Thread 32 | TTC#1 | Making the move from conception to infertility. We've taken some blows but we are not beaten

[Jamon]

Hi all. We're a group of first timers who've been plugging away on the conception boards for some time. The support here is amazing so if you're in a similar boat please jump onboard.

Time to hand hold through treatments and support each other through to becoming the mums we deserve to be 💪🏼🌸🙏🏼

Every cloud Skip and sure its just a case of onwards and upwards - although I know that change is hard to get your head around. Hope you are OK

What a fcuker flora

I feel your pain rustycage!

What an amazeballs story chlo - so glad you got to the bottom of things.
Just noticed that Lister almost opposite IVI on Wimpole Street

Speaking of jobs - I had about 15 minutes yesterday to write a job spec for my own job in order that my boss could request funding past March for it.... talk about "no pressure"!!!!

jamon so pleased counselling went well.

Dates are horrid... My due date was 25/9....

Blimey hep you are right Starky's cub must be nearly 1 - I remember her being such an inspiration at how she just kept going... but in the end you and I have been TTC loads longer!

Yrsterday 11:18

kerry I am very sorry. You will get through this though - a brighter day is waiting for you.

jamon I thought I was your BFF? I could have joined you at the pub ! 🍺

lemony I think it is a good sign consultant wants to see you - if they have identified an issue you will be one step closer to fixing it. Also shows consultant on the ball & interested.

What a fcuker mud
I hope that you get something equally as good.

I am all caught up!!!

Bleeding lightly, sobbing heavily. It never stops hurting does it? Not sure whether to count today as day one. Hoping for fuller flow tomorrow as otherwise weird light period will freak me out and make me think I’ve got lining issues.

Skip that must have been a shock. I hope you’re alright lovely xx

Jamon it said 14units or less a week of alcohol. Not sure he manages that very often... Awaiting DH test results now, due in 2 weeks.

So sorry to hear about your loss Kerry 💐

Urgh I feel your pain Jamon is so hard especially after you've got your hopes up. X

jamon hope you're ok my love. I think it's normal to be v light on day 1. I'm always pretty light and then day 2 it's game over but had everything checked and was told my lining is great (who knew).

I feel like a brat saying it but having my parents are having a big family party soon for anniversary and they've invited some of my friends as they get on well with them too and they're both now bringing their babies because they can't get sitters. I guess I'm being stupid but feels like it just illuminates that me and DH don't have kids. Just feel effed off and not in good mood today generally because of AF and both messaged today saying ok if we bring the babies and thought come on, can't you just get a sitter for one night?? I dunno, maybe I'm just being over sensitive, wouldn't be the first time :)

Jam - I know the feels. You keep telling yourself to not get your hopes up because it will only hurt more when you're out but it doesn't stop your heart tugging on this tiny shred of hope. I don't even want to say that I hope it's implantation bleeding, it feels ridiculous to say that anymore when we all full well what it really is. Please don't cry too much, what have you got planned for the weekend? Anything nice you can book in so that you have something else to focus on?

Chlo - assume they know of your TTC issues then?

Yeah they do. I feel so uptight and anxious in most social situations now, I know it might sound selfish but feel pissed off im going to be worried about feeling like it at my parents party ffs

How are you feeling about job situ now that it's had time to sink in skip? Good that you don't have to see all the preggos but shame as you love the job.

Oh Jam, I'm so sorry about AF. It never gets easier does it? 😘

Sorry about your project skip, what an utter pain in the arse. Hopefully the new role will be just as good though.

Thinking of you lemon, hope you've managed to get an appointment sorted.

Chlo, I know how you feel. My parents had a party for my younger bro and all his friends turned up with their kids. I drank a lot of wine.

Chlo - that seems a little harsh to me, my parents know full well how I'm struggling and I'd be annoyed if they didn't address that kind of thing better than your parents did.
But as you say infertility makes what would be normal a very normal social situation a living hell hole for women like us. I'd suggest having one or two drinks before to relax yourself before the party maybe. I don't know how I feel about this whole job thing. My business is notorious for restructuring and changing its mind on a regular basis so it hasn't surprised me. I guess I should be grateful I have a job but at the moment I'm blind and don't know the job description or title. I won't for a few weeks. Everyone keeps saying that it will be really good for me and the team I'm going into is a progressive team with lots of focus. I just hope it's not stressful as I'm very prone to work stress and that was the reason for me changing my job in the first place.

