Page 16 | DP’s ex after my salary

Needhelp1000 · 2023-05-31T17:57:39+00:00

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do. DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings. Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out. They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years. The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair. DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings. has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 06:19

I have early this morning received a message from DP saying he is now willing to discuss. He has now apparently emailed his solicitor to say he doesn’t know my true salary or financials.

Thankfully I’m actually going away with work for a few days so this will give me and him some time and space apart - this trip couldn’t have come at a better time!

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s a difficult situation and I have been a bit naive about it all it seems. If me and DP split I think it’ll be a very very good lesson to learn.

OP posts:

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 06:22

MandyMotherOfBrian · 31/05/2023 23:58

Ok then so how can a divorce settlement be made taking in to account a partnership that has no legal basis? (a partnership that could end at any time)

And the following from PP is still relevant: ‘Based on what you say, no couple should cohabit until their divorces are through otherwise one of them (or both) could be liable for some maintenance towards the former spouse’ - but swap ‘maintenance’ for ‘divorce settlement’…?

Show quote history

The same way any divorce settlement is made. One of the factors the court is required to take into account by law in determining the financial split is the financial needs each party has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 25(2)(b)). If one of the parties is cohabiting and the relationship appears stable, that potentially reduces their needs.

whiteroseredrose · 01/06/2023 06:23

tailinthejam · 31/05/2023 21:04

As a pp said early on, move out and tell him you'll come back after they are divorced.

I agree.

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 06:28

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 04:11

Okay, so then, if the EXW marries or gets a live-in partner, does it go back to court so maintenance gets reduced since SHE now has someone to share expenses with?

I hope the OP leaves this toxicity far, far behind her and moves on with her life. She deserves better.

I also think it's stupid that a GF/DP's income is considered at all. But then, the fact that a cheating spouse gets ANYTHING is just abhorrent to me. The cheating spouse should have to pay for everything, get zero maintenance and get 0% of any house, car or anything else.

Show quote history

Spousal maintenance is rare. However, when spousal maintenance is awarded, it automatically terminates if the recipient remarries. The order may also contain provisions as to what happens if the recipient cohabits, e.g. that it terminates after they cohabit for 6 months. If the order does not contain any such provisions, it is open to the payer to go back to court and apply for spousal maintenance to be reduced if the recipient cohabits.

Fraaahnces · 01/06/2023 06:40

And don't EVER disclose your earnings to him. I think he knows he's onto a good thing with you.

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 06:46

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 06:22

The same way any divorce settlement is made. One of the factors the court is required to take into account by law in determining the financial split is the financial needs each party has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 25(2)(b)). If one of the parties is cohabiting and the relationship appears stable, that potentially reduces their needs.

Show quote history

Just to add, lots of factors that are taken into account when determining the financial split may change. The spouse with a 6-figure income may become disabled and no longer able to work. The partner living on benefits may unexpectedly come into a large inheritance. The courts can only deal with the situation as it is at the time. If something happens shortly after the order is made that fundamentally undermines the assumptions on which the order was made, that is referred to as a Barder event and allows either party to take the matter back to court to get the order changed.

boboshmobo · 01/06/2023 06:49

How will she fight if she only gets 12 hours worth of money a week and presumably some benefits ..

He doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart tbh .!

Go and live in your new house and wait til it's blown over. Then you are just a girlfriend and irrelevant in this scenario!

pollykitty · 01/06/2023 06:54

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

WTF. This is so outrageous to me. I am angry on your behalf. Why would you stay with someone who threatens you like this. He’s responsible for his own divorce and should have taken care of it years ago. Relationship over. Move out!

Bananalanacake · 01/06/2023 06:59

Move out. He can tell the ex you have split up, how would she know either way? Then you can date him once a week. Why live together? I once had a bf who couldn't be bothered to sort his divorce out, I had no intention of living with him, I would enjoy a shag then kick him out the door saying "bye, see you next week".

Newestname002 · 01/06/2023 07:00

@Needhelp1000

I have early this morning received a message from DP saying he is now willing to discuss. He has now apparently emailed his solicitor to say he doesn’t know my true salary or financials.

Well there's a surprise! You temporarily moving in with your brother has given him food for thought and he's beginning to see that he acted badly (to say the least) towards you and what he stands to lose both emotionally and financially if you were to leave the relationship.

Frankly, leaving this relationship for good would be best for you and he'll need to learn to stand up for himself against his rabid wife and sort out his finances, especially regarding her, responsibly.

Thank goodness you are not financially tied to this man in any way. 🌹

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 07:04

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 06:19

I have early this morning received a message from DP saying he is now willing to discuss. He has now apparently emailed his solicitor to say he doesn’t know my true salary or financials.

Thankfully I’m actually going away with work for a few days so this will give me and him some time and space apart - this trip couldn’t have come at a better time!

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s a difficult situation and I have been a bit naive about it all it seems. If me and DP split I think it’ll be a very very good lesson to learn.

As I said up thread, if the financial settlement goes to court and he says he doesn't know your financials, the court may assume that he is deliberately hiding your financials in order to reduce his ex's financial settlement. The court can then make assumptions about your financial situation which may lead to him having to pay his ex more than if the true figures were disclosed.

coodawoodashooda · 01/06/2023 07:13

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:16

@CatastrophicCat He has basically told me that if I don’t give my financials then the divorce cannot proceed and that it will be delayed.

I think he is trying to guilt trip me into giving across the details though because her solicitor is being insistent. Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation and would quite happily provide them with the information needed.

