DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

The court assumes that all his costs (rent/mortgage, utilities etc.) are halved by the presence of the partner, so his needs are lower than they would have been if he was alone, so the ex may get more in the settlement.

He earns slightly more than me but has much less disposable income. I seem to have been picking up the slack for the bills, for example.

the children’s mum is refusing to buy things for the kids when they’re in her care so we do find DP is paying out for all this too. I don’t begrudge this before anyone starts - but I do find I’m having to pick up the slack because of the hit it takes on DP’s disposable income.

I know someone who had this. She was pressured to disclose her second husband's income by her ex-spouse, who was trying to get higher maintenance payments. She refused to disclose his salary to the CSA, and they had to accept it because no one is legally obliged to pay towards kids that aren't their own. At least that's how it stands in the UK, OP.

I am glad you are at your brother’s and I am so sorry that you are hurting. I think you are doing the right thing to give yourself some space and support

Best if he moves out. At least for now so your finances don't end up as part of a messy divorce (not that they should but just keeps things simple). After the divorce the relationship can be reviewed.

It doesn't sound like he is playing fair, whatever the legal forms are he has to fill in, you don't have to declare your financial information to him, nor should you. If the courts want to know they can order you to present it, but thats completely different.

He should have respected your point and just put not known on the forms and that be that.

He sound like a lot of agro going forward, you say you have had doubts, and its enough you have moved out for the night, run, don't walk!

You are financially independent, good for you, there is an inherent risk in that position that there are grifters who prey on those who have some money - this may or may not be the case here, something makes me question the divorce proceedings as soon as you move in, could they be working together, who knows - you don't have to find out.

Good luck OP

I can't comment on the legal aspect but I think cutting your losses, moving out and continuing with the buying of your own place to then live in is wise. It sounds like realistically you ARE funding both him and her really already by you having to pick up the slack bills wise because he spends soo much of his income on bankrolling her not working and him doing most of the child related costs.

Make a clean break OP. you're being used here. Whether it's calculated and intentional or just thoughtless and taking you for granted while being spineless towards the ex, the results are the same and it's not a healthy dynamic or the foundations for a happy relationship.

There are two things here. And they are poles apart.

• She is not getting any of your money because she has no valid claim.
• Your relationship with him is 100% down to you.

These are not mere facts, they are rights embodied in law.

See a solicitor and you will sleep easy, but the outcome is as above.

It's good that you're living in his house, it's much easier to move out than to kick him out with the DC. If you decide to go you can do it fairly instantaneously and you won't have the awkward stage where you've decided to split but still need to share a home for a while.

I’d move out until he’s divorced and everything is signed and sealed.
It’s rather selfish of him tone or t you to get involved and outrageous that his ex should want your private data and yoyr money.

It does not necessarily mean that. OP's financial information may not make any difference to the outcome. Without all the figures we don't know. What we do know is that her earnings capability will be taken into account. She may not want to work full-time but, provided she is able to do so, the courts will consider what she would earn if she did work full-time rather than her current part-time earnings.

Oh, and don't forget to cancel the childcare vouchers, I can't remember back that far but I think it will take a while to stop depending on which part of the month you cancel, so the earlier the better.

That is true re the CSA, but a new partner's income is relevant for the financial settlement in divorce.

As he can't stand up to his ex and thinks you also should jump to her tune, I'd seriously tell him to move out, and you'll think about resuming the situation when his divorce is complete( if you want to that is)
He's taking advantage of your kindness and imo he just wants an easy life
My own divorce took 4 years

Walk away from him.

It’s clearly not just her that sees you as a cash machine - he feels that he, and his ex, are entitled to your finances.

He should be the one pointing out that your salary is utterly irrelevant to their divorce. He’s not sticking up for you now so what do you think is going to happen when she decides you should contribute cash every month?

@Needhelp1000

I am staying at my brothers tonight who has kindly offered me his spare room. I’ve told DP I need some thinking time. His response, unfortunately, was non-empathetic and he just said ‘ok, sorry’.

Thank goodness you have a place to stay and get away from the maelstrom caused by your partner and his wife. Are you able to stay with your brother until you are able to complete the purchase on your own home? If so I think that would be a good idea, and I'd suggest you moving out if your very unsupportive partner's place immediately and sever ALL financial ties with him.

I'm sorry he has been so manipulative towards you and can see no future with someone who is keen to accept your help and financial support but simultaneously so willing to throw you under the bus.

Time to irrevocably split (especially as you were having some doubts before this all blew up anyway) and move on with your life. Thank goodness you don't have children with him... 🌹

I read each update with increasing horror about your partner's attitude towards you.

If he wanted a quick divorce, He would have initiated it, 4 years ago.

You deserve a man who will treat you with respect. Asking you to pay his bloody legal fees for his divorce isn't respecting you. Telling you that you must do something that you don't want to do, isn't respecting you. Prioritising his ex over you, isn't respecting you.

You can do better <3

I really don't think that is right.
Because what happens if the 'new couple' split? (They can't be married if one is still going through a divorce.)

How can a maintenance agreement be made on a partnership that has no legal basis? (and which could end at any time- so back to square one.)

Based on what you say, no couple should cohabit until their divorces are through otherwise one of them (or both) could be liable for some maintenance towards the former spouse.

It'll hurt for a while but soon you will realise you're much calmer and happier without him
You deserve so much better

Is this for real because if it is OMG !

If he is an amazing man without a backbone he needs to grow one!

Move out - let him get a divorce, it should not take long as 4 years already split.

See how you feel after ...... you might decide you want to move back in BUT maybe not.

I would not be prepared to share my personal finances in if I was in this situation. It all sounds far far too nosey . Glad you sound like a strong person.

This is correct. After 6 months your income will be taken into account for their financial agreements in the divorce. So you wouldn’t actually give her any of your money, but he will be treated as having reduced living costs due to co-habitation, therefore, she’ll likely be entitled to a higher settlement than if he was living alone.

Finally. This is the correct answer. Many many people in the thread don't know the law and are speaking as if they do.

You deserve better OP. So glad you are with your brother. So glad you are buying your own home.

I can't see anything for you in this valley of the red flags. You will always be a side act - or more accurately a supporting act - to the main event - dh and his not divorced wife and their children.

She can be asked to supply her private finances but I think she can refuse to.

Either way, if she has an ounce of sense she will go back only to collect her things.

They have both made a huge mug of her, funding their children.🙄

Take your fresh start and make the most of it. Best of luck xx