How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

[AnotherStitchInTime]

I was you until this time last year when I found out I was pregnant with dc3, a boy.

I only found out at 3 months pregnant because I had only had one period since dd2 wasborn. I always wanted 3, after dd2 I kind of felt like I wasn't done, but DH was reticent as he has two older children. I think deep down we both wanted it to happen though as we dtd unprotected.

I had two previous EMCS and was going to try for VBAC again, but had placenta praevia with accreta/percreta so had an ELCS. Risk for that happening after only 1 cs is much lower. I had a long recovery due to an emergency hysterectomy to save my life during the operation and a big scar down the middle of my abdomen and an overhang, BUT you know what 5 months on I have a beautiful baby in my arms. Everything I went through is worth it.

Mine are nearly 5, 2 and 5 months old.

[Molotov]

Thank-you fot sharing your message, Stitch. At 5m post-partum, it's still relatively early days for you. I imagine what you went through would have been at least intimidating, and at most, very frightening indeed. I sincerely hope that you are okay and that you are recovering from all that you have been through x

Meanwhile, I found that Leigh East's book Cesarean Birth: A positive approach to preparation and recovery^ was extremely valuable when preparing for dd2's birth. I know there is a section in there about VBAC vs repeat CS. If we have another baby, I'm pretty sure I would request a repeat CS but I need to know what I'm risking. I need a tangible idea of what the risks are.

I remember sitting there with my OB at 34w with dd2 and almost in tears trying to get that CS agreed. He said to me: 'Look, statistics are all very well and good but it either will happen, or it won't. It's either going to happen to you, or it isn't. And when you leave this room, I'm going to be speaking to another lady and needing to convince her about the reasons why she needs a section."

I still don't know if I ever found this useful and comforting, or if it just made me feel worse.

He was an excellent surgeon. My logical brain tells me that if I ever have another baby, he should deliver him/her. Very senior consultant; teaches in Ob/Gyn; low infection rates. But it was such a roller coaster ... he made me feel so bad requesting that CS. And totally diamissive of my coccyx damage. I feel that is because not enough is known aboit childbirth and coccydynia, but now I'm rambling, sorry.

I've just checked and seen that he still works where dd2 was born.

[AnotherStitchInTime]

Molotov, there are some figures about praevia and accreta here in the RCOG guidance that I found useful.

If you were to get pregnant you could speak to the midwives at booking in to find out which consultants are less pro-vbac if you want an elcs. There should be less argument this time as you have had one section anyway with the same reasoning. If you are not going to be at the same hospital get a copy of your notes from the old one so the new consultant can see them.

With regard to consultant, with my second EMCS a registrar did my surgery. Consultants only tend to get involved in very high risk situations. If it is a lower risk elcs the consultant may be around, but not actually do the surgery anyway. Or another consultant could be on duty that day.

I found positive thinking and preparation in the form of reading and researching really helped me too.

[AnotherStitchInTime]

Also NICE has some figures and a comparison table of risks and benefits for vbac vs planned cs in their cs guidance here.

[Molotov]

Thanks for those links, Stitch. I think it is important for me to get a handle on the risks for a 2nd CS. I know that a third baby would be our last - I knew when deciding to have dd2 that I would only ever have perhaps one more CS.

It's different though, when thinking towards something becoming a reality.

Thanks again

[Theas18]

3 is grand BUT if you need clomid again remember DC 3 may well be DCs 3 and 4.... and all the complication that rosy thought will bring.

My 2p, don't rush in. Our 3rd is 3.5yrs younger than no 2 ( with the standard 2.5yr gap between 1 and 2).

Much easier with bigger schoolies/nearly schoolies to cope with a newborn.

and.. at the other end, teenage years that are spaced out a bit is good too- we have 3 school years between them all and so never have we had GCSEs and A2 at the same time. That really helps!

[Molotov]

Nature is a cruel fucking beast.

My periods have been quite regular since dd2 was born. This month, after having unprotected sex within days of ovulation, I thought I'd got lucky as my period was late. I was going to do a test this Friday. I was feeling quite excited about the fact I might be pg (especially so quickly!)

