A devastated dad - need advice

[DevDad]

Hey all, I have been doing some research and reading online and I thought I would post my background to see if anyone can offer some advice or guidance as well as the articles I have read. Here goes...

I am a serving soldier with a dedicated army house (rental) which I lived in with my wife, daughter (17 months) and dog.

My wife recently had her 12 week scan for our second baby and then declared that week that she hated me and wanted to leave. She phoned her family, they picked her and my daughter up that night (May 22) and they have not returned since. A few quick facts.

Assets

*Wife has not worked in over 2 years including 6 months unemployment benefit
*I am the sole earner (32K annum)
*No savings
*No property
*1 vehicle on HP in my name 50% paid but DVLA registered to her

I contacted her the morning after she left and she confirmed via email that she had legal counsel via legal aid and her family had given her the cash deposit for a new house in their vicinity.

We argued, many horrible words exchanged until I agreed she could take the majority of the furniture from the house.

Possessions

I had to go away for 9 days on a charity trek (raising money for the hospital that operated on my daughter) and in that time she returned to the house and took everything of value however she told the Army she had moved out 3 weeks previous to her return with family members and a van. She told me that her solicitor instructed her it was fine as the possessions were 100% hers and 100% mine so first come first served.

I have returned to an empty shell of a home which requires cleaning and repairing in order to be of a standard suitable for the Army to take it back.

When prompted for communication she tells me constantly to "go through her lawyer" about even the most trivial items.

Children

I used a CSA calculator on the website and offered her the amount they suggested which she has accepted via private arrangement (bank transfer) and I have paid the first month however she has threatened to go to the CSA if it is not paid before the 2nd of every month. I asked for the address where my daughter is staying which she has refused to give. I informed her that I would pay CSA in full but only in cheque (as is my right per the CSA website) sent to her home. She has written back that she will forego the money and go to the CSA direct.

2 weeks ago I was in the area where she stays and asked to see my daughter at 6pm to which she replied it was too disruptive to her routine and refused to allow me to see her.

I told her that seeing her father was more important that "in the night garden" but she persisted and has now claimed that 2 solicitors and a social worker have confirmed that she was right to deny access and I should only see our child at the mandated times she has stipulated in the divorce papers which I have not received yet.

Filing for divorce

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

I don't drink, smoke, adulterate or subject her to any violence and I have a sterling military record including a special security clearance with very deep background checks. I think she may claim unreasonable behaviour however I am not sure on what grounds. I have already told her I am making her wait the full five years.

I have neglected her for the PC quite a bit when immersed in my own projects.

My questions are thus -

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a git to the married couple or soley to her?

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

I am quite devastated at the turn of events and have emailed her some nasty remarks. She admitted that she stayed with me until she was pregnant again purely so that she did not have 2 children by different fathers and left me pretty much on the day that the second child was confirmed as healthy.

I have no real premises with which to visit or see my daughter and have been reduced to jungle jims for an afternoon.

:-(

In March 2012 (not that far away) I return to Afghanistan for 6 months so will pretty much not meet the newborn at all and I am certain (having known her) that by the time I return at Christmas 2012 that she will have someone else living there and parenting my daughter.

At this stage I feel like walking away from everything including my little girl and just letting them get on with their lives.

Any and all advice appreciated, even criticism.

It's not trolling just because you aren't getting everyone's support.

Trolling? Maybe I misunderstand the term but disagreeing isn;t trolling.

Anyway, you have had lots of support, you are understandably angry and by the sounds of it rightly so, but its not helping you or your children.

I am on the other end of this so to speak - my ex is a massive fucking fuckwit who is draggin me through a 4 year court thing to see the children he will not even write to - he is a controlling asshole.

That said. Get legal advice with more than one lawyer and then decide who you will instruct. My advice is to give her a divorce - do not however agree to unreasonable behaviour unless it is true - go for a separation by mutual consent after two years.. that agreement to unreasonable behaviour might come back to bite you on the arse when you get involved in a childrens case.

