A devastated dad - need advice

[DevDad]

Hey all, I have been doing some research and reading online and I thought I would post my background to see if anyone can offer some advice or guidance as well as the articles I have read. Here goes...

I am a serving soldier with a dedicated army house (rental) which I lived in with my wife, daughter (17 months) and dog.

My wife recently had her 12 week scan for our second baby and then declared that week that she hated me and wanted to leave. She phoned her family, they picked her and my daughter up that night (May 22) and they have not returned since. A few quick facts.

Assets

*Wife has not worked in over 2 years including 6 months unemployment benefit
*I am the sole earner (32K annum)
*No savings
*No property
*1 vehicle on HP in my name 50% paid but DVLA registered to her

I contacted her the morning after she left and she confirmed via email that she had legal counsel via legal aid and her family had given her the cash deposit for a new house in their vicinity.

We argued, many horrible words exchanged until I agreed she could take the majority of the furniture from the house.

Possessions

I had to go away for 9 days on a charity trek (raising money for the hospital that operated on my daughter) and in that time she returned to the house and took everything of value however she told the Army she had moved out 3 weeks previous to her return with family members and a van. She told me that her solicitor instructed her it was fine as the possessions were 100% hers and 100% mine so first come first served.

I have returned to an empty shell of a home which requires cleaning and repairing in order to be of a standard suitable for the Army to take it back.

When prompted for communication she tells me constantly to "go through her lawyer" about even the most trivial items.

Children

I used a CSA calculator on the website and offered her the amount they suggested which she has accepted via private arrangement (bank transfer) and I have paid the first month however she has threatened to go to the CSA if it is not paid before the 2nd of every month. I asked for the address where my daughter is staying which she has refused to give. I informed her that I would pay CSA in full but only in cheque (as is my right per the CSA website) sent to her home. She has written back that she will forego the money and go to the CSA direct.

2 weeks ago I was in the area where she stays and asked to see my daughter at 6pm to which she replied it was too disruptive to her routine and refused to allow me to see her.

I told her that seeing her father was more important that "in the night garden" but she persisted and has now claimed that 2 solicitors and a social worker have confirmed that she was right to deny access and I should only see our child at the mandated times she has stipulated in the divorce papers which I have not received yet.

Filing for divorce

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

I don't drink, smoke, adulterate or subject her to any violence and I have a sterling military record including a special security clearance with very deep background checks. I think she may claim unreasonable behaviour however I am not sure on what grounds. I have already told her I am making her wait the full five years.

I have neglected her for the PC quite a bit when immersed in my own projects.

My questions are thus -

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a git to the married couple or soley to her?

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

I am quite devastated at the turn of events and have emailed her some nasty remarks. She admitted that she stayed with me until she was pregnant again purely so that she did not have 2 children by different fathers and left me pretty much on the day that the second child was confirmed as healthy.

I have no real premises with which to visit or see my daughter and have been reduced to jungle jims for an afternoon.

:-(

In March 2012 (not that far away) I return to Afghanistan for 6 months so will pretty much not meet the newborn at all and I am certain (having known her) that by the time I return at Christmas 2012 that she will have someone else living there and parenting my daughter.

At this stage I feel like walking away from everything including my little girl and just letting them get on with their lives.

Any and all advice appreciated, even criticism.

"Apart from not letting him have access to his daughter, which I think is totally wrong, what has his wife done?"

That's a bit like saying "So apart from cutting someone's right arm off, what else did she do wrong?".

Agreed, allnew, I phrased it badly.

What she has done by stopping him having access to his daughter is totally wrong - I've said that a number of times.

But the OP has issues with the fact that her family helped get her a rented house, for example, and seems to want a share of that money.

I think getting pregnant with number 2 when she has intention of continuing with the marriage is pretty shitty

And pink I'm not accusing you anyone of being biased and I think it's actually good for op to hear another side to the story

Agree, needanew about the getting pregnant with no2 if she had no intention of continuing with the marriage - that's a rotten thing to do, but plenty of people have done it, patch up babies are common enough? Plus, I know in my case, I distracted myself with the kids, and concentrated on them so that I didn't have to look too hard at the marriage that made them.

But pink this was not a patch up baby!

Sometimes when people are upset they focus on tangible things (e.g. money, furniture) rather then addressing their feelings of hurt.

Needanew - maybe it wasn't for the OP but maybe it was for his wife?

What I've said before and I'll say it again, the OP is focussing on himself and his own perception of how he behaved, but every relationship takes two people to make it work, his stbx obviously didn't feel the same (or she wouldn't have left) and I get the sense (and I could be wrong) that the OP had "expectations" of his wife and didn't like if she didn't conform to those expectations.

