The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

Really, really sorry Meh. What a horrible roller coaster you've been on. Take care of yourselves.

So sorry, meh and zippy. Life is so fucking unfair.

So sorry to hear that meh and zippy. xx

And so sorry to Zippy too. Also get where you're coming from with the weird post-failed-IVF euphoria of having your foof to yourself for a bit.

Meh and Zippy, sorry to read your updates. Hope you're both ok. Zippy, as for how you cope.... You don't really. But eventually the grief (because that's what it is) fades and you feel strong enough to make a decision on your next steps.

Welcome robber Brilliant knowledgable ladies on here!

Gah to baby bombs! Just F off!

Just wanted to update on my situation, I had hcg blood tests after the bleeding and they showed it to double in the 48 hours. I've decided not to have any more bloods done unless the bleeding returns as its really quite stressful. Viability scan is on the 9th August. I'll leave it at that, but wanted to update in case anyone else with bleeding stumbles across the thread and wants to know the outcome. X

Zippy - it sounds like a cliche but the truth is for me it has got easier with time. It's not gone but it's less raw and although I'm still sad I'm (mostly) not angry anymore. We are 4 months post failed cycle and have just decided this week we will have another go. For various reasons that will mean just over 6 months between cycles which feels right for me. Our clinic said we could start after 3 but there was no way I was mentally or physically ready for that.

Sammylou congratulations, that's great news. I've seen you on various threads for as long as I've been TTC (which feels like a bloody long time), I hope this is your happy ending.

Hello :)

Am I okay to de-lurk and join? I popped in and said hello in a previous thread but didn't keep up. Probably because I've been swinging between the recurrent miscarriage support stuff and here. I now feel myself identifying more with the infertility side of things.

Quick update about my situ - I'm 38 - I've been ttc for 2.5 years. I've had 3 miscarriages (one spontaneous at 6 weeks, 2 missed at 10/13 weeks respectively). Last mc was last August. Had investigations - have a clotting issue - low protein s which is treatable once preg.

We've been ttc again since December - no joy. Had day 21 bloods taken last two cycles - low prog indicating anovulation which I kind of knew anyway (negatoive opks, none of the usual 'signs'). In this time I've been dabbling with acupuncture, Chinese herbs (yak), reflexology, fertility hypnosis blah blah... yawn.

Totally fed up now. And down. Have an appointment at fertility clinic (nhs) end of August.

Will read back through to try and get up to speed with everyone's histories :)

Milz x

Congratulations sammy! Sorry i missed your news. How are you doing?

Welcome Milz sorry you find yourself here though.

Thank you all for your kind words. We had a call with the consultant today who suggested Mr Meh undergo a PLC Zeta test - anyone heard of this? apparently total fertilisation failure is less than 1% (my, don't we feel special!) And warrants a further look.

There is an enzyme which aids fertilisation and the PLC Zeta test can identify its presence/absence. They have offered it to us and we've taken them up on it - just waiting for more information about it as it is still in research phase. If Mr Meh doesn't have the enzyme, apparently there is a solution they can use during ICSI which may help.

This consultant seemed better, and more willing to look at alternatives. I just don't know if it will help or not. Meh.

I've heard of the PLC zeta test - very few clinics seem to offer it yet so that's great that your consultant will do. We also had shite fertilisation (2 of 9 mature eggs), but no clinics I spoke to were willing to do artificial egg activation (which is how they get around sperm lacking the enzyme required for fertilisation) as it's still in its research phase, etc.

Wooty (are you out there?) had this done I believe & it improved her fert rates by a lot. Though she's yet to have a successful pregnancy as a result.

Thank you Robber and Meh :). I'm ok thanks, no real symptoms yet which I'm trying not to read in to.

Welcome Milz

Meh that's really interesting, I had no idea they could do that. Everything crossed that it's an option for you.

Pleased you've been offered something meh. I wish we had been - was also told it was

Yes, here lurking . Not much to add to what you have been told Meh and what Bip has shared, other than we had zero fertilisation before we discovered my DH was lacking this protein (only 27% with normal levels) and then almost full fertilisation with ICSI and the artificial activation after.
Unfortunately I have diminished ovarian reserve so never many eggs to play with at ec but that perhaps makes the turnaround more remarkable, it was always my eggs that were blamed before.

