Ex is taking me to court. Help.

[yellowonesie]

I left my ex a little while back. We have one DC who is very little (not on solids yet) and I fled to a different city as ex was emotionally abusive. I've been given a heads up by my exes mum that he's got a solicitor appointment next week. His mum can't stand him and his ex has also contacted me to see if he abused me in the same way he abused her (it's almost scripted). I had no idea he treated her like this.

He of course won't tell his solicitor about the emotional abuse he's put me through. He doesn't know that I've been referred to MARAC, and that I have a women's aid worker assigned to work with me for 3 months or more. He will spin his solicitor a web of lies.

I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I did everything for that man. I raised his son on my own for 3 months with no help from him, looked after his daughter, financially contributed even with SMP looming, was kind to him, guided him, did everything for him. I was a fool and am now very scared of his reactions.

I have seen a solicitor but can't afford any more appointments until I get my first SMP payment in 2 months, as I will get legal aid then. I'm scared I will end up having to represent myself until then and losing etc. I'm scared he is going to convince the court/judge that I'm lying. That he's mr charming who has never hurt me emotionally.

Can anyone explain the court process to me and what is likely to happen?

For context I've had advice from numerous agencies not to be in a room with him until a court orders it due to his abuse. This is what he wants to take me to court over.

Don't let him get to you. It could take months if it did go to court and you don't want to make yourself ill over him.

I am a good person. I'm a very good person. I've never had an enemy in my life. He just hates me. He has since I got pregnant. I don't know what to do. Thanks for the advice so far.

I'm already ill. I have PND, PNA and stress. Hence why I'm not responding o ANYTHING from him. It's too much.

The most likely outcome is that the judge will support contact so don't have too high hopes that you'll never have him in your or your baby's life. Him being emotional abusive will not impact on it unless you can evidence violence and that your baby will be at risk in contact with him.

The judge will however most likely expect him to make most efforts to promote contact. It will start with supervised contact, most likely where you live. He will have to make the effort to show up, on time, each time, even if it means travelling over 2 hours to spend 15 minutes with the baby asleep. He will have to show complete commitment to this for many months before he can hope for unsupervised few hours leading to more time.

Most nrp don't commit to this regime but if he does, it would show that he really cares and maybe can make a good dad to your baby even if he is a crap partner.

Try not to panic. One step at a time. Wait and see if he is actually taking court action. It is possible he is calling your bluff.

As previous poster said, courts dont go very quickly.
Nothing will be sent to you for weeks yet and even then you can delay a few weeks with reasons like cant make the date suggested. You cant delay indefinitely of course.
Plus he cannot demand he visits and you have to stay in the same house or room or wherever. Judges have seen this kind of control before, are wise to it and usually dont let it happen.
After all that, will he really go through with it or is he just trying to scare you?

I don't know a lot about court processes, but from talking to friends who have gone through it, the courts aren't automatically going to offer him so much access. yes, the base assumption is that it's better for all if the child sees the father but... has h been trying to see the child since you ran or is it just a case of going straight to the solicitor? Because that will work in your favour - if he hasn't even attempted to engage directly with you and get access, the court will take a dim view of that (their preference is to only get involved when the parties can't sort it themselves). Ditto, has he paid anything towards baby's upkeep since you left? Have you asked? If you have and he's refused, that also won't look good for him. If he hasn't paid anything in any case, I assume that won't go too well for him (although I believe they take the issue of paying maintenance and building a relationship separately).

I also don't know how signs of abuse would help, but I'd be noting down all the reasons you left and collecting any evidence you have. Mostly so that he can't accuse you of trying to "steal" the baby.

Good luck. Remember, the courts want whats best for the baby and while they don't always get it right, the sense I get is that they're not unreasonable a lot of the time.

The thing is if it got to court he’d very likely get contact so you need to prepare for that

If you can’t be in the same room can someone facilitate, family? Friend?

Keep a note of what is offered, make sure it’s ‘reasonable’ offer mediation . You don’t need to give in to unrealistic demands but be prepared fir contact to be awarded - better you can try to agree that.

Have you spoken to the National Centre for Domestic Violence? www.ncdv.org.uk.

I had to take my exH to court. He broke the terms of our court order, but financially.

The court process isn't instant.

Firstly your exes solicitor will write to you, to ask you to arrange contact for your ex, he will suggest xyz times and days, you can either respond directly to the solicitor or instruct your own solicitor to do so, and you'll suggest abc days and times. They'll be several letters back and forth between both parties where you 'try' to negotiate something fair and agreeable. If you can't agree on something, your ex solicitor will say that he is referring the matter to the family court for a ruling. The forms will be sent off by your exes solicitor, and the fees will be paid to lodge the hearing (£500+), you will then be informed of the date your case will be heard.

Generally speaking, Family Division of the Court is very busy, and it will be a minimum of six weeks, but more likely 12 weeks before you are in court.

Your exes solicitor may suggest mediation, first. You and your solicitor are in one room, your ex will be in another room with his solicitor and the two solicitors meet in a third room to hash out a deal, coming back to you both individually to ask for your opinion. It is expensive and timely, I was quoted £120 per hour each 6/7 years ago. It can work out cheaper to do mediation than go to court, but you may need several hours/sessions to reach an agreement.

The rule of thumb for a breast fed baby is they are not to be away from mum for hours at a time. It is unreasonable for you and ex to be in the same place at the same time.

