DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

@Needhelp1000 you probably need to step back from this thread and look at things more objectively. The reaction of some.posters encouraging you to break up and screaming "abuse" is completely over the top.

Ultimately from the information you gave, your partner (and his ex!) was correct when asking for those information to be shared. I don't think at any point you said he agreed with it, he just doesn't have a choice from a legal perspective.
And he wasn't "threatening you" with court action, he was merely relaying the information from his ex's solicitor that it could be the next step, and this was confirmed by both his solicitor and now more solicitors on this thread.

Remember that it is HIS divorce we are talking about, the stress of the situation is on him, the pressure of the solicitors to provide all information for the paperwork is on him,... in the heat of the discussion, getting annoyed about his legal bill increasing in case a court action is needed to get that information from you doesn't seem like a massive overreaction, does it?

Now that you have had the confirmation that his request was indeed reasonable, you could probably try to put yourself in his shoes for a minute before making any rushed decision.

Read through this whole thread there is seemingly a binary decision for you - comply with the apparent demands of your partners solicitor and the obnoxious way in which it’s been communicated to you by him or make it not your problem anymore by moving on with your life.

I always find it amazing how little responsibility people are willing to take for their own problems. If someone threatened me with a court order (he’s also doing that not just his wife) I’d be off!

It's his house!

It's his house! 😂

If you break away from him, you should not need to provide any information to any solicitor, except to let them know that the pressure and hounding made you decide the relationship wasn't what you wanted.
Buy your own home and enjoy it. Fix it up to reflect your wonderful personality, and I am betting that bigger and better things are down the road for you.

I know I am advocating for you walking away from the relationship, but your DP and his EX have made a mess of things, and he/she should have been long divorced if that is what he had wanted. The EX probably liked the status quo as it made her able to demand whatever she wanted, and he meekly gave it to her. Plus, the longer her "affairs" are behind her, the more they can be ignored and excused. She is making divorce noises now because she thinks it will help her bottom line, as living with you "frees" up more money for the cheating, lazy, nasty POS EX to grab from DP. That relationship between the EX and DP will always rein supreme and I hope that isn't the road you want to travel.

She was, luckily, already seeing red flags in the relationship.
The DP and the EX are two toxic and unstable people. If he had wanted a divorce from the EX, he had four years, especially she he claims she cheated on him multiple times. But, he stayed and gave the EX everything she wanted and more. Now the EX feels the OP should also be "giving' and even if it isn't a part of the divorce, the EX will "use" it to get more of what she wants and pay even less for the children that are HERS, not the OPs.

She is wise to run away from this mess and be glad she wasn't trapped into a worse situation.

Which is why is it wise for her to move out, get her own house and start a life without the messy entanglements of a milquetoast man and a lazy, nasty, POS EX. That toxicity will never resolve, no matter what the divorce decree gives the EX. She will always be greedy and think everyone BUT her should pay for HER children's needs and wants. Which is why EX is greedy and money grubbing from the OP when she got into the relationship with milquetoast dud.

Don't ask for legal(or medical) advice on a forum.

THIS⬆ALL of THIS! ⬆

If OP ever wishes to have children, her children would be at the "bottom of the list" as to who get what they need and want. TOO many threads have proven this as fact.
I think the DP did basically convince the OP that she needed to "help" support his DC, which really was helping to support EX. Something fishy is going on if the EX is working only 12 hours/week and living in a house, paying utilities, feeding and clothing DC half of the time. Something stinks and I think it's the toxic, co-dependent relationship between EX and milquetoast DP.
I really hope that, in the end, the OP frees herself from this quicksand and moves on with her life, her own home and her own happiness.

It galls me to no end that a lying, cheating, lazy, nasty STBXW can be given so much. It seems to highlight a large fault in the system.

You know that in this case, STBXW will have "reasons" she cannot work full-time and will act the poor misunderstood victim. DP, if he had any gonads at all, would go for full custody, since SYBXW seems incapable of working and supporting even herself, even though she has gotten so much handed to her.

I wonder if the courts will look at the fact that the STBXH already gave the STBXW was given 80% equity in their house and that he has been buying the DC everything they need/want and not the STBXW? Or is all that meaningless because it happened outside of the court?

The ex will always be a drain on the OP. No matter which way you look at it she will be subsidising her partner and his ex. Surely no woman would be happy to do this? I see that the few posters encouraging you to stay with him haven't mentioned how you said you give a lot but dont seem to get anything back. If you decide to stay with him OP, buy that house and stop paying anything towards his children. They are not your responsibility and it pains me to see so many women getting manipulated into doing so. It's never appreciated and if your circumstances change and you can't keep funding them you will be the world's worst person.

Perhaps she was drunk. Usually, when you are drunk, the truth comes out because the filters are dropped. If you had bought a house while living with DP, make no mistake, she would have worked to manipulate your milquetoast DudP into letting her and the children live there for free.

