Thread 32 | TTC#1 | Making the move from conception to infertility. We've taken some blows but we are not beaten

[Jamon]

Hi all. We're a group of first timers who've been plugging away on the conception boards for some time. The support here is amazing so if you're in a similar boat please jump onboard.

Time to hand hold through treatments and support each other through to becoming the mums we deserve to be 💪🏼🌸🙏🏼

Ha, I think we could all do with a counselling migrant!

Could I rejoin you ladies?

I had a missed miscarriage about a month ago- the baby got to 8.5 weeks and died, but no signs till just before 12 week scan. Thankfully it wasn't at the 12 week scan that I found out. I had an immediate erpc and have been muddling through the weeks since then.

Oh I'm so so sorry kerry

Oh Kerry - I am so sorry to hear that

Oh Kerry, I'm so sorry for your loss and so sorry to have you back with us. How are you doing?

Oh Kerry. Awful news. and [tea] and . How are you feeling?

quiet you are so welcome here. I was really struggling 11 months in and you're very much a part of this group - please stay with us

chlo definitely keep directing your mind back to that positivity - those change in your results are amazing and really improve your chances going forwards. Pretty sure I'll be joining you very soon, got cramps on and off. I hate knicker checking and bracing myself every sodding time I go to the loo. Why can't DH do this for a month and give me a break!

flora love I agree with quiet - you strike me as funny and kind and I'm sure your DH adores you. I also feel slightly reassured that its not just me who has these meltdowns - I was so upset with DH drinking on Sunday that I packed a bag, left and sat in our local pub for a few hours fuming! Sometimes its all just too much and you have to let it all out. Glad the nurses were lovely, take care of yourself love

Where do I get one of these counselling migrants???

Oh Kerry I'm so so sorry. We will all support you here 💐💐💐

Thank you so much ladies ❤️ I have been following along with you all the whole time and I really wanted to come back. I am on a ttc after loss thread too but when you add infertility into the mix it's a wholllllle other ball game I feel like.

I'm up and down, mostly down. I'm very very heartbroken and sad and angry (need to find something to help deal with the anger). A few days ago my best friend / virtual sister told me she was accidentally pregnant (literally conceived within the same day or two my baby died) with her third and that really hit me hard. I feel a bit like Flora - she gets everything and I get nothing, even though she's SO kind and actually told me she was pregnant while crying and apologising. It will affect our friendship which goddamn sucks because she is my closest friend. Just another thing infertility does to you.

I am so sorry Kerry

God, am so sorry kerry it's so unfair. Feel as angry as you like here; take care

Thank you jam appreciate it

Kerry - sorry couldn't see this and not say anything. It's devastating news, I can't even begin to wrap my head around the unfairness of it all. I hope you have all the support you need at home with your family and friends but of course, we are always here. I'm glad you've found your way back to us, it's what this thread is all about. Please take some time for yourself, it's a step back but you're going to leap forward once you've taken time to heal. Xx

I'm not managing my MN break very well this week, fertility and babies have just crept back into my mind. It doesn't help there are so many pregnant women at work right now, four on my floor and they always seem to be causally walking past my desk, stroking their bumps. I feel these pangs of envy, followed by a sickening feeling of guilt - envy is such a dirty emotion and not something I'm very prone to. I've never wanted the latest gadgets or fashion accessories, I'm very comfortable with myself and my situation, what I have or don't have. Except a baby...

Kerry - that is so sad, I can't even begin to imagine but I can send you all my best wishes and all the [tea] and you could manage. I'm really, really sorry for your loss. I echo Skip and hope you have loads of support to get you through. I can totally sympathise with the best friend situation - I lost mine over her having a baby and me not having one (her choice not to keep in touch though so what can you do?). It still really sucks.

Flora - what an awful few days you have had. I'm so sorry to hear that. I also have a FC which is in a maternity hospital - You either have to walk all the way around the maternity unit or you can take a shortcut from the car park which is literally a mud track around the back of the maternity admissions building. Something about sneaking around the back of maternity ward (past all the smokers) to get to the FC always brings a wry smile to my face (well, better that than feeling sad about it). I really hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Jam - I kind of want to max out the Clomid and IUI before smashing out some IVF just to be sure I did everything. But then, we also just want to get on with it some days. Delays don't help! So glad you are getting on with the counselling. People often say that being the the right mental space is key so think you re doing all you can. I too often wish my DH could take a bit more of the procedural stuff - the other day he had a blood test and was like 'now I know how you feel always having loads of tests done' and I told him I had never been so pleased that he had to have a test for once instead of me!

