AIBU to ask if you have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, what you WISH people would have said to you?

[bananafish81]

If you’ve experienced infertility and / or pregnancy loss, we all know the often-well-intentioned-but-desperately-unhelpful things that people say to you (usual bingo card: just relax, why don’t you just adopt, any sentence starting with ‘at least…’ or ‘have you tried…’, stories about miracle babies etc).

As well as the grossly insensitive things that are just downright hurtful (maybe you just aren’t meant to have children; you can have one of my kids if you want; why don’t you have an affair; you only know true love when you have a child etc)

Most of the comments in the former group usually come from people not knowing what to say - and wanting to try to say something useful, to try and ‘fix’ it.

Instead of unhelpful comments, what WOULD you like friends / family / colleagues / other MN posters to have said to you?

If they had a list of things NOT to say to someone who’s suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss, what would you like them to know about what they SHOULD say instead?

to anyone who's been through this shitty experience, and especially to anyone still struggling

(Full disclosure: longtime poster on MN infertility boards, lots of failed IVF, and I'm currently researching the emotional experience of infertility & pregnancy loss)

I’m not sure there is anything anyone can say to make it better. I’ve been through it and heard all the things you quoted. However at the end of the day it’s my issue and my problem. It’s not up to anyone else what they can and can’t say. It’s up to you how you deal with it. I’m resigned to the fact that I won’t have another child (I’m lucky to have one). Doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, but there is nothing more I can do. The only thing that someone could say that would make it all better is ‘I can 100% guarantee to make you pregnant with you and your dh’s second child’. I think you are placing to much weight on what other people say. You need to find peace with the situation yourself.

I appreciated hearing:

"I'm so sorry"
"Would you like to talk about it (infertility)/your baby?"
"What can I do to help you?" (E.g. Make a meal to heat up, take them out for a coffee/to see a film to give their mind a break from trying to process everything)

Plus I really appreciated people I wasn't even really close to who'd been through similar reaching out to me - it was comforting to not be alone

Nothing, if I’m being honest. When you have to explicitly tell someone that you can’t have children, it usually means that they’ve already gone way over the line.

What’s quite nice is sharing experiences with other sub-fertile couples. You have a mutual understanding and can genuinely have a laugh at some of the infertility bingo lines you’ve heard over the years.

You missed a classic by the way: ‘Why don’t you try IVF?’

I agree with PP. And it's just nice to know that people are thinking about you and actually care.

I lost my son a few months ago and it hurt a little not to hear much from those who you thought would have cared.

So just acknowledging you and offering sympathies and kindess is enough imo.

Sorry by PP I meant mike.

My favourite response was along the lines of 'thats, really shit, I'm sorry, I'm coming round tomorrow with cake.'

Specifically when my sister was pregnant 'I know this is hard for you, I love you, I want you involved but you set the pace. Tell me if / when you need space. Would it help if you had a particular role? (she bought me a book on knitting soft toys and weirdly it helped a lot) .'

OoohAye, I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum lost my sister shortly after birth & said similar. She never forgave the friends who crossed the road rather than talk to her.

Just an acknowledgement of how hard it is to go through a pregnancy loss. Along the lines of "I'm sorry, life is hard and shit sometimes. If there's anything I can do let me know"

When people haven't experienced a loss or infertility themselves I think it can be so easy for them to just not understand it. On a couple of occasions I've had to explain to people how hard it is when people around you are announcing pregnancies etc

Why don’t you just adopt?
What’s wrong with you?
Hahaha you can have one of mine, the annoying shits
You’ll have your own one day
It’s not the be all and end all

To be fair, no one really CAN say the right thing when you’re devastated to be childless

Oddly, after dd was born via straight surrogacy, I STILL had the ‘you’ll have your own one day’ 🖕🏼

you only know true love when you have a child etc)

That's a vile thing to say to someone who is suffering infertility problems.
People can be very insensitive. One person said to me 'you know you really should get on with it - you're not as young as you were and your biological clock is ticking fast'.
I found while I was going though ivf that the only people who I could bear to talk about it with were those in a similar position.