Bastard fucking period came full force this morning. I feel down about it; my belly aches. I feel tearful and a bit lonely (stupid hormones).

I've been picturing dd2 as a big sister and although I got a bit worried again by the idea of another cs last night, I glanced at my tummy and had a nice thought that a baby might be there.



Stupid, I've got two already! I just made the fatal error of getting my hopes up.

Well, at least I know now that I do actually want another child. That's a good thing to have come from this late period. Definitely not going to use condoms this month. Gonna give it a year and see what happens.

[Molotov]

Painkillers have kicked in and I've had some comfort food: hot buttered toast with lemon curd, about to be washed down with a cup of tea

I'd worked out that 'the baby' would have been born in March.

It didn't help that I was at a thing this morning at dd's school where parents/grandparents could attend, but no-one could make it from our family. That normally wouldn't be an issue but it was for me today.

Someone had a beautiful bump there; lots of young babies who dd2 was fussing over; a mum bf'ing a tiny baby.

I had hoped I wouldn't get like this again as it nearly broke me last time ttc dd2. My poor dh. He's put up with a lot from me and many black moods when my period has come. How do we ttc, but it not take over? (I mean, I know the answer: just have sex frequently and don't think about getting pg).

This was one of the main reasons why I've been indifferent to a 3rd baby, I think. Why I've pushed it out of my head ans thought around it so much ... last time was just punishing. I realise I am so fortunate to have two, of course. But the prospect of getting pg again makes me wish we could just dtd and get pg; not this epic month-after-month cycle. I do so hope that another baby happens quickly.

[Longines]

Wishing you all the luck in the world now.

I am glad you finally realised why you were so torn about having a third. I'd say count your blessings every day, develop a zen attitude, and have lots of sex. You're only 31 (I think to remember) so you still have time on your side. I'd say it will happen. But of course it is up to you how that time will be spent...

Again, good luck!

[Passthebiscuitspls]

Molotov well one thing has been cleared up like you say! you know now that you definitely want #3 which you were initially unsure of! So that's progress! And yes, Mother Nature is a bitch! ;)

I totally know how hard it is to not let TTC consume you, I am one of the worst contenders in doing this. But for your sanity, you need to take this relaxed route, especially as you were in for the long haul last time. In my experience, it's when you chill out and focus on other things that it happens. No condoms, lots of sex and maybe another project to keep you busy perhaps?

I wish you all the luck in the world, and congrats that the decision has been made!

Xx

[Molotov]

Had unprotected sex again last night. Just got caught in the moment and didn't insist on using anything. I was on CD#4, so extremely unlikely to result in a pg.

I felt fine afterwards; didn't freak out like I did the other week. But I woke at 1 and 3 and 6am feeling uneasy: how would I juggle 3? Would it ruin the sisterly bond my two girls are developing? They're about to get bunk beds: someone would be left out (yes, it's getting that silly).

Is this a common thing? I know if I found out I was expecting #3, I'd be really, really happy. But why do doubts beset me in the dark?

[MrsApps3]

Molotov, You replied on a thread I started at the start of the year where I was debating having a third. I had similar worries, and was wondering if it was the right thing to do and how would things work. Anyway, my husband agreed we could go for it and I started freaking out a bit, and said we would start trying in the summer! Any how, unexpectedly in March I got a BFP which was from a one off no contraception time, about 5/6 days before ovulation when I'd thought we would be safe! I have to say I don't think I would have ever got over the doubts enough to decide to properly do it, but had decided to just see what would happen later in the year as after over a year of debating it I knew it must be something I really wanted and was I unlikely to get over soon! I must admit I did freak out a bit when I got my BFP, not least as I'm due near Christmas and my ds1s birthday so not ideal timing! However, I am really excited about it and it's a real relief not to be thinking about having another or not! Also lots of my worries don't seem so big now and seeing my boys getting excited about the baby and my now growing bump is just lovely.
I would say, just go for it as I think like me if not you will always wonder. xxx

[Molotov]

I'm just swinging dtamatically between 'let's just see what happens; a gang of 3 will be ace' to 'fuck, fuck, fuck, NO!!!'. Daytime thoughts and daydreams are beautiful; I imagine my third child being a boy. Nighttime is scary. I think of giving birth; of cesarean section. Of recovery. Of managing 3 children on my own and it's freaky stuff. But then, one last go at pg Of having a newborn The first year My girls having a baby bro or sis ... gah ...

