Losing daughter to abusive ex... don't know what to do

[Kusachi]

I made a thread before about ex taking our daughter away and not returning her home until I applied to court... 6 months later the court continues and it's looking really grim.
Ex has been ea and continues to punish me for leaving him. Unfortunately dd has to suffer too now we hardly ever see each other. I really want this to end and return to sanity and peaceful co-parenting, but the only options seem to accept his extremely unfair terms or keep fighting and being devastated and losing faith in humanity every time.
Each report ex somehow manages to paint me in a horrible light and they believe his words. I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me to get legal advice, but since I'm poor and don't live in UK so don't qualify for legal aid or any local schemes. I'm at wits end, somebody please help me with ideas!

This is parental alienation. How old is your child? Who is she living with now? What contact arrangements are in place? And what country are you in?

In Australia, if a GP will write that there's been family violence you can get legal aid...my friend did.

Dd is only 6.. She lives with him since he took her away. Court ordered 3 times a week for a few hours and only in softplay. I have to travel from Netherlands to UK to see her but can't afford to do it often and we miss each other constantly.
I don't think his alienation tactics will work on her, she loves me as she always did and is excited to see me every time. But because the separation is lasting so long I'm starting to fear, what if she will forget what it was like and at some point start believing what he will say.
I'd be eligible to legal aid in UK, I think , but I'm not living there now. I wonder if I should just pay, if only it had any positive effect. I have so little faith left.

Why have you left the UK when your DD is there? How come the court said she could live with her Dad and why did you only get 3 times a week for a few hours instead of say the weekend..?

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GreatBigNoise Did you really just placemark on a sensitive thread??

Did you take her to the Netherlands without his permission and now he's brought her back to the UK supported by a judge?

I don't know what the solution is but I want you to know that you aren't alone in losing all faith in the justice system. The family courts are disastrous at the moment .

If the main issue is the fact that as parents you can't agree which country your child should live in then I'm afraid you do need lawyers involved.

Where was your DD born? Which country is her country of domicile? If you took your DD out of the UK did her father agree? From what you say I suspect that the order saying you can see her three times a week at softplay has been made to ensure you can't remove her from the country again. This is way beyond the collective wisdom of MN, you need decent legal advice.

Who moved countries? Where did DD live before he took her? And yes, you desperately need legal advice.

Oh ffs here starts the witch hunt.

@Kusachi, I'm in the UK. My exh did this to me 2 years ago. He has completely cut me out of dds life. I can't claim legal aid because coercive control (his weapon of choice) is hard to prove.

I can't afford to fight him, and even if I did the consequences for him are so minimal that it's pointless.

I hope you have a better outcome than me.

Have you spoken to a lawyer about legal aid? Just because you aren’t in U.K. doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t get it. If there’s been domestic abuse in the relationship it would definitely be worth exploring.

It's a long story, but basically I was forced to move asap to avoid becoming homeless with my children and stop sinking into debt due to income not nearly covering the bills. This due to being a sole carer of dd's baby sister and only being able to work so much with no childcare/ no resident status so no benefits.
Since ex took dd away, he turned it that he was the one being abused so until they investigate, she stays with him/supported paltry contact for us.
I didn't try and 'abduct' dd, being aware of Hague convention. I was in talks with ex trying to get him to let us go, considering he didn't try and help us stay.

NeverTwerk, I feel completely powerless against it all.
Snows, she was born in the Netherlands, and is Dutch like me, then we moved to UK, stupid stupid decision that costed me my child and years of misery being at the mercy of my ex.
MsJane, we all lived in our family home when he took her.
I know I need legal advice, I've tried all this time to get a lawyer and the ones that agreed to help were taking months to secure Legal Aid so haven't even got to the stage where they could give me advice. By the 10th email requesting another pay slip for legal aid application months after I sent everything, I've given up and decided to instead concentrate on learning to self represent effectively.

Nrpmum, I'm so sorry.
It sound like you know how it feels exactly, the pain is unbelievable.
Do you still have any hope?

Nothing to add but I feel for you, coercive control is so underestimated. There is no lie they won’t tell to get want they want, no matter who it damages.

I think the first thing I'd be doing is moving back to the UK Op.

I have a friend this happened to and people can't seem to believe it really happens to women...but it does and the men who do it are often highly intelligent and generally Narcissists.

OP have you seen this group?
www.facebook.com/PARENTALALIENATIONUKK/

I have no other real advice apart from that you really need a lawyer. 6 months is such a long time and sadly, this could be classed as your dd’s status quo- her normal way of life now and her being returned to you would be seen as very disruptive.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Is this dad the father of your younger child too?

Ladybird, so true.. my integrity and honesty definitely haven't served me. The person who is most ruthless will always win.

Henny, I wish I could. I've only just sorted our life by having secured a house for us (extremely difficult and many years on the waiting list) and income so we don't have to worry about food anymore and can start tackling debts. It was extremely difficult moving from UK and getting to this point and I don't see a way of moving back so quickly. It would take me years.
I have a feeling that's exactly what he wants, for me to stay in UK and to be his babysitter while he still gets to control me and dd as the resident parent.
Thank you for the group suggestion, I'll join now!

I can't see why you returned to the Netherlands without your DD. I KNOW it's hard but the council would have housed you...eventually. Maybe you'd have had to go into temporary housing but at least you'd be on the same system as your DD.

Now it's going to be very hard for you to access the legal support you need and the advice too...because what's on offer in Netherlands won't be the same or compatible with UK.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad...but just pointing out that it will be very hard to fight him from another country.

Clangus, it's exactly what happened. The S7 said that he was the main carer now and moving her would be too much of a disruption (after he kidnapped her from home and didn't allow contact between us for weeks keeping her at his workplace and now in a hostel).
Ex is not the father of younger child, we have broken up years ago.

Henny, I could never fathom it will end up being like this. I would have RAN with my daughters far away, hidden anywhere. I wouldn't have stupidly put him on BC a year ago, because I so desperately tried to stay in the UK and keep the family together. Stupidly believing we were a team but instead digging my own grave.

OP you need legal advice far beyond the realms of what people on MN can offer. Because the responses on here will be emotive and often based on personal feeling/opinion rather than fact, iyswim.

The fact that you and your DD are resident in different countries is going to complicate things legally, especially if you removed her from the UK without her father’s consent.

Afaik you wouldn’t be entitled to legal aid in the UK because you’re A, not resident here and are not a UK national. So you need to seek legal assistance back in the Netherlands.

As an aside, is your other child’s father in the UK also and did he give his consent for you to remove her?

NoCause, thank you. Any responses are helpful, feeling very alone in this. I know I will have to find some lawyer that will be willing to help us. So far many refused/don't know UK law enough.
Dd2's dad is not on BC but he is very happy for us to move.

You really need good legal advice as I understand it you removed your daughter from the UK without the explicit permission of everybody with parental responsibility this is an offence under The Hague convention.
In the eyes of the law he merely returned your daughter to her country of residence the UK.

Once again, I didn't remove her. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that without his permission. International relationships should be banned