Infertility insensitive comments. Anyone got a winner?

[Hopelessat30]

Sorry if this has been done before. But I just wanted a thread to talk about the absolutely awful and insensitive comments people suffering with infertility endure on a regular basis.

Anyone experienced this too?

This wasn't to me, but a close friend whose partner had MFI was told by her mother "Why don't you just have an affair to get pregnant?". I haven't been able to look at her mum the same since hearing that.

"Is it him or you?" and "well, at least you get to have plenty of sex - I barely remember what it is since xxx was born" are two of my favourites. I just try to let it wash over me and not envy their blissful ignorance. I was once ignorant myself and am sure I said some unintentionally stupid things too.

A slightly odd question I've had a few times is when I tell people we're in the middle of fertility tests and might need fertility treatment, is "so are you still trying naturally at the same time?". I don't really know how to respond, "er yes I'm still having sex with my husband?!" Maybe I should start asking them about their sexlife in return!

I see someone mentioned this a few pages back, but my personal favourite is the 'in the past no one knew/cared about early miscarriage' (have had two at five weeks and one at seven). Oh, great, brilliant. I'll stop being upset now (I also strongly suspect it's bollocks - you'd have had to be seriously thick or unobservant to an alarming extent to think that any of mine were just 'heavy periods').

I also love 'it's very common (insert random inaccurate statistic here)'. Firstly, one is common - three isn't. Secondly, and more importantly, something happening a lot doesn't make it less upsetting. I wouldn't point out to a friend whose husband just left her that one in three marriages ends in divorce so no biggy, and I wouldn't point out to someone whose elderly mother just died that almost everyone loses their mother at some stage. So why am I supposed to be comforted by the same logic?

Some of these are truly awful. What is wrong with people?!

I have had
"Do you want to borrow my husband, he's really fertile" (followed by big laughs from all 5 women there)

"You will never know how hard this is for us" (the in laws)

And when I looked shock that my family were encouraging my 4 year old nephew to wee in the pub garden while everyone ate lunch "calm down, wait till you have children"
Oh and finally when asking in the fertility clinic if I could book appointments before work the nurse said "well, your career is over now anyway so don't worry about that"

I've had "at least you know you can get pregnant" several times. The only forgivable one was from a colleague also suffering infertility who had never been pregnant (we had several miscarriages).

"Oh I'm so disappointed it's another girl" from my not-very-D-B who was expecting his second just after we had yet another miscarriage.

A very odd one from another adopter (no idea if they went on to adopt). I have some knowledge of SEN from things I used to do in the past but I've got no qualifications and it's not something I do professionally, but on our adoption prep course I shared this and another prospective adoptive parent said "oh is that why you want to adopt, so you can help a disabled child". No, we want to adopt so we can be parents. And if you are adopting so you can be a "saviour" then please do the children a favour and don't.

Oh and when I had a MMC, I asked the midwife what would have happened in former days, before scans, she told me that there was a risk of the foetus breaking up and causing clots and that women's health was much better protected now.

So all the "it's all the fault of early tests" people can stuff that in their pipes and smoke it.

Just rrreeelllaaaaxxxx!!!!!!

Hate it , hate it, hate it ,

I have not experienced infertility but I have heard this one several times

'you should adopt. I know a couple who applied to adopt, got a kid and she found out she was pregnant!. You should do that'.

Because adoption is the easy way to get a baby, adoption is so simple and stress free you should do it even if you don't want to in case you get pregnant.
Not to mention the utter upheaval a pregnancy would bring to a newly adoptive family and child. Which is why most agencies insist on being at least 6 months post treatment, counselling AND no TTC 'naturally'.

to the lot of you.

Why do people love to guess which partner has the problem?! Like is a game to everyone else.
Glad someones having fun.

I'm not on fertility treatment. My sister is, they've been trying for about 8 years now. She used to call me crying because of the stupid shit people would say to her. Like our mom. And I could never tell her what our mom would say behind her back, especially a few months ago when I got pregnant after a month of trying.

