Infertility insensitive comments. Anyone got a winner?

[Hopelessat30]

Sorry if this has been done before. But I just wanted a thread to talk about the absolutely awful and insensitive comments people suffering with infertility endure on a regular basis.


Anyone experienced this too?

[physicskate]

Anonmum - that sounds like an entirely different thread altogether!!

I honestly don't think there's a right thing to say to anybody be in the throws of infertility. Even support can seem patronising. You know your friends - just be there to listen.

[Ohluckyme]

I agree with physicskate, there’s nothing to say really. A friend keeps saying ‘supportive’ things to me and I want to strangle her 😂

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Anonmum - with all due respect this is a thread for those of us who are infertile to come to and share our experiences of the utter shittiness of other people without our posts being hijacked by people who think we are whinging and unreasonable. There is another thread around about what we wish people had said to us. Maybe that will help you. But don't expect anything you say to make a difference and help her at the moment. Just be there and give her a hug if she wants it, or what she might want is to not see your children, or indeed anyone. Take your cue from her.

[bananafish81]

@anonmum22 this might be a helpful thread for some ideas to support your friend, I'm sure she'd appreciate you following some of the tips here

Which are, mostly, around the idea that the most supportive things to say are along the lines of 'it's really shit and really unfair, I'm so sorry you're going through this' and providing cake and understanding.


http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3363590-AIBU-to-ask-if-you-have-experienced-infertility-or-pregnancy-loss-what-you-WISH-people-would-have-said-to-you

[EarlGreyT]

@anonmum22.
I would love to know what to be able to say to offer some support without being insensitive in any way

I’m sure you’re well intentioned, so I apologise for being harsh, but a lot of people do and say well intentioned things when you have infertility and the vast majority of those things are unhelpful and make us feel worse.

I hate to be completely blunt, but changing your username might help given that this is an infertility board. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that some people here may understandably find your username offensive given the subject.

To answer your question: acknowledging it’s shit, there’s nothing you can say to make it any better and that you’re happy to listen (without giving any advice or platitudes) are about the most helpful things you can say.

[CatRen27]

Your heart's in the right place anonmum but it feels like you're asking us to look on the bright side and turn it into a positive when most of us ladies just want a safe place to share our experiences. In terms of your friend, just listen if she wants to talk, ask her about the rest of her life (work, relationships) and don't dwell on her infertility unless she wants to.

banana thanks for all you're doing to write about these issues and for asking important questions. I mentioned earlier in the thread the male gp i saw who told me all the ttc shagging wasn't a waste of time, like he knows better and i should be grateful for it. Arsehole. I've also had another gp (who i actually really like and respect otherwise) dismiss my ttc concerns around the age gap between my dd and any future siblings, as if my 2.5 years of trying hadn't taken a real toll on us and didn't need investigating. Going through ivf now.

Sorry if I'm being insensitive, posting on here as a mum. I know I'm lucky to have one and that secondary infertility isn't the same as primary infertility, but it has affected us hugely, living in limbo, constantly trying and also grieving for the family we dreamt of but might not have. I think it also gives 'commenters' a sense of security to say stupid shit, like "now your dd is sleeping through, i can't believe you're wanting to put yourself through it all again with a second". Riiiight. Oh and did i say my in laws accused me of having "ultra expectations" for wanting more children, while in the same sentence telling us not to worry, be patient and that it will happen. Because they know more than the fertility specialists. Super.

[JeNeBaguetteRien]

I didn't read it as anonmum saying we're whinging or unreasonable, nor asking us to look on the bright side. Yes she asked for nice supportive things people had said, but not for us to come up with positives I can't think of any and woulf love to punch the next person who says I'm so lucky to sleep in on weekends because I have no kids.

As others said just acknowledging how crap it is without offering platitudes is best.

I've had adoption suggestions, I've had a friend who had successful IVF complaining about her children, I've had a friend come to me as her shoulder to cry on when she was accidentally pregnant and even said they'd only had sex once in a long time which made me feel even worse.

Banana you asked about comments from healthcare professionals.
After egg collection I heard them saying in theatre how many eggs they'd got (4).
So the recovery nurses who work there day in day out might have known that's not a fabulous haul. One of them proceeded tell me that was funny because she had 4 children, names, ages, the last 2 were twins, what a surprise that was. I was just too tired to ask her to shut up!

