Infertility insensitive comments. Anyone got a winner?

[Hopelessat30]

Sorry if this has been done before. But I just wanted a thread to talk about the absolutely awful and insensitive comments people suffering with infertility endure on a regular basis.

Anyone experienced this too?

My mil - "why not adopt? There are plenty of healthy newborn babies out there just waiting for new homes."

Mil (again - after hearing we're going to Cyprus for DE IVF) "what will you do if, you know, they give you black babies? You can't hand them back!"

Sil (so like her mother) - "I don't understand why you'd want to; I'm already feeling the effects of arthritis - and I'm only 51." (Note - I've got RA so live with arthritis every day!!)

Mil to my DM when we took DM to meet her newly born great grandson - "I think they're mad; who in their right mind would want a baby at her (me) age?" I'm 45, been married 2 years and we BOTH want to complete our family with a new addition if we possibly can!!

(this is for people reading the thread in reverse chronological order)

And the winner, for the worst spam post shilling for a fake healer/ shitty 'cure' for infertility (so far) in 2018 goes to..... kimcraig277.

(kimcraig277 slowly makes his/her way to the stage... the audience stops clapping... kimcraig277 begins his/her acceptance speech).

Can kimcraig277 fuck off please

Trophy time!!! 🏆🏆🏆

However, indirectly I’d like to thank the spammer for resurrecting this thread.

Whilst there are so many horror stories on here it’s made me feel like I’m not alone (when I so very often feel like I am).

I’ve had;

“Oh I’ve always assumed you don’t want children, you’re a career person”

“Those nice holidays will stop when you have kids”

“You’ll understand when you’re a mum” (me, with a group of friends all of which who are parents whilst i struggle)

From a male colleague (with 3 kids) following me taking the remainder of the day off following a medical appt and disappointing fertility news “Oh have you got that sickness bug, our friend claimed to have that recently and it was actually a different kind of sickness, WINK WINK” (he actually said the wink wink part, which made it even more vile.

After sharing with a close friend I’d just had to have a rather uncomfortable internal scan and was feeling down - she sends a picture of her toddler DD eating a sandwich “here’s something to cheer you up” - oh really??!!!

Friend with 4 kids “you can borrow one of mine if you like!”

I’m sure there are more, I have sadly just had to block them out.

well at least you can still go on your holidays! " another one piped in with "and always have enough sleep"

These two, often. I can't afford holidays and, shock horror, actually do have responsibilities despite being single and childless. Oh, and I've suffered from insomnia for years so have existed on about 3 hours sleep a night if I'm lucky.

Twats: “Why don’t you just adopt?”

Me: “Why don’t you just fucking adopt”

Twats: “Oh I’m so excited for you that you’ll be starting IVF”
Me: “Yes being put into false menopause, daily injections, intrusive scans, painful egg collection, all for it to probably not work? Yes very fucking exciting.”

Me: “I’ve lost my baby because of an ectopic and had to have emergency surgery, I nearly died.”
Twats: It’s not called a baby at that stage.
Twats: (no, I’m sorry this happened) next time it will be better when you get pregnant again.
Twats: (a day after my surgery) Why don’t you come and visit me? (Twat lives 7 hours away and I’ve just had abdominal surgery).

I don’t speak to Twats anymore!

“I’m so glad for her that she got pregnant, she was starting to worry it wouldn’t happen for her” said by my SIL, with reference to mutual friend who fell pregnant after 6 months TTC. Meanwhile she knows I was (at the time) 16 months TTC with no luck except an early miscarriage. DH didn’t think there was anything wrong with it so I’m maybe just a bit over sensitive.

kikisparks no that’s a deliberate, passive agreessive comment.

@ohluckyme thanks, actually my SIL is very nice so I think it was just a very very thoughtless and stupid thing to say. But DH thought if I’d pointed that out it would have been rude.

Oh god, infertility bingo!