Thanks skipper and chocolate (and everyone) for the lovely messages 💙❤️💙

Hold tight lemony there's lots they can do - if there is a problem. Can you get in to see them this week?

Skipper your description of envy is bang on. I feel like I'd cope so much better if I didn't have to see pregnant women at work every day too. It's a constant reminder. All of the literature says it's so so so common to feel this way - I think we would be abnormal not to.

Still no AF, which is pissing me off. It's the absolute worst when it's late and gives your poor desperate brain chance to hope. I keep telling my brain to shut the F up and every time I go to the loo expect to see blood. I'm pretty sure I ovulated late so it'll be along today or tomorrow. Just got to keep reminding myself of that and not set myself up for a fall.

I'm so sorry Kerry there really are no words that we can say but you know that we are all here whenever you need us. In particular I am here if you want to have a rant about how some people have it so easy in life.

Thanks Chocolate - you'd think they'd find a different part of the hospital to house the clinic eh? Another horde of smoking pregnant women outside this morning. I really cannot believe that happens - particularly when the whole site is meant to be non-smoking! Must ask... do you actually have a chocolate lab?!

Jeezo Lemon - that is all a bit cruel and dramatic to leave you on the hook like this! Can you get an appointment this week? Is it through the GP? When we had a similar thing with DH SA he saw the duty GP rather than our own one as they can't just expect you to wait?

Thank you for your kind words as always Jam - hope AF stops dicking about with you soon. Sorry that I have forgotten but do you start the long protocol once she arrives?

Skipper - I moved department to get away from one pregnant woman so can't imagine what it must be like to have to see so many every day. As Jam says, everything online tells us that the feelings we experience are totally normal so please don't pile guilt on top of jealousy - it is just one negative emotion too many.

Thank you Flora it sounds a tad dramatic but I just don't think anyone can get it till they've been through infertility / loss so I really just don't want to talk to those people

Lemony I'm so sorry you're in limbo - can you explain how anxious you are and try to get an earlier appt? Most infertiles get an 'unexplained' diagnosis so in a way, having an identifiable issue that can be treated, could be very good news. I appreciate its v scary though ❤️

So sorry to hear that Kerry.. Any loss is awful but after infertility, it's just an absolute heartbreaker. So shit about your best mate as well. It just seems so unfair when you're going through a mc and equally unfair that it then affects your friendship when you most need it as well. Is everything ok physically?

Hate that feeling of checking every time you go to the loo jam. You can't help but hope. I remember the good old days when AF would just turn up and I'd get caught out... not these days eh.

Hope everything's ok lemony and you get your appointment ASAP. As others have said, it's scary but sometimes it's better to have some kind of answer as then you can do something about it.

skip that is a super intense environment to be in every day. Anyone would find that tough. Your post got me thinking and I think the whole pregnant/bump thing is just so hard as it embodies everything we obviously all want and without sounding silly it's just so visual so feels really in your face if that makes sense. Like I remember feeling pretty crap about being single when all my friends were getting married/engaged, but it wasn't like every time I went out everyone was walking about with huge signs saying I"M TAKEN on their heads whereas this is just unavoidable and it's a little stab in the chest every time. I can't decide whether talking about it all the time helps or not. If I do, I feel like I"m getting obsessed and if I don't, I feel lonely and like I have no-one to talk to! Good thing is we all have each other and we all feel the same so at least that makes us feel a bit more normal!

Thanks Chlo! Physically thankfully I seem to be alright. The erpc was smooth and four weeks later I got my first period (yesterday) although it's an odd light period. Waiting another month to try another iui to give my lining a chance to recover.

I'm very grateful to have you ladies ❤️

I found out today that my job won't exist in a few months time. They have assured me that they will still have a job for me, same pay grade so it's not like I'm completely fucked or anything. Still, I've been in that new job 2 months and I was loving it - so a bit devastated tbh. On the plus, I guess I won't have to stare at all this pregnant ladies anymore 😂

It's skip btw - needed to change my name because I'm getting very identifiable.

Crap! Am way behind again!!

Welcome chocolate!!!

Welcome stras!!!

sk1pper I love you. Take all the time you need.

Congratulations on new job jene!!! 🥂

pjs really hope the new job pans out!!! I guess I will see as I catch up!!!

Have to go again but will be back!
18/9 19:28