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Legal matters

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Original poster

Ex is taking me to court. Help.

99 replies

yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:38

I left my ex a little while back. We have one DC who is very little (not on solids yet) and I fled to a different city as ex was emotionally abusive. I've been given a heads up by my exes mum that he's got a solicitor appointment next week. His mum can't stand him and his ex has also contacted me to see if he abused me in the same way he abused her (it's almost scripted). I had no idea he treated her like this.

He of course won't tell his solicitor about the emotional abuse he's put me through. He doesn't know that I've been referred to MARAC, and that I have a women's aid worker assigned to work with me for 3 months or more. He will spin his solicitor a web of lies.

I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I did everything for that man. I raised his son on my own for 3 months with no help from him, looked after his daughter, financially contributed even with SMP looming, was kind to him, guided him, did everything for him. I was a fool and am now very scared of his reactions.

I have seen a solicitor but can't afford any more appointments until I get my first SMP payment in 2 months, as I will get legal aid then. I'm scared I will end up having to represent myself until then and losing etc. I'm scared he is going to convince the court/judge that I'm lying. That he's mr charming who has never hurt me emotionally.

Can anyone explain the court process to me and what is likely to happen?

For context I've had advice from numerous agencies not to be in a room with him until a court orders it due to his abuse. This is what he wants to take me to court over.

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 02/04/2019 17:45

I absolutely beg anyone who gets their cafcass report to sit with a trusted friend and go through it. Highlight anything that is an absolute lie. And present it back to your legal team. You are allowed to question the contents. My exh was brought to
his knees on the final day, after my fault finding showed the report to be all lies exh had persuaded cafcass were the truth. Senior cafcass officer admitted his 4 year report was based on information gained from exh not from his own 'research /findings'.
Do not be bullied mners.

YouWinAgain · 02/04/2019 17:47

Chocolateisfab I had a social worker write my Section 7 but she literally wrote down word for word what he'd said, and as he contradicted himself a lot then tried to blame for the violence all my Solicitor had to say in court was he couldn't be trusted due to the contradictions.

My SW was grinning at that.

Badtasteflump · 02/04/2019 18:06

100% agree - be very careful and don't lower your guard with the SW. In my experience it seemed she was prepared to believe whatever bull my ex told her and write it down as 'evidence of his parenting skills. This from somebody who had assaulted me, my child and police officers - and had been diagnosed with a potentially dangerous personality disorder. But he looked tearful and talked about how much he loved his kids so that was ok . When I read the report I was so upset I went back to see the SW and broke down in tears, I was so scared he was going to be given free rein to carry out his (multiple) threats to me & DC. Only then did she seem to take me seriously and basically re-wrote the report, recommending supervised contact at a pace I could cope with. Tbh it was joke. I really hope things have changed since then. All I can advise is be strong, don't drop your guard and don't give anything you're not 100% comfortable with.

RedHelenB · 02/04/2019 21:08

How is he with his other children? Some men can be awful partners but ok parents. Courts aren't looking to reward or punish,but to do what is in the Child's best interest.

Hullabalooo · 03/04/2019 03:29

I just don't know what happens with s7. Do they interview my young dc at school? How do they see through PR campaign of ex when they do home visit.

Had rubbish experiences with cafcass now on two occasions. Yesterday was really unhelpful and taking things out of context which benefit EA ex.

YouWinAgain · 03/04/2019 08:27

They interviewed by 3 year old at Nursery but it was just basic questions "who do you live with?" "Do you like where you live?" stuff like that.

Ella1980 · 03/04/2019 09:22

I felt very let down by Cafcass. The lady I had an initial telephone conversation with was brilliant and seemed to understand ex's abuse but the lady who I saw for interview was successfully manipulated by my ex.

aweedropofsancerre · 03/04/2019 09:40

I have been through the court process. The court are interested in the child. You need to ensure you focus on your DC and not yourself. The abuse you suffered may be the reason for the split but if your ex isn’t abusive to their DC then the court would support them seeing them. They take a dim view on woman trying to stop fathers seeing DC due to abuse they suffered as some relationships are toxic. However DC relationship can be positive. My dad abused my DM but he loved us and we got on with him. She hated him and would have happily stopped us seeing him due to this. My ex on the other hand was an ass as despite our relationship being abusive I encouraged a relationship with my DS. However he couldn’t manage that without escalating in his behaviour which took place in front of my DS. So by the time I stopped him seeing my DS I had a trail of evidence and he got no contact and no parental responsibility. You have to play it smart, remove what he did to you out of the equation and focus on your DC only.

