A devastated dad - need advice

[DevDad]

Hey all, I have been doing some research and reading online and I thought I would post my background to see if anyone can offer some advice or guidance as well as the articles I have read. Here goes...

I am a serving soldier with a dedicated army house (rental) which I lived in with my wife, daughter (17 months) and dog.

My wife recently had her 12 week scan for our second baby and then declared that week that she hated me and wanted to leave. She phoned her family, they picked her and my daughter up that night (May 22) and they have not returned since. A few quick facts.

Assets

*Wife has not worked in over 2 years including 6 months unemployment benefit
*I am the sole earner (32K annum)
*No savings
*No property
*1 vehicle on HP in my name 50% paid but DVLA registered to her

I contacted her the morning after she left and she confirmed via email that she had legal counsel via legal aid and her family had given her the cash deposit for a new house in their vicinity.

We argued, many horrible words exchanged until I agreed she could take the majority of the furniture from the house.

Possessions

I had to go away for 9 days on a charity trek (raising money for the hospital that operated on my daughter) and in that time she returned to the house and took everything of value however she told the Army she had moved out 3 weeks previous to her return with family members and a van. She told me that her solicitor instructed her it was fine as the possessions were 100% hers and 100% mine so first come first served.

I have returned to an empty shell of a home which requires cleaning and repairing in order to be of a standard suitable for the Army to take it back.

When prompted for communication she tells me constantly to "go through her lawyer" about even the most trivial items.

Children

I used a CSA calculator on the website and offered her the amount they suggested which she has accepted via private arrangement (bank transfer) and I have paid the first month however she has threatened to go to the CSA if it is not paid before the 2nd of every month. I asked for the address where my daughter is staying which she has refused to give. I informed her that I would pay CSA in full but only in cheque (as is my right per the CSA website) sent to her home. She has written back that she will forego the money and go to the CSA direct.

2 weeks ago I was in the area where she stays and asked to see my daughter at 6pm to which she replied it was too disruptive to her routine and refused to allow me to see her.

I told her that seeing her father was more important that "in the night garden" but she persisted and has now claimed that 2 solicitors and a social worker have confirmed that she was right to deny access and I should only see our child at the mandated times she has stipulated in the divorce papers which I have not received yet.

Filing for divorce

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

I don't drink, smoke, adulterate or subject her to any violence and I have a sterling military record including a special security clearance with very deep background checks. I think she may claim unreasonable behaviour however I am not sure on what grounds. I have already told her I am making her wait the full five years.

I have neglected her for the PC quite a bit when immersed in my own projects.

My questions are thus -

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a git to the married couple or soley to her?

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

I am quite devastated at the turn of events and have emailed her some nasty remarks. She admitted that she stayed with me until she was pregnant again purely so that she did not have 2 children by different fathers and left me pretty much on the day that the second child was confirmed as healthy.

I have no real premises with which to visit or see my daughter and have been reduced to jungle jims for an afternoon.

:-(

In March 2012 (not that far away) I return to Afghanistan for 6 months so will pretty much not meet the newborn at all and I am certain (having known her) that by the time I return at Christmas 2012 that she will have someone else living there and parenting my daughter.

At this stage I feel like walking away from everything including my little girl and just letting them get on with their lives.

Any and all advice appreciated, even criticism.

Hi
have PMd you.

I would debate that you paid her college fees- surely all money is family money, not yours?

I am very sorry that you are in this position, and I have no advice because I could never imagine finding myself in a situation like this, nor can I imagine what I would do to resolve it. I hope your solicitor can move things forward quickly, and that your relationship with your child/children is not harmed. Whatever your STBXwife may have done or not done, they are innocent.

How long have you been seperated. I may be confused but how was she claiming JSA when she was with you or were you seperated?

And the more you reveal, the more we know why she buggered off.
JSA is not "stopped because it had been 6 months". It probably stopped because she was getting contributions based, and that only lasts 6 months. After that it goes to income based, and with you on 32k, she wouldn't qualify.
I don't hate men, but when I read this sort of shit, I start remembering why I might start.

And if you were separated, then that MIGHT be a little sign that things weren't 100% between you.

