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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Milkand2sugarsplease · 01/06/2023 00:13

Glad you've walked away and put yourself first! Now get your ducks in a row and move on.

suburbophobe · 01/06/2023 00:40

Yes, OP, you've done the right thing by moving out. Lucky you have that lovely brother!

I'm sorry for your heartache but you are really saving yourself from a messy situation. Why the hell should YOU contact and pay for a lawyer....
For a man who hasn't been able to get his shit together for 4 years re. the divorce.
And then turning around and blaming YOU for his inadequacies.

her salary forms part of his assets..

This is ridiculous. They're not even married!

As for asking for other family's assets (parents and brother) in a previous post, words fail me.

I don't live in UK and am glad we have marriage that can include a pre-nup agreement if you want. Because yes, some people ARE out to fleece you.
He didn't (I'm divorced) but would protect me and my child if he'd started a business which went bankrupt and avoid them coming in taking the cooker, fridge, washing machine etc. to pay off the debts.....

Thesharkradar · 01/06/2023 00:43

His ex sounds very manipulative & 'bad news' - you'd be better off off her radar

aurynne · 01/06/2023 02:01

"DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks."

Appropriate response:

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Bye."

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 02:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

blisstwins · 01/06/2023 02:47

honestly I think it was a mistake to
move in with someone still legally married to someone else. Why doesn’t he move out, take care of his divorce, and then see where you are?

EllandRd · 01/06/2023 03:01

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 19:50

@BravoMyDear He works full time. His ex only works 12 hours a week.

We even offered to have the kids more so she could work full time but she refused - she just states she doesn’t want to work full time.

we pay for everything for the kids and it seems we pay for most expenses even when the kids are with her.

Well we only have your word for that.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 03:04

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:12

Might be outing but she was having multiple affairs. She left DP to be with the other man but apparently they split up not long after. This was all before I came into the scene

Show quote history

So, she screwed around on the marriage and still thinks she has a right to act all righteous and greedy? She already found a sucker in your (I hope now) Ex-P; so don't let her get near you.
They want your financials so she can claim that he can pay more because you can just pay all the day-to-day bills on your salary.
She is a money-grubber, jealous, lazy, rude and a narcissistic CeeUNextTuesday .
I am glad you are moving out, and you should stay moved out and keep him out of your life, get your own house, settle in and THEN see how you feel.
You deserve better! Tell yourself that every. single. day!

EllandRd · 01/06/2023 03:12

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:27

@SmirnoffIceIsNice

The youngest has just reached teen years and still goes to a holiday type club in the holidays etc - that’s what I meant. I don’t mean everyday childcare. He does have additional needs though so does need someone to be there during the day when we’re both working during the holidays.

But according to you his mum only works 12 hours a week, so is that because her child has additional needs? Now the truth starting to come out. More to this then your letting on.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 03:15

Pasithean · 31/05/2023 20:25

Been there. Still there. 30 years later she’s retired and left the 7th man, second husband since she was married to DH. Now realises she has spent all her money and wants more. Never gave details 30 years ago or now. Ignore ignore ignore. She has no right to even know what you make.

She cannot come after your DH again, can she?
I hope she cannot after all that time.
It's disheartening to read about so many greedy women.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 03:29

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:46

Thankfully I have family nearby who are happy to accommodate me.

I need to make a decision to be honest. It’s not been easy and the last few weeks have been difficult. My gut instinct is telling me to leave and to start afresh on my own.

Show quote history

LISTEN to your gut! I think everything about this is foul and you are being dragged into the middle of something where his wife hopes that she can show that you can pay all of yours and his expenses and therefore, she can have all of his money.
You can do much better than this spineless excuse of a man and his twat-waffle wife.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 03:34

CharlottenBurger · 31/05/2023 20:52

I've actually seen this happen. I'd be very very careful, OP.

Show quote history

So have I and it never, ever ends well and the only person ever hurt is the person in the OP's position. My guess is he would be counting down to the day he can claim some of her money for himself in their "break-up", as he is "accustomed" to a certain lifestyle.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2023 03:50

You seem to be a very kind and caring woman, who has been very eager to please, contribute and care for his children, which are all great things to be. Unfortunately right now this is backfiring due to your partner’s unwillingness to stand up to his ex.