Consultant put on my notes as one of my options adoption (like it's that simple) and wrote donor eggs 'an anytime option' like it could be done on your lunch break.

My dentist has been quite sensitive and the deal is I'll say if I'm pregnant and she won't ask it every time I need an xray (having ongoing dental work).

Older colleague in work paying for IVF for his adult daughter and son in law hastening to point out the fault is with his son in law but he really wants a grandchild.

[Botanica]

@JeNeBaguetteRien you've just reminded me of another HCP insensitivity I can share.

My last IVF cycle did not go well at all but nonetheless I had an egg collection regardless, knowing that the number collected would be minimal.

When I was in the recovery room, coming round from the anaesthetic, they wheeled in the next patient, who was told in a loud voice by the nurse, well done she must have worked really hard as she'd got 27 eggs. The women replied that yes, she'd done her best and actually only been expecting 19!

FFS - working hard?!?! Everyone who puts them through this shit is working hard, irrespective of the outcome. We've all done our best.

Also, do I really want to know in my groggy depressed state that someone else's haul was so high... only expecting 19? Jeez.... if only...

I wanted to put myself back under, into my anaesthetised slumber and not wake up to the real world after hearing that.

[physicskate]

Oh that reminded me of another one!!

Right before my egg collection, as we were sitting around waiting to be hauled in, a nurse was asked to leave my ward/ recovery area (which was actually awesome). The nurses had been sitting around chatting about things and she mentioned how she thought women who did ivf were selfish and had 'just waited too long to become mothers' and that we should 'just live with our lot.' Ffs we started ttc when I was 31!! Oh and all the women in that area (the patients) were waiting for egg collection... not a mixed area or anything!!

It was awesome when she was asked to leave!

[Botanica]

@physicskate that is absolutely shocking and I hope she got a severe talking to afterwards. Unbelievable lack of tact, and what a horrible ignorant belief to hold anyway.

I am in hospital right now waiting for egg collection and decided to share my last observation as mentioned in my previous post with the consultant, suggesting that they could perhaps only share if people are in the recovery room alone, or wait until they return to their private wards.

She said people are insistent on knowing their egg numbers right away and they do try and tell them in a quiet voice.
If it were protocol that you only got given the number when you were back in your room I'd be quite fine with this as the norm. It's an extra few minutes wait and at least you wouldn't be hurting anyone else who's in a worse situation that you. I wouldn't mind waiting at all.

[Twiglet2353]

Had my nails done yesterday. The beautician started talking about her friend who has just got pregnant on her first cycle of IVF. She said to me "now she's banging on all about her 'journey' on Facebook....it's like, shut up love it's not a journey if you got pregnant after one cycle of IVF - I think it's just going to be this big drama in her life....she's such an attention seeker".

I was totally gobsmacked by her insensitivity and naivety, and I think I'll be changing salons....

[twinkledag]

I got told after I'd miscarried an IVF baby 'it's not like you gave birth to a baby and it died' by my OWN MOTHER

[InDreamland]

All the comments on here are just hideous!

After 5 years TTC got BFP but mc'd at 12 weeks.

My own mother "just get over it, move on and try again". Along with "well at least yoy know you can get pregnant ".

Many other people also saying at least I know I can get pregnant.

Hate it when people say just relax. It will happen. I will have a baby. No! Just f' off! No-one can predict the future and given it took 5 years to get pregnant in the first place only for baby to die no-one can sat I will have a baby.

Have you considered ..........? Why don't you try ......... just shut up! Do you not think after 5 years I've not thought about everything?

After mc "well it just means baby wasn't right anyway" or "would have been disabled". WTF! I'm grieving for my lost baby!

"You'll be next", how the F do you know? or "can tell you don't have children" well it's not out of choice.

"You just have to move on and not let it take over" said many times since my mc 9 weeks ago.

Many many more said to me over the past 5 years and since my mc. I just want to scream!!!!!!! And punch these people in the face.

[TammySwanson]

Sorry, wrong thread!! will get it deleted.

