How Untidy Do You Have To Be?

[HowMessy]

Not sure if this is the right place, hopefully there will be someone who sees who can answer this. How untidy does a house have to be for an other wise loving and good parent to have child protection proceedings?

My mum has just reported me to social services for being too untidy. She is happy to state I'm a good mum, I am caring, I give my children lots of opportunities etc but she thinks I'm too untidy.

In the last 6 months I have had visits from different professionals (not for child protection) at least once a month and none have expressed concern, in fact when she put the complaint in I was still under a family support team and the case closed (they were looking to see if they could find a way to help me with school runs as one of my children has mobility problems as do I). The social worker asked the worker about it and she said she had no concerns, Mum's response (she had this call whilst I was with her) was "I'd like to see what her house looks like then!" well she may need to look at the houses of 7 different people who have visited me in that case!

I admit I'm not the tidiest person, but I don't think it's that bad (certainly in a previous relationship and whilst I was childless it was a lot worse and has got steadily better since I had children) it's not so bad that we can't vac 2-3 times a week (as I said, I have mobility issues and pulling a vac around isn't easy for me or it'd get done more often) there's nothing about that's dangerous to the children.

Mum is a child protection social worker and it feels like she's asking her friends to tell me to tidy my room (she did that when I was a teenager!) my previous HV said that she kept trying to get her to make a referral about me but she had told her that it wasn't that bad (it was worse than it is now when she last came here) she told me that Mum isn't taking her work hat off and whilst she might make an issue of a house that looks like mine she can't see that it would be as part of something else and that on it's own she (HV) wouldn't refer it.

I have a social worker making a visit on Monday which will be the first time we've met him. Half of me is convinced he'll say that it's nothing to worry about but I'm also worried because I'm not sure Mum will let them drop it so easily.

I don't have money for taxis and it'd take more than one taxi. I'm talking to the SW because he's running some sort of assessment right now and told me to leave them there! Not through any official means but what if going against him is going to make something worse? What if he does go for an order of some sort to make me give them back? What if nothing else I put his back up for doing the opposite to what he said and make this drag on? She's made so many threats and used so much jargon that I don't know what she would do either.

I told DC to talk to Nanny because it won't be believed coming from me, apparently they love being there and don't want to come home, apparently they refuse to come and see me. It's just my word if I say that DC said they want to come home.

It doesn't need to take more than one taxi to get your DC and a small bag of clothes each.

And it doesn't matter who believes you,you know your DD asked to come home,I couldn't ignore that.

Could you arrange a free half hour consultation with a family law solicitor to try to find out where you stand? Tell them the facts, and maybe take along a list of your most important questions. You don't have to tell the social worker or your mother, and you should get a clearer idea of where you stand.

HowMessy - is there something else going on here that you do know about? has your mother threatened to have your DC off you before? And why on earth is your DH allowing this to happen as well?

I'm very that she has seemingly got away with this, it's ridiculous!

the SW has told you to leave your DCs at thieir Grans? (your Mums)

You need to see a lawyer asap, it sounds as though steps are being taking to remove them from you officially. This is extreely serious.

Why do the DCs think they live at both homes? That must be quite confusing for them. They need stability.

You need to stop being passive, tell your SW that you are taking the children home. Drop the ones that go to school to school and pick up their things then pick them up from school.

How do you think the child that told you she wants to be at home feels when you've just told her 'tell nanny' and you've not acted on what she said. I really don't understand why you are allowing this

This is bolleaux really, isn't it.

I think it is very clear that SS don't think you can cope without your parents input. Sorry to be blunt. Lots of families I know have a lot of involvement with their grandchildren in this way (through choice not on SS say so) & maybe this support IS a good thing in your situation. Be honest with yourself - could you manage the house and your children without the support of your parents?

I was thinking that too, Eleanor. :(

I really don't understand why you haven't got them back now. Can your DP/H not drive? can he not get the DC and their clothes back from your Mums house?

You say you come across as passive but your Mum has had your DC for at least the 11 days this thread has been going. It is too long. I would be depserate to get my DC back and would do anything to do that.

Saying you have been too busy to phone the SW to find out what is going on is incredulous. It would be the first thing I would do. Stuff everything else.

Really can't get my head around this tbh.

I'm going to go with Eleanors "or " scenario. I cannot get my head round why you keep making excuses to not bring your children home. I suspect your mum has reasonable concerns tbh.

If it were me, everything else would stop until I had my dc back with me. I'd never be "too run off my feet". I agree with eleanor.

OP do you actually want your DC to come home?

Because there is nothing to stop you and the excuses you have given are pretty weak.

Do you perhaps think it's the best thing that your DC stay with your parents at the moment?

Blame exactly. That would take priority over everything else. The OP is talking the talk about how much she wants her DCs back, but she is not actually doing anything constructive about it.

Feel like my head is going to explode with my inability to understand this behaviour

You call the taxi company and say you need a people carrier. I've done it several times when a group of us have gone for a meal. They take about 8 people with ease.

If you don't get a lawyer soon you will lose your children to your mother. The passivity about getting them back is not going to go down well. Please, please go and see a decent family specialist asap. If my mother took my kid I would be apoplectic. There would be police involvement if I had my way, and if that got me nowhere (SS involvement) I would want an emergency hearing before a judge to have my residency as his mother confirmed and my mother ordered to return them. After which she would need her own court order to have any but indirect contact with him, ever again. Yet you are doing nothing? Do you want to lose them - or do you think it might be a more manageable arrangement to share residence? I honestly can't fathom this.

More to this one than meets the eye.

OP you really, really need decent legal advice. You are probably entitled to public funding (legal aid), as the threshold is I believe an income of around 19k and I think (?) there may be allowances for dependants, but either way, you need to talk to someone, even if just a one-off appointment. Whether there are legitimate concerns or not, your position is a worrying one. You need representation IMO, and fast. If you don't feel capable of calling SS and finding out what the hell is happening then get a solicitor who will.

you still havent got them back?

ok, having workd many years for ss, i can tell you that your house is fine, trust me i have seen many houses and yours is fine.
Get a taxi, tell your mum that all clothes need to be bagged up and go and get your kids.
Your mum sounds awful and has no right to keep your kids, but by you leaving them there you are suggesting to her and the SW that your happy with that arrangement. I wouldnt be surprised if they turn up with a section 20 agreement for them to live with your mum if you dont get your arse in gear.

GO AND GET YOUR KIDS!!!

I genuinely dont understand why your kids are not at your house .. You sound like you aren't even bothered by it, bizarre.

My children are home. I don't think I'm going to come back to this thread, I don't have the energy to deal with everything I've said being called dishonest even after I've proven I'm not. I asked one question, I've proven to you despite not needing to that I wasn't lying in my OP nor am I blind and I proved myself to the SW. I even proved that I'm not in denial about how often I play World of Warcraft (by the way, I've lost my dongle so not played in over a week although I may be in denial and not realising it's in my pocket and I'm logging in more than I realise) having to embarrass myself by revealing details I would rather not have to a friend.

That's brilliant, HowMessy. I am so, so glad for you and them.

I think people have just been concerned, because if you'd not got them home she might establish a status quo. Good luck with everything and I hope your mother backs off and stops steamrollering you - have you mentioned to SS that that is undermining your parenting? Perhaps they can help in some way.

All the best.