I think moving out will be the best option to clear your head and see whether or not you really want to be with him. You’re in the process of buying your own place so he can truthfully state you were staying with him temporarily. He definitely needs to rebuild the trust with you… that’s if you decide to let him as I can see you’re considering ending the relationship.

I feel for the children and I am sure they won’t forget the kindness and care you showed them.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 03:54

Concerned3 · 31/05/2023 21:32

If he's conflict avoidant and she's aggressive, maybe consider might truly believe your declining to provide financials is going to prolong things/ involve more communications between solicitors.

And that may be true - solicitors ( both sides) can & often do find reasons to contact each other about particular points, particularly when info had been requested but not provided. Including when they dont have the right to that info (may or may not be the case here).

If he's had you living with him rent-free (I see you do help with bills) it's unlikely he's trying to take financial advantage of you.

Perhaps rather than deciding to leave him based on financials, step back & look at the bigger picture, how much do you love him & want to stay with him long term?

Your salary & assets would have little to no impact on the settlement/ maintenance awarded by the court, so don't let fear of ex trying to come after your money put you off.

This is a short-term problem in terms of hassle & possibly some solicitors charges for a few letters.

Don't let it determine a long term decision about staying together or not. What do you really (realistically) want?

Good luck

Except, in this case, since the money-grubbing, lazy wife doesn't spend any money on HER children and expects husband and GF to buy it all, it will not change after a divorce. The EW will then have maintenance and will STILL tell her children to make DF and his GF pay for everything. Which leads to GF spending her money indirectly to support EW. Plus, is her financials are taken into account and they feel she can pay the majority of "bills", they can take more of his money for maintenance, meaning GF still pays, indirectly.
Plus, the EX will NEVER not be aggressive and the DP will NEVER be anything but a milquetoast concerning the EX, OP will never be comfortable and will always be the third person in that toxic relationship.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 04:11

prh47bridge · 31/05/2023 21:51

@Needhelp1000 I've only scanned the first page of this thread, but I can see there is a lot of poor advice. You may not like it (and many posters on this thread clearly don't!), but your partner has to make a full financial disclosure to his ex, including everything he knows about your income, assets and liabilities (question 4.6 on Form E). If he does not do so, the court is entitled to draw adverse inferences, which isn't what you or your partner want as that could lead to his ex ending up with a much larger slice of the assets.

Failure to give information about your income, assets and liabilities may indeed slow down the divorce as it may delay the financial settlement. His ex will be advised that she shouldn't finalise the divorce until the financial settlement is sorted.

His ex won't directly get her hands on any of your income. She may want you to contribute, but there is no way the courts would order that. However, the court may decide that your income and assets reduce your partner's needs, which has an impact on the divorce settlement.

Okay, so then, if the EXW marries or gets a live-in partner, does it go back to court so maintenance gets reduced since SHE now has someone to share expenses with?

I hope the OP leaves this toxicity far, far behind her and moves on with her life. She deserves better.

I also think it's stupid that a GF/DP's income is considered at all. But then, the fact that a cheating spouse gets ANYTHING is just abhorrent to me. The cheating spouse should have to pay for everything, get zero maintenance and get 0% of any house, car or anything else.

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2023 04:20

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 22:04

I am listening to all posts, and do apologise if that’s how it’s come across.

taking this divorce out of the equation I’ve had small doubts about the relationship which have really come to the forefront lately. Todays situation was the final straw which made me really assess how I felt.

I’ve never been in this situation before so posted for views and advice. I would happily get independent legal advice if needs be and if I wanted to continue the relationship.

I’m thankfully financially stable so can make the decision to leave and start afresh on my own with no problems - in fact that idea now looks good. I’m heartbroken though, I really am.

Show quote history

I truly think that if you stayed with this dud, you'd still end up heartbroken, and in a lot worse financial situation.
Grieve, as it's normal and just. But then, realize that you have made YOU the priority, which is how it should be.
No matter how anyone "tries" to phrase it, staying with him means that your income will be used to support his children and his ex, even though it can be indirectly. That will affect the income available for use if you decide to have a child.
You deserve better than a milquetoast (in dealing with his ex) and a toxic twat-waffle in your life.

