my world has fallen apart

[Emz8369]

I had to call the police last night and report my dad as my daughter told her aunty that he has been abusing her, i just feel so lost right now and don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

oh bless you, it must bring up so much stuff for you. Are you ok on your own or would you rather someone with you. Have a good cry for all the things you've lost and then try and think he has enough of your life and can you choose not to let him have any more? I don't know if you have a counsellor? do you have anyone you can offload to?

Jesus. Emz - if you ever want to either chat via PM or actually talk, please PLEASE feel free to PM me your number ok? And I'm pretty certain most of the other MN'ers here would say the same so just PM ANYONE you feel may be able to help you ok?

NAPAC is an organisation for adult survivors of childhood abuse, maybe you might feel up to googling them?

Sx

NAPAC -0800 085 3330

I dont know cjel i have to try though, im sick of crying tbh thats all i have done but
Will probably have a good cry if am on my own tonight, i don't have a counsellor but am thinking about trying to get one.

Thankyou Stoic i will look up NAPAC, thanks a lot everyone for your help and support in this very difficult time

Like the others have said, you are doing everything right. Let the tears flow and don't try to stifle your feelings in front of your dd. It's ok to let her see you cry, it's ok to fall apart every now and then because she'll know that it's also ok for her to do the same. So long as you then get up, brush yourself down and carry on.

Do talk to someone about your own experiences. This is a chance for you to turn your own life around too. You and your dd can make a fresh new start. You might never be the same people as you once were, but you can reinvent yourselves to be stronger, tougher and braver.

I don't know if you have a pet or how you feel about pets but sometimes animals can play a huge role in healing emotional distress in children so that could be something to think about? A distraction for you both could be welcome?

I know you will keep fighting and pushing for what is right for your dd. Never take no for an answer. With you on her side, your dd can rise above this and put it all behind her. You are her guiding force now, her source of strength, her confidant; just make sure you have support of your own.

Lovely post, TheRhubarb. And good luck, OP. Keep posting as long as it helps you to do so.

Thanks Therhubarb i have been trying to control my emotions in front of her but its not working, i am looking into getting a counsellor for myself.

I do have pets, i have two cats and find they are really good to have around in times of stress.
I will definitely keep fighting for my daughter and i will definitely seek out support for myself.

Thankyou Eldritch

TheRhubarb Combo of your post, it's wisdom and compassion, my concern for Emz & her lovely DD, and horrible horrible memories I have right now have me in tears.

Emz - this IS shit, but you MUST see from Rhubarb that you are not alone and you have help and support ok? I agree with her re letting tears flow. It's something I simply can't do and I know that has been and is hugely damaging. So whilst appreciate may sound like the most insane 'advice' ever; truely, if you CAN cry and cry and cry then do. As by a mile that is the healthiest and most healing option. And if you need a 'go-to' person, then Rhubarb would have my vote Sx

Just realised that could read madly. What I meant was, if you ARE able to, then please weep and weep until the cows come home. As in, not the few that force their way out like mine just did, and then just get shut down.

I hope that makes sense.

Yes it does make sense Stoic and thankyou x

Thanks Stoic but as I often say, it's easier looking from the outside in. I can afford to give detached advice - we all can. Not so sure I'd be quite so helpful had I actually experienced this type of abuse myself. With me it was more emotional abuse from my stepfather and mother.

But yes, anytime you want to contact me just feel free to PM me. I have a dd who is 12 and so my heart truly does go out to you. I severed all contact with half of my family so that my children wouldn't suffer the same emotional abuse I did. And yes, it's easy to think that your own children would ok with these people because you do think that they only did that to YOU, because of something you did, because you were incapable of being loved, because you deserved it, etc. That's how the spiral of abuse is allowed to continue, because they have completely eroded your own sense of judgement and your own self worth.

That's why you also need counselling so that you can protect yourself and your dd in the future. And believe me, you DO deserve love and protection just as much as your daughter does. You can both heal each other and you will come through this and out the other end. Things might seem dire now, but as each day passes it brings you closer to your new life, closer to that new change.

