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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Concerned3 · 31/05/2023 21:32

If he's conflict avoidant and she's aggressive, maybe consider might truly believe your declining to provide financials is going to prolong things/ involve more communications between solicitors.

And that may be true - solicitors ( both sides) can & often do find reasons to contact each other about particular points, particularly when info had been requested but not provided. Including when they dont have the right to that info (may or may not be the case here).

If he's had you living with him rent-free (I see you do help with bills) it's unlikely he's trying to take financial advantage of you.

Perhaps rather than deciding to leave him based on financials, step back & look at the bigger picture, how much do you love him & want to stay with him long term?

Your salary & assets would have little to no impact on the settlement/ maintenance awarded by the court, so don't let fear of ex trying to come after your money put you off.

This is a short-term problem in terms of hassle & possibly some solicitors charges for a few letters.

Don't let it determine a long term decision about staying together or not. What do you really (realistically) want?

Good luck

DustyLee123 · 31/05/2023 21:33

I saw a solicitor say on line that, after you have lived together for 6 months, that your wage does become relevant.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 31/05/2023 21:33

So when you say he doesn't like confrontation, you mean just with his ex wife?

Because he's sure as shit isn't adverse to arguing with you.

FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 21:33

fairywhale · 31/05/2023 21:01

For some reason you got involved with a man with three kids, and who is also married, not sure what you were anticipating other than problems. It's probably for the splitting of assets and child maintenance purposes. Unfortunately, you got together with a dick that left three kids. And of course your life will revolve around his kids since he's partnered with you and is their dad.

Or she got together with someone who was repeatedly cheated on and couldn't stay in the relationship any longer. Don't get me wrong, what he is doing is absurd but the dick here is very much the cheating gold digging ex wife

Confused5678 · 31/05/2023 21:34

Please end this relationship op , not worth the drama / hassle .

cherish123 · 31/05/2023 21:35

I am not a legal expert but I don't see how you can be expected to divulge this as, on paper, you gave no connection to this man. He's your boyfriend, not your husband. (At first thought you meant parents by DP!) Tell him a flat no. You need to look after yourself. If they have children 50/50, I don't see why one would owe the other money and assets should be split equally.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2023 21:37

Fuck no

SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2023 21:37

I would be most worried about how he speaks to you. He should be discussing and asking you what you are comfortable with, if anything, and getting whatever extra advice you need, and basically being a partner. Not stropping and threatening you with legal fees.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2023 21:37

febrezeme · 31/05/2023 21:21

From what I'm led to believe....she can actually request this information since what he "needs" to financially support himself is therefore less if he is living with someone else's compared to if he was living alone and it's relevant within the context of divorce and negotiating the settlement

See, I can see the possible rationale of requesting/requiring the household expenses to determine what he will 'need' to support himself based on his 'share' of expenses. If they're living in his house, I can even see them counting what she contributes and either deducting that from the total HH expenses or counting it has 'income' to him. But her actual income should be irrelevant to what he needs to support himself. It's like saying she should make up the 'shortfall'.

I would be long gone!

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 21:38

If he's conflict avoidant

Yet not with his partner who he's expecting to roll over and do as he says. Who he has become aggressive and angry towards, who he has told must pay any legal bills if she doesn't comply with his demands.

I disagree with you, @Concerned3 I think OP must take his terrible behaviour over this into account when deciding on what to do. He has shown himself to be an obnoxious, and at best totally spineless, partner who doesn't have her back in any way.

cherish123 · 31/05/2023 21:38

I'd get out of the relationship. At least you discovered this nonsense early in the relationship.

EmmaEmerald · 31/05/2023 21:38

asilikeit · 31/05/2023 19:02

I might be totally wrong but I think once you have been living with him more than 6 months it would be considered that his living costs are now less as you would be sharing them with him and they can indeed ask for this info.

I'm not a lawyer but I was under this impression too
try posting on Legal Board OP, or get this thread moved to there.

NotMyMill · 31/05/2023 21:38

FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 21:33

Or she got together with someone who was repeatedly cheated on and couldn't stay in the relationship any longer. Don't get me wrong, what he is doing is absurd but the dick here is very much the cheating gold digging ex wife

Show quote history

He has the kids 50/50 and he was cheated on, so not sure if I’d say he left the kids but I do agree it’s incredibly unwise to get together with a married man even if he is separated. It tells you a lot about someone if they can’t even sort the divorce out before moving in with someone.