Another poster summed it up. Already the DudP (and you) buy pretty much everything the DC need and want. No matter the outcome of the divorce, that will never, ever change. They will come first and expenses do not go down the older they get. It goes up substantially and never ends. The DudP doesn't seem able to say "no" to EX and DC at all. In a short amount of time, all his money will be going to them and he'll expect you to support him and whatever shortfall he may have with them. If you married, then he would own part of YOUR property.

The only one who can lose a lot in that relationship is you. Please beware of that.

Oh boy… they’re all coming out of the woodwork @Needhelp1000. I’m really proud of you for realizing the issue before you became so deeply enmeshed that it became normal and getting out would be financially and emotionally even more traumatic. I don’t think you deserve being kicked while you are down. You sound as strong as anyone could possibly be in this situation.

You moving out and splitting up (temporarily at least) means your income isn’t relevant as you’re not contributing at all to the household or his children and not in a relationship with him. You can change all your personal details to your brothers and provide evidence to his solicitor that you are no longer a party to any of this. Surely that’s easier than going through the stress of legal advice and courts?

You could tell him that once he’s sorted the mess out with his ex you can think what to do. Sounds too stressful to make final decisions just now….

@Collaborate There is something else at play here too. In theory a court can find that you could afford to meet all the household running costs, thereby enabling him to pay more spouse maintenance, or freeing up mortgage capacity enabling him to release more capital to her.
***

And then YOU are limited as to being able to buy or afford a mortgage on your own property.
Spousal maintenance might be rare, but STBX seems devious enough to come up with "reasons" she cannot work.

I will bet, that if you break up with DudP totally, she will STOP divorce proceedings because his personal ATM is out of the picture and she will realize she gets more via manipulation with milquetoast DudP than she would get from just him in a divorce. @Needhelp1000 at the very least, break up long enough to see if the divorce actually does continue or does she back away/he lets it go.
I would put money on the latter.

My husband is a solicitor and informs me she can, as he is living with you, it contributes to his overall finances. As you share the bills etc, exactly the same things happens. If you send your children to university, your new partners income is included in applications for grants etc. The fact you say he will only work 12 hours a week also makes me wonder if “he’s a chancer” if I were you I’d get rid of him quick … a man who is not prepared to look after his own children properly would not be for me!!!!

Hopefully, with the loving support you seem to have from your family, you can move in with a family member until the purchase of your new home goes through. Having a place of your very own, under JUST your control, will be so freeing and confidence-building.
Many here care so much about you and worry about what is happening because we've seen the results or have been there-done that-didn't even get a tshirt out of it. We are not saying these things to be mean, but to help you look into a mirror and see that you are worth much more than this kind of manipulation.

Dear John,
After much consideration, I have decided that the cost of this relationship is too great on my psyche, my heart, my common sense and my wallet. Consider this the "It isn't me, it's you" letter and as of now, we are no longer a couple.
Feel free to send this along to the solicitor as now there are no relationship encumbrances standing in the way of you getting a divorce.
I wish you and your children well but please, do not contact me. I need to be able to move on with the life I have envisioned for myself and do not need to be "lovebombed" or begged. This decision is best for me.
Have a great life,
@Needhelp1000

He probably feels lost at missing his personal ATM. I mean, he might have to actually stand on his own two feet! The horror!

I'm sure, except for more texts telling her she must disclose all her assets and financials, he will leave her be. He IS a smug little b@stard, isn't he?

She should not return to the house, except with family, to remove the rest of her belongings. After her work trip, she needs to return to her brother's and see which family she can stay with until her house purchase is completed.

I believe this is true, probably why ex waited so long to file

Thanks!

Just to correct, sorry, he works full time, it’s his ex who is doing 12 hours.

I think it became the STBXW's mission to see how much she can get from her STBXH when the OP and STBXH moved in together. She (and he) were already getting OP to help pay for his DC's wants and needs, childcare and costs when they were at his house. All before she moved in it seems?

I think the STBXW is hoping for a big payday by making STBXH take out another mortgage or give her a nice fat $$$ check. But then, I admit, I have little sympathy is she really did cheat, multiple times on the STBXH. The fact that he didn't divorce her immediately gives me pause.

You’ve summed it up perfectly and it’s something I’ve been thinking too. DP has indeed given the ex everything and more. He used to tell me that he stayed too long in the marriage, should have left years ago etc etc etc but he didn’t, he still continued to pay for everything.

Hi all! Apologies for not responding to everyone.

I haven’t had time to move things out due to logistics and the fact I’ve got some pretty important exams in the next few days so my concentration has gone into them. Once they’re done then I do want to deal with this. I feel it’s pretty clear cut the general response on here and it’s made me realise I don’t wish to involve myself further in this mess. It’s exhausting and truth be told I’m exhausted too.

I do have a consult with a solicitor booked so will discuss with them.

I’m im gonna take a step back from the thread for a bit - I’ve put so much energy into this situation with him that I can’t let it affect me until after. I’m upset that I’ve let myself get so involved with him but right now it’s overwhelming me and threatening my head space and focus.

I want to thank everyone for their responses. It’s been good to read people’s experiences and advice & it’s really helped me be able to clarify what’s going on. I really do appreciate everyone’s input.