Page 17 | DP’s ex after my salary

Needhelp1000 · 2023-05-31T17:57:39+00:00

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do. DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings. Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out. They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years. The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair. DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings. has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 07:50

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/06/2023 07:47

I think he's lying.

Get proper legal advice.

Show quote history

He is not lying, although he may not have fully understood what his lawyer has told him. He can get divorced without OP's financials, but it may delay the divorce and may result in him having to pay his ex more than if he does disclose OP's financials.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/06/2023 07:53

Thank you - the law is a very complex thing.

MinnieGirl · 01/06/2023 07:54

He has now realised what he is about to loose….
You are well rid of this man.
He does not stick up for you and gets nasty when you don’t do what he wants. He’s not that unlike his wife…..
Do you want this for the rest of your life? Move out you deserve much better than him.

Doodar · 01/06/2023 07:54

Good god, get rid op.

IncompleteSenten · 01/06/2023 07:57

Of course he's now willing to discuss. He's realised his cash cow may be walking away.

"Willing to discuss" is so bloody arrogant! And probably just means string you along, make promises and offer soothing words so he can carry on being subbed by your salary!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/06/2023 08:04

Please do not waste your life and money on this man. They are really good at sniffing out women with more to offer financially the second time round. They are even better at convincing these women that they are somehow financially liable for him, his children and even his ex wife!
Work on your self worth OP, you have tolerated far more than a lot of women would and you need to work out why. He will take and take from you while placing you at the bottom of the pile. Do not let him.

NyanBinaryJohn · 01/06/2023 08:09

So if the STBXH moved in with a purely platonic friend by means of a flat share, would the friend/flatmate's income, debt and assets be taken in to account too?

OP, regardless of what is legal, what stands out for me is that he is happy to stand up to you but not his ex. That to me is a far bigger red flag.

I'm glad you have family support.

Stravaig · 01/06/2023 08:09

An aside, but I'd always thought threads in Legal were quiet and scholarly. This one has AIBU vibes, like a boombox in the law library. Impression, transformed.

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 08:14

@Needhelp1000 what was your plan with the place you were buying before all this blew up? Were you going to move out and into it? Were you and DP going to move into it and sell his current place?

Hocuspocusnonsense · 01/06/2023 08:21

YES! I have! And I refused to provide any information on my income and savings.

My (now ex) and I were together for 12 years. He had one child with his ex, she worked part time and refused to work full time, and insisted my salary should be taken in to her maintenance equation. I had a good income because I worked full time and long hours!

I refused to provide the information and my partners solicitor said she was chancing her luck and I wasn’t obliged to provide my details and he advised me to refuse. That was the end of it!

BetterFuture1985 · 01/06/2023 08:21

prh47bridge · 01/06/2023 06:22

The same way any divorce settlement is made. One of the factors the court is required to take into account by law in determining the financial split is the financial needs each party has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 25(2)(b)). If one of the parties is cohabiting and the relationship appears stable, that potentially reduces their needs.

Show quote history

Yes, and it is generally a bad idea to cohabit before the financial settlement is finalised for this reason. It's cheaper to rent a studio flat for a year than end up handing over more assets and possibly even maintenance to an ex spouse for a long time (and will be especially galling when that ex spouse also cohabits after the split without being penalised in the same way at all).

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 08:23

Stravaig · 01/06/2023 08:09

An aside, but I'd always thought threads in Legal were quiet and scholarly. This one has AIBU vibes, like a boombox in the law library. Impression, transformed.

Actually wasn’t sure which board to post on at first!

OP posts:

sadlittlelifejane · 01/06/2023 08:24

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 22:11

He earns slightly more than me but has much less disposable income. I seem to have been picking up the slack for the bills, for example.

the children’s mum is refusing to buy things for the kids when they’re in her care so we do find DP is paying out for all this too. I don’t begrudge this before anyone starts - but I do find I’m having to pick up the slack because of the hit it takes on DP’s disposable income.

Show quote history

That's barely fair seeing as you aren't paying rent. You should be picking up the slack for bills. It's not "paying into someone else's mortgage" like PPs suggest. You are living rent free, which frankly would gain you the title "cocklodger" if you were a man.