Do def pay your maintenance but contact the csa yourself and pay it through them - it takes the heat out of the discussion between you and her and they are impartial - it takes one thing off the list to argue about. Private arrangements are all very well but too much margin for conflict.

With the help of a solicitor you need to make an application for access to your child immediately - have them expedite it as you are having to leave the country fairly soon.

Do not get bogged down in the cleaning possessions and house stuff argument - it is done - take it on the chin and walk away - however, do keep a diary of conversations etc and any arrangements made - it will help you in the long run

Do not trade insults via email - reread everything you write to her because again these can be produced as evidence against you in court.... trust me when I tell you this because my ex has said some terrible things and it was slapped back at him almost 5 years later!

Please do play it straight - no devious shit and delaying tactics - play it straight because one day you will have to explain your actions to your children and you need to be able to sleep at night.

The whole court thing is awfully difficult but you will prevail.

For what it's worth, I think your wife sounds like a cunt. I am dreadfully sorry for you and your daughter that this has happened.

oh and i couldn't give a fuck about the dog either - not worth getting into

oh and don't walk away because that is absolutely the most gutless thing you could do and then you really have lost everything just because you don't have the moral courage to fight.

That one will be difficult to explain to your children

So whilst your wife raised your dd you have full time job and are studying for two degrees.....I'm surprised you had noticed she'd left.

How is anti misandry?

OP You've not mentioned once that you love your wife, are heart broken or anything.

Doesn't really matter if he loves her or why she left him (apart from abuse oc course) - this is about a child being denied access to her Father and how to sort that out

DevDad - I am not a troll. I am not trolling. I merely pointed out that there are similarities in how you have reacted and how my ex reacts. Which you have now confirmed.

The best advice I can give you is get a solicitor and detach from dealing with your wife, let the solicitor do what they're paid to do and sort the fall out for you, and concentrate on your daughter and your relationship with her.

FWIW I'd have been pissed off that she took the dog, but given that you travel with your job and you're doing 2 degrees and working full time you wouldn't IMHO have had time to walk the dog.

good point re. the dog fuckmepink...

Yeah pinky - and the dog was taken when DevDad was away on a 9 day charity trek, presumably?

So the wife was left to look after the pure bred GSD that was got from a rescue kennel

Interesting that none of the Mumsnet crew of lawyers (Collaborate, Mumoverseas, Mumblechum, BabyBarrister et al can be arsed to give advice to this guy. Maybe because he comes across as the type who doesn't listen.

I could pick the OP apart, but I can't see the point. Things like agreeing the wife could take the majority of the furniture from the house, and then complaining that she did just that. Things like getting a pure bred GSD from a rescue kennels (most rescues don't come with history or papers). Things like "assets" being my wife hasn't worked but I earn 32K a year.

If you search for threads under my name you'll see a thread I started about living with a Water Torturer.

I have every sympathy for the OP's wife.

But in the interests of fairness, I feel obliged to point out that we have only heard one side of the story. The OP may be caring, loving, and a devoted parent and his wife may indeed be a bitch as he portrays.

Yes but to be fair if her were a woman we wouldn't be asking what she had done to make her husband act in such a way - i do thing he is being a bit of a spiteful twat about things but then people do get into that when they are hurt don't they? you are allowed to think bad shit just acting on it is counter-productive

I do think his wife has acted like a huge fucking bastard -and if this dad were a mum we would not be saying 'ah well we haven't heard your husband's side of the story' - Surely for the most part we have to take this on face value and separating a child from either parent is a horrible thing to do

and for what it is worth I would place money on there being another man.......

Sorry this has happened to you and sorry you are getting less support than a women posting your OP would have got. Sadly that is often the case on MN - I guess as there are a fair few women on the other side of the story where their paretners may have put that OP down and it not be the truth. Bt on MN we generally give a women in this situation the benefit of the doubt and imo we should the same even if the OP is a man.