I wonder if he’s still into his ex in some way because despite her being the cheat it was her who began the divorce proceedings? What reason did he have for hanging on for so long ? it would explain why he’s bending over backwards for her to the detriment of his current relationship.

Itsanotherhreatday · 31/05/2023 21:39

whilst I might be totally wrong but I think once you have been living with him more than 6 months it would be considered that his living costs are now less as you would be sharing them with him and they can indeed ask for this info

this is true - she can also ask about saving and debts from your side
however - so is the fact your are 50/50 with the children so maintenance doesn’t come into it - they’ve already split the property and been separated over 4 years so not sure what she’s hoping to achieve? What’s he hiding?

BishopRock · 31/05/2023 21:40

EmmaEmerald · 31/05/2023 21:38

I'm not a lawyer but I was under this impression too
try posting on Legal Board OP, or get this thread moved to there.

Show quote history

It's already on the legal matters board.

Wherearemymarbles · 31/05/2023 21:43

Its seems from a quick read your financial position can be requested.
but the fact his ex only works 12 hours a week dont go down well with the courts.

Personally I’d be leaving. He sounds really rather pathetic and not very bright.

PatchworkDonkey · 31/05/2023 21:43

He’s not happy and is saying again and again that his ex will fight this and take me to court and I’m going to end up costing myself money and more importantly, him money.

Read this again OP. He's literally told you that he thinks you're less important than he is 😱. He is not a keeper!

Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation

Complete and utter bullshit. He's more than happy confronting you, bullying you, gaslighting you. Not only are you worth less than he is, in his eyes, you're also apparently worth less than she is! He is literally prioritising his ex over you. They're taking you for a mug. I can't believe you're paying for their kids, that's insane.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 31/05/2023 21:45

For someone who is conflict avoidant, he's doing a pretty good job of causing a conflict with you OP.

MissBridgetJones · 31/05/2023 21:45

asilikeit · 31/05/2023 19:02

I might be totally wrong but I think once you have been living with him more than 6 months it would be considered that his living costs are now less as you would be sharing them with him and they can indeed ask for this info.

Absolutely this. Since you and your DP are living together they will take his living arrangements into account with regard to the financial order in his divorce.

It's not really about your earnings, more to do with his financial needs are probably less by living as a couple than if he we're living solo and providing a house for the kids 50/50 split with Ex.

No one says it's fair. You don't have to declare your earnings- but they will take his living situation into account.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 31/05/2023 21:46

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks.

Fucking hell is he okay?? What’s wrong with him

MeridianB · 31/05/2023 21:47

Wow. Just wow.

I have read all your posts, OP and totally agree with everyone saying you should get away from this ridiculous man and his toxic ex as soon as you can.

This is NOT how a good partner behaves. You definitely deserve better.

lionsleepstonight · 31/05/2023 21:47

I'd move out until the FO was agreed and then decide if this was the relationship for me.

Motherofalittledragon · 31/05/2023 21:47

Move out stay with family short term if need be, he really isn't a catch, I can't imagine anything worse than being with someone like that. You need to 🏃‍♀️ fast and don't look back, before he and his ex get their hands on your money.

Dogstar78 · 31/05/2023 21:49

Your income can be taken into account and this will continue until you marry, spousal support is then removed. There are loads of variables, can they manage without taking your income into account, does your income made a significant difference. Child maintenance is always based on the non resident parent earnings. Trying to frustrate the system cod result in a return to court after the financial order. Sounds like hot air from the ex. If she works now there are going to be questions about why she is suddenly cutting hours, childcare costs etc are all part of the calculations. I would proceed with caution or not at all!!!!

GladitooktheHighRoad · 31/05/2023 21:49

A good friend was going through a divorce.
She was on her own with a child. Her ex had a new partner and they were living with each other.
So same scenario as you OP

The new exh partner did have to declare earnings and financials.
It forms part of the assessment to determine how much the ex has to pay in maintenance.
It’s required.

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