In the OP he states the wife left their home on May 22nd, so I don't think they have been separated.

So the contributions based JSA for 6 months theory must be correct.

So how else did you emotionally abuse her before she packed her bags and left OP?

Bet there's a few corkers in your repertoire?

She wasn't a rotten woman until about 2 months ago. She is a fantastic mother, could not ask for better.

She couldnt claim JSA with a child, she would get income support. I do not think she would be able to claim this whilst in a forces house living with someone.

If she left on May 22nd she would be able to claim Income Support from then.

I might be wrong

She would not have got Income Support while living in a Forces house, because of the 32k income. She could have got JSA Contributions because that is based on employment over 2 tax years.
She will be able to claim ESA now (what was IS).

So she must have worked at some point and been made redundant or had a reason for leaving work to claim Contribution based JSA

Very very rarely in my experience does someone wake up one morning and just decide to walk out. Relationships take 2 people, and it doesn't matter what one of the people thinks, if one of the people decides that the relationship is good and perfect, it's about what both parties think.

Again, FWIW, my ex thought we had a perfect marriage. He didn't see as a problem, or couldn't see, or didn't want to see the myriad of ways he put me down, emotionally abused me, controlled me, and all the ways he didn't treat me right. That, of course, is my opinion, my view. I wanted to be treated differently to how he treated me, he doesn't think he treated me badly - it's about perception, which is the point I've tried to make on here before.

Does that make any sense?

She did work whilst we were in Germany, she worked the minimum amount of hours per week that she could guarantee herself JSA upon returning to the UK.

The place where she worked (online training provider) offered over 700 free courses for personal and professional development. She completed one, and only 50% of it. The ECDL.

For the women that are claiming I emotionally abused her, you seem to think that justifies her refusal to work, her theft from the house and her refusal to contribute to any shared bills and debts...as well the small matter of she was not emotionally abused 12 weeks before she left when she asked me to have another baby with her.

Well, surely when she wasn't working she was caring for your child? Given that you are in the forces, and studying for 2 degrees, you wouldn't have a lot of spare time to care for your daughter.

She didn't steal stuff from the house - in your OP you said she could take stuff, she did that, it seems like then you changed your mind after she'd taken the stuff.

My ex was emotionally abusive but I have 3 children with him - it wasn't until I had a lightbult moment and really even more so after I left that I realised just how much the emotional abuse was.

Honestly DevDad you don't seem to have much empathy for your stbx's situation, stuck in Germany, no family support near, small baby, trying to work, you weren't around much - that in itself would be hard for anyone.

She decided not to do a course - big deal. If she didn't want to then that's HER decision - you seem to have a problem with that? Just because you want to push yourself and do 2 degrees doesn't mean that she has to.

Yes she should contribute to shared bills and debts but you can't force her to hand over the car when it is registered to her - honestly, let the solicitors deal with that end of it.

You are misunderstanding.

I forced the Army to post us back to the Midlands SO she could be with her family.
My ex never worked AND took care of a baby. She worked prior to getting pregnant. Before the baby came along she only worked a minimum amount per week.

I was around a lot in Germany. I turned down military opportunities so (courses, Kenya, travel) as to not leave her alone. Did I have a problem with her squandering free educational resources which would have helped her gain a better job in the UK and provide more our family? Absolutely. I worked hard at my career, why should I be the only one?

I said she could have most of the stuff, I did not say she could return with a van when I am not around and her her family to empty the house. Luckily I was in the car at the time so I have it. The solicitor has confirmed I can force her to hand the paperwork over. I just tell the DVLA I am the new owner and they send the paperwork to me.

Some light at the end of the tunnel.

You seem intent and lumping me in with your ex, which either tells me that you do not have an open mind or you still harbour some resentment towards your ex and are projecting that onto me.

I could do exactly what you are doing right now...and say...what did you do to make your ex emotionally abuse you? There are 2 sides to every marriage.

But I am not. Maybe your ex actually did not do anything wrong? Maybe you just needed a reason to justify you leaving and you invented it?

What counts as emotional abuse? Give us some examples of why your ex was such a terrible man that you decided to leave him rather than try and make the marriage work through mediation, counselling or even talking to him about what he was doing? Doesn't he deserve the right to change and adapt?

