Grandparents looking for access

[Isitjustus]

Hi there,

I am not sure if there is anyone out there who has experienced this. Wasn’t sure where else to turn so really hoping someone can offer advice.

we have a turbulent relationship with our in laws. It got worse after our child was born. They never made an effort it was always us doing the chasing. Over the years they have liked to be controlling to my partner and when my partner has decided to do things they didn’t agree with it would all start again. There has been threats and name calling on their part. When we say something they don’t like the abuse starts.

My partner and I decided it would be better for our child if rather than permanently chase our in laws and then have a inconsistent relationship with our child we wouldn’t bother with them anymore.

our child has all the love and support they need and attends a childcare setting too.

Issue is our in laws are now making demands and threatening to take us to court to get access to our child. We have had numerous solicitors letters and they continue to make false allegations about my partner and I.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation where there in laws want to try and get some form of custody?

Thank you if you made it this far :)

I wouldn't discuss this with the ILs. They shouldn't know what you're thinking and your next move and they aren't going to help your case are they? It's in their interest to scare you and have you tiptoeing around them.

I thought that I'd add, some pry made a malicious report of me to Social Services. It was a horrible feeling being investigated but the case was closed very quickly. If your ILs try the same with you cooperate with SS and you'll be fine. SS said that if a second allegation from the same person happened then to go to the police for harassment.

Wait and see what they do. You need to respond ti court orders but you don't have to talk to ILs or their solicitor.

We aren’t speaking to the ILs anymore told them not to contact us. No SS involvement yet although I would not put it past them. Police have already been involved due to messages posted online about me by my partners grandmother it’s all just a control thing and revenge. They didn’t bother with our little one from the beginning. They didn’t even bother to come to see her when she was born in hospital. They went on holiday the day she was born and went home to put their washing on before coming to visit us, this was out of their way. It’s been a 2 year battle and I don’t have energy for it anymore. Just want to be left alone. Luckily my Mum is amazing and offers so much support as well as the rest of my family. We never see or hear from any of my partners family they don’t even ask how our little one is. X

Hahahah a cost order in family court.

The grandparents could wear t-shirts staying “we are mugging you all off” and you wouldn’t get costs. I an not even joking.

Total disgrace how costs work in family court.

Spero is a HIGHLY experienced family court lawyer!

Yes I'm not a professional in this field but I did have a grandparent try to gain access to my child (a grandparent of my ex-husband). They applied to court but did not get permission. They had no relationship with my child since he was 1 and they applied when he was 5. They were horribly abusive and I had stacks of evidence. My solicitor told me the chance of a grandparent in this position getting contact is so minuscule it's not worth worrying about. I responded once via the solicitor, stated the abuse, stated that my son does not wish to have contact and stated that any further contact from them or attempts to talk to me would be reported to the police and we may apply for a non-molestation order.
They didn't get anywhere and my son is now 16 (and still doesn't want to talk to them!)
Listen to Spiro Like you, I spent far too long scared shitless of these people and I wish I hadn't. Your child is YOURS, not theirs xx

Children don’t belong to anyone they are their own humans. A lot of the problems we encounter is because people think they own children. Parents are their to guide and support not to own.

I've known grandparents who were part of safety plans , having loads of contact overnights etc who still had no leg to stand on in terms of courts when there contact was cut (and this was one where the grandparents were genuinely lovely and it was stopped at the detriment of the grandkids ) grandparents have no legal rights to access .

I haven't read the full thread but please do not take "legal advice" from posters such as Steelesauce because they are wrong on the whole but right in that inlaws have no meaningful contact with your child and therefore limited chance in court.

As a grandparent you have to cross a threshold in that you have to effectively apply for permission to apply. Only if you win this application can you make an application to the court.

I made this application, won and made an application where I won a residence order (which they were at the time) and a second application later on for contact which changed to a residence order application at the request of social services.

I did not want this but our circumstances were incredibly difficult and sensitive. On the second occasion, the barrister tried to have our application thrown out and I can tell you what the judge said. This was that if the child had lived with us for a year (which he had) then why was there any possible issue with contact at an early stage.

I think your inlaws have no chance op but the fact they are willing to lie worries me as they could overstate their relationship with your child. Don't feel bullied into instructing a solicitor - many parties self rep because of the prohibitive costs. I personally would just write back saying that your IL's have only had sporadic contact with your child and their behaviour has been cause for concern. Do not agree to any contact, supervised or otherwise. Their solicitors can only act on the information given to them by your ILs. Please do not worry.

Thank you for everyone’s help and advice so far… I have received a response back from the Solicitor and would like to see peoples opinions…
So initially the ILs told the Solicitor that we said they would never see our little one again. They said unless we agreed that they could have her every third Sunday of the month they would go to court.

We responded asked for evidence of their allegations (there is none, we didn’t say it) to stop the solicitors we met up with them once, after this meeting they said they would still pursue it.

We met them a second time ended in an argument when we said we weren’t happy for them to have her alone.