Do you have any evidence of his abuse towards you? Police reports/crime numbers. You are getting support from other agencies, they can write recommendations on your behalf. Ie ex can see child from 1200-1400 every Saturday at x contact Centre....

Good luck 🤞🏻

I'm fully expecting him to have some access. I'm just finding the whole process daunting and scary. It's also the idea of every weekend. That's another way of him having control as I will never be able to go away. I visit my parents every other weekend. That would have to stop and I'm just going to become even more isolated. I'm so scared about the whole process. Knowing him he is going to enjoy it.

@Queenie8 I haven't but I've spoken to WA?

I haven't got much proof but I've kept a diary and I have a few weeks worth of abusive messages. I also have messages from his ex explaining the abuse towards her and also his mum. Though I'm weary about getting them involved, so will ask for that to stay confidential..

I have refused mediation (as did his ex) on advice as it can facilitate further abuse. Solicitors apparently don't tend to be involved in mediation..

Yellow

First things first, this could take months to get to an actual court date - if at all. So take a deep breath. Can he afford legal costs anyway?

I am no legal expert but have personal experience. He will not be granted 50/50 or anything like with a small baby still being b/fed. The most he would probably start with would be a couple of hours a week or fortnight, with you close by, but not with him. You cannot be forced to see him and interact with him. There are Contact Centres specifically for facilitating contact when parents cannot arrange it between themselves for various reasons, including domestic abuse. In that case it would be arranged that you take your baby to the contact centre, wait in another room, then when he arrives he would have your baby handed over to him by a Contact Centre worker for the agreed length of time. To start with he would probably have to stay in the Contact centre for that time (they usually have a room set out like a nursery etc). If the baby needed feeding, a worker would bring your baby back to you - your ex cannot dictate how you can feed your baby as much as he may want to continue to control you..... At the end your baby would be handed back to you by a worker. He would leave and then you would - or the other way round - it can all be specified in the court order.

BUT to have this much control over the contact, you will need to be strong, persistent and not give in to any pressure from barristers/solicitors to just ‘get on with it’. It helps if you have evidence of past abuse (police contact, Women’s Aid contact, abusive texts, letters, etc) to show why your child needs the process to move very slowly for their safety as well as yours.

I know it’s scary, and you may well be made to feel (by some aspects of the Court process) that you’re being a PITA, but stick to your guns and only agree to contact you are comfortable with.

yellow contact NCDV they will have good advice for you.

A's with regards to access, every other weekend is standard for lots of people. The judge/solicitors will take into consideration that your dc has relationships with the extended family and may not grant every week at the detriment of an already established arrangement.

X-posted with you OP. You are correct to refuse mediation - it cannot work with an abuser.

Keep records of everything from now on - start keeping a diary for this purpose too.

I know a tiny bit about the court process but it may have changed. Taking someone to court takes time but I think he can apply for an emergency court order to get some contact? (I may be wrong). You will probably have to go to mediation before it gets to court, you will probably be advised to allow him some contact whilst your waiting for court, if you are shown to be refusing all contact this could go against you, contact could just be a couple hours a week supervised contact (if you feel your child’s at risk or too young to be away from you).

I know you don’t want him to have contact due to the emotional abuse but court will look at wether he’s a risk to the child, if he has contact with his other children/child then this could be proof that he’s capable of having contact with your child.

Chances are court will give him access every other weekend once the child is old enough, that seems to be pretty standard, if he wants more he could take it back to court but chances are he won’t get very far (child is young and you live quite far from him).

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Legal Matters topic at the OP's request.

Sending good wishes, OP.

Love sorry but I disagree with some of your post - in cases of domestic abuse the general advice is that no contact is ‘offered’ by the mother (or resident parent). It is up to the non-resident parent to apply for contact and demonstrate that the child will be safe in their care.

And years back, mediation was the standard starting point, but thank god, it is generally agreed now that abusers use mediation as further opportunity to abuse and control their ex.

Could you just have contact with him via email only? That way you wouldn't be upset by the text messages (block his number) and you will have proof of any abuse.

And one further point, not offering contact cannot be used against you if you have genuine concerns for your or your child’s safety.

In your position, I would start looking for a solicitor. MARAC may have a list of solicitors who accept legal aid and have experience in DA. Some offer an initial consultation for free (before everyone jumps on to say they don't, mine did!). Choose who you want to go forward with and explain the situation. They will probably be able to stall things while you get to the place of being eligible for LA.

You probably will have to face him at court. They have separate entrances etc in theory, but it really depends where you are and what facilities they have.

Is there anyone that you could trust to make the baby available to your ex for short periods? As contact will be ordered, it would show in your favour if you provided supervised contact. Not by you, of course, but if someone you trust could do that, it might be worth considering.

You do not have to accept mediation - the courts have a box you can tick to say that there was DA and they then understand that mediation isn't possible.

Keep all the abusive messages. They will inform how contact is established moving forward. For example, having a third party to facilitate handovers so that you do not have to have contact with him. It will not mean that he doesn't have contact with his child, but it might protect you from further abuse.

I know nothing about the court process here, but can you get some sort of non molestation order in place now? Not sure if it's too late, but it might be something you could ask the WA worker about?

Lots of people seem to have given very good advice here so I just wanted to wish you luck.

You are fighting for whats right for you baby. Stay strong.