Maybe your stbx wanted to be around for her babies? Maybe she didn't want the all singing all dancing fantabulous career? Did you think to ASK HER?

As far as the cleaning out the house of stuff - that comes down to could have should have would have I am afraid - maybe her understanding of what she could take and yours were different.

You would have been better to handle the whole thing through a solicitor, as this is what happens - if a solicitor had been involved it would all have been clearer iyswim?

I didn't misunderstand, btw, you didn't make it clear - which is different. I am not stupid, and you're tone implies that I am. Which is getting right up my nose, and my hackles are rising. I hope you didn't speak to your wife the way you write these posts.

WRT the car, are you the owner, and she is the registered keeper? If so it should be easy to get the car back, but if you aren't the owner then it will be much more problematic.

You can't "trick someone into pregnancy". If you don't want a child and you are a man then you use a condom - simple. Oh, sorry, do you think contraception is purely a woman's responsibility?

Neither of you sound much in the parent-stakes - I feel sorry for your kids

What did I do to make my ex emotionally abuse me? I cannot make anyone emotionally abuse me, it's his behaviour that constitutes emotional abuse, not mine. I cannot make anyone else do anything. As to me projecting, all I am trying to do is put forward a balanced view, and for the record it's not a man bashing exercise, I have done so in the past when women have told their stories too.

I do have an open mind.

A reason to leave? I made it up? My scars tell a different story. Should you feel it necessary, if you PM me your private email address I will photograph the scars on my face, arms, breasts where he beat me with belts, burnt me with hot oil and other implements. Unfortunately rape leaves no scars, other than mental ones.

Emotional abuse included but was not limited to, calling me stupid, putting me down in public and in front of the children, calling me fat and other much more vile names, insisting on recording expenditure on spreadsheets, monitoring where I went through said spreadsheet which was used to record miles travelled in the car, never practically contributing to the running of the house (ie never washed clothes, dishwasher), negligible amounts of looking after the children, putting himself and his activities first and carrying them out to the detriment of the family unit.

I have to say that while is sounds like a horrid situation, the way you write OP is very clinical and lacking in emotion.

If these are the things you will say to strangers on the internet (you say that she is lazy and almost act like she is a secong class citizen) then its very difficult not to judge how you may treat your wife. If you speak to her like you have spoken to some of the posters on here then I am not surprised she wanted to leave.

MarioandLuigi - you said that much better than I did. I agree totally.

You are hurting a lot! I can hear that in your posts. But the two things you really need to do are a) see a solicitor b) get some professional help. I know the second is uncool in the army, but you need to vent these feelings in a confidential place with someone trained to help you work through your feelings. Start with the Padre or see if there is someone else who will help within the army.

Please do not become like the guy in the Music shop who vented about his ex-wife to me for 1/2 hour when I just went in to get my daughter's music.

I am sure a solicitor will get you contact with your daughter (just read the stories on here of women having to allow contact to some extremely unpleasant exs).

Oh and DevDad - I begged and pleaded with him to go to counselling, I made appointments with Relate and with private counsellors and ended up going on my own because he refused to go. Counting the time we were going out I was with him for almost 24 years, so I didn't just leave for the sake of it, waken up and think "fuck this I'm out of here"

DevDad - I'm sorry you're not getting the support that a woman would have got in your position. There are plenty of women who post that their husband has fucked off with another woman out of the blue when they thought all was rosy, and no-one questions that.

I wonder if your wife really had a solicitor - a lot of what she was saying at first was bollocks. Or if she had and was embellishing the advice, thinking you wouldn't get a solicitor.

Please don't abandon your children though. You love your daughter and you will love your baby. It sounds like your wife will make it difficult but that's no excuse. From reading posts from wives who are separated it sounds as though the rules are to ALWAYS show up on time (heartrending posts from women with children that won't come away from the window for hours because they're waiting for Daddy who then doesn't show up) and not turning up unexpectedly.

Re. the car, if it's in her name, the tax is her problem. As is the insurance. When the SORN notification turns up, just forward it to her. When you do divorce, the fact that she had 100% of the assets and the family car should be taken into account.