Really hurt by comments about our family size

[NotaFreeloader]

On announcing my pregnancy I have comments from 4 different people 2 question have I decided to have another just so I ‘don’t have to work’
Another saying we just want a bigger house
Then someone else saying I must not have been careful with contraception- this was a planned baby

For a start yes I do intend to work once the youngest is at school. Whenever that may be and I have a Dh who works and supports us
I don’t want to move we have plenty of room
If I worked now it’d cost the government a LOT for helping with childcare so it’s not that I’m costing ‘the taxpayer’ money

Why can’t people just say congratulations and mind their own business

Yes the contraceptive comments 😳 I found that a bit intrusive !

What does really annoy me is that people who have children pay NOTHING in council tax for the facilities which their children use. And kids suck up resources like sponges. In effect every one who has a child is freeloading off single person households. The latter take up the least of local resources but subsidise every one else.

@Myfriendanxiety
Therefore is lower than the market value of rent.... and therefore is technically subsidised.
That's really not what 'subsidised' means
Aldi 'Wheat Biscuits' aren't subsidised because they are cheaper than Nestle 'Weetabix'
The non-profit playgroup isn't subsidised because it is cheaper than the private day nursery.

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna

"I have 3 children. I cost the tax payer nothing."

They don't go to state school? you use private Dr and dentist? never once used the library? Never claimed childcare vouchers or child benefit? Never used the local council run park/swimming pool? Never used the roads with your kids??

@CaryStoppins that's a brilliant analogy!

OP your thread is in the trending section at the moment so there will be people who haven’t seen the topic and assume it’s an AIBU as they are normally the trending threads.
Large families. I consider myself to have been part of a larger family having 3 siblings. Tbh I wish my mum had stopped at 2 (even though that would mean technically I wouldn’t be here).
Everything felt a struggle. Time, money, attention, clothes, food. You name it. Everything was a competition.
Not that it matters, but they owned their own home and both worked full time.
I do raise an eyebrow if I see someone with 5 or 6 children, purely based on my own experience.
I would never make those sorts of comments though and the people that do are being rude.
I like the suggestion of just responding with “well that’s rude” if anyone says anything like that in the future.

Oh I assumed aibu/chat etc was placed higher for more traffic

I have 11 dc.. Stopped giving a shit about what anyone else thinks many dc ago..

Why can’t people just say congratulations and mind their own business

Honestly, I would say congratulations... but I would secretly be thinking some of the things others have said to you. I wouldn’t actually say it to you because it’s rude and like you say, none of my business.

I dont understand why you are taking such comments so personally. I did have a baby because I felt like having a break from work, but if that's not the case for you then just say no.

Congratulations 🎉

Ignore any negative comments. Some people are just arseholes.

Fuck them OP. I had this when I announced my third and fourth. I dont care. My kids are wonderful and While I could have had a much better standard of living with just two, I would have had an even better stabdard of living with NONE. Four worked for us and I am so glad that we had them. I am also in social housing ( and this will really make people froth at the mouth) and was lucky enough to swap up to a 5 bed a good few years ago. Its massive, I have a roof garden off my 6mx4m bedroom, a large back garden, front garden and drive way and a garage. Excellent schools within 5 minute walk and my rent is £98 a week. I now have a spare room, soon to be 2 as the kids are growing up and I have no intention of moving house. This is my home.

Social housing is not subisidised. Private rentals are over priced as they are privately owned and are in it for proffit. If the councils started building 200,000 social houses a year like they did after the war 75 years ago then private owned houses would drop in value as demand lessened. THAT is why very few places continue to build social housing. But in our area we have had a massive amount of new build council and HA housing built over the last 5 years.

I think a number of posters really don’t understand how housing associations and social housing works financially. I suggest reading up on it might help - but where do posters actually think funds come from for social housing? Not out of thin air. Everything has a cost.

Bubbles buddy, in my area the council reinvest the money from housing stock sale. And even if money comes from the government, those homes are paid for very quickly through rent over 15-25 years. People continue to live in them for long after and so they are a sound investment, even with the 10 yearly update schemes etc.

Social housing associations get grants from the government. In the last 10 years these have shrunk as you might expect. If the government had not kick started such projects, why would anyone bother if the financial model didn’t work? It doesn’t work so well now and some housing associations are standing right back from their remit to provide houses for rent. They have to borrow money because rent income has fallen.

@IAmReporting Yes! I was in a similar position. Lived in a council house since the age of 19. I was single then too with no children. Just lucky there wasn't a waiting list in my area. Met DP had 2 children. We both work ft and pay full rent and CT. We were never going to move. Didn't have a deposit and saving just never really happened. I wasnt going to leave my home to pay more rent with a private landlord. Does anyone actually do that!? Me and my DP were both made redundant in Sept and got really good pay outs, so we took the plunge and put it down on our own house. But if that hadn't happened we would still be in my council house.

No. The vast majority of money from right to buy goes to the government. The Guardian article attached from 2019 makes this clear.

So you're not claiming tax credits etc? No child benefit? I don't think so. There is absolutely no need on this earth to have 5 kids

I honestly felt like doing a hypothetical assessment on something like entiltledto or a benefits calculator to show how much MORE we would cost if I claimed childcare

This sounds extreme, and I'm glad you caught yourself before doing it as it really isn't anyone else's business and you don't have to present a business case to friends and family to persuade them that you're not a bad person!

I can see why it would be hurtful when you're telling people good news and they're being shitty back.

I also think it's easier to get upset by these kinds of things and to dwell on them more during lockdown as people are having limited social interactions so the ones they do have become more significant.

But seriously, try not to dwell on it - it's not about you. They've told you who they are, so listen to them. You now know not to be too open with these people as they're not rooting for you and they make you feel bad.

@SheSaidNo there is absolutely not need for your comment either

The housing associations run by getting rents and sales. The rents are lower than private rents. The rents though are not producing enough income to build more homes without sales and borrowing. If sales stall and housing associations are risk averse, it’s difficult to see how many homes will be built to reach government targets. Of course some people in some areas get lucky but there is a housing crisis in many areas and families are waiting a long time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! It isn’t anyone else’s business and people who are saying things to you must have very boring lives to be fixated on yours.

When I was pregnant with DD4 we had lots of comments about how she must have been an accident/contraception failure. It was so hurtful to me that people made these assumptions about a very much planned and wanted baby, but at the end of the day because are going to think whatever they want to think and there’s absolutely no way of changing that

We have a nation where tax supports everyone. So no children or 5, the state recurved tax and spends it on families. Benefits, schooling, nhs, etc. Larger families just get more bang for their buck from the state and run bigger gas guzzling cars!

We only get tax credits for 3 children you could t claim anymore after a certain date for children born after then

The usual MN crap about social housing, it’s not subsidised it’s fair priced unlike the insane private let market.
I don’t know if it’s an English thing but there seems to be really skewed nasty attitudes to social housing, plenty of people in social housing work full time it’s not for unemployed only.
If you work in a low paid job (not MN 100k salary) you’ll never afford a mortgage in many areas.
When you’re out clapping keyworkers remind yourself many of them live in social housing.