The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

paws I totally get you on the funding - seems v unfair that you're deemed to have "one go" when you didn't get off the starting blocks. Always worth asking.

As banana says, your stims does seem low - I could maybe get my head round it if you were on a super high dose and didn't respond but you were no where near. How long were you down regging for??

Downregging from 1st june until 30th june. Well, that's when I started adding in gonal f but kept on with the burselin.

Banana thank you. Wonderful info there. Thank you all. I am writing a big long list. For the first time I actually feel a little better. Xx

Bloody hell fourpaws I'm not surprised you didn't respond - a month of down reg and only 225iu??!! There's your reason right there!!

Hope you can have a relaxing weekend and do something nice for yourself. Preferably involving and and

And just to say potatoes - echoing everything that's already been said. You have every right to feel how you feel. I know I certainly feel that way

I actually spoke to the counsellor I'm seeing about exactly those feelings and he said look, we can't control our feelings - everyone thinks all sorts of things, it's human nature, we can't stop ourselves from feeling anything and everything, and we are not our feelings. Sorry for psycho babble but just found it resonated with me. Regardless, we're all here to be bitter angry barrens and support each other through the shite that is this horrific process

And Bip - think of you often. You have shown such amazing strength and kindness and support to us all, it's just not bloody fair that you have had to endure the epic torrent of shit that's been thrown at you. Bathtub of glitter shit and big unmumsnetty hugs

Well dummy FET has been an unadulterated washout - lining didn't respond at all. So now we're stimming me. 2 weeks of jabs to grow eggs just to try and grow my bastard lining. We're not collecting the eggs which seems a massive waste - asked if we could donate the eggs to research, but Dr doesn't want to put me through another EC. If the lining doesn't respond then I have absolutely no idea what we do. Just clinging on to the fact it responded in the last 2 stims cycles and hopefully will do again.

3rd stims cycle this year. Fucksake. Better buy a new sharps bin

I'm going to do away and stop annoying you all soon, promise.

After reading the advice on here today I have spent the afternoon researching. I have the policy documents printed out along with my list of questions. The policy clearly states that if a round is cancelled pre egg collection it is not counted as a nhs round of treatment. Even if I pay privately I am glad to have found that out. It's the lawyer in me, I am all about the detail.

Furthermore, if I have low amh, I should have been on short protocol. As you have all said. So now I am fucking raging rather than crying. Now on one view, it's my own stupid idiot fault for going into this without reading about it first. But, you know, my uncles a doctor, I tend to believe them.

I will no longer be boxed into their sections. I will fight for the correct treatment, be it private or nhs. It infuriates me that just because this is nhs, they have not followed their own policy. This is not even about the money, it is about people making rules and then not using them.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts today, I really don't know what I would have done without you. Massive glittery shit to you all. And extra puppy dog cuddles from this one who is attached to me.

sammy just wondering how you are? Has the bleeding stopped now?

Fourpaws - glad you have a plan :).

Karla - thanks for asking, I'm surviving. The bleeding slowed a bit yesterday, and have only had a bit of brown so far this morning. However I am crampy, and so I'm kind of expecting it to start again at any moment. About to walk the dog so we'll see what happens after a bit of exercise.

Thinking of you sammy

fourpaws well done on using your lawyer skills to take on the hospital policy. I love the NHS, but it's a bit like democracy being the least worst form of government. Our system is better than others but still has issues, specifically the variation in quality between trusts and even between departments. When you get someone good it's worth fighting to keep seeing them, and when something goes wrong you have to push it yourself because otherwise it'll never be dealt with. Good luck with all your questions. Let us know how goes.

Thinking of you sammy , time must be passing so slowly. Banana your knowledge of all things ivf is really encyclopaedic. Have you considered going into ivf consultant? Hire yourself out by the hour to give advice to those starting out, it'll save hundreds of women thousands of hours trying to work out the system!