I think it's great that your clinic has brought this up with you as it's still very much in the research phase as Bip says. We were lucky that our first failed fertilisations were in a clinic that were a part of the trial.
Fingers crossed it makes the difference for you Meh. Going through the whole process and have nothing fertilise is so shit.

In case it's helpful - I really struggled to find a clinic that would do the AOA part but Serum in Greece agreed after explaining the diagnosis to them.

p.s hello to everyone else. Thank you for keeping me sane

Hi ladies, could I pick your brains on fertilization please?? We've just found out our rather disastrous first shot at ivf didn't work.... We've gone from being "unexplained" to only producing 5 eggs, only one of which fertilized. We'd never thought fertilization would have been a problem as I've been pregnant twice before (two mc) and oh's sperm analysis was good. We've got our follow up with the consultant next week but was wondering if you have any tips as to what we should ask about in terms of sperm/fertilization. We did standard ivf rather than icsi

zippy how are you doing?

meh Hope you're ok. Sounds like there is something to explore there, and glad the consultant is willing to try stuff.

sammy sounds like cautious good news there. Everything crossed for your scan.

Choc I'm sure that others with more experience will come along and advise. Have you had more than the basic SA done?

Welcome milz, sorry to hear all the crap you've been through. Welcome robber too.

Hope everyone else is surviving.

Not much to report here. Birthday was nice and low key, drank champagne and ate nice food. Period finally arrived after a mega long cycle. My carefully planned FET dates are fucked, which is really annoying, so now waiting for a revised scratch appointment. Want to plan it all out but won't have all the details until 9th August, so having to be patient, not one of my strengths. Generally a bit grumpy, not sure why.

Hey tigerdog I'm really struggling tbh. After the initial disappointment I had felt a kind of elation at the freedom from ivf for a while. However we just received a letter about our Nhs appointment, they want us to book an initial appointment for more tests and plan to cycle in December. I just really thought I was going to get more of a break from hospitals :( I can't see the Nhs go working (one size fits all approach) and I feel like the last thing I ever want to do is more ivf. I feel like I'm on a horribly fast roundabout where all I can think about is infertility, and the only way to get off is either to decide to be childless or to do more ivf and I don't want either option. I just want all of this to go away. We are also thinking about an appointment with Dr Ramsay the urologist which feels like opening another whole can of worms. All of this seems so far removed from pregnancy or actually being parents and I don't even know if we would be any good, or what if we regretted it, or what if we had a disabled child, we'd be older parents, we are highly unlikely to have more than one so there'd be no siblings to help in the future... It's all just so depressing. And it's constantly on my mind, I don't know how to switch off from it. Sorry for the me me me post

Thanks so much wooty that's really helpful! I think our clinic (ofu) have ties with Oxford uni where they are doing the research and they can do the artificial activation at the clinic so we'll end up staying at the clinic I think.

We've always known that it's MFI, as we have been told the doctors think the radiotherapy Mr Meh had many years ago has affected his sperm. The enzyme thing is new and I'm trying not to hope that it will be the answer to everything!

Zippybear yy to "All of this seems so far removed from pregnancy or actually being parents and I don't even know if we would be any good, or what if we regretted it, or what if we had a disabled child, we'd be older parents, we are highly unlikely to have more than one so there'd be no siblings to help in the future... It's all just so depressing. And it's constantly on my mind, I don't know how to switch off from it." I could have written that word for word. Sometimes I am so focused on getting pregnant (or in my case, just actually ovulating) that I forget that the end goal is a child.

NHS funding has just been slashed in my area (from 3 IVF goes two years ago to only 1 now), so even though it is a PITA, if I was you I'd say yes to the NHS stuff and keep doing other investigations in the meantime.

Chocolate - we had a similar problem. Normal semen analysis. 3 previous conceptions (2 of which ended in mc) so failed fertilisation was a massive shock. Next cycle we are having icsi. I don't think the clinic have any answers for us at all.

zippy yes that's exactly right. I can't imagine for a second that the treatment will actually work. I just can't get my head around it. Then I worry that my lack of visualisation ability is self fulfilling (I know I know - woo batshit). Am doing an FET (start buserelin on Sunday), and that means transfer around the end of August (extended bus to avoid buggering holidays). In moments of being brutally honest with myself I don't think it'll work. Why would it - thousands of pounds in and nothing else has. I know I should be more positive/grateful, as actually I've got 7 frozen embryos, but difficult to get my face out of my own woes.