Caz that’s about 5 pints I think. DH must be double that

Chlo you don’t sound like a brat at all. I’d feel the same way. Family events celebrations anniversaries - all these are harder when we have this huge hole in our lives. Other young families being there is a reminder of what you don’t have. You should be able to enjoy this time with your family and not have this painful reminder. Can you ask them to get a sitter?

Skip I’ve told myself repeatedly since Monday my period is coming my period is coming. I feel like I can’t control my brain though. It jumps to - calling the hospital to cancel IVF, to how far I’ll be along at Christmas, to having a bump at work to when my due date would be. All the while the only deliberate message I’m focusing on is Thjs is PMS. Your period is coming. I’m just so bloody desperate. I feel like I’d give anything. I’m annoyed because I cried a lot on Saturday after bfn and now I’m crying all over again as I’m bleeding. How many times am I going to hurt over this cycle? It’s just another sodding cycle!!

Maybe it’s IVF looming. Perhaps there’s a crazy part of me thinking I’ll be saved from the jaws of the needles by a last hour BFP. What a fool.

Thanks ladies. I left my mums crying today and got in a state about it and felt like I was probably being a dick but it just ruined my day. One friend isn't bringing toddler but said she hasn't got anyone to look after baby and other ones family are coming to party as well so said they haven't got anyone so not a lot I can say back. I did feel a bit annoyed at my mum but what can she do really, not her fault. Family kids are coming such as my cousins kids which I'm fine about. Just something about my friends coming to my parents party with their babies which is upsetting me. Also, my dad's friends daughter has just had ivf baby and he keeps saying to him 'oh tell her to give the old ivf go.' I swear if he says it at the party I'll probably lamp him one!

jam I do exactly the same. I think I actually go a bit crazy.. went on not on high st today looking at stuff for party and it shows what you last looked at it and it had party Pom Poms, balloons, pregnancy announcements, baby journal, nursery prints. I thought Jesus what a crank lol. Got to laugh. I'm feeling pretty weird about the ivf stuff too. Convinced I don't need it deep down for some reason but don't want to get to November and be totally freaked out because hasn't happened. There's got to be a cut off point surely..

Hope it is better for you skip and not too stressful. Do you know what you'll be doing? Do you like the new team?

Oh Jam it's horrible 💐. I know exactly what you mean, I think what if I'm pregnant, when would I be due, would it be too soon to tell people at Christmas, isn't that a nice name for a boy, oh but AF is due and this is never going to happen is it? And on and on. I was starting to think this was my month as I usually start spotting CD25, got to CD28, got excited, went to the loo in work and there's the spotting. I did such a loud groan I'm glad no one was waiting. Back on the Clomid next week. Again. IVF will probably start November or December, funding approved but treatment plan not done yet.

Lemony try to stay calm until appointment. If you have the values from test results maybe someone will have some ideas.

Kerry so so sorry, you poor thing. Sending hugs.

Thanks all for job congratulations. Now got that nervous feeling of what have I done but excited too. PJs I told DH about the other company interested in you and how you'd been honest re IVF and he was like which one of your friends is this, do I know her? I did laugh.

Skip sending strength. I remember when you were starting that job and didn't have the software or something you needed... Hope you enjoy the new role away from the bump club.

Chlo that sounds difficult, like you say family babies / kids are different and felt less like they're rubbing it in. Good luck and walk away if that helpful chap suggests IVF. Up to you if you spill your drink on him! I'd probably do the same as Kath and keep my glass topped up. Good idea Kathy re holding off on IVF for a while if the timing is not good. I am going to delay a few months due to starting new job.

Basset hope you get the green light soon.

Kwick maybe you can meet the Lister ladies in a cafe near your clinics.

Flora sometimes it all sucks. DH's closest female friends have 4 kids each, one with 3 surprises including twins. Really?!

A colleague is pregnant (12 weeks) and rubbing her bump already!

Chocolate lab I love that your name could be a gorgeous dog, or a place where new chocolate is invented.