He has just said that if I don’t give the details then she’ll get a court order out against me and it’ll cost me money lol!

Thanks for all your help.

I'm annoyed just read that.

YouJustDoYou · 01/06/2023 07:16

Newestname002 · 01/06/2023 07:00

@Needhelp1000

I have early this morning received a message from DP saying he is now willing to discuss. He has now apparently emailed his solicitor to say he doesn’t know my true salary or financials.

Well there's a surprise! You temporarily moving in with your brother has given him food for thought and he's beginning to see that he acted badly (to say the least) towards you and what he stands to lose both emotionally and financially if you were to leave the relationship.

Frankly, leaving this relationship for good would be best for you and he'll need to learn to stand up for himself against his rabid wife and sort out his finances, especially regarding her, responsibly.

Thank goodness you are not financially tied to this man in any way. 🌹

Probably also realises his financially better-off partner who also helps him out with childcare and child costsfor his kids is no longer around to do all that for him so he wants his convenient purse/childcare back.

Winniewoooooooo · 01/06/2023 07:21

asilikeit · 31/05/2023 19:02

I might be totally wrong but I think once you have been living with him more than 6 months it would be considered that his living costs are now less as you would be sharing them with him and they can indeed ask for this info.

This isn't true.
TBH if the ex is acting like this already then your DP should get a lawyer.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 07:25

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 06:19

I have early this morning received a message from DP saying he is now willing to discuss. He has now apparently emailed his solicitor to say he doesn’t know my true salary or financials.

Thankfully I’m actually going away with work for a few days so this will give me and him some time and space apart - this trip couldn’t have come at a better time!

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s a difficult situation and I have been a bit naive about it all it seems. If me and DP split I think it’ll be a very very good lesson to learn.

Lessons learned are always invaluable in some way, shape or form. If you get back with him & move back in with him, they will still take into account your finances to establish his "share" of the matrimony assets.
You don't need that in your life. Buy your house, enjoy your life and understand that none of this was your fault. HE should have had this all sorted before he got serious about anyone. Putting the onus on you is unfair and detrimental to your future.

justasking111 · 01/06/2023 07:26

Has the automatic divorce after five years separation gone then?

Itsanotherhreatday · 01/06/2023 07:27

https://www.facebook.com/reel/202121609367184?fs=e&s=9RfQYY

LegL queen on FB - exactly the same senario

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/reel/202121609367184?fs=e&s=9RfQYY

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 01/06/2023 07:29

I don’t know why they actually split up they sound uniquely suited to each other.

Honestly you’d be mad to carry on this relationship, utterly mad. Masochistic levels of madness.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/06/2023 07:31

Rubbish she has zero claim on you. You are not married to her husband. She is just taking the piss. If she does try anything legal just totally ignore it. Even if you were married she has no claim on your salary. Its all just empty threats.
However there is no way I'd have anyone living with me going through this mess let alone take on his 3 kids and deal with his divorce. A man would have to be fly divorced before I'd consider it. I dont know why you are putting yourself through this.

musixa · 01/06/2023 07:35

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 07:04

As I said up thread, if the financial settlement goes to court and he says he doesn't know your financials, the court may assume that he is deliberately hiding your financials in order to reduce his ex's financial settlement. The court can then make assumptions about your financial situation which may lead to him having to pay his ex more than if the true figures were disclosed.

Show quote history

If OP has moved out then surely all he has to say is the truth 'My partner has now moved out because she wasn't happy about her financials being brought into my divorce proceedings' - a perfectly reasonable position to take.

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 07:44

Winniewoooooooo · 01/06/2023 07:21

This isn't true.
TBH if the ex is acting like this already then your DP should get a lawyer.

Show quote history

It is true. @asilikeit is correct.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/06/2023 07:45

WouldYouLikeYourMuffinButtered · 31/05/2023 19:06

This sums it all up. I'd be moving out and taking my salary and savings with me.

Show quote history

This!

I can't see why you refusing to supply YOUR PRIVATE FINANCIAL DETAILS should interfere with any divorce proceedings.

If she's short of cash she should get a full time job.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/06/2023 07:47

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:07

@LeilaRose777 apologies I don’t think I wrote it well!

As soon as ex found out I had moved in together with him she started to make noises about divorce and then it started. He was quite happy to go along with proceedings especially as our relationship had become serious but has now said he will delay the divorce if I don’t disclose my financials as ‘apparently’ he can’t get divorced if I don’t provide the financials.

it’s all a bit of a mess to be honest and I really wish I never got involved.

I think he's lying.

Get proper legal advice.

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 07:47

justasking111 · 01/06/2023 07:26

Has the automatic divorce after five years separation gone then?

There has never been automatic divorce after five years separation, but you didn't need your ex's consent to divorce in this situation. That has been replaced by divorce on demand. However, this isn't about the divorce as such. It is about the financial settlement.

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 07:49

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/06/2023 07:45

This!

I can't see why you refusing to supply YOUR PRIVATE FINANCIAL DETAILS should interfere with any divorce proceedings.

If she's short of cash she should get a full time job.

Show quote history

Because he has to make a full financial disclosure, including anything he knows about OP's finances, as part of the divorce. If he fails to do so it may delay the financial settlement which, in turn, will delay the divorce.

However, the courts look at people's earnings potential, not their actual earnings. Unless there is some good reason why his ex cannot work full time, the amount she would earn in a full time job would be taken into account.