Infertility insensitive comments. Anyone got a winner?

[Hopelessat30]

Sorry if this has been done before. But I just wanted a thread to talk about the absolutely awful and insensitive comments people suffering with infertility endure on a regular basis.

Anyone experienced this too?

My mother died so,e years ago - when we were still hopeful of the IVF working, but she was our staunchest ally. Ironically she was a gynaecologist so was able to provide really good advice. I feel so much for those of you who didn't have that support. As several threads on here in the last few days have shown, infertility and loss is so horrific.

My mum, on hearing we were going for ivf "I told you not to leave it so late" - we started TTC when I was 30 and DH 32. She was 28 when she had her first and older than I am now when she had me

My sister when she knew I was an emotional wreck, days away from starting ivf - messaging me wanting reassurance because she'd got massively drunk and found out she was pregnant. Turned out she got the bfp - but didn't believe it because it was faint line so decided to get drunk (she'd had three pregnancies before that)

Best friends advice - "get a cat instead"

Other best friend "get drunk and it will happen" (similar to just relax - both implying it is your own frigidity that's the problem!)

Yep I have had a few too.

MIL: have you tried doing a handstand?

While having investigations and we received the news my husband didn't have any issues. MIL: I knew the problem wouldn't be with my boy.

When I was 6 weeks pregnant after first ivf cycle. FIL: I bet you feel like a proper woman now.
I lost the baby at 12 weeks

People either ask the normal questions so when are you having kids question? Or they make us feel awkward as they don't know what to say and instead leave us out of conversations or the conversation is very strained around baby/pregnancy.

Just head over to the thread about the childless friend - plenty there.

I haven't been back for a few days on that thread, but AIBU (and elsewhere on here) has become even more of a hotbed of people who can't see past their experience, ignorance and behaviour and imagine that anyone else would have a different experience or has the capability of seeing beyond themselves lately. That, and an all abiding fear, loathing and lack of empathy for anyone considered 'other', such as anyone who isn't white, middle-class, and a parent (with no disabilities or mental health issues, naturally).

But I did have wry smile, before I abandoned that thread, at all those terrible busy parents and their terribly busy lives who also had so much time to piss about on the internet arguing how terribly busy they are doing important things that no one else could possibly understand, even though they can't stop talking about them.

Did I mention how terribly busy they are?

Yes Tammy. It seems impossible in the media or anywhere these days to see the word "mum" without the word "busy" in front. I'm not particularly busy today but tomorrow I'll be working 16 hours. That's fairly normal for me Ona Saturday during various sports seasons. So I'm a busy non-mum?

@TammySwanson I also had a bit of a chuckle to myself about how the thread seemed to turn into a who has the busiest life competition. I really wanted to tell some posters to get over themselves. I thought about pointing out the irony in being able to take the time out of your terribly busy life to spend hours arguing on the internet about how incredibly busy parents are and how no one childless could possibly understand how busy they are.

irony in being able to take the time out of your terribly busy life to spend hours arguing on the internet about how incredibly busy parents are and how no one childless could possibly understand how busy they are.

This x10000. God forbid that a parent actually admit that they are not the busiest people in the universe all the fucking time and that sometimes we are busy as well.....but that doesn't suit the narrative of so,e people.

And my friends wonder why I'm still so fucking bitter. It's because of people like that and their attitudes. As if struggling to get through the day isn't bad enough already.

I was told I'd be a terrible mother because I don’t like nursery rhymes, and that I couldn’t understand because I’m not a mother

I've been subjected to a couple of annoying unnecessary explanations of things that made me want to punch said people:

When a year into TTC and just about to turn 37, I took an enquiry from a journalist wanting to speak to a fertility expert where I work about how people over the age of 35 can't have free rounds of IVF. After hanging up the phone, I obviously started commenting on the fact that the journalist needed to do a bit more research because people over the age of 35 can and do get NHS rounds of IVF to which my boss replied "oh no you see, women, as they get older and into their late 30s, their fertility really starts to decline so it would be too risky for the NHS to fund."
OH YOU DON'T SAY, thank you for that piece of wisdom that i've never heard before and is definitely not currently ruining my life! (and obviously he was wrong - my FREE round of IVF a year later worked!)

Second one was a female colleague, who knew that I had recently had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, giving me intricate and unsolicited amounts of information about her pregnancy that she was telling some of us about 2 days after her BFP, including telling me how she had booked a scan for 8 weeks "because at 8 weeks you should be able to get to see the heart beat!" YES I KNOW thank you, because at my 8 week scan, like i told you previously, there was no heart beat. Thanks for the reminder!

oh that was cathartic, thank you for this thread! :)

I remembered another one - when i was telling a colleague how much I like reading, and that i read a couple of books a month, she laughed and said "you can tell you don't have kids!" Eye roll! I guess some people just don't think (or maybe I can pretend it was flattering and she doesn't realise how old i am!)

I was asked when I was going to have a baby by a work colleague as my marriage was pointless if I wasn’t pregnant or planning to be pregnant soon (cos it’s just that easy)!

Mother in law....

When I told her we were having issues and may need IVF she said 'how lovely'

And then when I told her we had our first appointment coming up she said 'best to not get your hopes up through'

leigh re busy parents. This is so right. I'm struggling with secondary infertility, so can see from both sides, and it is a bit much isn't it. My mind feels more full with what i need to do for my dd, but I'm just as busy on days looking after her as i am on work days. Just less free/me time than before, but that's part of the deal. It sounds more like smug self importance to me.