To be fair though, the OP did come on here asking for advice. He has been given some good advice - both in practical terms and also on not letting his feelings about his ex affect his behaviour/retaliation etc.

But he did not post in AIBU. It doesn't matter at this stage who was at fault originally, when it all might have started, nor indeed his character or anything else to that point. Yet for some reason a lot of posters are fixated on these aspects. Yes he mentioned a lot of stuff in the OP that wasn't relevant, or that you may not agree with, but he specifically asked for advice

Pink I have also said that whilst he thought all was fine she obviously didn't, but that doesn't necessarily make him the bad guy here, there are nasty women out there as well as nasty men.

And according to what he said, she actually told him she got pregnant on purpose soothe children didn't have different fathers - this could have been said as she was angry and hurt, we will never know.

All I have tried to say is that its not fair that some posters (not necessarily you pink) have immediately assumed that he is the bastard and poor his ex, no wonder she left. If a woman posted something similar, there would be a few questions but overall she was have got a lot of support.

Like you I have also said he needs to step back and calm down as nasty message won't help anyone, if anything they will help her case and make things tougher for him

Need - I think we can all agree that the best thing for DevDad to do is disengage from confrontation with the stbx and let the solicitors handle the whole thing.

DevDad - I hope you do get to see your daughter on Sunday and that you have a good day - junglejims or not.

I have not read most of the replies because I doubt many people here will have a military background. I do know that you got shouted down on RP, and I am of the opinion that people should get equal advice because there are always two sides to every story.

so:

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

Yes she is, I was told that I had to by my solicitor (and subsequent court order)

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

No you cannot

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a gift to the married couple or soley to her?

The gift would be solely to her I should imagine. My parents did the same when I left my exh (not military - current hubby is) but they tied the money up by putting a charge on the property instead which meant he couldn't get his hands on the money. Although, your wife would be bringing your children up in that property and it would be a nasty thing to do if you were to try and force a sale imo.

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

She can request via a court that visitation be by prior arrangement (my court order says at least a months notice), but given your unpredictable job they may agree that unscheduled visitation is not unreasonable.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

If the car finance is in your name only you should have been the registered keeper anyway. You really need to speak to the lender, they may be able to sort this one out.

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

She probably will not have entitlement to your bonuses, but she may well go for a part of your pension, which she is entitled to do. If you were married for say 6 years and you served the whole time she could ask for 6/22

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

My understanding is that if she has given notice to housing she should have given them the keys back. If she has not and she has returned to remove items then that is an issue with DHE, and you need to speak with the Housing Officer to clarify the situation.

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

In relation to bills, if she does not have any money she is not going to be able to pay. Therefore as you are jointly, and severably liable, it will have to come out of your pocket. Also MQ bills will come directly from your wage packet prior to you receiving your beer tokens.

The other thing I will say is this. If you were studying for 2 years to better yourself then fair play to you. If my husband did that I would see it as a way for him to improve his prospects for our future as a family. If you were not I also would have walked. One of the reasons I divorced my exh was because of his daily marathon sessions on the playstation.

Having gone through divorce I would also say try and keep it as amicable as possible. Believe me when I say I know it is hard, but it may well be worth it in the long run.

Try and keep in contact with your daughter as much as possible. I know you may not be able to see as much of her as you would like (flights are not cheap backwards and forwards - nor is driving and with the LOA drop, even harder), but send blueys (my kids love receiving them) and call as often as you can (Vodafone.de has great packages for calling UK free if your still in BFG).

When talking to your wife try and think of how you want this to work out for your daughter. If you want to see her then try and stay as calm as possible. My solicitor only stopped contact between my son and his father when his father started bullying him. Bear in mind that my exh had been mentally and physically tormenting me for years.

I know right now you feel like being vindictive and waiting the full five years for a divorce, but trust me it really is not worth it. You can divorce after two years if you both agree under the separation rule.

Whatever you do, do not continually call your wife and be abusive on the telephone (or by email, or any other form). It will NOT help (not saying you are).

Finally, speak to Army Legal, and the Padre as the Padre HAS to remain discreet, whereas Welfare are generally gossip mongers from my experience.

I don't know one way or the other on this situation. I am not going to get involved. However I did want to give you some constructive advice.

Good luck in getting this resolved, for your daughters sake.

G

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

Sorry I missed this. Sadly a marriage takes two willing partners and if one of them is no longer willing the marriage is effectively over. Your wife is correct, you can take the easy way sign the acknowledgement and get on with sorting out the arrangements for the finances and children with minimum expense and damage to long term family relationships.

You can do it the hard way and waste a fortune defending a divorce which will be granted eventually. Even if you don't have solicitor you could end up paying your wife's legal bill. Alternatively if you don't sign the papers the bailiff will serve them again so if you still don't sign them the bailiff's evidence will be used to proof the papers have been served and the court can grant the divorce anyway.