And Ooohaye I’m sorry. People are shit. And shits.
Thoughtless
I genuinely believe there are people that just don’t have the depth or emotional intelligence to even consider something from anyone else’s point of view

I found while I was going though ivf that the only people who I could bear to talk about it with were those in a similar position

Exactly this. Even having to explain all the technicalities of each stage to my parents became tiresome. My dad was the best though. He’d just nod his head as if he understood what we were talking about, then he’d go and look up what words such as blastocyst meant.

"That's so shit" is all I really wanted to hear. That and I suppose an acknowledgement of how monumental being infertile has been for us. It amazed me (& hurt lots) how little support or love me and my DH were shown actually.

For me there was precisely nothing people could say without me crying/getting arsey/losing the plot/refusing to see them etc. I went through infertility for years and was a total fucking pain to every one. People dreaded telling me they were pregnant and I cried every time someone did. I was very ungracious in the face of much kindness.

Just "I'm so sorry" and stop there. No need carry on after that - and definately not "It was probably for the best" or "There'll be other babies" or "There was probably something wrong with it".

I tried to be open about my miscarriages because I think we should talk about these things, but it did leave me open to lots of very stupid comments.

Acknowledgement and sympathy. Not cheery anecdotes about your friend who tried for years then did x or why and got pregnant, or about your Auntie Flo who had a baby at 49 having thought she was menopausal.

Oh I've had it all, from how easy our life must be, to how we don't know real love, to being told we will have no one to look after us in old age. I am okay about it now but struggled for a while back there.

Someone said to me only last week, it's a shame you've never had children, you'd have made a lovely Mum! I know it was well meaning but jeezus it was an unexpected bite on the arse.

I wanted to be told that it is okay be feel sad, anger, frustration & jealously to a point. That how you feel is exactly that & not invalid.

That the overwhelming grief for something you won't ever have will pass, but will also pop up again & to be expect it to. Empathy that dealing with the feelings is hard.

TBH We never really spoke about it much, because you don't want to go into the whys and wherefores & keep dredging it up. It also avoids the insensitive things that people (mostly well meaning) say, we always laugh it off as a bit of self preservation.

I'm so sorry. That's awful.
Are you ok?
Can i do anything?
How's DH doing?
We need to go out for drink/cake/meal/good gossip.

Any of the above are good.

It's for the best.
Never mind.
Think of the money you wont have to spend now.
At least you haven't had x, y z. (illnesses which they had)
No point in dwelling on it.
Will you bother again?

JustlikeDevon i agree - the bottom line is nothing made me feel better, and i had a strange habit of looking for the worst in what people said. I was hard to be around sometimes. I know i was. However, there was definitely some dreadful shite spouted at me which even the most determinedly 'look on the bright side' souls would have winced at.

:)

I have secondary infertility. The most memorable thing said to me was (when I said I couldn't have a 2nd) was "that's really awful as if your child dies you won't be a mother any more's' 😐. I lost my first so can remember how shit that was too.

Not something you say but something you do - I know when my friend’s due dates were (they’re in my diary) and I always send an “I still remember your baby” message to her when they fall. That means the world to her.

For my losses, I just wanted someone to acknowledge it was shit. And not say it was because I couldn’t carry a specific gender!

I think the most grossly insensitive thing anyone said to me was Re someone they knew who was experiencing secondary infertility “it’s worse for them, they know what they are missing”. I dare say it’s true but it’s still a shit thing to say to someone who is struggling to conceive at all.

"It wouldn't have been right anyway" said by my Nan. I still can't look at her the same to be honest.

Just knowing people actually cared helped me. "I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you" it was the silence and lack of contact from close relatives/friends that actually really stung.

@bananafish81 firstly wanted to say great thread idea. I, for one, am totally sick of platitudes from people in rl. Secondly, thanks for all of the contributions you've made on the infertility boards over the years. Your advice has been invaluable.

And yes, I'm still in the barren ghetto!

For me, I'd like people to just say sorry and ask how I am, without all of the above mentioned litany of shit they tend to spout.

Oh yes....and people who know we're struggling with infertility and choose to tell me they're pregnant in person can FOTTFSOFATFOSM!!!