Thank you all for the pep talks over the last few days. I phoned my clinic and arranged to go back this week to discuss next steps. Fourpaws I'm inspired by your organisation so I'm making a list of questions and I'm not leaving until i have answers and a plan. I also talked to my acupuncturist and realised the trauma of the last cycle brought back symptoms of my vaginismus (ie the invasive nature of the treatments esp being swabbed out roughly during the big bleed. It was excruciating) and she encouraged me to talk to the clinic about that as they weren't very sympathetic so I'm steeling myself for that conversation.

Thanks for the ongoing support. You guys really are the best.

Potatoes good luck with your clinic appointment. Give them hell about not being sympathetic about vaginismus, too. And if you're OK with sedation, I'd really recommend insisting on it for future invasive procedures. I demand to be knocked out every time anyone comes near me with anything larger than a bijou dildocam. It means I don't ever have to get re-traumatised.

Banana I'm so sorry you're having to do stims again. Really hope it works out this time. What exactly happens if they don't collect your eggs? Do they all just go off of their own accord? Will there be any potential for belt-and-braces scenario, where you do an FET and also have a shag just in case you catch some eggs? (Because nothing gets a woman in the mood like having ovaries the size of cantaloupes)

Four I hope you're doing OK today. Glad to hear you're going to fight for the right treatment. Sammy thinking of you and hoping all goes well.

I have been waiting for the NHS clinic to get in touch about a date for the biopsy. My private consultant said there's about a 6 week waiting list ( that was 3 weeks ago) I hadn't heard anything up to today but got a call at lunch time from them with a cancellation appointment for tomorrow! I explained I'm on day 3 of my cycle which I think went over the girls head and that I need to be seen between day 18-23.
She said the next appointment after that was 13th September which I think will be day 5. Or, 27th September which could be day 1!
So we went round in circles with her telling me that the consultants are on annual leave that's why the appointments are so far away and me saying but I have to come at a particular time in my cycle which this month was 23 days. So without a crystal ball, how am I going to get an appointment on the right day!
I ended up just taking an appointment for 13th and put the phone down in a huff. The frustrating part is that the consultant doing the procedure (on the NHS) is the same one who did my EC. That I paid privately for!
Feeling post menstrual rage right now but too wimpy to argue so will sulk for a while.

Ugh, Karla - I really feel for you. Things are stressful enough without the added fun of being trapped indefinitely in the absurd computer-says-no machinery of the NHS.

Apologies for the completely self indulgent post...

We had EC yesterday and got 8 eggs (only one more than last time) and were told the sperm sample was better than last time...got the phone call this morning and not one egg fertilised. We have nothing! I went through this (including kind of waking up towards the end of the procedure) and we have nothing! There's no ET, no 2ww...nothing.

Clinic will keep an eye on them today and confirm tomorrow but I think it is going to take a fucking miracle. I'm numb and I think Mr Meh is broken.

Fuck

Meh I'm so sorry. That is so gutting. Was it ICSI? Sending you huge hugs and thinking of you both.

Very sorry to hear that Meh - so fucking shit

I'm so sorry meh that is absolutely gutting, sending a very unmumsnetty hug and 💐. Be kind to each other. Otd is tomorrow for us and with a bfn today it's not looking at all likely. Infertility sucks

meh that is really bad news, I'm so sorry. How frustrating and sad and annoying and devastating and upsetting for you both. Fucking infertility

Meh - I'm so sorry.

Thanks all. I KNEW it wouldn't work and was prepared, I was telling everyone that it wouldn't work, that I was doing it to prove that theory...and yet I still had that glimmer of hope. I'm angry at myself for the hope.

bip it was ICSI, with IMSI...I can't believe we didn't even get to ET this time. Fucking £8k down the drain for fucking nothing.