Another Solicitor letter came, they said we were a barrier throughout the second visit (we provided photo evidence to show they were lying again).
They also said that their final proposal was to see her every third Sunday (my partners only day off) from 9am-5pm or they will take us to court, this time they even gave notice of their intention to issue proceedings.

We responded with more evidence and raised our concerns that our little one is now scared after their behaviour (little one has mentioned the fact the ILs were shouting at us numerous times after). We provided photo evidence to show their allegations were false yet again.

We have now received another letter. This time it is completely different the threats have gone. They now propose that they wish to rebuild the relationship and ask that contact sessions continue but only with my partner and my little one.

I have concerns that they will use these sessions to say they have built a meaningful relationship with our little one (they did have chance the 2 years she had been on this earth but didn’t bother until a family argument ensued) then proceed with the Solicitors. I honestly now do not know what to do or how to respond. They are toxic, controlling and game playing. I would rather we didn’t have a relationship again. Do I proceed to court? Or do I agree that they can see her but with my partner, myself and our little one?

Thank you so much again :) x

They have changed tone because their solicitor has correctly told them they’d be laughed out of court. Grey rock is my advice, all solicitors letters from them straight in the bin.

If you say no is that obstructive again??

But point for them is to see their GC.

Why does it matter who else is there?

So they aren't really that interested are they?

I think as you say the concern is that they don't have a meaningful relationship atm.

Why would you help them build one?

After their toxic behaviour (I hope you have kept records of all their behaviours, including the threatening solicitors letters) write back and say you do not think it is in your child's best interest to see the GPs.

You can provide evidence in the letter if you choose, but not chapter and verse, just a few bullet points on how their behaviour is affecting your child and your family.

State clearly this access is refused. Of course if your DH wants to see his parents and your child would be happy then it won't do any harm, but you need to be u tied on your decision.

If you decide to reject this, state in your response you consider these letters from the solicitor and their continued attempts to contact you, harassment and you will contact the police.

I think you are bang on that they will use the contact sessions to use as proof of a meaningful relationship. I would not go down that road at all.

You have my sympathies, we had solicitors letters from my batshit, sexually abusive parents countering about wanting Skype contact which would then escalate to them having my children unsupervised in the school holidays (they live 200 miles away!!)

I find it dodgy AS FUCK when people like this want contact without the parents there. Just proves that it's about 'winning' and going against the parent's parenting decisions. If they'd wanted a relationship with your DD they'd have had one when you gave them a chance to.

Parents are there to protect their children. My parents will go nowhere near my kids because of their sexually abusive behaviour.

I think a lot of the problems we have in society are down to sexually abusive behaviour.

I would not respond further op. You have done your best to facilitate matters but it is not working out is it? And I speak as a grandparent carer. As I said earlier, do not allow regular contact. Supervised contact is always the slippery slope to unsupervised. End it here and do not be afraid to do so.

Update:

Looking for advice again if possible. We again reaponded to our ILs solicitors and said they can see her with both of us present. They refused this and said that they give notice that they will now apply to the court. I have now 2 weeks later got an E-mail from a mediator. It’s £150 each per hour. My partner and I simply cannot afford this. Will it look bad on us if we refuse? Thank you again to everyone.

I thought grandparents needed courts leave to apply ?
surely in these circs it won’t happen?

i’d chance my arm with refusing mediation based on what you’ve offered and the history I don’t think a court wouldn’t entertain anything more and that’s IF they could prove a relationship worth salvaging. Which I don’t see they can

I would refuse. They sound like total nightmares! It sounds like financially they are trying to control you and coerce you into agreement with the threat of expensive mediation. £150 an hour is a tidy sum and lm sure lots of people would struggle to find that

You need to stop responding. Let them make an application to court, let them waste their money. Just stop engaging with them, don't respond to their solicitor and leave them to it. You've got plenty of evidence of their dreadful behaviour.

And actually to add, I would respond to the mediator that you will not be engaging because you have been subjected to years of abuse and manipulation and mediation is not an appropriate tool. Mediators know that mediation is pointless where there has been abuse and given what you've said, the court would not expect you to mediate either.

Thank you all again for your responses. We have said time and time again they can see her but we both have to be there. But they want control over us they want a piece of paper that means that they have control over us and our little one, one day a month. I can’t think of anything worse than meeting up with them, I’ve started to have anxiety issues, struggling at work. I just hope the judge when it comes to it sees through them :(

Why are you responding to anything?

Neither they nor their solicitor can compel you to reply. Just because they say you must it isn’t true.

chuck the letters in the bin

I'd be very surprised if this made it to court.

Hi there,

We have now had confirmation that they matter is to go to Court. Does anyone know what will happen at the initial hearing? I’ve tried to Google and it doesn’t really help. Has anyone had experience of this? Will we have to attend this application hearing?

Thank you again to everyone for your help :)

Confirmation from whom?

Have they made application, is there a hearing booked?