Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Legal matters

my world has fallen apart

260 replies

Emz8369 · 08/05/2013 19:15

I had to call the police last night and report my dad as my daughter told her aunty that he has been abusing her, i just feel so lost right now and don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

OP posts:

Report

Emz8369 · 09/05/2013 16:51

No it didnt cjel the police and a social worker have just been to talk to my 6 year old daughter and 6 year old nephew and have said they have no concerns that he has ever done anything to them

OP posts:

Emz8369 · 09/05/2013 16:56

Oh im prpared NotAQueef, it happened to me when i was 5 and i have been told that the furthest it went as to prosecuting him was cps and after it didnt go any further social services pushed my mam to go back to my dad as back then they thought it was better for kids to have two parents rather than one

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 09/05/2013 20:53

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through as a young child. I know what you mean about older attitudes towards these things, thank God people have realised how wrong those attitudes where.

I would extend the same offer as the pp re a weekend house sit but I'm halfway round the globe.

Emz8369 · 09/05/2013 21:45

Thanks AdoraBell i now have another problem on my hands she doesnt want togo to school tomorrow as she said she doesnt feel safe, im worried that sending her might be too much but im also worried that keeping her off might make her think she can only cope at home and then she wont want to go back on monday

OP posts:

StoicButStressed · 09/05/2013 21:54

Emz I too would extend that offer for weekend (or however long actually) away but I am in SE England so nowhere near Durham.

Cjel I think (tho accept could be wrong) Xenia's questions were likely basically 'forensically lawyer' based (for want of a better phrase). It may be that prior abuse - even if ignored at time - will help secure both these children's safety as well as justice being able to occur. Xenia - please correct me if mistaken?

I just send you the hugest hugs Emz - you are dealing with a situation way beyond most people's comprehension

Emz8369 · 09/05/2013 21:56

Thankyou StoicButStressed

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 10/05/2013 01:04

Tell the school that she feels unsafe and try not to push her too much to go to school. I know she needs to but right now all of this raw. She will be able to move on in time but she's probably scared of every man she sees. Please do push for counseling for both of you, kick up as fuss with whoever is handling this at the school or ask your GP for help.

clairecooper · 10/05/2013 07:14

I've been through a similar situation (but it was my step daughters step father). As a mother you will find strength that you never knew you had before, but seek as much help as you can. You've got a long, tough journey ahead of you but I promise that you will come out of this ok. I really hope you and your DD get the support you need.

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 07:16

AdoraBell im going to go in today and speak to her teacher and explain how sheis feeling

OP posts:

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 07:26

Thanks clairecooper

OP posts:

StoicButStressed · 10/05/2013 07:51

Emz I think you are doing the right thing in trying to support her into school today as you are right in that school refusal (& with that losing her structure, her friends/playing etc) could exacerbate by her NOT going in. Would though caution you as Adora did above vis trying not to 'push' her in, but ache for you & her and am so angry on your behalf that you are now in this rock/hard place situation.

I would also (but appreciate these are very personal choices) start by asking for an urgent meeting with the Head. I don't want to go into the reasons here, but do know the value of that in terms of both ensuring the school is wholly aware of how your daughter is feeling and what she has been through as all schools do have clear policies to help children in that situation, and also to simaltaneously ensure she has the privacy she needs as the Head will ensure the teacher is ACUTELY aware of all aspects of policy/safe-guarding your daughter pastorally. It may also be that the head will discuss with you who your daughter sees best at school as the person she 'trusts', and that your daughter then has clear simple knowledge that if she feels unsafe, or needs to talk to someone, than that is her 'go-to' person if those feeling arise (& knows that person will 'be there' for her')

Sorry, I'm not sure if I've written the above very well as writing in haste as have to leave for school shortly but wanted to quickly get this to you before school (for obvious reasons) but I hope it's ok/makes sense

(((hugs to both of you)))

cjel · 10/05/2013 08:28

Hello stoic - good to see you again! I've lost BJs thread. My querying of xenia was that I thought it was intrusive question that we didn't need to know?
Morning OP how are you today? did dd go to school?

StoicButStressed · 10/05/2013 08:59

Hey Cjel - I figured that was why you were querying it but whilst aware Xenia's posts can sometimes be a bit clipped, my genuine belief is that IS down to the fact she is a lawyer and re her post here, I simply cannot imagine she was asking for no reason (hence wanting OP to know that, as can imagine they might not have been questions she wanted to see either but am pretty sure Xenia would only have been asking them for the best of intentions) Will pm you BJ link x

Emz Still thinking of all of you and hope today goes as well as it can for you all regardless of what choices made re DD school/no school

Xenia · 10/05/2013 09:12

I'm very sympathetic. The fact he did it to the mother and now has done it to her daughter is sadly very very common. I suppose all us need in future to ensure that anyone who has abused us in the past is never let near our children again or not when that person would otherwise be alone with that person. Did Emz think her father had given up his inclination for little girls so was happy to let him be around her daughter?

