A devastated dad - need advice

[DevDad]

Hey all, I have been doing some research and reading online and I thought I would post my background to see if anyone can offer some advice or guidance as well as the articles I have read. Here goes...

I am a serving soldier with a dedicated army house (rental) which I lived in with my wife, daughter (17 months) and dog.

My wife recently had her 12 week scan for our second baby and then declared that week that she hated me and wanted to leave. She phoned her family, they picked her and my daughter up that night (May 22) and they have not returned since. A few quick facts.

Assets

*Wife has not worked in over 2 years including 6 months unemployment benefit
*I am the sole earner (32K annum)
*No savings
*No property
*1 vehicle on HP in my name 50% paid but DVLA registered to her

I contacted her the morning after she left and she confirmed via email that she had legal counsel via legal aid and her family had given her the cash deposit for a new house in their vicinity.

We argued, many horrible words exchanged until I agreed she could take the majority of the furniture from the house.

Possessions

I had to go away for 9 days on a charity trek (raising money for the hospital that operated on my daughter) and in that time she returned to the house and took everything of value however she told the Army she had moved out 3 weeks previous to her return with family members and a van. She told me that her solicitor instructed her it was fine as the possessions were 100% hers and 100% mine so first come first served.

I have returned to an empty shell of a home which requires cleaning and repairing in order to be of a standard suitable for the Army to take it back.

When prompted for communication she tells me constantly to "go through her lawyer" about even the most trivial items.

Children

I used a CSA calculator on the website and offered her the amount they suggested which she has accepted via private arrangement (bank transfer) and I have paid the first month however she has threatened to go to the CSA if it is not paid before the 2nd of every month. I asked for the address where my daughter is staying which she has refused to give. I informed her that I would pay CSA in full but only in cheque (as is my right per the CSA website) sent to her home. She has written back that she will forego the money and go to the CSA direct.

2 weeks ago I was in the area where she stays and asked to see my daughter at 6pm to which she replied it was too disruptive to her routine and refused to allow me to see her.

I told her that seeing her father was more important that "in the night garden" but she persisted and has now claimed that 2 solicitors and a social worker have confirmed that she was right to deny access and I should only see our child at the mandated times she has stipulated in the divorce papers which I have not received yet.

Filing for divorce

My stbx has ordered me to sign the papers and when I refused the sent me an email claiming that her solicitor had told her that bailiffs will visit my workplace with the papers and force me to sign. I could either do it "the easy way or the hard way".

I don't drink, smoke, adulterate or subject her to any violence and I have a sterling military record including a special security clearance with very deep background checks. I think she may claim unreasonable behaviour however I am not sure on what grounds. I have already told her I am making her wait the full five years.

I have neglected her for the PC quite a bit when immersed in my own projects.

My questions are thus -

1. Is she required by law to give me her new address where my daughter is a resident? She is refusing so far.

1. Can I demand receipts for what she spends the CSA money on as she has been a habitual drug user in the past and frequent abuse of alchohol.

1. If her family have furnished her with a cash gift to rent a property / buy a property is that a git to the married couple or soley to her?

1. Can she deny me unscheduled visitation to my daughter as Army life can be very unpredicatable and last minute with frequent changes of plan.

1. She is refusing to sign the car over to me in regards to the DVLA despite repeated requests since the tax is due in 11 days. Can I force her to do this in any way?

1. Will she have an entitlement to my future monetary bonuses in the Army which are paid for continued service

1. Is she legally allowed to return to a matrimonial home after confirming in writing she has left and take items without me being there?

1. We have numerous joint bills including an outstanding e.on bill for over £500 in both of our names which she is refusing to pay. I am also liable for the HP agreement on the car and the repair and cleaning bills for the house. Does she need to contribute?

I am quite devastated at the turn of events and have emailed her some nasty remarks. She admitted that she stayed with me until she was pregnant again purely so that she did not have 2 children by different fathers and left me pretty much on the day that the second child was confirmed as healthy.

