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Original poster

Ex is taking me to court. Help.

99 replies

yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:38

I left my ex a little while back. We have one DC who is very little (not on solids yet) and I fled to a different city as ex was emotionally abusive. I've been given a heads up by my exes mum that he's got a solicitor appointment next week. His mum can't stand him and his ex has also contacted me to see if he abused me in the same way he abused her (it's almost scripted). I had no idea he treated her like this.

He of course won't tell his solicitor about the emotional abuse he's put me through. He doesn't know that I've been referred to MARAC, and that I have a women's aid worker assigned to work with me for 3 months or more. He will spin his solicitor a web of lies.

I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I did everything for that man. I raised his son on my own for 3 months with no help from him, looked after his daughter, financially contributed even with SMP looming, was kind to him, guided him, did everything for him. I was a fool and am now very scared of his reactions.

I have seen a solicitor but can't afford any more appointments until I get my first SMP payment in 2 months, as I will get legal aid then. I'm scared I will end up having to represent myself until then and losing etc. I'm scared he is going to convince the court/judge that I'm lying. That he's mr charming who has never hurt me emotionally.

Can anyone explain the court process to me and what is likely to happen?

For context I've had advice from numerous agencies not to be in a room with him until a court orders it due to his abuse. This is what he wants to take me to court over.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/04/2019 16:53

He’s a joker Grin
What a lot of bull he wants.

over50andfab · 01/04/2019 16:54

OP, the best bit of advice I can give you is don’t believe a word he says. Even better, do something to restrict any contact with him as much as possible. Examples of this can be only via a friend, family member or professional person who can screen out all the twatty stuff. Or block him on all media except, say for one email address which you can set up for this purpose. Then only log in to this address say once a day. There’s nothing worse that waiting for the next abusive incoming.

He cannot take your baby away from you. You don’t say if you are married and how long for unless I missed that. He will also have to pay maintenance

YouWinAgain · 01/04/2019 16:59

I've been to court taken by my Ex-husband, he wanted residency/custody of our DD.

Firstly it takes around 8 weeks for a hearing to be given to you from the courts, and they would expect him to seek advice from a mediator first so you've got about 12 weeks if he does all this straight away.

Legal Aid can be applied for up to 14 days after the initial hearing, and most Solicitors will give you "pro bono" until the Legal Aid is applied for and approved. It took me 3 attempts to get Legal Aid as they kept rejecting my evidence but I haven't paid anything at all.

My ExH was violent towards me and our DD. He wanted full residency/custody with no visitation for me. He was told by the judge he had no chance. He then tried to get 50/50 which I proved was not in my DDs best interests as what he wanted would have meant her Nursery Days changing weekly and her spending long periods of time away from me, her primary carer.

He was eventually awarded 3 hours a week on a Thursday and 24 hours every other weekend but my DD is almost 4 so able to cope. And most of the time he doesn't stick to that, can often go a fortnight without seeing her.

It will be ok.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/04/2019 17:01

Actually ending up in court may be a good thing - the judge will see through him (especially if his DM and ex support you) and he’ll get the amount of contact he deserves.

Is he paying maintenance?

Chocolateisfab · 01/04/2019 17:07

I would suggest getting any court documents from his ex. My friend prevented her exh getting any sort of access with her dc after a court cross referenced his previous case with theirs.
You need to write bullet points in clear text for a solicitor. Suggest appropriate witnesses you may have. His dm /ex /police records /wa etc.
Give details to a solicitor who can decide if suitable to your case.
Keep factual, focus on giving facts and not sheer hatred opinions - even though you are justified. Courts want facts.

over50andfab · 01/04/2019 17:51

Also keep in mind that the welfare and best interests of the child is paramount, whether it be for custody or finances. It trumps everything. So for example if you are bf and do not normally express, you will not suddenly be expected to just so your DS can go with his dad.

I agree that court would actually be a good thing. They don’t just agree with who has the most money or shouts loudest. They go with what is fair and reasonable and what is best for the child.

