Losing daughter to abusive ex... don't know what to do

[Kusachi]

I made a thread before about ex taking our daughter away and not returning her home until I applied to court... 6 months later the court continues and it's looking really grim.
Ex has been ea and continues to punish me for leaving him. Unfortunately dd has to suffer too now we hardly ever see each other. I really want this to end and return to sanity and peaceful co-parenting, but the only options seem to accept his extremely unfair terms or keep fighting and being devastated and losing faith in humanity every time.
Each report ex somehow manages to paint me in a horrible light and they believe his words. I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me to get legal advice, but since I'm poor and don't live in UK so don't qualify for legal aid or any local schemes. I'm at wits end, somebody please help me with ideas!

Can you try to get a UK lawyer? And post in the legal section here too

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/

This is very useful.

But OP...I really think you need to seriously look at going back to the UK. It's what most Mothers would do...I mean...you can't even see your DD the 3 times a week you're meant to at the moment!

Thank you Henny, I think its hard to speak about what most mothers would do in this situation, because their circumstances are all different. I doubt they will let me keep the little one if I live on the street and beg for money.

You have a partner? Is he not working?

Once again, I didn't remove her. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that without his permission. International relationships should be banned so he gave consent for you to take her out of the country and then just appeared and brought her back?

Because if he didn’t explicitly give consent (and you state elsewhere on the thread that he was being difficult) then you did just remove her.

And the comment about international relationships should be banned is ridiculous. No-one else is responsible for the state of play here but the two of you.

He’s removed her to his country of residence which is debatable but you refuse to leave your own country and are therefore accepting that you won’t see her as per the court order.

Honestly you’re doing your own case no favours here what so ever.

@NoCauseRebel The OP was staying in the UK when her Dd’s dad refused to return her. OP moved back to Holland with her other children leaving her DD with her dad (not through choice). Both she and the DD concerned here are Dutch.

Rebel read the thread ffs.

OP, so you and your DD are Dutch? Your child was born in the Netherlands?

It sounds like he knew that you were intending to move away and he took steps to avoid this. A child is entitled to stay in the country they are growing up in.

However you put it, you made the decision to move and yes, you did have the choice to stay in this country, like the millions of single mums who bring their children up on their own, working or not.

However devastating your situation is, it would have been as devastating for him not to see his daughter regularly because you decided to move away. Your needs don't trump his, and courts decide what is best for the children and in most cases, it is to stay in the country they are in.

Amam, yes we are and my dd was born in the Netherlands.
Henny, no partner.
Swingofthings, you sound very opinionated but you have no idea. It was a drastic decision in an extremely difficult situation. And I believe it was absolutely the right decision to end living in a house with my abusive ex and secure a safe place for us. It sucks that things have got so bad that the only plausible option was to go back to my home country asap. My ex has absolutely engineered this.
I tried very hard to discuss the separation with him and ways to move forward but he wouldn't engage at all. Hell, I was even willing to be the parent who has her on holidays, but even that wouldn't satisfy him. It's not just me who is devastated, dd is suffering a lot and is traumatised.
Such bs about child being entitled to continue living in a country - what about a child being entitled to being safe and well cared for and having a bond with both parents and sibling?

Swing no it sounds like he's an entitled nutcase who stole the child.

OP has said he's abusive so yes...her needs DO trump his.

The only scrap of good news for you that I can see in this situation is the fact that your DD was actually born in the Netherlands rather than the UK. Here in Australia they are very protective of children born here if there is an Australian parent so the assumption would be that the child should be returned to Australia for Australian courts to decide. Obviously EU law is different which is why I think you need to talk to a Dutch lawyer about whether an application could be made for your DD's return on the basis that Dutch jurisdiction applies. Is there no domestic violence charity where you are who could advise for free/cheap? I'm not going to post anything else on here as nothing except decent legal advice in your country of residence is going to help you but I wish you the best of luck.

So he removed your DD and then you left the country without her?

On some level I agree with swing you left when you potentially had a choice not to. I absolutely understand that you felt at the time you had no choice, but you did choose to leave without your DD and the courts are not likely to look favourably on that.

Also does your ex have other children? Because this may also go in his favour.

I know for instance of one person who wanted to leave to be with her new DH in another country. She and he did not have children together, but her child’s ex did have children with his new partner, so making them an existing family, iyswim.

At the time she had full residency of the child, but the courts awarded residency to her ex with her having holiday contact only where he could travel to her country of residence. She left to be with her h, and now the son will be living with her ex permanently since the courts considered that she had prioritised her new living arrangements over her child when moving abroad.

I understand that at the time you feel you made the right decision for you, but it’s not the right decision for your DD. Especially as you have waived any contact in favour of living abroad. Given you are only seeing her every few months at best, this contact is unlikely to be increased given her age.

To the courts being settled with the dad is no different to being settled with the mum. And as things currently stand she is settled with her dad.