I have no real premises with which to visit or see my daughter and have been reduced to jungle jims for an afternoon.

:-(

In March 2012 (not that far away) I return to Afghanistan for 6 months so will pretty much not meet the newborn at all and I am certain (having known her) that by the time I return at Christmas 2012 that she will have someone else living there and parenting my daughter.

At this stage I feel like walking away from everything including my little girl and just letting them get on with their lives.

Any and all advice appreciated, even criticism.

That may be but that does not make it okay, this mans life has just been ripped apart, then he gets ripped apart some more on here. That makes me sad.

I didn't rip him apart yet he was aggressive to me.

I wasn't just talking about you specifically, please don't feel I'm being personal towards you. He posted in legal, not relationships or aibu. I just don't feel the posts started off very nicely from the get go.

And he asked me some very personal questions which were put in an aggressive insulting manner and I replied. He hasn't come back to acknowledge that reply.

SDIDW Surely the OPs stbx can't just get her solicitor to send the baliffs or a court server in to get him to sign documents?? Surely its the court that are the only ones who can order this. This case does not appear to have gone anywhere near a court yet.

thanks yearning. It sounds to me as though the OPs stbx was just bullshitting (should have been stars there)

No he wasn't bullshitting. Any Petitioner can ask the court to send them the papers so that they can instruct their own process server to serve the Respondent personally.

Can I just say that DevDad has posted on legal so the personal attacks are a bit unwarranted. I haven't responded as his original post was far too long and in my spare time I can't be arsed dealing with an entire case that he really ought to see his own solicitor about. But his wife sounds a bit of a cow to be honest. There are ways you can go leaving someone that doesn't wind them up and inflame the situation. If she had a shred of decency about her she would have organized regular contact between OP and the children and not posturing like a complete knob about what she can take at will from the family home.

OP - just go and see a solicitor and don't come back to this post. It's taken on a life of it's own and can't be useful to you. PM me if you want with details of where you are and I might be able to recommend someone decent to you.

sorry - she wasn't bullshitting

Wow! Soo much projection and double standards on this thread!

This is legal matters not AIBU!

Good luck OP, It really sucks but you will get past this....because you have to.

Hope you have a nice visit with your daughter on sunday.

fuckmepink

"No one is perfect. If you truly had done nothing wrong and were absolutely perfect your wife wouldn't have left. Fact. You sound like my ex. You sound selfish, entitled, and you sound like you don't value the contribution your wife has made in rearing your child for the last couple of years."

A bit of history re-writing by you considering the above...

Feeling better today. Have managed to avoid contacting the stbx and the need to vent is wearing off as well.

Missing my daughter like mad though. Maybe these women are right though. Maybe I did drive her away. Who knows.

On a secondary note, thanks to everyone for their contributions. All of my questions have been answered and I guess life will continue.

This will be my only brief but raw experience with mumsnet I think :-)

That's a shame devdad. Although we did get you to a solicitor pronto which is one good thing to come out of a very strange and atypical thread.

Do remember though - while you should never break a promise to a child generally, now you're a non-resident parent it becomes essential. If you say you're going to be there at 3, you need to be there at 2.57 at the latest.

There's an excellent book, Raising Happy Children which has a chapter on helping children cope with separation / divorce.

It seems to me you should:

Accept the fact you're not going to see much of your children, pay a good percentage of your salary for the next eighteen years or so, lose half your pension, lose your possessions, another man will be the 'Dad' and see more
Of your children than you will, and get informed he's more of a Dad than you'll ever be.

But you should quietly take it like a man and not be bitter as you probably deserved it.

You're not the first Dad I've seen treated like this on here, good job you didn't leave her as the thread would have exploded.

As a Dad who has our children more than 50% of the time, my advice would be see them as much as you can, don't play games, and wait as they get older they'll make their own minds up, don't let yourself become written out of their lives.

Good luck.