Bailiff service costs q a lot these days - was a tenner for about a million years, now it's yet another £100 to find.

The thing is, if the divorce is dragged out for the full 5 years with all that entails, the only winners are the lawyers.

It won't. She'll issue under section (b) and he won't be able to stop it.

If she is witholding this information from you (address) it is pretty much kidnap. And i'm sorry to say on here, many many Mums will say that it is NOT kidnap... the definition of kidnap will fit what happens in your situation.

Legally kidnapping is to take someone by force or fraud without their consent, but consent from children isn't usually required. The law recognises there are times when parents need to control their children. Kidnapping isn't taking a child without the consent of a parent.

They are playing god with someones life just in the interests of making a quick buck. Afterall, you writing letters back and forth to agree contact is £ cherching.

I'm not a solicitor but in my experience solicitors help the majority of parents to negotiate contact arrangements without any need to involve the courts. Unfortunately these cases fall under the radar because the media isn't interested and the parents involved don't have any reason to stalk the internet. It seems to me that the money has been well spent on legal fees.

In any case if you check in the job columns what the average high street family solicitor earns and the overheads of legal firms it dispels the myth that family solicitors are rolling in money. If money was their motivation the would choose other more lucrative areas of law to work in.

Remember you'll need Reasonable Contact, a court will stipulate hours per week (overnight stops etc) and yourself and your ex will need to come to an arrangement, if she breaks these, she will be in contempt of court... that said there's nothing a court will actually do to enforce that she has to allow you contact.

When regular contact is a problem and flexibility is required it would be far better to try to reach an agreement out of court. Parents are more satisfied with agreements made out of court and the arrangements are more likely to be adhered to.

If no agreement can be reached and the court makes an order the order and a warning notice are served on both parties. It is then contempt of court if either party doesn't stick to the order. The courts regularly employ a raft of measures to get parents to comply with contact orders such as finger wagging, Parent Information Programmes, making costs orders etc.

Unfortunately some parents have no insight into the consequences of their actions or accept any responsibility for the negative impact on the relationship they have with the other parent and the damage it causes when they are demanding and aggressive.

Basically if you had a private pension i would stop paying into it immediately, wait for your divorce to become final and then open a new one. Another option is to not mention your pension at all in any divorce proceedings... very rare people get away with this last point mind you.

How do you stop paying into an army pension? In any case substantial non disclosure would be grounds to set any settlement aside anytime in the future and the legal costs and penalties can be hefty. When someone is young the pension is not likely to make much difference anyway.

OP, please get kosher legal advice.

This thread is so frigging horrible.

The OP is a little bitter yes. FFS,who wouldn't be?! His wife pretended she loved him still to get a baby that he will now have to support for 18 years and will hardly see.

She has taken everything from his house, and left him will all the bills and mess to clean up.

She won't tell him where his child is.

I think there are some serous double standards on here. Some posters can post how they wish all bank staff a horrific death for messing up a DD and get better comments than this! He said he was angry and would make her wait 5 years for a divorce, he didn't say he was going to hack her to death with a machete.

It's funny how woman are allowed to wish all sorts on a man who cheats on her, but a man who's wife has basically trampled on his entire life gets told its totally his own fault for missing the signs that she clearly didn't love him anymore

Good God, sometimes I think if Gandhi came on here even he'd be called a shauvanistic twat.

Agree with MORALLYBANKRUPT, would be very different responses if the Op was the female.
Get a good solicitor and know your rights and fight your corner.

I can only get to page three of this thread, and I can't read anymore. I wish, wish, wish I could see the OP written again from the perspective of a woman; a woman whose husband has walked out leaving her PG, clearing out the house and leaving her with nothing of use or value, refusing to see the daughter, announcing that he hates her and hasn't loved her for ages, and citing the fact that she had been working full time as well as studying to better their future as an excuse for feeling that he wasn't getting enough attention from her.

I'm guessing the responses would be rather different. Rather more sympathetic.

Nice to know us girls stick together, and always start from the position that the man must automatically be in the wrong. I'm going to hide this thread now, as I really don't have time for lengthy arguments this week.

X-posts coccyx and morallyb!

Thank goodness some people are finally posting in here with abbit of decency towards the OP. There is so much hypocrisy and double standards here, put far more eloquently by the above posters.

Yah, a badger could be more eloquent than my last post. Sorry!

Fontsnob - I think that what has happened is that DevDad has posted on a forum populated by women, many of whom (like me) have experience of dealing with unreasonable men who haven't behaved decently and that has, rightly or wrongly, coloured the responses that he has had.

FWIW I got into hot water on another thread when I asked questions of a woman, so not everyone has male/female bias.