How does a 3rd baby/child change things?

[Molotov]

It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).

Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:

• How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
• A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
• I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)

We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.

If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?

Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?

I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.

I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.

Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )

[shinynewname]

I was all totally no yesterday, after traipsing round the shops with the two of them.

DS1 has been soooo nice to his little brother today though. So sweet :)

DS2 loves his 'babies'

Now I'm all maybe again. Meh.

[Molotov]

shiny, you stole my days! That's what it's like here right now!

[shinynewname]

DS1 has been looking after DS2 again this morning. He's also been tucking DS2's doll into bed nicely.

He also took it apart and showed him that 'baby is not really talking DS2, look here's the speaker inside'

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

I've been following this thread for a while, as I'm trying to get my head round whether we should go for no 3. We have a 1 year old and a three year old, and I'd love one more. I think..! For all your reasons molotov, I do want another and don't. My Dh is fairly adamant he only wants two, but I think if I was really keen he'd do it. But that makes it worse as if it's awful it'd be my fault (if that makes sense?!)

[Sootball]

I think I think of having another at least ten time a day. Visited friends today, one has just had her third, and the other has a third the age of my second (15m)

Both say how hard it is.

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

Do they say it gets easier, like it does with your second? Now we're through the first year with ds2, I can see that the awful time end which is why I can consider a third. For some unknown reason, people saying its hard doesn't put me off, which is utterly ridiculous as two little ones has been and is bloody tough! So three must be impossible..

[Molotov]

I'm still feeling conflicted and like others have said, change my mind from minute-to-minute on any given day. It's on my mind a LOT now. Probably because I conceived dd2 when dd1 was 2.5yo - which dd2 will be this September.

I miss having a baby but I can't work out if I miss having a baby or want an actual other child.

Practically speaking, we are unable to move house just yet. I wonder how responsible it is to have another baby in a house that is already full?

[Misfitless]

Hi Molotov, I was wondering how you're getting on. Nothing to add, just wanted to say hello!

[Molotov]

Hiya, Misfitless, that's nice Saying a big hello back to you!

I'm okay ... like I said, it's just on my mind a lot. My dd2 is almost out of her pushchair and I miss having a baby in a pushchair. That's silly, I know ...

We're making way for bunk beds in the girl's bedroom and the prospect of dismantling/disposing of the cot is making me feel wobbly. I'm very excited about their bunk beds, but am feeling a pang of sadness. You know, what if we don't have another baby?

I'd accept it if we didn't, but I know dh wants to try and that this is all on me.

We recently discovered that we are actually unable to move house, so we're kind of 'stuck' here (for want of a better word) for the time being, whilst thinking of ttc #3 but not really having the space for another child. I mean, circumstances change, but that is an issue.

[Molotov]

Oh, yeah, and I'll tell you something else: ever since I've more seriously been thinking about ttc again (since June), my pre-menstrual symptoms have been so confusing - spotting a good 10 days before af is due; tremendously sore boobs (I even went up a cup size before last af).

Just confusing enough to whet my appetite for pregnancy, iyswim.

[Molotov]

It's like my heart says "go on, try"

And then my what feels like a very stern head then thinks of all these reasons why we should stick at two.

And all these months later I'm non the wiser, stuck in limbo, not really knowing what to do.

[Sootball]

I don't have an answer.

My youngest started walking today (15m) and the memories of her as a baby are fading.

I struggle parenting my oldest, she starts special needs preschool in a few weeks and so out of the house 5 mornings a week, I'll have time with my youngest for the first time since she was 6 months, 9 months ago!

[Misfitless]

Ah...it's such a dilemma, especially if the decision is up to you.

Hi sootball your post made me have a wobble. My DD said the other day,whilst gazing at a very cute baby, "Oh mummy, pleeeeeeease can we have another baby?"

It must be easier when you know that you're "done" (whether that be after 1, 2, 3 or 7) and you and your OH both know in your hearts that you have no yearning for another.

I always wanted 4, but I still get moments where I feel very sad that I won't have another, and that maybe I should have appreciated and valued the babyhood and pre-school years a bit more, rather than letting them whizz by, almost without me having time to stop and enjoy them.

[shinynewname]

Hey Molotov how's it going?

DH and I have found ourselves talking about the possibility of ttc a lot again.

So we're maybe sort of not trying but not trying not to. . .I think.

[Molotov]

Hi shiney, I'm good thanks for asking

I'm just trying to get my head around what I actually want: ainother child or another baby, isywim.

During the day, I think it's another baby/child that I want but I wake up in the middle of the night feeling panicked by all the minute practicalities of having three dcs, such as how would I dress the girls for nursery and school and feed/dress a baby and be out of the house by 8:30? What if one is always left out?

[Molotov]

A friend announced today that she is expecting her third baby.

I am feeling genuinely happy for her, but a little , too.

It's getting to be too much in my head; all this indecision. We went through so much to conceive dd2 that I am frightened of really wanting another child.

That aside, if I did get pg, the realities of being pregnant and giving birth (and first few delicate months post-partum) weigh heavily on my mind.