DEv Dad

So sorry to hear of your situation. Even more sorry that you've had to reasd some of the horrible posts on here. Am quite convinced that if you'd been a woman and had child and possessions taken off you there would be more sympathy - disgusting.

Best of luck with your new life it was unexpected but you seem like you will make the best of it. Sorry yiou're missing your little girl. Can't imagine if my little girl was taken away like that, not to mnetion the new sibling.

Not everyone will think about youu like on here - its not your fault and it does sound like your ex wife has treated you terribly.

Delete this thread from your stuff and don't use Mumsnet - it really is full of people with little sympathy and tactless judgmental comments.

Hope you get some confort from the few postives on here.

Unfair posts guys. Yes there has been some nasty posts but there have also been some supportive ones and good advice.

Devdad, am pleased you've had some time to think. There is nothing wrong with being angry and hurt, just rant to friends and family not her.

Sorry if you feel unable to back to mumsmet as you would get a lot of support here, there will always be those that will have ago, either because they see similarities with thee own life it that's the way they are, but you can just ignore them

Mindy - I commented based on what DevDad had said in his OP and how he had written in response to other posters. He then personally attacked me. And he hasn't responded to direct questions he asked me where I posted answers which were difficult and hard to post but I did so honestly and openly.

And for the record, I am glad that he has calmed a little and hope that the advice he gets from his solicitor will enable him to move forward and have good, consistent, on-going access to his daughter. As I have said repeatedly his wife is totally wrong to have denied him this access.

Megoran - I asked you rhetorical questions in the same way you asked me about my wife leaving implying it was my fault and her decision was to be respected without judgement.

You compared me to a man who raped and beat you and controlled your life calling me selfish and entitled.

How did you think this thread was going to play out after that?

I am sorry you were treated that way and your ex sounds like a coward. But I am not him and for you to claim that I am similar to him based on a 500 word paragraph...you were simply wrong.

Furthermore, my stbx never worked when the baby arrived. She only worked part time until she fell pregnant. My little girl was born 18 months ago and has been in nursery for 6 months. In those 6 months my stbx raised her beautifully (I will admit) but as a wife and partner in this marriage she contributed very little. I separate the duties of a mother and wife, they are distinctive and you can do one without the other.

Am I hung up on money? No. Not so much money but I think families have a duty to work hard and better themselves. I am working class (trucker driver dad / factory worker mum) and by studying and working I managed to move up to lower middle (non commissioned officer). Ideally I want my daughter to build on that and move into law or medicine and her children can move even further up the ladder of success (business owners, higher management). That is how families are built. However if they choose art of drama that will be fine, at least I will be secure enough to support their ambitions.

I sacrificed for my career, I gave up much of the things young people enjoy and part of me feels like my stbx had a great time, saved nothing, invested nothing, studied nothing and then wandered into a man who was progressing financially.

I hoped she would be willing to work or study but I was mistaken.

If that is selfish then I am selfish and unapologetically so.

I don't hate her, I love her...I just wish I didn't love her. Things would be a lot easier weak smile :-)

Love is a fucker ain't it?

Long Tall Josie - thank you for the book. I will pick up a copy today. I read volumes every week but it never even occurred to me to pick up a book on children during divorce or single parenting.

If anyone else can recommend literature then I would be all ears. Wikivorce was very helpful.

My pleasure

Oh, by the way, I'm not sure whether anyone else has answered this upthread, and I'm no legal expert, but I'm pretty sure any money she is given my her family before you are divorced counts in the final settlement, so she could be forced to give you half of her assets if she wants to make a play for half of yours.

I only know this because a friend of mine recently separated from her husband, and her father has temporarily written her out of his will until her divorce is final, as it is entirely possible that he may die and she may receive a lump sum before her divorce is finalised. They have apparently been advised that her exH can claim half of it, even though they have been separated for ages. The money has been transferred (in the will) into her siblings' names, with a caveat that they must gift it back to her once her divorce is complete.

In fact, in the above situation, there is a belief that the exH in question is dragging his heels over the divorce because he is waiting for this inheritance by proxy.