A devastated dad - need advice

[DevDad]

Hey all, I have been doing some research and reading online and I thought I would post my background to see if anyone can offer some advice or guidance as well as the articles I have read. Here goes...

I am a serving soldier with a dedicated army house (rental) which I lived in with my wife, daughter (17 months) and dog.

My wife recently had her 12 week scan for our second baby and then declared that week that she hated me and wanted to leave. She phoned her family, they picked her and my daughter up that night (May 22) and they have not returned since. A few quick facts.

Assets

*Wife has not worked in over 2 years including 6 months unemployment benefit
*I am the sole earner (32K annum)
*No savings
*No property
*1 vehicle on HP in my name 50% paid but DVLA registered to her

I contacted her the morning after she left and she confirmed via email that she had legal counsel via legal aid and her family had given her the cash deposit for a new house in their vicinity.

We argued, many horrible words exchanged until I agreed she could take the majority of the furniture from the house.

Possessions

I had to go away for 9 days on a charity trek (raising money for the hospital that operated on my daughter) and in that time she returned to the house and took everything of value however she told the Army she had moved out 3 weeks previous to her return with family members and a van. She told me that her solicitor instructed her it was fine as the possessions were 100% hers and 100% mine so first come first served.

I have returned to an empty shell of a home which requires cleaning and repairing in order to be of a standard suitable for the Army to take it back.

When prompted for communication she tells me constantly to "go through her lawyer" about even the most trivial items.

Children

I used a CSA calculator on the website and offered her the amount they suggested which she has accepted via private arrangement (bank transfer) and I have paid the first month however she has threatened to go to the CSA if it is not paid before the 2nd of every month. I asked for the address where my daughter is staying which she has refused to give. I informed her that I would pay CSA in full but only in cheque (as is my right per the CSA website) sent to her home. She has written back that she will forego the money and go to the CSA direct.

2 weeks ago I was in the area where she stays and asked to see my daughter at 6pm to which she replied it was too disruptive to her routine and refused to allow me to see her.

I told her that seeing her father was more important that "in the night garden" but she persisted and has now claimed that 2 solicitors and a social worker have confirmed that she was right to deny access and I should only see our child at the mandated times she has stipulated in the divorce papers which I have not received yet.

Filing for divorce

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

I don't drink, smoke, adulterate or subject her to any violence and I have a sterling military record including a special security clearance with very deep background checks. I think she may claim unreasonable behaviour however I am not sure on what grounds. I have already told her I am making her wait the full five years.

I have neglected her for the PC quite a bit when immersed in my own projects.

My questions are thus -

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a git to the married couple or soley to her?

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

I am quite devastated at the turn of events and have emailed her some nasty remarks. She admitted that she stayed with me until she was pregnant again purely so that she did not have 2 children by different fathers and left me pretty much on the day that the second child was confirmed as healthy.

I have no real premises with which to visit or see my daughter and have been reduced to jungle jims for an afternoon.

:-(

In March 2012 (not that far away) I return to Afghanistan for 6 months so will pretty much not meet the newborn at all and I am certain (having known her) that by the time I return at Christmas 2012 that she will have someone else living there and parenting my daughter.

At this stage I feel like walking away from everything including my little girl and just letting them get on with their lives.

Any and all advice appreciated, even criticism.

DevDad - may I just ask (and I do have a jealous face on) how on earth are you managing to study two degrees at the same time?? And as I am nosey, what degrees are they?

DevDad - I have been thinking a lot about your situation over the past few days. I know I came across as being harsh, and I have apologised and will do so again.

I wonder if part of the issue is that, like a lot of men in the forces, you are very driven and focussed and that perhaps your wife isn't just as driven as you are? Also, I have a friend who is an RSM and meeting with him recently I was struck by how much he ordered people about - he's a lovely bloke and I'm sure he doesn't mean it but he's so used to barking orders that it comes across like that. Perhaps maybe that's what happening in your situation (don't know your rank or anything) but if you're used to a situation where you are giving and receiving orders maybe your wife (like me) is sensitive to it?

Also, have you considered that between a full time full-on job and studying for 2 degrees, maybe you didn't have any time left for your relationship with your wife?

This isn't meant to sound harsh btw honestly

Oh and Fellatio - I know of a family where everything was left to the daughter, mother and father were both ill and died within a year of each other, but the son was in the middle of a messy divorce and if he had been left the half of his parents estate she would have been able to put a claim on it. His sister has now given him his half btw.

Mature - they are BSc Computer Science and BA Politics and Economics.

Megoran - there is prob a lot of truth in what you are saying ref making time for family and relationship. Me and the ex are speaking again and that was precisely her line. We have sorted a good custody arrangement and she has finally volunteered her address.

So fingers crossed everything is going well. Spent 3 days with my daughter this week. Splitting up has actually made me be a more caring and attentive father.

You never know what you have until it is gone I suppose.

I am a pretty unforgiving person in regards to lack of focus/ambition. I just don't understand why anyone does not want to expand their horizons personally and/or professionally.

So you are quite correct in a lot of what you have written.

I have had time to reflect on myself as a husband and dad, and although I provided money and security, I wasn't providing any emotional or romantic support. I guess it's a lesson learned.

So, having learned all of that and understood it, do you think there will be any chance of a reconciliation? counselling maybe?

DevDad, I think you should spend your time being a great dad and I wanted to wish you luck for the future.

