Infertility insensitive comments. Anyone got a winner?

[Hopelessat30]

Sorry if this has been done before. But I just wanted a thread to talk about the absolutely awful and insensitive comments people suffering with infertility endure on a regular basis.


Anyone experienced this too?

[Bluerose27]

A few months after my miscarriage a friend said to me of another friend, a single mother, let's call her Susie "poor Susie with her new baby , the first six months after your baby is born are just so hard. It's so tough having a newborn baby" etc etc. When I wanted to scream "the six months after your baby dies are far more difficult"

I was staying with her, excused myself, went to bed , was sick for two days afterwards with the pain and shock if what she said, have spoken to her once since and avoid her phone calls


Another set of friends whose baby was due 6 weeks before my baby that I miscarried, the first time my husband and I saw them after my MC said something sympathetic, then said "we had a scan the other day, we're having a baby girl. We're thinking of calling her X" and we had to say " how lovely for you, congratulations"

A well meaning colleague said "well it's for the best, there must have been something wrong with the baby and nature took its course."
Unfortunately she was wrong, the baby was perfect, the problem lay with me

People can be so hurtful

[GhostPower]

Just after I Miscarried my aunt called me up to say her daughter was expecting and how happy she was.

[GhostPower]

I can some what understand if these comments came from men but when it comes from women I just don't get how insensitive they can be

[gabsdot]

How can your life be stressful, you've no kids.

[broodynmoody]

Some of these are shocking. Ghost I've told your aunt to fuck right off

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

I've had 2 opposing comments and am not sure which was worse.

DM - "so glad your sister is pregnant. I want grandchildren and you're not maternal at all are you?"

DFriend (who is usually lovely and knows about my fertility issues / treatment) "You should be a mum, you're brilliant with kids"

Have also had a lot of versions of "relax and it'll happen / go on holiday / you're too stressed / my neighbours sisters boyfriends dog walker etc did X, Y and Z then got pregnant"

Have also had one friend who didn't mention her pregnancy at all to me in case I melted into a crying puddle and another who updated me every few days with cravings, scan dates, name ideas etc.

Have been asked more times than I can count when DH and I are going to have children. I hate it because we have only shared our issues with a very small number of friends (no family) and it's such an intrusive question.

[Fishface199]

From my friend when I confided worrying how my miscarriage might affect my fertility.
" Wont make a difference to your fertility. The doctors couldn't care less about you having a mis..." She tailed off realising how callous she sounded.

[Spanneroo]

After my 4th miscarriage I went to the doctors to talk about investigating the cause only to be told "miscarriages are common. Just keep trying. You're only 23 so you've got ages to try again"

It took another 2 miscarriages and the loss of DDs twin before she arrived safely. I still can't believe that it was a doctor who told me that. Wish I'd had the strength to confront her.

[cailyaclara]

Husband of a friend said 'You can always use donor eggs' but then instantly was telling my husband that 'donor sperm isn't right, yeah'.

The problem wasn't mine...

(Plus if I couldn't have had any children, I would have adopted. We have now got two children but it took nearly 15 years and lots of fertility issues/miscarriages to get them).

At a funeral, my cousin taking me on one side to tell me that it was my 'turn next to bring life'
I'd just had another miscarriage.

[Andromache77]

Someone from the administrative side of our otherwise excellent fertility clinic said to me, upon hearing that we would be going down the DE route and that at least that meant that we could forget about genetic screening for my congenital condition (which was the reason for IVF in the first place, only to discover through trial and error that I'm also infertile, for unknown reasons, wholly unrelated to said condition): "Oh, Nature is wise and maybe that's its way of preventing the spread of your condition". Nope, my congenital condition has not prevented most of my family plus half their village and a small but by no means inconsiderable number of people around the world from getting this condition because a) it does not cause infertility and b) if it did IT WOULD HAVE DISAPPEARED WITHIN ONE GENERATION, YOU MORON. So not only insensitive, also scientifically illiterate.

I should have complained but I was so taken aback by her stupidity that I let it slip. Mind you, this was said as I had just paid an eye-watering amount for DE on top of the other treatment that we had had over the years, all private.

[Fishface199]

My incompetent boss.

After my mc she sent me a card which was signed "From your work team". I wanted my mc to be confidential so I texted her asking whether my work team knew.

She replied "No its just me I signed it from the team !

Laughing emoji.

Yes damn fricking hilarious.

[laurelstar]

Father-in-law after second miscarriage: "No more running young lady or this will keep happening." (At the time I did ParkRun about once a month and went cycling and to the gym a couple of times a week. Now only yoga and walking.)