I got so angry with 'just relax' and the positivity vultures that I wrote this for World Childless Week, about that fabled medical cure of relaxation (with input from MN-ers!)

twitter.com/uberbarrensclub/status/1039087394732077056

Mother: Just adopt an African baby! Haha 🙄😦

While going through treatment, mother keeps saying 'when' I'm pregnant, blah blah blah. I keep having to remind her it's not a given. Which is fun.

Male gp told me that the 18 months ttc to no avail wasn't a total waste of time wink wink (fuck off mate)

The list goes on..

Awesome article bananafish

People who say, "Oh I feel ashamed because I get pregnant so easily - I only have to look at it and I fall".

Grrrrr. So smug as if they are clever when all it means is they're made differently.

Suggestions to adopt when adoption is an extremely difficult process and not for everyone.

Saying that some people are not meant to have children and another door will open - now that may be true in the long run but it is totally insensitive for another person to say it to anyone who is really trying and hoping to have a baby, they have to reach those conclusions independently.

I've heard all these things said to people at work who are struggling with infertility and it made me cringe, also embarrassed and upset the infertile people who tried so hard to hide their feelings. I hope I NEVER say such things. You can perhaps forgive a youngster for tactlessness but not fully grown up people.

Most of my ones are the same and not that 'fun'.

'why don't you adopt' - because I don't want to yet.
'just relax' - well relaxing hasn't helped so far
'don't leave it too late. You're not getting any younger' - I'm only 34!
'let me know when you start IVF as we will need to get a bigger car to fit the pram in' - thanks for the vote of confidence Mum but there is no guarantee.
'your turn next' - well it hasn't been my turn for 4 1/2 years so I doubt it is now.

The best ones I know are ones my close friend has had as she is going through IVF as well (her DP has no sperm). She has had:

'me and your dad conceived you and your sisters first time each time so I don't know where you get the problem from'

'you should relax and try some herbal remedies to save you going through IVF' - said by a colleague after telling her that they can't conceive naturally

'is he shooting blanks? If so you can always come over and have some of mine as we now they are good' - said to her by another friend's slightly drunk husband (he didn't know it was MFI at that point but she did).

The best went to her DP's mother with 'well if you have to have a donor then it will obviously be X (DP's cousin) as you look alike and no-one will be able to tell the difference' - I think they would tell the difference and I am not sure cousin and his wife would be so happy about his sperm being volunteered.

My (ex) friend said to me, when I messaged her to say I was having a dreadful miscarriage and had lost my much wanted long awaited ivf twins at 11 weeks and that I was so raw and devastated that I couldn't even talk to her yet:

'Oh sorry to hear that, by the way I am seventeen weeks pregnant'.

"Are you sure you're doing it correctly?".

Well, actually, no - are you offering to give me a demonstration?

My mother, while I was going through a traumatic miscarriage sent me daily updates and pictures of my cousin's new baby until I spelt out for her that I didn't want to see someone else's baby while I was losing my own.

A friend "I told you all you need was a holiday" on finding out I was pregnant. Well yes, a special holiday where I spent a lot of money on IVF.

Some of these are so awful!

My two faves were:
(best friend, heavily pregnant) "you can always talk to me, I think bump is a good listener. I guess I have two pairs of ears now!"

and a colleague, who had repeatedly said "oh you'll be next!" several times going back even before we'd started trying which I'd ignored, responded to explain it wouldn't be straightforward, laughed off or just glared at.... I'm holding another colleague's new baby and she pipes up yet again with "you'll be next! don't you think ivf2019 will be next? she'll definitely be next!" ... she was secretly 8 weeks pregnant and just hadn't told anyone yet. Obsessively trying to get people to agree with her that I would "be next" and make it into some weird competition when she knew it was her feels so cruel.

Oh god reading these stories; people are horrible smug cunts!

What's really awful is how many of these responses have come from people's own mothers.

@ivf2019 omg that colleague was horrible!!!

@Leighhalfpennysthigh I think it’s because they are the hardest people to have that conversation with. When I told my mum I’d had emergency surgery for an ectopic she told me she’s had a miscarriage and that she didn’t care about it (it didn’t bother her) so neither should I. I think she couldn’t bare the idea of me being so sad so she just wanted to brush over the whole thing.