[TammySwanson]

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage InDreamland. I had the exact same 'at least you know you can get pregnant' remark from my MIL.. and then it took me 4 years to get pregnant (and then I miscarried again). Sure showed her, didn't I? (hollow laugh).

[PurpleDaisies]

There’s an utter horror show in AIBU which is supposed to be about awful things people have said to people without children. It’s been invaded by posters making just that sort of comment...

[InDreamland]

Thanks @TammySwanson. I'm really sorry to hear about your losses too. It's shit isn't it. I just feel so useless and like a complete failure. So when people make stupid thoughtless comments I just evwn more shit about myself. Great one when a colleague I'd not seen for a while saw me and staring at my stomach said "no babies yet? Why don't you have any yet?". I just couldn't think what to say. I'm just finding comments or questions about my lack of children or about my mc really upsetting. Only thing I seem to find ok is people who express genuine sympathy for my struggles and loss and don't try to tell me what I should or should not feel or like I should just get over it. I should be 22 weeks pregnant today and instead I'm still crying so much.

[babybrainy]

Who is going to look after you when you're old? Said to me by a very good friend.

Seriously? Like that's why you choose to have children is it? And if so how tragic for them.

[ohbigdaddio]

Haven't read the full thread but when telling my friend how sad and depressed I am that we've been TTC for 2 and a half years (plus 2 failed embryo transfers), she said "Well, you just need to be positive – it takes some people 10 years to get pregnant!"

I think she was trying to help but the idea of carrying on for another 7 plus years feeling like this and the idea that I can 'get on with my life happily' with it all going on in the background was very hurtful.

Oh, and she was 8 months pregnant (only took a couple of months to conceive) when saying this!!

[ginandtonicformeplease]

Banana I think the worst HCP I ever came across was the nurse who was supposed to talk through my options after a MMC was diagnosed.

First she gave me the "you can always try again" despite it saying in the notes she had in front of her that it was IVF. I asked her (through tears) where the fucking money was supposed to come from.

Adoption was her next suggestion. She started telling me how her brother had died and she'd adopted his four children. Glad it all worked out for her, but a) my brother is childfree by choice b) am I supposed to get him and SIL to have a baby, then engineer their deaths so I could adopt the child? My mind boggled and I stumbled out of there, wondering whether she said that to all her patients while they were miscarrying.

[XamberXx]

People can be so rude! They tell you things without even thinking it may hurt. Going to any place with married couples. All conversations are about kids or getting pregnant. The worst thing is when they ask "what are we waiting for". I feel like screaming out! We're trying and it's not happening so stop asking! It's not easy seeing pregnant women either! I know it's hard. 2 people I know just had their 3rd and 4th baby. I'm way behind all of my friends. It's hard when you’re married for a while and people ask "when are you going to have a baby." Especially around Halloween and Christmas. Last Halloween I stayed in and didn't even give out candy and cried. It really does take a lot of self-control on our parts, doesn't it? There have been times where I've felt like saying something rude JUST to make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, it's just not ok to ask those questions (especially repeatedly). Sometimes, it's just none of the persons damn business and you don't feel like you should have to explain that to them. That's when I smile and walk away. They're either too dumb to take the hint, or they get it, and they feel like asses. A couple of months ago I had failed ivf cycle. Now I’m waiting to meet my RE and talk about other options we can use to become parents. We decided not to tell anyone just to escape all those stupid comments. Good luck to everyone there ttcing! Just keep going and don’t listen to stupid people!

[WomblesAreCommon]

I told a friend I was finding it hard to deal with her “I’m so tired - you’ve got no idea as you aren’t a mum” type comments because I wasn’t likely to ever become one.

Rather than say anything acknowledging that, she replied with news of her second pregnancy - and then repeatedly texted me asking why I hadn’t replied.

And yes she is an ex-friend now

[CatRen27]

A friend said to me during a chemical pregnancy from ivf:

"you had prepared yourself for this not working hadn't you?"

Because that'll fix the pain. And I've got myself to blame now if I'm sad.

[ivf2019]

New one this morning - pregnant colleague, who knows my situation and has previously been very sensitive, waves her Maternity Certificate across onto my desk and says "look, it's my ticket out of here!"