Mysticlou · 01/06/2023 05:14

I am sorry OP but I think you are being used. This happened to a friend of mine, the bf had three children. My friend is a high earner. The guy kept her away from friends and family. He no longer works and she has paid his maintaince.
Personally I would call it a day. If your bf is guilt tripping you that is not a nice person. My DH and I have been married 35 years and he doesn't know what I earn. We pay our bills as they come up and have our own bank accounts. Someone who can sulk and drag you into his divorce many years after the split is not a strong character. You do deserve better.
If you want to get married pay for a proper marriage agency. They do financial checks. £2k to such an establishment will be cheaper than being fleeced by this man. Sorry to be blunt but lots of successful women get targeted these days. Goldiggers wear trousers too!

Kennykenkencat · 01/06/2023 05:43

I think from reading your replies that someone has punted put that you don’t need to provide anything but he has to tell the courts what he “knows” of your finances.

If he doesn’t know then he doesn’t know.

It has no bearing on how much his ex will get to support her.

Ultimately him saying you are the one costing more in solicitors fees is wrong. His responsibility is to provide what he knows or doesn’t know, not you.

YouJustDoYou · 01/06/2023 05:44

Urgh, he and she both sound like nightmares, "blended families" can be tricky to work but sometimes it simply isn't worth the ball ache it brings. Glad for you op that you have the option to start afresh if you need, and lovely of your db to put you up for a bit whilst you decide.

Kennykenkencat · 01/06/2023 05:46

Okay, so then, if the EXW marries or gets a live-in partner, does it go back to court so maintenance gets reduced since SHE now has someone to share expenses with Not for child maintenance but if she was awarded maintenance then yes it would

YouJustDoYou · 01/06/2023 05:48

"DO I HAVE TO DISCLOSE THE FINANCES OF MY NEW PARTNER?" -

"This would again depend on the circumstances. The court want to know if you are, or if you intend to co-habit. It is important you answer that question correctly. Your new partner’s assets (property and pensions etc.) are not included in the financial disclosure. However if you are living with a new partner and looking at the issues of spousal maintenance, then your partner’s contribution to the overall household expenses would need to be included in your budget. The court would expect you to make, as far as possible, an open disclosure of your financial situation, including contributions from your new partner. The court have no power to demand any of your new partner’s assets are shared with your ex-spouse".

" WE ARE NOT MARRIED OR IN A CIVIL PARTNERSHIP DO I NEED TO DISCLOSE ALL MY ASSETS?" No, if you are not married, only the assets and liabilities in joint names need to be disclosed. In mediation you are free to discuss any financial arrangement you can agree on. But if your matter went to court they will only be able to consider assets or liabilities in joint names. There are separate areas of civil law that can deal with an interest in a property that you do not own. It is a complicated area and you should take independent legal advice on this. There is no recognition in law of a common law husband or wife.

Fraaahnces · 01/06/2023 05:53

Are you 100% certain that this is coming from the ex and not the ex using her as a fishing trip so that HE can screw you financially? It really is beginning to sound like a DH/DP problem.

CosmosQueen · 01/06/2023 05:57

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 20:23

Is it worth me speaking to a separate solicitor about this?

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

seriously having second thoughts about this relationship now.

Wtf?
I’d be off as fast as I could OP 😳

standardduck · 01/06/2023 06:00

They both sound awful to be honest.

Your DP should not be expecting you to pay for his kids, he is not even divorced yet. They are his and his ex responsibility and it sounds like she is not doing her share at all.

I think you are right to be questioning your relationship. You can honestly do better.

greyhairnomore · 01/06/2023 06:14

asilikeit · 31/05/2023 19:02

I might be totally wrong but I think once you have been living with him more than 6 months it would be considered that his living costs are now less as you would be sharing them with him and they can indeed ask for this info.

Yes , I saw a lawyer The Legal Queen (?) explaining this online.

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