Original poster

yellowonesie · 03/04/2019 09:51

@aweedropofsancerre I understand that entirely but I can't remove myself 100%. He doesn't cope very well with our son. He's admitted himself that 'he couldn't do what I do as he'd get too stressed and angry' - referring to our son crying. His daughter (8) does not like going there. I'm not sure if her mum knows but I've seen him lose his temper in front of her numerous times. Aka something minor hasn't gone his way and he's started punching things, shouting, swearing etc. He's called her mum a slut and a bitch in front of her. He's hard on her and if she so much as spills a glass of water she goes stiff as a board and braces herself for the telling off/angry Dad. I don't want that for my son. My son is also breast fed and hasn't ever spent more than 20 minutes on his own with his dad, even though we lived together for 4 months. The one time I did leave them (it was essential as I was having my stitches looked at) he lost the plot and forced me to come home. He made threats that he was going to feed our son cows milk in a bottle to shut him up if I didn't come back immediately. He also thought it was ok to leave a 2 month old to cry it out and didn't let me pick him up because he 'needed to learn' and was 'trying to manipulate us'. He's not a nice person. His daughter confided in me that she's terrified of him. It's one of the reasons it took me so long to leave as I felt guilty and like she would have to be on her own with him. She used to come to me for help.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowonesie · 03/04/2019 09:51

@RedHelenB see my previous post I think it'll answer your question.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowonesie · 03/04/2019 09:52

@RedHelenB name change fail 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowonesie · 03/04/2019 10:01

He's also displayed racist behaviours, and questioned me when I put down my son as 'mixed race' on a form. He wanted me to tick 'caucasian' - our son is mixed race. He's quarter black and I am half. This is important because a) it is medically relevant and b) he should be proud of his heritage from both sides of his family. There are lots of behaviours he had displayed that I am concerned about re our son.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowonesie · 03/04/2019 10:03

And then there are all the threats to tell our son what a horrific mother I am and to turn him against me... I could go on...

OP posts:

Ella1980 · 03/04/2019 10:16

I disagree. If a man is abusive to his wife/partner chances are this will be seen towards his kids. My ex is a controller and now he can't control me as much he has turned his controlling behaviours towards my eldest. He also tries his hardest re parental alienation and doing whatever he can to encourage the boys to not want to live we me. Examples include saying things like "You never know, mum's fiance could be a paedo" and "You have to share a bedroom at your mum's because she hasn't got a good job like me" etc...

RedHelenB · 03/04/2019 11:09

Thing is parents don't have to be perfect and courts will only think no contact is best in a minority of cases. I'm just being realistic.

As you are breastfeeding short and frequent Would be best but as a child gets older the time will increase, going to overnight.

Original poster

yellowonesie · 03/04/2019 11:22

I didn't ever say no contact did I? He wants to see him 3/4 times in the week and every weekend and it's not possible.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 03/04/2019 17:20

Personally I'd agree it. If he's a rubbish dad it will drop off naturally and if he's a good dad then all's well.and good. Take the wind out if his sails .

Badtasteflump · 03/04/2019 21:06

OP if you ex's behaviour has caused you to have concerns about your baby being left with him, you do not have to agree to anything. You didn't ask him to be an abusive arse - but now he's left you feeling that you can't trust him, and that's his fault, not yours. Wait until he takes you to court, then only agree to a level of contact you feel keeps you and your baby safe. I know how hard and scary it can feel but we're behind you and you can do this

Original poster

yellowonesie · 04/04/2019 11:01

With all due respect RedHelen, that would mean sitting in a room many times a week with my ex who is so abusive my case is being heard at MARAC, against the advice from a solicitor, social services and women's aid, with no safeguarding in place. I'm not doing that.

OP posts:

Ella1980 · 04/04/2019 14:56

Unfortunately it is not the case that a mother "agrees", it is what the court decides. I never would have agreed to my abusive ex having 50:50 shared care of my then 3 and 6 yo but here we are five years on.

Wallywobbles · 04/04/2019 15:07

@Badtasteflump want op wants really won't come into it. You have to play this smart and go for the very long game. You must absolutely record everything, always be building for the next time in court. It took us 11 years in total. And 5 times in court. He has now lost parental responsibility.

Please say to the CAFCASS person that you are concerned that she has been taken in by your ex. Or something similar.

Badtasteflump · 04/04/2019 15:51

Wally and Ella I know where you’re coming from but IME I was listened to (eventually) by refusing to agree with what my ex, his solicitor, and the judge, to some extent, were pushing for. There was lots of huffing and suggestions of me acting obstructively, but my refusal to agree his terms, over and over throughout numerous hearings, was what stopped an abusive dangerous man being able to drive off with my baby unsupervised.

Frouby · 04/04/2019 16:09

He sounds an utter cunt OP.

If it helps my ex used court as a way to control me, and was forever threatening to take me back if I didn't comply with his ridiculous requests.

I told cafcas and my own solicitor he was abusive and that I wouldn't be present for handovers, and when I moved I got my solicitor to sort out him not having my address.

At court I had my solicitor present and they kept ex in a different waiting area.

With regards to contact it was arranged so my mum could do handovers. Or ex collected from nursery.

The second time he took me to court, for the hearing I told my solicitor I wasn't attending as it was only in court because ex was using it as a way to get to me and my solicitor read out a statement to that effect. The judge agreed and warned ex that if he brought it back to court for something ridiculous again he would challange his legal aid certificate (back when it was possible to get legal aid for contact if your income was low) and he would be liable for costs.

RedHelenB · 05/04/2019 10:16

Yellowonesie said she wasn't opposing contact, hence my post.

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