I'm so so sorry meh. The glimmer of hope is a killer. It's all just so bloody unfair. I hope you and Mr Meh are doing ok.

fourpaws am so glad you're feeling better - they shouldn't mess with a legal eagle! They don't really have a leg to stand on if it's right there in black and white in their policies. Glad you have a plan. And a puppy dog!

potatoes good luck for your appointment with the clinic. I'm all about the big lists of questions - my poor consultant gets subjected to the Spanish inquisition pretty much every time I see him. Am sure he probably thinks 'oh god, there's two full pages of bullet points, strap in!' I actually got him a hip flask engraved with 'For when the notebook of doom comes out'. I always feel better once I've got answers to my questions and a clearer idea of a plan in place.

And especially with the vaginismus - that's definitely something they need to bear in mind and treat accordingly (ie not be such massive twats). At the very least they should give you some valium for dildocam, and as bip said, sedate you for anything more invasive than that

I realise it's another thing on woo bingo, but despite being a massive sceptic, I'm now a total convert to hypnotherapy. I've found it incredibly helpful going through this whole shitty process, feels like another tool in the arsenal of 'trying not to lose my shit entirely and come completely undone'

karla fucking hell re the incompetence of the biopsy cockwombles. This whole process is hard enough without having to battle the system as well.

MehMeh absolutely no words - it's just so shit and so very cruel. I'm so, so, sorry. It's not enough that Mr Meh had to go through cancer treatment, but to leave this legacy is just so deeply unfair. Wish I could say something that would be of any comfort, but just know we're all here for you. Big unmumsnetty hugs

zippy thinking of you

bip I am on a strict shagging ban, because now my ovaries are apparently "grossly polycystic" again (AMH was 1.5 in Oct, it's now 62.2!!), and even on an ovulation induction dose of stims, my ovaries could still go off like rockets. In my last cycle in May I was on 150iu for a few days, then it was dropped to 75iu, then I was coasted - and we got 28 eggs. So on 75iu it's very possible we could still get a hefty crop - and if we trigger a bazillion eggs Dr doesn't want to risk any Octomom scenarios. Apparently we want to get me pregnant - not TOO pregnant. The irony is not lost on me....

Thinking of you all this week, massive unmumsnetty hugs.

Meh, I am so sorry for you. Hold each other tight tonight.

Meh -that's beyond shit. Having been there I can sympathise but that's no use at the moment to you at all.

So I'm now on my third period since the cycle of crap. We technically would have been allowed to cycle this time but consultant wants a month of the pill first and I didn't feel ready for that last month. So I think I'll start the pill tomorrow and we will prob be cycling in September. Need the pill to quieten down the old cysts then its planned for the same long protocol as I got a good number of eggs but icsi. This will be our second and final shot. I'm a lot more pessimistic and anxious this time round.

Thanks again everyone, you guys are awesome :)

zippy how are you doing today?

karla sorry the clinic are being useless!

Sooo in today's news, the clinic called to say one egg has divided...they don't know if it has done so because of the injection or if it actually did fertilise normally! Although I don't think the embryologist is convinced it has fertilised normally. Now we wait...again for a call tomorrow. If it fertilised normally then it should carry on dividing after Day 3 and they will culture it to day 5 (saturday)...if it doesn't divide after tomorrow then it didn't fertilise normally and we have nothing.

Argh...the mind fuckery of infertility!

Keeping everything crossed for you meh it's so hard to get kind of good news then have a long drawn out wait, total head fuck. I am also in a long drawn out head fuck just now - I got extremely faint lines on clear blue and superdrug super sensitive test this morning, negative on ic. The lines are so faint that if they were any fainter they wouldn't be there at all. When I had my last chemical the line was darker when my hcg result was only 11 so its not looking likely at all. The clinic have said to continue meds and retest in 2 days so I've had to scrap my plan to get rip roaring drunk this afternoon in an end of third ivf pity party. sigh.
potatoes have you had your appointment yet?
fourpaws hope you are bearing up
sammylou hoping all is ok with you
bananafish must be very tempting to have a shag!
karlafox that is infuriating and completely ridiculous! agh!
beanhunter good luck with next cycle, I also had a complete attitude change going into number 2, I think it must be self protective
Waves to everyone else and any lurkers. disheartedly kicks some glittery ds into the gutter.