Mother after fourth miscarriage: "Do you think you might become one of these women who takes someone else's baby from a maternity ward?" (No never Mum, I think that has to do with other issues than infertility.)

[laurelstar]

P.S. GP & NHS Direct site said carrying on gentle exercise was good

[pickacard]

I could cry reading some of these. And I've already had about 14 years of hearing these awful comments (some said to me, some to others).
One that has stuck with me is a comment I read in a book: Said, TO A CHILD with parents going through secondary IF: 'Mean Mummy and Daddy for not giving you a brother or sister.' WTAF? So many sympathies to anyone who has been hurt by this type of thing, it never stops amazing me what people will say.
Don't know if I can link but this was the book (I mention it because it also has comebacks and I bloody wish I'd had a few of those in my back pocket about 12 years ago ...).
<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Fertility-Retort-Unhelpful-Questions-Infertility-ebook/dp/B01MZ13X33/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497852853&sr=8-1&keywords=the%20fertility%20retort&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">The Fertility Retort

[redannie118]

My sister in law ringing me up at 6 in the morning to tell me she was pregnant even though she had taken the MAP pill "you are so lucky-you have no idea what its like to be fertile"
My mother in law"do you have any idea how embarrising it is to tell people ive got no grandchildren because you cant have any?"
Work colleague"so whos fault is it?yours or your husbands?"

[Chrisinthemorning]

pink someone said that to DS yesterday.
DS - proudly "I'm 5!"
Random neighbour we barely speak to "wow I remember when you were in your mummy's tummy, time for a brother or sister?"
DS "mummy says I can't have one"
Man "mummy's a spoilsport, does daddy want one?"
DH "no".
Now DS was born after lots of fertility probs and is an ivf baby. We are very lucky to have him and are not ttc a second due to how difficult it all was so it didn't upset us, but wtf? That would have ruined our day if we had been ttc and he's just an (insensitive!) random bloke.
to all

[pickacard]

Oh Chris, inappropriate doesn't even cover it. It sounds like you (and your lovely DS!) handled it a lot better than I would.

Redannie the only thing your MIL should be embarrassed about is her own personality!

[SoozC]

Wow, these are making me laugh (but not because they're funny) but also cry. I'm lucky I've not had any of these (yet). I've had 3 that haven't been too bad:

1. My brother: Rupert (his son) wants a cousin to play with.
   

(Yes, well, I'd love to oblige.)

1. My mum: don't put off trying to have children for too long.
   

(This was said a few weeks ago, I'm 35. We've been trying for 18 months now.)

1. Friend: just get drunk and it'll happen.
   

(This from someone who got pregnant first time trying but didn't really want to be as she thought it would take a few months.)

Actually, that same friend knows we've been trying but every time I mention I'm not feeling well she raises her eyebrows and smiles and says "are you sure it's just a tummy bug?" Yes, I fucking am. If I was pregnant I would have told you. At the weekend we went to hers for a party and I took some J2Os because it was hot and my DP said "Sooz wanted these for some reason" and my friend gave me that look and smiled and I had to smile back and shake my head again.

Sorry, not that bad compared to most of you guys but it still hurts.

[Luxnuova]

Some of these are just awful. So sorry for all who have had to deal with this insensitivity, especially on top of your own sense of loss and disappointment.

Mine is one of the standard ones, but no less wtf and painful. I had just told a mum friend (mother of DD's best buddy) about second miscarriage. She gestured into back seat at her recently born third child and said, 'Want to adopt him?'. Ha ha.

[Rainbowflower24]

Being harassed about no baby and After miscarrying longed for baby after 4 years trying -

Oh no! What did you do? Did you ride a bike?

Thanks mum.

[mineofuselessinformation]

'The best thing you can do is to go home and drink a couple of glasses of red wine' - fertility consultant, after months and months of trying to conceive. Insensitive and arrogant arse...

[TheJWoman]

After a chemical pregnancy, "Why are you so down, it wasn't like it was a real one?!" from my best mate. Haven't been able to speak to her properly since then.

[MattAffleck]

One girl I know, I class her as a friend, but she keeps advising me to go private. Like if I cared at all that I've had 5 miscarriages in 3 years I'd somehow grow some fucking money.

I get tongue tied and feel stupid explaining that we can't afford that.

I now avoid her.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I've been told to consider myself lucky to have DS because lots of women can't have one- fair enough, but brutal when said just after a miscarriage. I've made my peace with it mostly now. My mum was horrified when I referred to myself as Barren Karen recently.