DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

I didn’t realise how much traction this thread would get, and I’m really glad people have given some really good advice. Thanks to you all!

I’ve been having doubts about him before I posted this and this ‘situation’ has helped me to listen to my gut feeling. Reading your replies has confirmed this.

He seems to be afraid of his ex and wants to settle it all quickly. It’s been exhausting for me mentally and knowing she is insulting me through text to him frequently doesn’t help.

I think today was the final straw and made me realise my feelings and the situation in general.

I am staying at my brothers tonight who has kindly offered me his spare room. I’ve told DP I need some thinking time. His response, unfortunately, was non-empathetic and he just said ‘ok, sorry’.

Thank you to all for your comments, I do appreciate people’s opinions on this.

But that is ridiculous. It’s expecting the woman he lives with to subsidise him so he can give more to his ex’s.

Either way (it can go that the ex loses out because the new partner is a drain on his resources), it’s ultimately getting women to subsidise each other when the marriage was only between the man and his STBXW.

I would step right back from this relationship because he has clearly demonstrated that his allegiance isn’t to you.
My advice would be to move out asap …go to your family until your own home is ready and stay well away at least until his personal affairs are sorted and he’s free to have a relationship with you properly.
He’s taking advantage OP. And you don’t need to be paying half his household bills and financially supporting his teenager.
You need to protect yourself and your own hard earned savings. He won’t as he’s a coward.

@Needhelp1000 I've only scanned the first page of this thread, but I can see there is a lot of poor advice. You may not like it (and many posters on this thread clearly don't!), but your partner has to make a full financial disclosure to his ex, including everything he knows about your income, assets and liabilities (question 4.6 on Form E). If he does not do so, the court is entitled to draw adverse inferences, which isn't what you or your partner want as that could lead to his ex ending up with a much larger slice of the assets.

Failure to give information about your income, assets and liabilities may indeed slow down the divorce as it may delay the financial settlement. His ex will be advised that she shouldn't finalise the divorce until the financial settlement is sorted.

His ex won't directly get her hands on any of your income. She may want you to contribute, but there is no way the courts would order that. However, the court may decide that your income and assets reduce your partner's needs, which has an impact on the divorce settlement.

IANAL but a quick google says that yes, your financial situation should be declared. However, it also shows that this would only be factored in in the sense that your DP's living costs are obviously reduced as he can split them with you. This is balanced against the ex's needs and if she is only working PT with no valid reason to not increase her hours, it will all likely cancel each other out.

None of which is the point. Had DP sorted this out when he should have done - before moving in with you - your income would never have been a consideration! Do not let the CF make out it's your fault when it's his own inertia that's caused this problem in the first place!

Really sorry to hear this. They are out of order and a pair of CF -not sure who is worse really. He should have your back but doesn’t

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine but her husband told the ex wife to jog on. That’s what he needs to do but clearly can’t or won’t

The ex is too idle to work to support herself and the share of their children's running costs, so often the ex is too lazy to work more and expects to be supported.

It is the same for both sexes. If she had a new partner, his income, assets and liabilities would also need to be disclosed.

You may think it is ridiculous, but it is the law. The courts look at the needs of both parties in sorting out the financial settlement. If one party's needs are lower because they are now co-habiting, that may reduce the amount they get. However, it is not guaranteed that it will do so. It may make no difference at all. But the partner's financial information still needs to be disclosed.

Dump him and the whole problem disappears over night. The greedy cow will have to get off her lazy arse and work more hours just like you do. She is taking the piss expecting you to fund her lifestyle.

This is a short-term problem

It's really not. His current behaviour towards OP is abusive. That doesn't tend to be a short term problem! It tends to be an established pattern of behaviour every time the abuser doesn't get their own way.

Stop paying anything at all towards his DC OP then you'll see further abuse. You're a cash cow to him. Move out, stop contributing to his household expenses in any way. Date him if you must, expecting him to split costs for dates 50/50 with you and don't let him move into your place by stealth, not even part time, call him a cab home even if it's 3am and he's to be up for work in the morning. Can guarantee you won't see him for dust once he realises your purse has closed. He's rinsing you.

Well done, OP. I think you've made a good decision here.

Hopefully you don't waver if he realises you might be serious so starts trying to wheedle his way back in to your good books until he tries to get his way again.

Just to add, the courts look at both party's earning potential, not their actual earnings. As another poster points out, if she could work full-time and the only reason she isn't is that she doesn't want to, her potential full-time earnings will be taken into account rather than her current earnings.

I think you have made the right decision here OP.

Best to find out now.

Good luck and I hope your new place completes soon.

*I think today was the final straw and made me realise my feelings and the situation in general.

I am staying at my brothers tonight who has kindly offered me his spare room. I’ve told DP I need some thinking time. His response, unfortunately, was non-empathetic and he just said ‘ok, sorry’.*

I'm glad you're staying with your brother. I think your partners shown you how little he cares about you tbh, I'd walk away. You'll be so much better off out the situation and away from him and his greedy work shy ex.

But that is ridiculous. It’s expecting the woman he lives with to subsidise him so he can give more to his ex’s

its nothing to do with that - it’s to do with making sure children are adequately looked after and housed.

my ex moved in with a woman who owned a 4 bed house whilst I was struggling. Rightly I got almost all the equity in the house so I could buy a two bed flat for me and our child. It’s nothing to do with ‘pitting women’ against each other as it’s equally applicable to either sex and is solely about ensuring adequate housing for children.

Your decision, but it is a shame you are listening to the large number of posters who don't know the law. As per my posts, he is required to give his ex everything he knows about your financial situation. That doesn't mean she is going to get a slice of your income or assets. But he is not being a CF by insisting on giving this information to his ex. He is trying to do what the law requires.

That's exactly right unfortunately

No it isn’t.

Form E requires the divorcing couple to declare what they know.

There is absolutely no requirement for the OP to declare anything to anyone. In the absence of information it’s assumed that living costs are shared so the DP needs less than he would if he lived alone. That is all.

He's being a total CF by the way he's speaking to and treating the OP.

Thankfully, she has listened to most people who have said his behaviour warrants a rethink on the relatiinship.

What happens if he doesn't know it and OP refuses to provide it to him?

I’m glad you’ve removed yourself from the situation.

you can now very clearly see that he’s perfectly comfortable with confrontation. It’s just that he feels it’s easier to confront and upset you than to upset his ex.

That is a huge problem.

i bet you’re younger than he is and have loads going for you. You can do much better than this.

I am listening to all posts, and do apologise if that’s how it’s come across.

taking this divorce out of the equation I’ve had small doubts about the relationship which have really come to the forefront lately. Todays situation was the final straw which made me really assess how I felt.

I’ve never been in this situation before so posted for views and advice. I would happily get independent legal advice if needs be and if I wanted to continue the relationship.

I’m thankfully financially stable so can make the decision to leave and start afresh on my own with no problems - in fact that idea now looks good. I’m heartbroken though, I really am.

The problem isn’t her need to protect her income. It’s that her partner is a manipulative arse who will happily upset and threaten her because he has failed to bother getting divorced and doesn’t want to tell his ex to take some bloody financial responsibility for herself.

Is he financially secure OP? Does he earn as much as you?

He may well be hoping that you'd lighten his load financially.

That doesn't mean she is going to get a slice of your income or assets

Well it does mean that she will get more and he pays out less due to her contribution - her salary forms part of his assets.

He will be better off financially if he lives alone -