A devastated dad - need advice

[DevDad]

Hey all, I have been doing some research and reading online and I thought I would post my background to see if anyone can offer some advice or guidance as well as the articles I have read. Here goes...

I am a serving soldier with a dedicated army house (rental) which I lived in with my wife, daughter (17 months) and dog.

My wife recently had her 12 week scan for our second baby and then declared that week that she hated me and wanted to leave. She phoned her family, they picked her and my daughter up that night (May 22) and they have not returned since. A few quick facts.

Assets

*Wife has not worked in over 2 years including 6 months unemployment benefit
*I am the sole earner (32K annum)
*No savings
*No property
*1 vehicle on HP in my name 50% paid but DVLA registered to her

I contacted her the morning after she left and she confirmed via email that she had legal counsel via legal aid and her family had given her the cash deposit for a new house in their vicinity.

We argued, many horrible words exchanged until I agreed she could take the majority of the furniture from the house.

Possessions

I had to go away for 9 days on a charity trek (raising money for the hospital that operated on my daughter) and in that time she returned to the house and took everything of value however she told the Army she had moved out 3 weeks previous to her return with family members and a van. She told me that her solicitor instructed her it was fine as the possessions were 100% hers and 100% mine so first come first served.

I have returned to an empty shell of a home which requires cleaning and repairing in order to be of a standard suitable for the Army to take it back.

When prompted for communication she tells me constantly to "go through her lawyer" about even the most trivial items.

Children

I used a CSA calculator on the website and offered her the amount they suggested which she has accepted via private arrangement (bank transfer) and I have paid the first month however she has threatened to go to the CSA if it is not paid before the 2nd of every month. I asked for the address where my daughter is staying which she has refused to give. I informed her that I would pay CSA in full but only in cheque (as is my right per the CSA website) sent to her home. She has written back that she will forego the money and go to the CSA direct.

2 weeks ago I was in the area where she stays and asked to see my daughter at 6pm to which she replied it was too disruptive to her routine and refused to allow me to see her.

I told her that seeing her father was more important that "in the night garden" but she persisted and has now claimed that 2 solicitors and a social worker have confirmed that she was right to deny access and I should only see our child at the mandated times she has stipulated in the divorce papers which I have not received yet.

Filing for divorce

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

I don't drink, smoke, adulterate or subject her to any violence and I have a sterling military record including a special security clearance with very deep background checks. I think she may claim unreasonable behaviour however I am not sure on what grounds. I have already told her I am making her wait the full five years.

I have neglected her for the PC quite a bit when immersed in my own projects.

My questions are thus -

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a git to the married couple or soley to her?

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

I am quite devastated at the turn of events and have emailed her some nasty remarks. She admitted that she stayed with me until she was pregnant again purely so that she did not have 2 children by different fathers and left me pretty much on the day that the second child was confirmed as healthy.

I have no real premises with which to visit or see my daughter and have been reduced to jungle jims for an afternoon.

:-(

In March 2012 (not that far away) I return to Afghanistan for 6 months so will pretty much not meet the newborn at all and I am certain (having known her) that by the time I return at Christmas 2012 that she will have someone else living there and parenting my daughter.

At this stage I feel like walking away from everything including my little girl and just letting them get on with their lives.

Any and all advice appreciated, even criticism.

X-posted, OP. Glad you've got a solicitor!!

And as someone said on here - we all know what thought did....
Look, your wife might be a complete twat. Who knows. My point was that claiming that she changed overnight is all a load of bollocks. It is usually that the other person does not notice.

You need to try and take a step back. You won't achieve anything by being angry or getting into tit for tat arguments. Don't act out of spite, you will make yourself look like a dick, you will end up feeling like a dick and it will hurt your children. Nobody is going to 'win' so stop worrying that you are going to be ripped off or she is going to get one over on you.

Get a solicitor, you can't have an amicable divorce from someone who won't even tell you where she lives. Prioritise your daughter and your new baby. It does sound like your wife has behaved despicably but you can't control her behaviour, only yours which even in your OP doesn't sound great.

Don't slag her off in real life. Your children won't thank you for it. You won't gain anything from it.

When you are considering what action you want to take, think about how your adult children will think about it in 20 years time. Do you want them to see you as a stand up guy who did his best, or a loser who didn't fight for contact or made their mothers life a misery with his petty dissection of how the CSA money was spent.

What do you actually want to happen wrt contact, money etc. ?

Write down what you want and consider if its fair and go from there. Don't email her nasty comments, don't claim more than your fair share based on having moral superiority, it doesn't work like that and she has her own complaints about your behaviour . Be nice and it will be easier. Its easier for her to be obstructive if you give her ammunition.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

I was quite willing to have an amicable break up. Until I was robbed of everything I own.

THEN I told her I was making her wait five years and contesting it.

Petty? Absolutely.
Motivations? To demonstrate to my daughter that Dad did not want a divorce, that it came on suddenly and I was willing to consider counselling etc.

The ex moved out on a Sunday evening (the hate speech) and had a solicitor and new house at 10.15am on Monday morning.