However, that aside, you have got a solicitor now - that is the best advice, keep doing things the right way from now on in. No more nasty comments or emails, just calm and measured repies and requests.

I have got into bother on other threads started by women for asking the wrong questions and not believing everything so it's not a female bias.

The post just comes across as clinical and unemotional and doesn't seem like someone who is devastated at the break up of a marriage.

DevDad, backing up what others have said, I am also shocked at some of the responses you've had on here. If you had been a woman posting you would have seen some very different responses and wouldn't give the 'man' in the situation the benefit of the doubt like the majority of posters are giving your x-wife.

I work with individuals who work within the MOD everyday and I see the toll that the sort of job you do has on families. Not everyone is prepared for the 'role' of a wife/husband to someone in the Armed Forces and very often the marriages break down.

Other people are saying that you're being clinical and unfeeling, but I imagine that what you have dealt with in your daily job, you do end up having to show self-preservation, even at very difficult and sad times. Sometimes this effects how you communicate with others, whether written or verbal. Reading between the lines of your post, you are clearly devastated and who wouldn't be and you deserve every bit of support that a woman in a similar situation would ordinarily receive.

Clearly you are also angry with your X, quite rightly, she has treated you like a baby-making machine and no matter what the reasons, she is clearly being unreasonable keeping you away from your DD.

So, not having been through what you have, I can't offer any practical advice, but I just wanted to offer you some support. Not all women are as quick to defend other women when they appear to have done wrong. Absolutely there are two people in every marriage, but as most people take OPs from women in a similar situation to you, on face-value, I will absolutely do that with you aswell.

Good luck OP and I hope that you are properly re-united with your DD soon.

Now that I have a solicitor the ex has agreed for me to see my daughter on Sunday. Phew. Small victories.

Been missing her like crazy.

As for being heartbroken? I am not giving her the satisfaction. She will thrive on it.

The dog is a pedigree, it was taken a Tierheim animal shelter in Germany because the owner was arrested for keeping a breeding farm (4 years inside apparently). When we arrived all of the puppies had gone but the mother was left. Ex wife never took the dog. She left it telling me it was "my dog my problem, her daughter is her problem."

I have to give the dog up because as a single soldier we are not allowed to keep pets.

I was wrong about the dog - I apologise DevDad

Anyway, this thread can disappear into obscurity now and the man hating can continue.

For those that said a solicitor was mandatory - thank you, it really has helped. If there is another man...well he is welcome to my ex, good luck to him.

DevDad - I honestly am not a man hater, but I have experience of a man who thinks I just took the head staggers one night and walked out with no warning and he had no idea why blah blah blah. Apart from to say that in his head I left him for another man (I didn't he was emotionally and physically abusive and the marriage was pants)

Honestly the best thing you can do for your own mental health is detach detach detach from dealing with your stbx and let the solicitors argue it out between them.

I had sympathy for you until : "this thread can disappear into obscurity now and the man hating can continue."
Of course- everyone who has disagreed you is automatically a man hater.

It sounds to me that you don't know why your wife left because you don't know your wife.

"I am now tied to a second child for life" - this comment is vile. In what way are you a devastated dad is this is what you think about DC2?

Sorry I should have also added that I paid for her college tuition fees which she promptly squandered by not bothering to do the exams which she asked for. Why? Because she was too hungover the first time to make it and the second was because she "missed the bus". Only cost £150 for each non attendance.

Our child has been in nursery for 6 months and my ex did not even manage to get a single job interview. She was outraged when her jobseekers allowance was stopped because it had been 6 months. I completely agreed with it being stopped.

However she had managed to watch all 6 series of LOST, 4 series of Mad Men and Hollyoaks most nights as well the evening soaps.

As for the tied to a child for life comment. What kind of a father can I be to a newborn who I wasn't even spend a night with until the child is 13 months old?