I know that I adore newborns and young babies. My own dd2 at 2.5yo is currently going through an extremely cute phase ... so I know I adore young children, despite a tough couple of months before she could really understand language.

Anyway, waffling ... I know that I love babies but 3 dcs would be my limit. It's not like I would keep trying to recapture those beaitiful baby days.

I remember feeling so vulnerable being taken down for my ELCS and that is sticking in my head. I remember my recovery (relatively straightforward, no infection, certainly no LT issues) but I'm reluctant to go through that again whilst looking after 2 energetic dcs

Who would mow thw grass?

Who would tidy up all the time?

I know this pales into insignificance next to having a baby but my thought-cycles are ridiculous (well done for getting thia far, btw).

Ridiculous as they are, it is what is making me say to dh "not tonight, dear".

Even before my friend announced her pg, I'd been thinking maybe just go for it over the next 6m and see what happens? If it doesn't, maybe knock the idea on the head? Wasn't meant to be, like?

I have to decide soon because I am driving myself a bit crazy atm.

And don't get me started on needing to get a bit more capital together to move ...

[Molotov]

Woah, that was a long post!

And I've been posting here since April? April?. APRIL.

[Molotov]

And thanks for bearing with me with this. MN is my only real outlet because I drive dh loopy (after giving a condensed version of my worries to him he said "Molotov, we either do it, or we don't." Remember we went through 9m of ttc with dd1 and 2y, including fertility investigations and 6 cycles of clomid for dd2. He wants another dc, but is content with our dds and will happily stick with 2.)

My DM often says how my hands are full. I haven't spoke to her about it cuz I fear what she mighy say (though I think she secretly would like a grandson and I am her only chance of that!!)

[Sootball]

Could have written that post.

I see my friends children and I know that I'd love another child who will forever change the dynamic of our family. And I think about middle child syndrome and about my two who have an atypical sibling relationship.

And then I think about pregnancy. And about delivery. And about my career. And DH (just 40) and the increased risk of complications.

But then I think about regret. Of things I wanted to do and never did. And when asked to draw my future I drew three children, two girls and a baby in a pram.

[Molotov]

Oh Soot < gives a big hug >

My dds are soon to have bunk beds and I wonder if a third dc would spoil that ( ??)

What if one is always left out?

And then I think of regret : I conceived dd2 when dd1 was 2.5yo. What if it takes ages again? I'm 31 now - not old, but not particularly young. The worries I have re my maternal health increase the older I get. So what am I waiting for? Why am I dithering?

[jenniferalisonphillipasue]

I think I am one of the lucky ones who knew they wanted 4. I know now that I am done. I physically and mentally couldn't cope with another one.
I think I found the jump from 2 to 3 hardest. I wanted to appreciate what I thought would be my last pregnancy and baby but I couldn't because I was knackered and had 2 other kids to look after. Ds1 had just started school and we had to get into his routine whilst dd had started nursery which was half days. I felt like ds2 spent his babyhood in a car seat going from place to place (slight exaggeration).
I have found 4 tough going but manageable as I was used to the chaos by then.
I would say if you really want 3 children then go for it. I love them all to pieces and wouldn't change it for the world. However it has been hard and I think it would have been harder if I had regrets and wasn't sure that was what I really wanted.
Good Luck

[Molotov]

Dd1 said to me this morning with no prompting (usually I might ask if she'd like another sister or a brother. She usually says 'NO!') that she would like to have a baby, just as long as it's another sister.

What do you like aboit having a sister?
"There's always someone to play with." She said.

It might be because her friend will have another brother or sister soon, I know that.

But am I actually now taking advice upon this magnitude from my 5yo?

[NeatFreak]

I was exactly the same a couple of years ago. Dd was on juniors, ds had just started reception and we had been talking about it on and off for what felt like ages and ages. I'd go through spells of thinking of course we can cope and that three couldn't be much harder than two then cold sweat moments where I was ridiculously busy and barely coping with two. In the end we decided to see what happened and I got pregnant on the first attempt dd is now fifteen months and is the best thing we ever did. The pregnancy wasn't easy, nor was elcs recovery, not helped by us starting an extension when I was six months pregnant but I love my life. There are big age gaps but all three adore each other. It's hard work at times but I genuinely wouldn't change anything.
Not sure if this helps you or not but I do know how you feel

[Molotov]

That does help, thank-you, Neat. It's a relief to read the contradictory feelings I have are not unique to me. The 'of course I will cope' followed by 'fuckfuckfuck NO WAY' (and your cold sweat description!) are really irrational and odd.

May I ask if the CS was your first CS? If not, how did it compare with your other(s)?

[vdbfamily]

We have 3 kids aged 11,9 and 8 now.I never 'got' the concern people have about odd numbers.My kids all play together (and fight together !!) We look after a friends kid after school several days a week and she just loves being with my 3 (only child) and bundles on the floor with them and roars with laughter through all our meals and I just think how quiet life must be for her at home. Our house is in constant chaos and when we are out we invariably manage to lose one of the kids (usually our son....but he always finds us again!) but we wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't start having kids til I was 34 and if I had found the right man earlier would have liked 4 or 5 as I think larger families are fantastic fun. Go for it Molotov !