Hi devdad. So pleased that you managed to out the hurt and anger to one side and you're getting to see your dd. Hope things continue to improve for you all.

As expected the STB-EX has reneged on her written custody agreement and is now withholding my daughter and forcing me to go to court.

She has also informed me that under no circumstances will I be involved in the naming of the unborn child.

Has anyone been through the courts for access rights?

DevDad - oh no. I am so so sorry to hear that

No experience I am afraid but I firmly believe she's doing the wrong thing in withholding any access to your daughter.

DevDad- I too am sorry to hear this. You sound like a good Dad. She sounds like a cow.
I hope you can resist inflaming the situation but still stand firm over your right as a father

Hi Devda, whatever you do remain calm, don't give her the satisfaction or amunition, keep a diary of everything and keep at it for your daughters sake, let her know how much you love her so she knows that none of this is your fault.

I speak as someone who still at the age of 40 feels abandoned by her father and it has affected other re;ationships.

Hi DevDad,

Hope this helps.

The first thing to do is to obtain and complete a C100 from the HM Court and Tribunal Service website. In reference to option i.e. Defined Contact Order, you would be best speaking to the Courts and explaining your idea's on when you would like to see your child(ren).

Once this is completed you will need 4 copies. One is to be sent to her Solicitor, one to CAFCASS and the other 2 to the Courts, one will be returned to you stamped and signed, the other retained by the Courts. You will need to pay £200 for this.

From this, you will have to attend an interim hearing, usually 6weeks after tha application. Throughout this time your ex, will most likely refuse contact, just because you are now going through the courts for contact.

Before your case you will be contacted by CAFCASS who will assess any welfare or safeguarding concerns re your child(ren).

I would advise that at the at the interim meeting you explain what the circumstances were previously. The outcome of the interim meeting will always be PIPs (Parenting Information Programme) and Mediation.

I would also strongly advise that in any event after mediation, i.e. you agree contact, that this be put into a Defined Contact Order or a Reasonable Contact Order.

If no agreements are met. It will eventually come down to a Contested Hearing in which you will need to prepare a statement. To get to this process if Mediation is involved can take up to 12months. Not good.

If it does come to this point and you want advice on what and how to prepare your Statement for a final hearing. Post back here and i can give some good solid advice.

Just a quick mention toward your unborn, if you are still married you can apply through the courts if you wish to have PR, given you are currently still married, the courts would be hard pressed to find a reason to refuse you PR.

In the meantime. Chin up

Try contacting 'Fathers for Justice' for advice.

Forget F4J, you'd be better contacting Families need Fathers.

If I was a father I would steer well clear of any fathers rights organisations. In my experience they tend to ratchet up grievances and encourage fathers to adopt unproductive strategies leading to aggressive and demanding behaviour. By setting the expectation in fathers that the system is out to get them fathers groups play a role in creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Contacting any advice service is worth a shot STIDW.

Your experience contradicts my experience of these support services. I can't remember the last time i read something on FNF to say or encourage a person to be aggressive or demanding?!

What surprises me is that this so called "self-fulfilling prophecy" generally turns out to be a prophecy come true in the Family courts... does it not? Or is your experience going to contradict my experiences and the reason why over 40,000 individuals go through the courts to get access to their children?

Oh DevDad, a woman doesnt "trick" a man into pregnancy.... shouldn't it have read DivDad?

Oh DevDad, a woman doesnt "trick" a man into pregnancy.... shouldn't it have read DivDad?

Bandwitch..... I agree wholeheartedly

Of course some women trick men into fatherhood! Even here on MN you'll see "should I stop taking the pill and not tell DH because I want a baby and he doesn't" posts; most people say that behaviour is vile, but plainly some women do pull that stunt.

In this case, the ex led the OP to believe she wanted another baby with him; turned out out she only wanted his sperm.

This thread is just unreal.

The OP comes on obviously distraught and in shock and posters make the most ridiculous assumptions, project stuff about their abusive exp and ask him why he isn't remincing about how great it all was and how she is feeling now.

MN is so weird sometimes.

Come on littlemum - are you really that naive?

I am also pretty disgusted by the treatment that the OP has had here. The fact is that women and mothers aren't perfect and are more than capable of being malicious, vindictive and coercive. And I have personal knowledge of a few who are more than willing to use their children as leverage to exact revenge.

The OP was clearly angry and upset and in crisis mode. And who wouldn't be if his daughter was taken from him without warning while simultaneously his entire world was suddenly and dramatically torn from under him? Grow up people and have a heart.

OP - I have only skimmed the thread as I got more than a little disgusted by the responses you were getting. I have noted that there was a little practical advice, so I hope you have had some good advice (Families Need Fathers is good if you've not found them yet) and are in a good position to argue for contact with your kids. That is the most important thing, and sadly the Family Courts are more geared up for castration than justice. But if you act early enough and are decisive and firm you may get somewhere. Good luck.

Sorry, it sounds shit.

But, have you ever had time to be a dad and a husband, aside from sex?

You are a soldier on overseas postings, you are studying for no less than TWO degrees, and go trekking "for charity".

QuintessentialShadows the OP was on an accompanied posting - meaning his wife was with him and housed overseas with him.

Soldiers do tend to have some time off of work you know. Before you ask I am the child of one and married to another.

In a way that makes it worse. Wife follows him to whereever he is posted. In his spare time, he studies for two degrees, and goes for long hikes. Great life for her!