My mother: "See, I know you're my daughter, my family has never had problems getting pregnant before....ya know." I'm like, mom stop insinuating your own daughter isn't family because its more difficult for her to get pregnant.

My mother: "I just don't know why they don't give up, and be happy for the one they have." My BIL had a daughter from a previous marriage that my sister adopted. I'm like, mom, they have every right to want another one.

My mother: "I'm just glad that here in the US we don't have to pay for someone else's pet project." WTF mom, having children isn't a pet project.

My mother: "Clearly there's nothing wrong with him, as he has one of his own. Your sister must relax more, as she's the one who is messing this up. When I was her age, we never over thought this whole getting pregnant thing, we just did it." ::slow clap:: for my mother. Good for you. BTW, there's problems with both him and her.

Again after I told her I was pregnant, "don't tell your sister, she'll be really jealous and will treat your baby differently. She'll also resent you." I'm like, thanks but no thanks. I told her first because I'm not an evil bitch well aware that this may affect her emotionally.

My sister has been told to calm down, what's the point of rushing (do it when your body is ready), stop wasting your money (they've spent over $40,000 to date) on something that simply doesn't look like its going to happen, etc.. And now my sister had her transfer of a frozen egg on Friday, and is trying to remain calm while she waits to test. She, rightly, didn't tell my mom that she had another cycle.

I'm 23 weeks personally, and I lurk on the fertility and IVF boards so I can understand more of what she's going through, I hope you don't mind me jumping in.

After becoming pregnant with my fiance and misscarrying at 17 weeks

My own mother while I was crying - " you shouldn't have been so irresponsible in the first place. You don't even know what you're doing".

This really fucking hurt. She also said to me at the time " you only turn on the waterworks when you want to".

Don't speak to her much anymore.

It's all right for you, you don't have any children.
It is really selfish to not have children.

these seem a bit feeble compared with some of the posts.

There's a thread on now about a pregnant SIL. The responses on there shocked me. Not as much as on here though.

Before you start actively trying:

Oh it will be you on mat leave next year....

Oh your DP is 1 of 5 you are gonna have loads of babies......

I am justnstarting TTC. I have a few issues and gynae consultant wants me to refer after 6 months if no pregnancy. Whats worse is a few colleagues know my history and it still comes out!

These aren't insensitive just stupid -

"You never know, you might get pregnant naturally still" - no I really do know. Coz I just told you the fertility clinic said our icsi cycle failed and DH sperm isn't good enough to even do icsi again. So it's really not gonna happen naturally!!

The response- " just be positive"
Ffs!!!!

And - waiting on yet another semen analysis , 4 months and will be told if we need donor..

"So, for the next 4 months will you just chill?"

Ffs!! Yeah totally chill coz it's not a life changing result or anything!!

My CEO when my colleague announced her pregnancy "we all had bets on ickle being next, or maybe she's got something she wants to tell us"

Made it worse i'd got my 18th bfn that morning and colleague was happily announcing all she had to do was look at DH and she was pregnant

That's surprising nicky. Most people I know are way too positive about IVF working and start raving about what it'll be like when the baby arrives etc when there's a significant failure rate amongst all clinics. They don't get it's a pretty gruelling process and go on about how "exciting" it is.

Yes, as PurpleDaisies just said, the only people who inflate the likelihood of it working are people who don't understand the process, or extremely dodgy clinics and doctors, or people trying to advertise extremely dodgy clinics. So be wary of that, don't fall for their tricks!

'Ooh yes we had problems too'

They'd conceived twins naturally 5 months post wedding.

My Dad about my husband; 'well of course he's relaxed at home- he's got no kids'

Colleague; 'you could have ended up with a disabled child like xyz....'

The last one made me fucking rage.

@amd724 goodness your mother! My heart absolutely goes out to your sister and BIL. Congratulations on your pregnancy and thank you for being such a lovely considerate sister. Keep reading and jump in. With all due respect your mum needs to shut her cake hole. Thanks, for taking some of that hurt away from your sister. It can't be easy.