it, or hides it somewhere not in her name, so she can continue to claim housing benefit.

They both have a lot to lose by you walking away, don't they?

Show quote history

And if DP were to move into her home and if he pays anything towards the mortgage, or they marry, he can then lay claim to part of the house, leaving OP high and dry.
I agree, if she was drunk, it just removed the filter and she said what she really wants. To live free and clear with her EX and OP paying her and the DC's bills for eternity.

Iamnotalemming · 02/06/2023 07:48

Good luck with your exams OP x

Feraldogmum · 02/06/2023 07:54

It’s quite possible that he is being difficult and pleading poverty to get out of proper child maintenance, but that’s their battle to fight.
I wouldn’t think that there is any right to demand details of your finances but if the divorce is on hold for a “ he said,she said” on the finances,then I can see how that might delay a settlement but not the actual divorce.
Do you really want the headache that comes along with this man, he sounds pretty weak .

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/06/2023 07:56

I'm glad you moved out op. I think get your property out. It isn't your fault, but he is still a married man, and any decent person would at least have a divorce planned before he moved in with someone else. You have just been caught up in their mess.
Concentrate on your exams and leave all of this behind you. One day it'll be your cf ex story that you laugh about.

Flopsythebunny · 02/06/2023 07:57

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 06:38

Thanks!

Just to correct, sorry, he works full time, it’s his ex who is doing 12 hours.

Show quote history

Didn't you mention something about the youngest child having special needs so mum had to be available to have them when they couldn't be in school? Working full time when you have to leave work at the drop of a hat to pick a child up is very difficult,

LAMPS1 · 02/06/2023 08:00

Well done for staying on track with work for your exams OP.
It seems the threat of a court order gave you clarity on your situation.
All the best of luck with your exams and your new life in your new house.
Sounds like you have a great future in front of you now.

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 08:02

Flopsythebunny · 02/06/2023 07:57

Didn't you mention something about the youngest child having special needs so mum had to be available to have them when they couldn't be in school? Working full time when you have to leave work at the drop of a hat to pick a child up is very difficult,

Show quote history

just wanted to jump back on and clear this up - that was us. I pay for a holiday style club (through my work) that allows him to go during school holidays. Even when he’s at his mum’s he still goes. As for school terms he tends to come back to ours after school until his dad drops him at his mums after he’s finished work, this does happen even she’s not working. I understand my message may have been a bit blurred but I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 08:04

*even if she’s not working.

apologies for the typos! It’s too early 😅

OP posts:

TeapotCollection · 02/06/2023 08:05

Best of luck with your exams OP

PLEASE don’t stay with him, you deserve SO much better

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/06/2023 08:13

adriftabroad · 01/06/2023 23:03

SHE IS LIVING WITH HIM AND WILL NOT GIVE THE ANSWERS WHICH IS IMPEDING THE DIVORCE.

@adriftabroad

well she is gonna move out now due to what a wet wipe he is being

senua · 02/06/2023 08:18

I'm glad that you've seen the light, OP, before it was too late.
Forget all this for a while and concentrate on your exams. Best of luck!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 02/06/2023 08:19

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 08:02

just wanted to jump back on and clear this up - that was us. I pay for a holiday style club (through my work) that allows him to go during school holidays. Even when he’s at his mum’s he still goes. As for school terms he tends to come back to ours after school until his dad drops him at his mums after he’s finished work, this does happen even she’s not working. I understand my message may have been a bit blurred but I hope that makes sense.

Show quote history

That's very generous of you, considering that this is not your child.

Can you see now how you have been taken for a ride?

Bubblyb00b · 02/06/2023 08:19

Good luck with your exams OP, and best of luck for the future, you sound lovely, kind and level headed, I'm sure you will meet someone who loves, appreciates and respects you!

senua · 02/06/2023 08:27

As for school terms he tends to come back to ours after school until his dad drops him at his mums after he’s finished work
Wait, what!
You look after her child every day?
Your DP goes round to his ex's house every day?

Stand firm and bin this situation off.

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 08:27

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 02/06/2023 08:19

That's very generous of you, considering that this is not your child.

Can you see now how you have been taken for a ride?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t call this taking OP for a ride per se, if she can access this at a good price through her work (because she works for an activity company or whatever) and if this is a bill she was happy to pay in the round as it helped everyone (and hopefully was recognised by her paying less for electricity or similar).

However, it’s slightly by the by now!

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/06/2023 08:33

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 22:04

I have a solicitor consultation booked - peace of mind for me and once that’s done and my exams are done I’m going to come to a decision on where my future is going, with or without this man.

I’ve not heard from him and can see he’s finally respecting my need for space, but I do want to get legal advice independently.

Just to say - it's so refreshing to see someone ask for advice and actually take it!

You have made some space, are consulting a lawyer, and most importantly, deciding for yourself what is best for you going forward.

You may or may not remain in this relationship, and obviously that is your decision and no-one else's, but either way you will be doing it with all your ducks neatly in a row and your eyes wide open.

I could cry sometimes when women ask for advice about their relationships, and there are red flags all over the place, and people tell them to just take things slowly, don't move him in just yet, if he really cares about you, he'll give you time etc and they just plough on regardless and are back in a year, stuck in a horrible relationship. None of us can tell someone who they can or can't live with, but when 00s of women who have experienced similar warn you to take a step back, it's usually wise to listen. They may be right, they may be wrong, but it doesn't hurt to be cautious.

Feraldogmum · 02/06/2023 08:36

Listening to the pressure he is piling on if Op does provide financial details the next statement will be “ they’ve told me because of your income I have to pay x amount ,so as you’re costing me it’s only fair you pay part of the maintenance.”
He sounds like a real piece of work and OP only has his word for much of this. Why is it that he took so long to start divorce proceedings? Why is he so keen to appease his ex,is it guilt, was it actually him not ex having multiple affairs ? Had she been a serial slapper you’d think he’d have divorced her very quickly and simply on these grounds.
Either way I’d run for the hills and not look back, something tells me there’s unfinished business between him and his wife.

ThisWomansWorkNeverEnds · 02/06/2023 08:36

As they say often on Mumsnet- run for the hills!! Out of curiosity I was wondering how or where you met him. He will be panicking now that he is losing his live in nanny and cash cow. Don't know why you even really need to see a solicitor although if it helps you make a decision that's good.
Good luck with your new place!

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 02/06/2023 08:37

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 08:27

I wouldn’t call this taking OP for a ride per se, if she can access this at a good price through her work (because she works for an activity company or whatever) and if this is a bill she was happy to pay in the round as it helped everyone (and hopefully was recognised by her paying less for electricity or similar).

However, it’s slightly by the by now!

Show quote history

Being honest, and I know this may start off another debate, mum refused to pay out for it which is when I did offer to, to DP.

Thanks everyone, I do see the situation for what it is now. I do feel as if I’ve been way generous with my time and money - I didn’t want to see the kids without to be honest, I wanted to provide some emotional and financial stability.

thanks for the good luck for the exams. Hopefully I can have a clear head for them!

OP posts: