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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

998 replies

icy121 · 20/05/2016 10:47

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Zippybear · 28/07/2016 18:36

glad you had a nice birthday tigerdog and hoping the scratch timing works out ok. Weird just how stressful things like that being up in the air can get.
meh wow lucky you are with that clinic! Fingers crossed it makes the difference but understand not wanting to get too excited
robberbride sorry my misery resonates so strongly but glad to know I'm not alone feeling like this.
icy and chocolate totally feel the same about the batshit woo, how can this work if I don't think it will? Am I dooming us with my attitude? If so it's a bit depressing that I see ivf as nothing but misery. Or is it self protective? Or is it just really fucking realistic - the odds are shit. No one would gamble this amount of money on these odds whilst repeatedly loosing! Positive mental attitude = mad crazy person surely
kiwi so so sorry about the baby bombs that is just horrendous. I don't have any answers for how to cope with that Flowers
Well on the plus side I'm actually feeling a little bit better now, well for today anyway. Just wish I could stop thinking about it all. What do non infertiles think about all day?!! It must be incredibly freeing not to have to worry about this shit!
Hi to everyone I've missed / any lurkers

icy121 · 28/07/2016 19:10

zippy it's self protective & realistic surely. As you say no one would gamble such sums on such shit odds. THERES A THOUGHT!! Can we open a bookies on our fertility treatment?! Use the money to pay for the next round eh.

Implications tomorrow. Trying to ignore it and not thinking about any of it. Can't. I veer from hopeful to despondent and that's no use to anyone.

Baby bombed. My stepdad's son (feels odd to call him stepbrother, we've met twice as he's older and lives abroad) married last year and the wife is (surprise) pg. mum told me. She said she was my sure if she should have, as I might be upset, but I said I don't know her so don't really give a fuck. But still meh. Nt what you want.

OP posts:
Zippybear · 28/07/2016 19:34

Yes icy maybe an infertile grand national! Add some fun to falling at the last post. God damn baby bombs. My dh struggles to understand why it's so upsetting. I tried to explain with a car analogy - Imagine you really wanted/needed a car. In fact you've bought multiple cars but at the last minute the deal fell through each time and you lost all your money. Meanwhile people all around you keep winning cars. Some when they haven't even entered a competition. Some when they don't even want them. Some when they already have 2! I'm not jealous of their cars it's the unfairness of how easily come by cars are to some people yet I will never get one. And cars are big bumps that are really in your face. And people keep plastering Facebook with photos of them and their cars being happy at the beach pffffffff.
four paws how are you doing?
And my last bit of madness for
the night theoatmeal.com/comics/baby_vs_cat

PeaOp · 28/07/2016 20:49

Hi everyone,
Had our nurses appt today and have the magic telephone number and script for day 1 ready to start IVF in the August window.

BUT - Just to underscore how completely out of control any of this is, I appear to be about to have AF despite it not being due until next week (importantly) in the month of August...if it comes tomorrow we have to ring up and hope they will let us start early (technically a July start) or wait until the next cycle for one that starts in August. Argggggh!

Hoping those in cycles, 2ww, waiting and lurking are ok.

loopylou1984 · 28/07/2016 21:16

Zippy I love the cat vs baby cartoon!

loopylou1984 · 28/07/2016 21:22

Peaop great news about getting the go ahead... Why does AF like to do crazy things around IVF times?!

Icy - good luck for tomorrow!

Kiwi and tiger - thank you - tbh it still doesn't feel real

I'm sorry I haven't kept up recently. I have been reading sporadically and am thinking of everyone.

Zippybear · 28/07/2016 21:27

im sure it's not that realistic sammy don't panic lol. Congrats by the way, proper well done. Really hoping you're not bothered by any more spotting

PeaOp · 28/07/2016 22:40

Can everyone band together and send 'f off' vibes to my AF? It can come on Monday please...

RobberBride · 28/07/2016 23:03

PeaOp I'm swearing at your AF.

Zippy I'm not sure the Oatmeal cartoonist has ever owned a cat... but anyway, I'm not showing DH, he's getting fed up of TTC and at the moment would much rather get a cat!

Hi Boggle nice to see you here!

Does anyone else worry that infertility is warping their mind? I seem to spend my entire life checking out other women's stomachs, or if they have a baby I glare at them and try to work out why their body works and mine doesn't.

kiwiblue · 29/07/2016 07:28

peaop F OFF!!! Not to you obvs, to your AF Wink

Robberbride totally. Sometimes I try to tell myself "this is making me a stronger and better person". Except it isn't making me better, it's making me an evil bitter person.

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 29/07/2016 07:31

Welcome boggle!

Chocolate and kiwi so sorry you're having such a shit time and feeling low. It really takes a lot to pick yourself up after repeated failure. You're right about the odds - my friend quoted that recent BBC piece at me ("most couples having fertility treatment will be successful") and I pointed that for my age, "most" is "60% of couples having treatment for 3-5 years". That sucks! I asked her what if a school said that her daughter had a 60% chance of being able to read after 3-5 years of teaching. Would she still send her to that school?

I'm such a fun friend Grin

AFM I've got whooping cough. Thought it was a throat infection but no, in the land of shite it has to be something worse. Find out more today but it's v contagious so have to stay off work until finished antibiotics. Also have to tell work so they can tell everyone else to get advice from their GP. Eeek.

Here's to the weekend Wine

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 29/07/2016 07:35

Sorry epic fail there and didn't refresh so cross post.

Good luck icy, F off peop 's af, thinking of you too sammy. It's funny how the 2ww gets replaced by the wait for the scan. You think two lines on a stick is what you're waiting for but no, turns out there's a whole load of crap the other side too.

YouBoggleMyMind · 29/07/2016 08:27

I just find myself feeling more and more bitter towards people who seem to have no issues what so ever.

YouBoggleMyMind · 29/07/2016 08:30

And for the small amount of people who do know, all I feel like I do is moan and repeat myself. I'm getting annoyed with myself!

PeaOp · 29/07/2016 09:51

Hello fiends. Your fab F off thoughts kept all at bay until this morning. Thanks for trying! I have rung the clinic and am waiting for the call back to see if they will consider me for this cycle even though I technically don't get to the top of the waiting list until 1 August. Why did hubby and I ever think my cycle would behave in this most crucial of months?? Call back could be anytime in next 7 days but hoping they don't make us wait that long if it is going to be a big fat "No" anyway. Hugs and glittery shit to all.

beanhunter · 29/07/2016 10:22

Fingers crossed peop. What an arse.

tigerdog · 29/07/2016 11:12

Whooping cough potatoes, bloody hell. Hope you're not feeling too poorly. It's on the rise at the moment. I didn't realise until I worked in a community hospital that the vaccine wears off after a few years, so even if you were vaccinated as a child, you can still be at risk. I also read a similar article about IVF, one that referenced a danish study that said 71% of those undergoing IVF does eventually get pregnant. Whilst that is great, I still imagined a group of four ladies, three holding their babies and one who never will. At least a one in four chance of it never happening is probably not the right way to look at it, but I am at a stage where I feel that I need to start being realistic.

Robber I totally agree, I think infertility warps everything. I am feeling quite numb about ttc at the moment after a couple of years of being distraught to the verge of tears almost 24 hours a day. But just yesterday I couldn't stop crying because I suddenly thought about my (perfectly healthy but now senior) dog dying before we have the chance to become the family imagined we would have, when we got her a few years ago. This is clearly not normal behaviour.

What living with infertility reminds me of is Narnia at the beginning of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Always winter but never Christmas.

Peaop, fingers crossed they let you go from here. Your clinic sounds like my clinic. Are you in London? Mine have a number where you leave a voicemail and it is impossible to get through. I now email /call a specific person directly as I am very impatient! Probably not supposed to, but they seem to be OK with it. Why is that bodies are completely predictable until the moment when you need to rely on them?! I was 9 days late, which completely stuffed my scratch appointment and delays my FET too. It has never happened before!

welcome boggle, you're in the right place for boredom and bitterness!

OMG choc your friend deserves a smack in the mouth for that comment. I would be fuming. For what it is worth, I tried relentless positivity for a while and it did fuck all!

icy I know where you are coming from too. I think that is all part of the trying to find a reason, which can include trying to blame yourself in some way for not being positive enough, drinking too much, not relaxing, you name it really.

Thing is, even the best chance is not 100% guaranteed, so it is hard to have that sort of blind faith in anything working. You do stand a very good chance though, you have lots of things in your favour that add to those chances.

I was very hopeful and positive to start with. During my first IVF 2ww, we took some time off, went away to the new forest, listened to calming meditations every day and ate healthy food, practiced visualising the positive test etc. When I did get a positive test, I was over the moon with excitement, but after the crushing disappointment of a short lived chemical pregnancy, I am not sure I can trust myself to be positive about it all again. Same with my last cycle. The timing would have been so amazing....we allowed ourselves to dream about it working and then felt like twats when it didn't.

kiwi I am sorry you are struggling. I know what you mean about being emotional and unmotivated. I have no interest in my job anymore, and I used to love work.

zippy it is all so bloody exhausting isn't it. Your post from the other day was spot on - my mind churns all the same stuff so often. Hope you're feeling better today.

bean hope you're ok?

Well, that turned into a bit of a miserable old mega post. Best get on with some work. Am working from home today, still in PJs and not achieving much work either!

fourpawswhite · 29/07/2016 17:46

Hello all,

Just sitting down to catch up properly now. Busy week. Got appointment in Monday, am dreading it to be honest. Feel really scared and sad. Have been lurking last couple of weeks but not really feeling myself just now. I have certainly withdrawn at home etc.

Quiet weekend and see what Monday brings.

Sad
Zippybear · 29/07/2016 18:48

Hugs fourpaws. It's exhausting, feeling you have to go and fight for it (shouldn't that be their job?!) I will be thinking of you on Monday. Whatever happens remember there are lots of options out there, this may just be the beginning of getting onto the path that does work x

fourpawswhite · 29/07/2016 22:38

Thanks zippy. I do appreciate your time and all of your advice.

I am in a dark dark place, making plans.

I have decided to give it to Monday and see what they say, after that, depending on the outcome, I may be gone.

I don't want to do a stealth boast, because that's not what this is about, but my dh is wonderful. He is a born daddy, I am 33 years old (just) and have loved him now for eighteen years, I have had a long, hard look at myself recently, and I don't like what I see. I need to let him go. And that is what I shall do.

X

RobberBride · 29/07/2016 23:14

Fourpaws no! Don't do that! All we have in this fucking nightmare is our relationships! I'm sure your DH would rather be with you without a child, or without your biological child, don't forget adoption or surrogacy. Please talk to your DH. In the gentlest way, do you have access to counselling? It sounds like you could do with a neutral listening ear.

Zippybear · 30/07/2016 00:54

fourpaws do you mean divorce or something more serious? I really don't think either is a good idea, I'm sorry you are feeling so down - it is completely understandable - but one nhs one size fits all cycle failure does not mean you will never be a parent. You have lots of options even if Eri is a dead end. If you have a wonderful dh the last thing he would want is for you to feel this way, or for you to leave him! Have you spoken to him about how you feel? How did he feel about what happened? From what the others have said it sounds like you were on a completely inappropriate protocol, there are many other things to try, I am happy to talk you through other options if you would like. Big big hugs

tigerdog · 30/07/2016 06:46

four I just want to echo what the others have said. All is not lost, please don't give up. You need to take your fighting spirit to the appointment on Monday - they messed up your treatment and you deserve better.

Please give yourself a break. You've been stuffed full of hormones and then had bad news and been treated badly by the hospital. I would not be a nice person in those circumstances, and you sound much nicer than me! After my first failed cycle I lost my ability to feel any joy. I started to resent my life and even my DH as he seemed ok, whereas I felt so so sad. We made it through though, and it got easier. You've been through a lot, miscarriage treatment and loss are extremely tough. A big paw squeeze from me.

fourpawswhite · 30/07/2016 10:27

I am trying to go easy on myself but I have never been one to take failure well. I have spoken to dh about how I feel and he keeps saying it's not a problem, but it really is. If it was just me to worry about then I could probably accept that. He was crying at the last appointment. That wonderful, strong, kind man was sobbing in the car. I can't keep doing that to him. How is that fair? I don't think I have ever seen him cry before. Maybe once. But not like that.

I will see what Monday brings but I really don't know anymore. I was reading back last night and the posts about visualisation struck an almighty chord with me. I used to see that future with a baby, I can't see it anymore. It has gone. Even if I really try, I can't find it. I think that's what is scaring me. I tend to be a bit woo sometimes with stuff like that. Nothing you could pin point just dreams and gut feelings I suppose. Like taking a different route home because I had an awful feeling I had to, then there being a fatal accident on my usual route. Or dreaming my best friend was pregnant with a boy and she didn't know. She was pregnant with a boy and was twenty weeks and didn't know, Hmm. I have a feeling it won't happen, and I don't like it.

Hope everyone is ok and doing something nice today.Flowers

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 30/07/2016 15:22

fourpaws it's so sad to read your posts. The bottom of the rollercoaster is a horrible place to be. I have had similar thoughts about my dh and how he doesn't deserve this, but then, fertility and infertility happen to a couple not to a person. Every couple is differently fertile and it's the combination of both of them that leads to a result. It's like any part of a relationship eg sex - good sex or bad sex isn't too one person, is what the couple do together. He sounds fab and I hope when you get talking you'll see a way forward for both of you.

Tiger that was a lovely post above. I know what you mean about your dog. You have all these ideas about your life - house, job, family, priorities and then infertility takes the choices away. And over and over you think "this isn't what I planned..."