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 09:21

Hi AdoraBell and StoicButStressed i have spoke to the school and explained the situation this morning and they allowed her the day off, but we did explain that she really does need to be back in school on monday for her tests

OP posts:

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 09:24

Morning cjel im feeling a little better today as i managed to eat someting yesterday and have a little sleep, daughter didnt go to school today, the school have ok'ed it and said she needs alittle time out

OP posts:

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 09:26

Yeah xenia sadly i thought he had changed

OP posts:

nilbyname · 10/05/2013 09:55

Sadly emz you have been the victim of a very clever, manipulative abuser, who not only abused you and your sister but somehow escaped proper prosecution at the time and further colluded with your mum.

This is not your fault.

How's your DD today?

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 09:59

Hi nilbyname forgive me for being dense but what do you mean by colluded with my mum?

My daughter isnt doing too good today as i think the shock is starting to sink in so have kept her off school

OP posts:

nilbyname · 10/05/2013 10:06

So sorry deluded your mum! Not colluded, bloody hell I always get those words muddled up.

Have a DVD duvet day.

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 10:19

It's ok nilbyname i am taking her to see her grandma

OP posts:

THERhubarb · 10/05/2013 10:56

Emz, please keep pushing for counselling as it's vital that she is seen asap. Encourage her to talk and be there for her. It might help if she knew that you had been through the same thing. Talk to her about what happened to you and why you felt he had changed. She needs to know that it was nothing she did, that it was all him. She also needs to know that you will never allow him near her again and that although he is quite obviously a paedo, not all men are like that. Make sure that she has some trusted male contacts such as an uncle that she can spend some time being around so that she can slowly learn to trust again.

She might ask lots of awkward questions such as why she was left alone with him, etc and you need to answer these as honestly as you can, even acknowledging that mistakes were made. Don't think she is too young to understand your feelings or the complex emotions involved, she's been forced to mature in the most horrendous way so please don't hold anything back from her now.

You must be living a nightmare and I'm sure you have a whole heap of guilt yourself, but these people are so good at manipulating us. You may have thought he was only interested in abusing you, or that you were somehow to blame and you also need counselling to deal with that. Remember that he and only he is responsible for his actions. He would have devised circumstances that led to him being alone with your daughter, he would have used threats, he would have abused his position of power and he would have used emotional blackmail, such is the pervertedness of these people and the hold he obviously had over you all.

I hope your mother is standing by you all and has thrown him out.

Your dd needs to know that your family is standing by her and that none of you blame her at all. Keep things normal for her, establish a routine as that will allow her to claw back a little control if she knows exactly what is going to happen every single day.

The school will have a parent liaison officer so ask to speak to them and every child is entitled to around 6 hours of counselling support provided by the school. It's a start so ask about that too, it might fill in the gap before she can be counselled by a specialist.

You need to be phoning social services every day asking what support can be put in place for both your dd and you. You need to ask the Police to talk to your dd and explain what happens from here and to reassure her that he will never be allowed near her again. She needs to know that she is safe in school.

Does she have a best friend that you can invite round? Do that if you can as she might feel better talking to someone her own age and just larking about. Above all, hold her tight, tell her that you love her and that you'll always be there for her. Do that every single day.

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 11:16

THERhubarb i am pushing for her to see a counsellor i asked to police woman and social worker yesterday and asked the school today, she knows about what happened to both me and my sister and she also know that i will never let him anywhere near her. She hasn't asked any questions yet but if she does i will answer them to the best of my ability.

My mother is standing by us all, she left my dad about 15 years ago.

We already have a routine in place so no day should be different for her apart from today as she has a day off school

Thanks for the info about the liasion officer i will definitely be asking the school about that.

I will be going into the school this afternoon with my daughter to disclose exactly what has happened and who has done it as my daughter has asked me to do this so the school know he is not allowed near her.

Yeah she has a best friend she stayed at her house on tuesday as my dad had been bailed and i was worried he might come to the house,

OP posts:

cjel · 10/05/2013 12:41

Still doing brilliantly emz, glad you got food - my stomach always goes when i have stress and its true you can't manage so well if you don't eat. Hope you have a lovely time at grandmas, she is so brave wanting everyone to know so they can help, you must be a great mum that she can do all this. agree if shes not thinking straight then forcing school today wouldn't be helpful, she probably wants to control what happens to her at the moment. thinking of you all as you go to school later.xx

Emz8369 · 10/05/2013 13:25

Im not doing brilliant right now cjel i have left daughter at grandmas to have a sleepover tonight and my sister is having my younger daughter so i can have time to myself, i am back to where i started atm can't stop crying again

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.