[Molotov]

Thank-you and congratulations, MrsApps x

[Molotov]

I'm on CD#9 now and we have had unprotected sex again a couple of times. I'm genuinely struggling to decide whether to refrain from doing so for the next few days, but there is a part of me that wants to go with the flow.

[TheGoshawk]

molotov I've been following this thread and had to post.

I've spent my life being impulsive and rash, excitable and lacking in caution. Now, at 34 I have learned, and am starting to listen to, my actual instincts about things. Unaffected by ego, pride, excitement, hype, other people, ambition, whatever. It's the voice that comes to me at night. It wakes me up as it doesn't get a look in at other times!

I've even started trying to write to myself if I wake in the night, to dissuede mysel from doing something thrilling which during the day I'm excited about!

I can only say, the things I've been in utter torment about, but had anxieties about at night, have mostly turned out to be regrettable, and my life has been made harder as a result. There have been many! If in doubt, change 'owt!

That's my view and reading your posts, I just wanted to share it. Good luck with whatever you decide but don't be afraid of changing your mind.

[Molotov]

Goshawk, thank-you for yoir message. I've been thinking about it and I'm sure I'll continue to mull it over during the course of the next few days.

You've struck a chord and given me pause for thought; although I remember lying awake at night after my 12 and 20wk scans with dd2, wondering how this would all affect dd1 - and dd2 was the most wanted baby in the whole world.

I also had a week or so of restless/sleepless nights before my impending ELCS (restless nights were from 20w worrying about mode of delivery, if I'm completely truthful). Maybe it's me processing all the information? Fear? Fear of the unknown? I don't know if it's an internal voice/gut instinct guiding me, or fear of all that can go wrong.

That said, I still appreciate your comment and will think more about what you've said.

[TheGoshawk]

I know what you mean. I do worry about things at night a lot. But I worry deeply about some unmade decisions which, by day, I mostly think I'm very keen on (usually stuff I'm excited about). I don't know, it's so hard because its a massive decision either way.

[Grannyapple]

Hi, just read this thread & wanted to post.

I'm currently pg with no 3 (26wks)...ds1 is 3.5yrs & Dd is 1 at the end of this month. No 3 wasn't planned (got caught out the one time we didn't use anything), but I had a yearning after no 2 that I wasn't quite done. Then had the chat with DH who said defo no more as he'll be 40...found out on valentines day (3 days after his 40th!) that we were expecting no 3. I was in shock & denial for 2 days (I had got rid of all our baby stuff as though DD was our last, but thankfully only gave the stuff to my best friend who's giving it all back in October!).

But I'm one of 2, DH is one of 5...so 2 was my ideal, but 3 will just enrich our lives.

DS & DD get on so well (at the moment) that I think no 3 will just slot in. Don't get me wrong...I'm terrified at the prospect of having 3 under 4 but DS starts school next year, so it will mean a few more years of nappies etc but I'm sure will be worth it in the long run.

In a way, the way it happened for us meant decision was kinda made for us (plus I had a double buggy for DD's arrival but hardly got used...someone said it was fate ).

The one thing I have noticed is that so far, child no 3 is the most expensive...new car needed & we've had to get some building work done to make our 2 bed flat into 3 bedrooms. But as someone else said, if we all made rational decisions based on money, lifestyle etc then we'd all decide & probably stop at 1!

A few friends who have 3 say it's manic for the first few years but all so worth it...& going from 2-3 kids is much easier than going from 1-2...so I'm going with that mantra .

Good luck with your TTCing...I've been lucky enough not to have fertility issues but I found TTCing so draining via you get caught up in that whole cycle watch, timing it etc...only took 3-4 months for both of mine previously but I always found Mother Nature was a bitch & played with my periods just to confuse & infuriate me during the TTC phase. On the plus side (& with hindsight) I took it as a sign that body was getting prepared to host another baby!