Perhaps at the end of it all you can put your skills to good use and train to be a counsellor yourself? Part of your healing could be to help others come through it and out the other side - what better example could you be to those who think that this signals the end of everything?

You can carve a better, brighter future for yourself and your dd in spite of your father. And you will be her role model. You have so much to look forward to. Give her a hug from me and feel a virtual hug coming your way

therhubarb i will definitely be severing all contact with my dad and anyone else on his side of the family should they choose to disbeleive what has happened if/when he so chooses to tell them because im not going to tell them as i dont think it should be my job to do.

I also think counselling may be beneficial to me as i seem to have a mental block when it comes to details of what actually happened to me.

I don't whether i would be capable of being a counsellor as hearing horrible details about things would probably be too much for me.

I will pass on a hug to my daughter from you, thanks again.

Emz, i have no advice to give, but just wanted to send love and hugs to you and your daughter. I am so sorry for all you are going through x

I'm so sorry that this horrendous thing happened to you, your sister and now your dd...but if everybody knew he was like that, why was he allowed to be near your dd ?

Thanks Greydog

Hey Leverette i am so sorry to hear that your family didnt help you when you needed it most, thankyou, i dont really consider myself fantastic im just doing what any mother should do for their child

Lost OP said up thread that when her mother tried to do something about the abuse she was pressured into taking the abuser back into the family and continuing to raise the DCs with him in the home because of the attitudes of that time.

That will have given a message that he wasn't a danger.

The fact that OP's daughter was also abused by him is down to his manipulation of the family dynamics and the attitude of society to divorce when the OP was a child.

It took my mother 40 year's to leave my violent father because she didn't want to be seen to break the family up, just because of other people's attitudes. Now, when a parent speaks up and says that a relative has abused their child they are less likely to be told to keep it quiet, don't wash their dirty linen in public, and carry on as normal.

Thanks AdoraBell i was going to reply to that post but chose not to as my reply wouldnt have been nice given how i feel at the moment, i stupidly thought spending time on my own would help but have done nothing but cry since i arrived home at 6 pm

Emz you don't need to reply, you are doing the right things.

Maybe you need the release of crying, it really is a very healthy reaction despite the fact that it feels crap. and hugs.

Yeah i know AdoraBell i think you may be right about me needing the release, it does feel like crap. Thanks x

I have found that crying can be a good thing!

You are reacting to a situation that it terrible and your body needs a release. Infact I would probably be screaming by now if I was going through what you are.

You have done the right thing time and time again, sweetheart and that takes guts galore. YOu have taken a stand for your daughter and let her now that what ever life may through at her, however bad she feels you her mum will protect her, stand in front of her and stand up to anyone to protect her. That is a fanstastic wonderful thing.

There is just one thing that I want to say, I don´t know if it has been said up screen but remember you are feeling so many different emotions at this time that pretty much anything goes to help you process them, cry, scream, hit a pillow (if you can do this on your own it may be better for your DD) lose the plot if you need to. Remember you are not only going through hell becuase of what has happened to DD; but because of what has happened to your self, and whilst I hate to type this you may in some way feel slightly responisble for what has happend to DD. THE ONLY PERSON RESPONISBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU; YOUR SISTER AND YOUR DD IS YOUR DAD, PLEASE DONT FORGET THAT, none of you (you, your sister, dd) have done anything wrong or to desever this to happen to you, you are an amazing mum and your DD is lucky to have you.

Also remember that your mind may have blanked a lot of what was done to you as a coping mechanism, the termoil you are now in may mean that your mind block is starting to fail, may be not in terms of actual things that happened but in terms of the emotions you felt. Please do considering asking for counciling, also remember that no matter what the time of day or night there are people that will listen both here publically on the forum by private pm and on the phone.

YOu are doing so well, your strenght and courage are fanastic. Please have a hug from me for you and your wonderful brave dd

Thankyou so much inneedofrain