I can't go back on my phone to look at previous pages without losing this mammoth post so will say good night to all, was it Skip that had the 🐼 panda dream?!

Jam - you're right, that's exactly what it is! I keep telling myself I'll get a surprise BFP before IVF and sometimes I wonder if that's why I have put it off. I still want to believe I can conceive naturally. And why not? It seems in my head like everyone else on the sodding earth can (but I know that's not true). Hope you are okay today, any further bleeding?

Chlo - just give the old IVF a go? Once again, a case of people totally misunderstanding the physical and emotional strain IVF puts on the body. It's not a pill you take. It's a long and demanding process which doesn't even guarantee success. If he says it to you, I would say just that and hopefully he won't open his gob again. I don't have much info regarding the job, won't know my job title or team for a couple of weeks. I appreciate my manager telling me ASAP but I'm off next week and it's going to over shadow it slightly now. Ah well, in a 10 years time I'll be on maternity leave anyway...right? 😂

Kerry - how are you feeling today? Xx

I got my next letter through from the clinic, next appointment is 2nd Jan so they've given me the rest of this year which is awesome.

I meant 10 months time...but obviously my subconscious disagrees.

This

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/06/i-know-the-pain-of-infertility-and-talking-about-it-helps

No event and no end.

Jene that’ll be a similar time to a lot of us, in so sorry others are at that juncture but I’ll be grateful for the support and sharing the experience. We can all hand hold.

Lemony all the distractions you can manage until Saturday xx

Skip it’s the weirdest period - I’m worried it’s affected by how upset and stressed I’ve been. Hardly any blood yesterday not enough for a tampon and today just one clot. No steady flow. Got a cup in so will see how it goes. No cramps either - which is really unusual. I start acupuncture again next week so perhaps that will help. Are you still doing castor massage?

Jam - it's definitely not CD1 for you then. I hope if it's coming, it comes soon. Still doing castor oil yes, probably not as much as a should be. I'm going to do another session tonight and that's probably it for this cycle.

Just saw one of my work colleagues and her 1 year old. This is a baby that let everyone pick him up except me when we met for lunch about 6 months ago. I waved at him and said hello and he gave me the biggest smile ever. It was glorious. My colleague was like "oh my god he doesn't do that to anyone". So feeling happy, despite seeing a baby.

Skip glad the baby decided to bestow a smile on you! How nice. Sorry about the job news though - I find uncertainty really stressful so I hope you're not too stressed.

I'm doing okayish. I'm very upset a lot and I saw my best friend (who's pregnant) last night and found it very upsetting. I just want to sleep and not talk to anyone at the moment except you guys.

That's so nice skip, glad he gave you a little smile 😊

Hope your best friend was understanding kerry. Unfortunately so many people are not..

That article is great jam, puts into words so many of these difficult feelings that we have

Morning ladies,

Chlo meant to say that your comparison about the pain of pregnant women vs. the pain of being single massively rang a bell with me. My most supportive friend throughout all this is single and on occasion she has likened my angst about others seemingly getting pregnant easily with how she feels when yet another massively annoying girl we went to uni with seems to go from boyfriend to married in 5.9 seconds. And I think she's probably right, perhaps it is not as emotional as its not complicated by all the hormones, but it would evoke the same "why not me" feelings. Must say that I do think that your friends are being a bit unreasonable with regards to your parents party... but it just another one of those things whereby you realise that nobody understands.

Urgh to the bump rubbing JeNe - I honestly think that if I ever have one I will only stroke it in private. Weird phrase but I'm not changing it...

Hope you are OK Jam - Day 1 is the absolute worst and you know that, it is just a matter of getting through the next few days. You really are so amazingly strong. That Guardian article ticks all the boxes for me, would be really keen to send it to my MIL but just not quite brave enough for that.

How are the renovations coming Kwick? Any pictures to share?

Things still a bit raw over here and I'm a bit worried about DH, he tried to reach out to his Mum last night and all her responses were just "you need to relax" and "if you are going to have a child, you need to learn to relax" Unexpectedly he was as frustrated by those responses as I was and I think he feels that we are getting distanced from his family - part of that is my fault as I've said that I can't hack seeing SIL this weekend but on the other hand, they never really make the effort to see us either - obviously preferring to spend time with their children that can provide grandchildren.