Dreamt I saw my ex boyfriend who accused me of being a paedophile () I then punched his face & advices him on Czech fertility clinics (I know nothing about Czech fertility clinics). Mind is fucked.

tiger we've only had the basic sperm test done as it all looked good so we stupidly thought that wouldn't be a problem.

Glad you had an ok birthday at least but you have my sympathy on dates being screwed. Feels like life is on an indefinite hold as that is easier than putting things in the diary and then having to scrap them because your period decides to go AWOL/arrive ridiculously early

bean that is really shitty. I think we'll be doing ICSI too but interested to know if there are any tests or whether they can tell whether its crappy eggs versus lazy sperm. Is it wrong of me to hope that the "blame" might be with OH for once?!?! I found out he'd been smoking pre cycle which caused me to go absolutely fucking postal and now feel the need to arrange some highly invasive tests for him as some sort of punishment.... IVF is clearly bringing out the best in our marriage!

Do you know when you are cycling next?

zippy completely agree with everything you say. Pregnancy seems so far removed from all of this and then actually having a child is another world altogether. When my cycle failed and I was questioning what to do next, my friend was all "maybe you should think about why you want to be a parent" which pissed me off even more considering 90% of the population don't have to justify or defend their life choice but just drop their pants and get on with it.

icy you are like a mind reader - I was having that exact same discussion with my bastard secret smoking husband this morning. What if all that positive mental attitude is the key?!?! I literally cannot imagine it actually working. Really hope the FET goes well for you - sorry I realise that sounds pretty lame!

Sammy cautious congrats, hope all is well.

Meh I hope you get some answers and glad you have a better consultant.

Chocolate sorry to hear that. I so agree with what you said about starting to over think why we are doing this (and your friend is not in the least helpful asking that!) It really annoys me as I feel DH and I are questioning why we're doing this, do we want it enough, etc, whereas everyone else just gets on with it and figures things out once they realise they're pregnant. Also hear you about bringing out the best in your marriage!!!!

Tiger glad you had a nice birthday. I'm not surprised you're grumpy, I'm also useless at being patient. Hang in there. Can you book something nice to look forward to?

Zippy agree with everything you say. How are you feeling now? You're being really strong.

Icy love the dream!!! And hear you re positive thinking. We're continually told we have to be positive, it always happens when you're positive/relaxed, etc (annoyingly the time I got pregnant I was actually relaxed, had given up, just booked trip, etc etc, so proving those idiot theories! Based on my current attitude there's no way it's happening for me at the moment!)

Sorry I've been AWOL lately. If I'm honest I'm not doing that well and have been wallowing. last week a colleague who knew some of my situation and figured out the rest took me into a meeting room and told me she was pregnant. She was trying to be sensitive but I lost it completely. She said some completely insensitive things without realising. I've since realised two other colleagues are pregnant, in addition to another colleague who had gone through the same as me and was a source of support. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant people. Work used to be a way for me to switch off from infertility but now I feel completely unmotivated and emotional as well.

Have to echo what everyone else said about the FB group- I actually feel i can be more honest, as it's a select group rather than the thousands of people potentially reading this! Also very timely support when you've just had a meltdown at work!

Hope everyone's doing OK.

Chocolate - sept/oct

Hello, i'm a lurker and also friends with robber from another thread. Can I join?

Here's a bit about me...

28 and TTC no.1 since July 2014. Today marks 2 years.
I have PCOS and rounds 1, 2 and 3 of clomid (50mg, 100mg and 150mg) didn't do anything. I was then given metformin to take with 150mg clomid and on the 4th go it seemed to do something. I had 1 juicy folly but it was quite late in my cycle and I started spotting a matter of days later and then AF turned up. Cycle 5 saw 3 good follies and a blood test confirmed I did ovulate, although I am not pregnant and AF turned up again after a few days of spotting.
We have a consultant appointment on 10th August to discuss next steps. Apparently you're meant to be reviewed after 6 months... No one told me this! I'd like to push for clomid again as it finally seems to have done something.
I'm currently on CD14 of a metformin only cycle and i'm peeing on OPKs hoping it might show something!! Also trying to lose a bit of weight through WeightWatchers.