I saw my friend (no children yet) at the ivf clinic the other day and she was describing her long lie ins on the weekend to make up for their crazy early mornings because of their work. Wouldn't have crossed my mind to say "lucky you, I can't do that with dd" after their many failed ivf attempts. And when i see parents of families full of children 'complaining' about the chaos and how busy they are, i know i would do anything to have that.

We have been ttc for 5 years and have decided not to be very open about our journey to others. (It's none of their business) but the select few who we have spoken to come out with some whoppers.
Go on holiday and you'll fall fast.
Don't think about it and it will just happen.
Have you tried the fertility diet?
Your not allowed an opinion you don't have children.
Aren't you worried you will never have children.
We had trouble ttc, it took us 6 months.
(From my mum) your dad just had to look at me and I was pregnant.
My favourite is when people ask about my husband's swimmers.
(Cause I'm gunna tell them about that.)

💐 to you all, but loving this thread.
I have a large set of in laws who for some reason have taken it upon themselves to send us ‘condolence’ gifts when announcing pregnancies. As in a card with ‘sorry we’re pregnant and you are not’ usually accompanied by flowers or wine. I find it fucking offensive.

God people are such dicks

Some comments are well intentioned but just so staggeringly misplaced and just so obviously unhelpful that you just think WTF were they thinking

Others there's no way anyone could imagine they could be helpful but apparently people do think it's a useful contribution so one can only get more angry and bitter than those lacking clear cognitive function and any semblance of sympathy, let alone empathy, are able to pop kids out while we're struggling to have one. FFS

I'm writing a follow up piece to the article about why 'just relax' is a monumentally unhelpful thing for anyone to say to anyone struggling with infertility

In the stories people have shared with me so far there are some doozies when it comes to hurtful comments from the medical profession. So I thought this was ripe for calling out

Have any of you experienced vile comments, or indeed comments intended kindly but using horrible clinical language (incompetent cervix, hostile uterus, products of conception, blighted ovum) from HCP who are supposed to be providing you with medical care and support?

It would be amazing to be able to highlight some of the horrifically shitty comments we have to endure even from the people who should know better! (Anonymously, obvs!)

I'm so so sorry for all the shit we've all been through. It's so cruel and so unfair. Balls to it all.

Looking forward to your next article Bananafish81.

I didn't experience any insensitive comments from HCP when I was going through infertility, but I do remember after my husband had died my GP at the time informed me that whilst it must be upsetting for me that Tom had died, just imagine how much worse it would have been if we'd had children.

I walked out because if I'd not, I would have slapped the bastard. My father was a GP and at the time they both sat on the LMC and when he next saw my father he mentioned how stroppy I'd been last time he saw me. My father (who I'd told everything to) pointed out that my husband killed himself because he was so fucking depressed that we would never have children, so if we'd have been able to have them he wouldn't be dead. He also informed this guy that if he ever heard about any more patients who had been bereaved and who had gone for help being treated with such staggering insensitivity he would report the twat to the GMC himself.

My mother died some years ago, but was a gynaecologist and always hated the clinical terms that she had to use. Actually she tried not to use them to a patients face, but knew colleagues who did and didn't really care about the emotional impact.

@bananafish81 not so much an insensitive infertility comment, but I had a massive issue with the way my miscarriage and expectations for next steps for medical management were communicated to me.

Completely minimised and as a result I was alone, unprepared, terrified and at serious medical risk as a result.

Basically told at 11wks to go home and expect a heavy period with some discomfort. Jeez... if only.

I am still suffering some PTSD symptoms months later from the experience.

However I did use my shock and grief to good effect in the following days and weeks by writing to a number of people and proposing a full re-write of the sheet of paper that I was sent home with at the time, along with some suggested verbal guidance and support as well. I don't know if it was implemented but I feel confident that the people who needed to see it would have seen it.

Oh I am so so sorry for your loss. That’s horrendous how you were treated by that GP.

I was told (at the start of my IF journey) by one Dr (apparently reputable and certainly from a large teaching hospital) that "of course, you'll never have your own children!". He then examined me and I ended up with cystitis because of that examination.

I had actually forgotten that comment until someone reminded me of it - it's so unbelievable that I'd made a conscious decision to forget it. And, guess what, after 8 years of hell we proved that Dr wrong!

I was having my second chemical (still bleeding from it) and had been ttc just over a year. I asked about fertility testing or any testing and the gp replied, 'have some more miscarriages' and then I'd be offered testing - while I was in the middle of having a miscarriage and so dizzy I couldn't walk straight (which was the reason I'd gone to see him).

Imagine telling a woman to have a miscarriage, let alone multiple - while she was fucking having one!!!???

I then self-referred to a fertility clinic once the bleeding stopped and they told me (much later) I'd done the right thing by self referring and getting tests after more than a year...

Botanica that really resonates with me, I’m sorry you had a terrible experience too. I also was told it would be like a heavy period (although that came from a male Dr so perhaps that was my mistake in believing that) Ended up admitted to A&E via ambulance & monitored for 3 days followed by ERPC.

My two that stand out were firstly when I miscarried twins at ten weeks, the official report said ‘Singleton pregnancy’. When i corrected the nurse to say it was twins though, she said well it has no relevance now.

On my second miscarriage at 8 weeks, the consultant said (whilst examining me) to be honest it’s measuring so small I wouldn’t even call it a miscarriage. That stung a lot. As though I’d been pretending or imagining it. It made me feel so stupid. I’ve still got the photo of the pregnancy sac in my hand when I passed it, not that small after all.

What a thread to read through. I'm sorry you have all had to go through some insensitivity!!

I was actually wondering if we could flip the thread on its head and ask what were the nice supportive things that people have said to you when things have failed?

A friend is going through her second failed IVF attempt at the moment and I would love to know what to be able to say to offer some support without being insensitive in any way