@Kusachi I don't feel particularly hopeful. He has totally shut me and my family out of dds life. I can't afford solicitors or barristers and I'm not entitled to legal aid, yet he can continue his coercive control.

@Kusachi also for the record I had been resident parent for 5 years when I had to move for work. He agreed she could come with me, but she had to stay with him for 2 weeks whilst the house purchase was going through. In that 2 weeks he put in an emergency prohibitive steps order and child arrangement order. As dd was in his care at that time it was ruled in his favour. The judge did not take into account the fact she'd lived with me for 5 years before.

It's been a couple of years. I have tried to remain in contact but they are 200 miles away and I'm not allowed to drive currently due to poor health. He has blocked my calls. No idea if she gets my letters. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I will probably never see her again.

NRPM Was there any violence in the relationship?

Nrp, this sounds heartbreaking, I really feel for you. How could this have happened to you, it's so unfair. How often does the order says you're allowed to see her? What about video calls? You must be drained by this all and his abuse, but please don't let another bastard win. Even though it may seem like your dd is happy without you, it's not true! She needs her mum more than anything! Don't let him make it look like you've given up on her. Keep writing her letters, very soon she will be old enough to have her own phone or Skype and then old enough to have a voice. In the meantime, is there any possibility for you to move closer to where they are, even if temporary?

Snows, thank you. I'm in UK right now to see my dd, but when I'm back I'll continue calling the sollicitors until I find someone who can help. Also find local dv charity, not just for legal advice, but also support and counselling to record how his abuse is ongoing.
Also according to the Dutch law, he doesn't even have parental responsibility, even despite being on BC.

NoCause, I had to be in Netherlands, because I had to secure a house we've been waiting for so long. At the time I was still very positive, that of course the court will see that I'm doing it for my children, that I am the responsible parent by taking the steps to sort out our life. When I then came back, nearly every contact I had with my dd, ex has been trying to get me in trouble, calling the police and social services, lying to them, it was absolute hell. I started to fear for ss blocking us going back at all and taking dd2 from me, because that's where it was heading, he wouldn't stop at anything. This is why cafcass suggested supervised contact, but then relented to supported contact, after they learned that the police never came and nobody witnessed the abuse he was claiming was happening. I wanted to protect dd1 from the drama and stellar coaching and take a step back. I don't know what would have happened to my mental health if I didn't.

Was he violent Kusachi?

Kusachi I'm not sure how Dutch law works obviously, but you say he doesn't have parental responsibility despite being on the BC. Is he aware of this? And the people dealing with your situation? Because that, I think, is the most important bit of information you've given. As far as I'm aware, and happy to be corrected here, but the UK authorities have to take into account the law of the country of the child's birth. If a child born in the UK was taken abroad by a parent without PR that would be kidnap. The UK authorities would intervene to ensure that child was returned home. Surely the same applies in this situation?

Is dad Dutch?

Mite, I don't know if the judge is aware of this, but maybe it's too late for that to matter anymore. I've only just found out, but I don't know if he knew.
Clangus, the dad is British.
Henny, he was and he admitted to hitting me and causing injury. He says it was the only occasion (obviously because we had a witness) and everyone keeps glossing over it and still believe his story of him being the protective father and a victim of abuse by me.

Okay I’ve read this thread & your previous thread & I’m confused with the timeline.

OP is this accurate:

1. You & your ex split up years ago but continued to live in the same house together.

1. You put your name down for housing in the Netherlands in the hope of returning at some point as the waiting list can take years.

1. Whilst living with your ex, you got pregnant & had a baby with another man which meant you could no longer work due to childcare. You were also ineligible for benefits therefore you had no money coming in & were getting into debt.

1. Your housing in the Netherlands came through so you were negotiating with your ex about moving DD there permanently.

1. You planned to go back to the Netherlands on holiday & your ex originally agreed to let you take DD.

1. On the last day with his DD - before your holiday to the Netherlands - your ex got spooked that you might stay in the Netherlands permanently & not bring your DD back so he took DD & moved in with his parents & then a homeless shelter, leaving you & new baby in the house you had all shared.

1. You went to court & they ordered your DD stay with your ex in the homeless shelter & for you to get supervised visitation until the next court date.

1. You moved to the Netherlands permanently anyway due to your financial situation & are currently waiting to go back to court.

Is that correct?

NoCause, I had to be in Netherlands, because I had to secure a house we've been waiting for so long
This is the part that I don't understand. You were living in the UK. You wanted to leave your OH. You started to talk about separation and you moving to the Netherlands. He wasn't agreeing to his dd moving there.

Why did you have to secure a house in the Netherlands? You could have gone to your local council and be housed in the UK.

What do you mean by 'we'd been waiting for so long' who is we? Had you been planning to move back for a long time when you were still with your ex?

It does come across as if you were indeed planning on kidnapping your dd and only when you realised that you could get in trouble doing so, did you seek his authorisation. If that's not the case, then you need to explain better why you had no choice but to move to the Netherlands rather than finding another property in the UK so that your ex could still your dd regularly if she'd moved with you.