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Original poster

Ex is taking me to court. Help.

99 replies

yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:38

I left my ex a little while back. We have one DC who is very little (not on solids yet) and I fled to a different city as ex was emotionally abusive. I've been given a heads up by my exes mum that he's got a solicitor appointment next week. His mum can't stand him and his ex has also contacted me to see if he abused me in the same way he abused her (it's almost scripted). I had no idea he treated her like this.

He of course won't tell his solicitor about the emotional abuse he's put me through. He doesn't know that I've been referred to MARAC, and that I have a women's aid worker assigned to work with me for 3 months or more. He will spin his solicitor a web of lies.

I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I did everything for that man. I raised his son on my own for 3 months with no help from him, looked after his daughter, financially contributed even with SMP looming, was kind to him, guided him, did everything for him. I was a fool and am now very scared of his reactions.

I have seen a solicitor but can't afford any more appointments until I get my first SMP payment in 2 months, as I will get legal aid then. I'm scared I will end up having to represent myself until then and losing etc. I'm scared he is going to convince the court/judge that I'm lying. That he's mr charming who has never hurt me emotionally.

Can anyone explain the court process to me and what is likely to happen?

For context I've had advice from numerous agencies not to be in a room with him until a court orders it due to his abuse. This is what he wants to take me to court over.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:42

Sorry I should've posted this in legal not AIBU. Been reading AIBU for entertainment this afternoon
!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/04/2019 15:44

Have you heard from his solicitor yet?

It could all be lies to scare you. Or he may have thought better of it having spoken to the solicitor.

Could you be panicking prematurely?

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:45

@GabriellaMontez he's a control freak and he told someone this in private. His mum messaged me to give me a heads up. Fairly sure he's taking me to court as he's threatened it. He took his ex to court for the same reason. I'm panicking! Prematurely? Possibly...

OP posts:
cookingonwine · 01/04/2019 15:47

Sorry but your post has holes in it...? You say you have had a baby very little ... but haven't got your SMA?

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:49

@cookingonwine I get full pay for 6 months where I work. After 6 months I drop down to SMP for 3 months. My pay currently puts me just over the threshold for legal aid due to domestic abuse (it's still means tested). Once I get a pay check with my SMP payment on it I will be under the threshold and can apply for legal aid.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/04/2019 15:50

Nobody can really advise until you know what he is requesting in terms of contact. Presumably he will ask for 50:50 as a starting point and you will negotiate backwards to something more realistic for a small baby who lives a distance away.

Wait and see what he asks for and then see your solicitor. Btw some solicitors allow you to pay in a payment plan so you don’t need the money upfront.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:51

I was just hoping someone could advise on the process, as I've never been to court. I'm really scared of having to see him.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/04/2019 15:52

And no, don’t be in a room with him at all. A court will not order that you have to be.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:53

I live 1 hour 10 mins away from him and he works 7-5:30 Monday - Friday so not sure how it'll work...

Good to know the court won't make me be in a room with him. It makes me feel ill thinking about it.

OP posts:
LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 01/04/2019 15:54

I can't really advise but I do know that no court in the land will grant 50/50 for a small baby.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 15:57

He wants to see him 4/5 times a week for 3-4 hours at a time and for me to be there so I can feed him. He said if I won't be in a room with him I need to express as I'm selfish if I don't. Then told me I need to move house as I can't live an hour away. He's trying to bully me and he's convinced me the courts will award him what he wants.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/04/2019 16:00

OP what he's asking for is unrealistic, he sounds like an asshole and is trying to bully you.

You don't have to be in a room with him, especially because he's abused you.

You also don't need to move house and you can live an hour away. You could live an awful lot further away than an hour, so he's talking rubbish.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 16:00

I don't think he would cope with 50/50. He found it hard even when he didn't have to do anything. I asked him for help once and he said 'no that's what mat leave is for'

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 16:02

@WhenISnappedAndFarted I am completely pathetic and I know that. I just don't ever want to see him again. I want to cry thinking about it. He is such a bully. Even his mum text me saying that he's twisted and hopefully the court will see that. That's without me prompting her. I don't engage in bitchiness as I'm so scared it'll get back to him.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 01/04/2019 16:02

Courts generally do not work that quickly. Just because he got a solicitor to write to you, you don't actually have to respond right away. And even if he instructed his solicitor to take you to court, you tend to have some time to fill out forms and submit your response. Often you can even ask for extra time. I reckon that you will have time till you can apply for legal aid. There are also usually various legal centres and places to get free advice in the interim, till you actually need legal presentation. So far, you haven't even received anything yet.

Acis · 01/04/2019 16:03

If you have no income and have been the subject of domestic violence, you should be able to get legal aid now. I suggest you double check.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 16:04

Thanks @Grumpelstilskin - that's very informative and has calmed me a little. I'm a very anxious person and go in to panic mode. Even seeing a text from him makes me feel sick enough to nearly vomit. He's a horrid, horrid person.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 01/04/2019 16:05

I'd ask MNHQ if they can move this thread to Legal for you? Report the thread yourself and they can do that.

Definitely speak with your WA advisor about keeping you feeling calm and safe until any court date, that's important for you and your baby.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 16:06

@Acis I have full pay for another month and then the month after I drop down to SMP. I'm taking home my full wage atm. It's not huge and I don't have much to spend as I'm now a newly single mum with no money as my ex never contributed so I couldn't save. Everything I earn now I need to save and be very frugal with. I'm just over the threshold so it's not like I'm earning a fortune.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 01/04/2019 16:06

What contact arrangements have you offered him ?

Rainbowshine · 01/04/2019 16:07

Keep his mum’s texts as that could be helpful. Try not to panic. Could women’s aid or citizens advice be a good source of information and support in the meantime?

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 16:09

@millymollymoomoo initially I was doing what he wanted. It was too much so I told him he could come in the week after work and I would travel to him on weekends. He went mad, he's destroyed all my things from the house, made threats to me saying it will end badly for me, told me my son will 'know the truth about me when he's older and will hate me for it', changed the locks on our jointly owned house, told me I was a pathetic excuse for a mother on Mother's Day etc, so as you can imagine I am not offering him any contact at the moment. I'm supported by SS, WA, HV in that decision.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 01/04/2019 16:09

I just wonder if its all untrue. Engineered knowing it will get back to you. Because as you say he's not a nice guy.

Original poster
yellowonesie · 01/04/2019 16:10

@GabriellaMontez you could be right but I don't think he's that smart. I was never allowed to talk to his mum as they don't talk. She only got in touch with me after we split.

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 01/04/2019 16:10

Make sure you keep all correspondence relating to him/from his as proof.

If his own mum is willing to speak out to give you the heads up, and she thinks he's "twisted" then he won't get very far demanding all sorts in front of a judge!

It must be so stressful for you, especially with a tiny baby Flowers good luck with it all OP and don't let him bully you anymore, you and baby deserve to be happy

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