Gay - you are prob right, I prob have halted some of the romance and nuances that are required in long term relationship...I can't deny. It is prob true.

Believe me she changed overnight. She was doting right up until she was pregnant and confirmed. Then she was gone.

But I have a solicitor now and things are better. I will just settle into single dad-dom.

I don't believe in karma, but I hope it comes round to those who deserve it.

Your DD will not be impressed that you made her Mummy's life more difficult by contesting the divorce for five years. For your daughter's sake you should push ahead with the divorce, so that you can concentrate on your relationship with your children.

Being petty will really bring you nothing but grief. I'm saying that with your best interests at heart.

You don't believe in tricking into pregnancy? What planet are you on?

Do you think I would have agreed to another child with my wife if I knew her reasons were "I want to leave but I don't want 2 kids with different blood."

Are you forgetting that small detail? This is not conjecture. She said it to me.

"To demonstrate to my daughter that Dad did not want a divorce, that it came on suddenly and I was willing to consider counselling etc."

Your dd is 17 months. Its better that she sees you treating her mother nicely and being as good a parent as you can be rather than growing up thinking controlling people and acting against their express and reasonable wishes is an acceptable way to make a point.

Devdad

You may want to pop into forces sweethearts section although we can't give you the legal advice we do know the military system regards access housing etc

There will be someone there who can help
You've said you have spoken to welfare ask them about contact houses

Contact houses? I will do. Thank you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/forces_sweethearts

If your wife has tricked you into getting her pregnant for such selfish reasons then I agree she is out of order.

Hi,

Sounds like a nasty situation. As I've said before on here people can be awful. It's not just men and it's not just women. I'd like to say I'm surprised by your treatment here but sadly I'm not.

Anyway practical matters. My ex tried to 'screw' me via the CSA and much to my surprise they turned out to be helpful, efficient and above all fair. When they contacted me they were polite and helpful so I was polite and helpful back. As a result I was better off and the question of child maintenance was taken out of both of our hands. No discussion or stress now.

My advice is go to the CSA first. Tell them when you can pay and do it by direct debit.

With regard to contact with your children you do have rights but you are likely to need the help of a solicitor to ensure contact is maintained. If necessary you can apply for a contact order to see the children although I believe a judge will want to be satisfied that you've made all possible efforts to sort this out amicably.

The goods from the marital home are half yours but I don't imagine getting any money for them or getting them back will be easy.

Do you have a families officer available to help you or to point you in the direction of decent solicitor?

Keep calm and don't try and get revenge. The system should work for you both provided all you insist on is fairness.

Devdad, sorry to hear your having such a shit time. Unfortunately though this is a parenting website, its mainly mums on here who have been left in the shit bu their partners / husbands, hence why you've had little sympathy. If a woman had come on here with a similar story she would have had masses of support.

Anyway, glad to hear you have a solicitor, thats a good move. What you need to do now is calm down and be the better person. Your DD will grow up into a woman, don't let her hear or read anything nasty about her mum, thats what places like this are for and your friends, don;t get into slanging matches and nasty emails, no matter how tempting, the only people you'll hurt will be yourself and your DD and new baby. Plus it will also help your ex with her story of unreasonable behaviour, don;t give her any amunition.

As someone else said, although you thought all was good, she didn't and although I don;t agree with what she did, there are 2 sides to every story.

It will get better and if you can stay strong, you will be able to have a relationship with your children.

On those notes I am bowing out before the keyboard takes over my life. The solicitor has put me at ease about a lot of things.

There are 2 sides to every story. I would love to hear hers though :-)

My advice, fwiw, is get a solicitor, get some advice from them, and take the advice you're given.

Fighting and arguing with your ex won't help, nor will points scoring over length of time to divorce, CSA and stuff.

And a piece of advice from me. I left a man 3 years ago and he still has no idea what he did wrong. He wanted me to fill in a spreadsheet to show what I spent child benefit on (so similar to you).

No one is perfect. If you truly had done nothing wrong and were absolutely perfect your wife wouldn't have left. Fact. You sound like my ex. You sound selfish, entitled, and you sound like you don't value the contribution your wife has made in rearing your child for the last couple of years.

Why would he photograph your rooms??

I have no intention of going anywhere near her house. I don't want to. Plus. How the hell do I forward her mail?

I just want to know where my daughter lives, which a solicitor has confirmed, I have a legal right to know. She has tried to claim it is me trying to control her.

It's not about her. It's about the kids.

I was angry, I am a lot calmer now I have had legal advice. Wouldn't you guys be angry if you had to give up your pedigree german shepherd you got from a rescue home?

Devdad, I think your're going to lose a lot of support for being more worried about the dog to be honest!

I get that you're angry, I would be in your shoes, but you need to channel your anger into getting what you want, access to your children and money for the bills,

It also sounds like you're better off without her

pinkandmegoran. wow. Just wow.

I sound selfish? For having the audacity to not want to be robbed? For knowing where my daughter lives??

I never said I was perfect. I actually said several times I am not perfect.

Anyway I am stepping away because some of these posts are clearly trolling.