Good luck with everything & I'll keep checking in x

[Molotov]

Just wanted to check in. I'm not pg; didn't expect to be this month but after a 33 day cycle in June, this month's cycle was 26 days. I must have ovulated around CD#12, and last had unprotected sex on CD#10 (when I thought it was 'safe'). Looks like it was well within a timeframe to conceive ... but pg doesn't happen like that for me!

It's CD#4 of a new cycle, anyhow. Who knows what will happen? I don't think this potential third child is one who might be planned! My cycles are clearly somewhat unpredictable!

[Molotov]

Woah, tough day! Please excuse me venting.

A day with MIL at our house. She's lovely, we usually get on but some gripes of mine about her is that she thinks she knows she's right and she is brutally honest.

Both dds have been hard work today as they're both going through challenging phases: dd1 is 5 going on 15 and can be very cheeky to me. Dd2 is 2 and having quite violent temper tantrums complete with throwing and biting. Both girls acted up today.

There was an ad on TV with a cute, tiny baby. Dd2 is baby crazy and I'm wistful for the comparative peace of a newborn (!)

Dd2: Oh! Mum! Baby!
Me: Oh, we love babies, don't we dd2!!
MIL: Yes [shoots a look to me] but they grow.

Okay ...

She doesn't know what is going on in my head. Maybe my softness around babies is telling. Just a minor thing that bothered me today during what has been quite a stressful day!

[Misfitless]

She sounds on a par with my MIL, Molotov!

Hello - I was the first person to post on this thread months ago, I think.

Exciting to think that you know what you want and you're going for it!

I will keep everything crossed.

If it's any consolation, I used to lie awake trying to work out how we would all fit together, and going through imaginary scenarios with each of my pregnancies.

It's a time like no other, I think!

[Molotov]

CD#11 yesterday. We had unprotected sex. But I keep waking in the night feeling stressed out about how I would cope with my two demanding girls (both are very demanding of me physically, emotionally and mentally atm. I can't remember if I have said it before but I'm taking a career break and am a SAHM now).

I think I'd love another baby, but the realities of being ...

[just been interrupted by a squabble over who gets the blanket]

... pg and still having to look after my daughters freaks me out at night. When would I get time for a breather with a newborn, too? But if we don't do it soon, I know I'll talk myself out of it. I know I'd be delighted if I became pg again, so these extreme swings are so confusing.

Then my rational brain kicks in and I think even if I got pg tomorrow, dd2 would be 3yo and almost at nursery every morning.

Maybe the school holidays and constant tantrums from 2 young children are getting to me? I remember caring for them was so easy when they were newborn and 3yo; last year at 4yo and 1yo. This is the first year with them when I could happily shut myself in the cupboard under the stairs sometimes. My life with them is a bit of a rollercoaster atm - they're full of love and pure joy one minute, then rage and tantrums the next.

I hope it's not just me who feels like this

[workingonitagain]

Hi molotov just wanted to say good luck with dc3. Smeone said to me if you are thinking there is nothing to think about! I wonder how many people who thought about having dc3 decided not to go ahead . Your MIL post made me laugh my mil is one i have never heard or seen before. 65 and i had to ask to get changed before taking kids to playground as was wearing neon pink seethrough tshirt with a black bra and denim hot pants half jokingly i said nana we are not going to. Rave party but she said everyone wears this colour these days!! Anyway her comment after she asked if o would have another one and i said no was "good" annoyed the hell out of me but she is a bit clueless os not much point in getting an argument with her! Good luck hope you get a bfp soon xx

[Molotov]

It dawned on me today that I'm at some sort of crossroads which is causing me to feel quite stressed. On the one hand, have another baby - and all of the implications that brings - or, don't have any more - and the sfinality that brings.

I realised this whilst out today dealing with my 2yo's tantrums as I tried to get her into her pushchair; seeing many women calmly walk past us with their young babies in prams.

I mean, in 6m or so dd2 won't be in her pushchair I'm only 31 and feel sad about never having another baby. But that's not a reason to have another baby ...

Gah ...