So if he mentions court, just say bring it on 😀 and don’t let him know you’re scared

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/04/2019 18:02

@yellowonesie you aren't pathetic at all! You've been worn down by a bully and that can happen to any of us.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 20:33

Not paying maintenance but I haven't asked. He is funny with finances. I'm so exhausted by it all. Can't wait to actually have a night of sleep again. I get an hour at a time. Thank you everyone. This thread has been incredibly useful.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 20:35

@over50andfab we were only together under 3 years and weren't married.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 20:36

@CosISaid definitely. I'm looking in to it at the moment. I would love this!

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 20:38

@Lovemusic33 definitely not the case. My case has gone to MARAC. I was told by SS that if I offered him access now before they have discussed my case, and before court, then SS could see me to be putting my child at risk. I agree entirely with @Badtasteflump

OP posts:
Hullabalooo · 01/04/2019 20:51

In court tomorrow. Wish me luck!

over50andfab · 01/04/2019 22:14

OP, well that’s good because at least you will not have a divorce to endure.
Perhaps stay in contact with his ex and learn what you can?

Fallingirl · 02/04/2019 00:31

Op, getonto Child Maintenance Service asap. They will tell your ex to provide proofs of income, and calculate how much he is to pay you. You don’t need to negotiate maintenance withhim at all.

Also, I understand completely about feeling physically sick at any contact from him. I have no contact at all with him now, as he does not have my phone numbers and is blocked on all social media. He has been told that any letters to me have to go via my sister, and any letters sent directly to me will be sent on unread.

Could you arrange something similar?

Ella1980 · 02/04/2019 00:38

Although a different situation re the breastfeeding...my son was still bf when he was three and my ex was awarded 50:50. They didn't take it into account at all. Nor the fact that he had been emotionally and financially abusive throughout our marriage.

Ella1980 · 02/04/2019 00:41

The courts categorically did NOT look at child's best interests in my case. They just went 50:50. The suffering as a result has been awful.
Hopefully things have changed since 2014 now that coercive control is supposed to be recognised.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 02/04/2019 07:46

Not standing up for you ex Ella but in your situation I can see how it wasnt deemed necessary that a 3 year old was breast fed. It's lovely to breast feed for that long but not important in the same sense that an infant is continued on breast milk. It's the emotional and financial abuse that's awful. If people abuse animals they have those animals taken away and can never keep animals again. If people abuse people though that's apparently ok :(

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 02/04/2019 09:14

@yellowonesie Oh I agree. But as his primary carer it was horrific to lose him for half of the time. Ex still is horribly cruel to me and the kids but nothing I can do about it.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 02/04/2019 09:27

It must be gutting. I can't even imagine it Sad

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 02/04/2019 09:38

It is. I still have very dark days. Counselling helps and my fiance is very, very patient with me! Still angry about living in a damp rented two-bed five years on while he remains in the five-bed executive family home but at least I l'm not scared all of the time any more.

I hope apparent changes to the law are now better protecting people like me. However, the abuse still goes on and he still gets away with it so I'm not so sure it has.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 02/04/2019 09:43

Have you considered a non molestation order? I looked in to it yesterday and am definitely pursuing it! Sending unmumsnetty hugsThanks

OP posts:
YouWinAgain · 02/04/2019 09:44

Ella1980 I am so sorry you lost your 3 year old 50% of the time, my experience of the courts is very different. While they encouraged a relationship between DD and her dad they insisted that I remain resident parent, and that she see me every day. I'm not saying it was perfect, compromises where made and sometimes I wonder if seeing so little of her dad is in her best interests, but I felt listened too and happy with the overall outcome.

Hullabalooo · 02/04/2019 17:18

I was in court today and cafcass ordered a section 7 report. Any tips on what to do next?

Original poster
yellowonesie · 02/04/2019 17:24

I don't know what that is. How are you feeling today? Hope it wasn't too awful Thanks

OP posts:
YouWinAgain · 02/04/2019 17:29

Hullabalooo We had a section 7 written, what do you want to know?