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 08:26

I think once a thread gets into active, AIBU type vibes are inevitable!

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 08:26

sadlittlelifejane · 01/06/2023 08:24

That's barely fair seeing as you aren't paying rent. You should be picking up the slack for bills. It's not "paying into someone else's mortgage" like PPs suggest. You are living rent free, which frankly would gain you the title "cocklodger" if you were a man.

Show quote history

I’m not being that at all - I’m paying a good amount towards bills, and then helping to pay for the kids on top of that. We both came to an agreement that because I’m not on the mortgage and deeds I wouldn’t help towards the mortgage.

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 08:27

sadlittlelifejane · 01/06/2023 08:24

That's barely fair seeing as you aren't paying rent. You should be picking up the slack for bills. It's not "paying into someone else's mortgage" like PPs suggest. You are living rent free, which frankly would gain you the title "cocklodger" if you were a man.

Show quote history

Oh, rubbish. OP is contributing to childcare costs for the youngest and is otherwise buying stuff for the kids. Hardly cocklodger territory.

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 08:29

And - as OP has now said - if she was paying towards the mortgage, the situation would be even messier. Both DP and exW’s houses are still marital assets at this point (which is why I wonder if exW might end this whole thing worse off than she is expecting, but that’s not OP’s problem)

Stravaig · 01/06/2023 08:30

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 08:23

Actually wasn’t sure which board to post on at first!

Show quote history

I think you've got two in one, legal information from a few informed folks, and the unasked but well and truly answered, should I stay?!

sadlittlelifejane · 01/06/2023 08:30

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 08:26

I’m not being that at all - I’m paying a good amount towards bills, and then helping to pay for the kids on top of that. We both came to an agreement that because I’m not on the mortgage and deeds I wouldn’t help towards the mortgage.

Show quote history

But you dressed it as "picking up the slack" as if he needed the help and you are having to shoulder the financial strain. Which isnt fair at all seeing as you are living in his house. No, you are paying your way to live there. And realistically, unless the household bills are astronomical, they will be less than you would be paying rent-wise.

I also don't understand this view of "not helping towards the mortgage". Rent. It's called rent.

Naunet · 01/06/2023 08:30

sadlittlelifejane · 01/06/2023 08:24

That's barely fair seeing as you aren't paying rent. You should be picking up the slack for bills. It's not "paying into someone else's mortgage" like PPs suggest. You are living rent free, which frankly would gain you the title "cocklodger" if you were a man.

Show quote history

Err no, you clearly don’t know what a cocklodger is.

HamstersAreMyLife · 01/06/2023 08:32

asilikeit · 31/05/2023 19:02

I might be totally wrong but I think once you have been living with him more than 6 months it would be considered that his living costs are now less as you would be sharing them with him and they can indeed ask for this info.

This is my view, I wouldn't delay if you've just moved in, progress the divorce ASAP but I don't think you need to share your financials yet.

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 08:32

“I also don't understand this view of "not helping towards the mortgage". Rent. It's called rent.”

The situation would be further complicated if OP had paid down some of the mortgage and had a claim to Some ownership of the house.

Kiwano · 01/06/2023 08:33

I'm not clear whether you are considering leaving your partner because of his reaction to this situation or for other reasons. If it's the first, it seems a pity because he was right to follow his solicitors' advice, and much of the advice on this thread is seriously incorrect.

Original poster

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 08:36

Kiwano · 01/06/2023 08:33

I'm not clear whether you are considering leaving your partner because of his reaction to this situation or for other reasons. If it's the first, it seems a pity because he was right to follow his solicitors' advice, and much of the advice on this thread is seriously incorrect.

I have had a few small doubts at the back of my head for a while now. I think the situation that has happened has brought everything to the forefront and after reading people’s responses it has allowed me to assess how I really feel about the relationship.

I’ve done a lot for this man and for his children, I’ve not had much back and it does feel all a bit too much now. I’ve been naive, yes, unfortunately!

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 08:38

Don’t be too hard on yourself op! As you say, you only moved in a few months ago and presumably before that weren’t entangled in the finances as you now are.