The mind numbing boredom of infertility III

[icy121]

Are you Barren & Bored? You've come to the right place!

We do: swearing, empathy, bitterness, tears, sardonic laughter, glittery shit and mocking idiots who know nothing jon snow.

We don't do: baby dust, relentless positivity, "u ok hun", "I had a friend who..", pithy advice or sentimentality generally.

Previous threads 1 and 2.

Now that you've got all that down, welcome to the barren ghetto.

meh don't beat yourself up, you've had an especially tough time. I've also put on a bit of weight post miscarriage. Maybe just try to make a couple of small changes (I'm trying to snack less) but I think it's more important you look after yourself! Maybe do some exercise you like or go for a nice walk with DH, that should help you feel a bit better. I know what you mean about clenching your jaw, I do that too. And being bitter about people at work. My boss asked me to cover for her while she's on paternity leave soon (she and her wife are having their second, so they'll have had two in the time I've been trying). I feel bitter about that of course!

I'm mid first cycle of IUI. All going OK so far, had scan today and follicles are growing. Possibly insemination early next week. We just booked a holiday for 2 weeks time and that's what's keeping me going at the moment! I need get away for a bit.

I bought an OPK in boots for the IUI cycle and the young man behind the counter said to me "good luck with that". Um, thanks . If only a bit of pissing on an OPK would help!

Hope everyone's well. Bean and pebbles hope having a break goes OK (pebbles I think it was you said not sure if just delaying the inevitable, I think that's an understandable feeling! Maybe try to plan some nice things for the break?)

Hope all is going well for those stabbing, those waiting, etc.

zippy I'm so sorry to hear that. Thinking of you and Mr Zippy.

Meh I could have written your post. Wish there was a way out of this fog. I'm in full on miserable mode, thoroughly fed up with life, annoyed with DH and how he can just ignore things until the next attempt, surrounded by pregnant colleagues, just generally very bitter. Sometimes I feel like this whole experience has completely changed who I am. I constantly second guess people's upduffedness too. There's so many important events coming up, a big birthday, a family wedding, a holiday but I can't seem to muster up any enthusiasm. I hope things get better for you, it's hard when you're trudging through this crap to be kind to yourself.

Kiwi best of luck for your cycle, hope things contribute to progress well.

Glittery shit to all.

pink I'm sorry to hear that I completely know what you mean, when nothing makes you feel excited or happy. It's the most awful feeling. I was like that recently after my miscarriage. Also know what you mean re DH, they certainly cope differently- mine also prefers to ignore things, and that makes things hard for me.

To be honest I think the thing that has helped me the most is actually having counselling. My counsellor is really good and has given me a lot of insight into the fact it's OK to be sad and grieve but also not to let the negative thoughts and fears take me over. Not sure if you've tried it already or may not want to but just thought I'd give my experience. Really hope you start to feel better soon.

Pebbles - it was ok. Kind of can't believe I'm back here again though if you know what I mean.

Meh - sorry for the baby bombs.

Kiwi - at that cashier! Amazon is my friend for all things pregnancy related.

Thanks ladies. Exercising isn't the hard part, it's the eating heh! Normally I'm OK, for some reason there have been a lot of cakes nearby haha.

Mr Meh's pissing me right off, when he gets annoyed/fed up he disconnects with everything and I am to accept it. I don't get that 'right' though- no matter how pissed off or frustrated I am or if I'm busy at work, I still have to get dinner ready, ensure there's food for lunches, make sure everything is running.

Fucking fed up of this shit. Half the time I feel like I'm going through this all by myself, he does no research, nothing. It's all on me to organise the clinic and everything else. Makes me question why the fuck I am putting myself through this.

Argh he fucking winds me up! No apologies, when I tell him, I get "you'll survive" yes I Fucking will but God forbid you have to do something for yourself.

meh Men can be so insensitive at times, is Mr Meh being a bit of a 🛎🔚.. ? I am all to aware of how that can feel. My OH just turns up to appointments when I tell him too, doesn't ask any questions yet I have a list and when he feels fed up, he gets wasted. His parents say it's his way of coping with all the stress. lucky for him!

Oh meh I'm sorry about the general shittiness....it is bloody hard and as others have said, don't beat yourself up. What others have said really resonates. My first IVF and resulting chemical pregnancy left me at a low point, so angry at the world, so disatisfied with my life. I am managing better now but it's a numbness instead of the raw feelings. I have had points when I've felt the same with Mr T too. I really felt like he didn't acknowledge how hard IVF was for me physically and mentally. I just wanted him to recognise that really and it took a while.

kiwi I can't believe the shop assistant! What does he say to people buying piles cream or tena lady?! Definitely not on to pass comment on personal items, even if it was meant well.

meh I understand your bitterness. I feel the same a lot of the time. I stare obsessively at women at work trying to see if they might be pregnant. I've learnt that boobs get bigger before bellies so i must look like a right perv starting at my colleagues' chests. Mr P is very supportive when something goes wrong (always there with a hug and doesn't disconnect), but totally useless at knowing what's going on. Hasn't read a thing. Just turns up to appointments when asked which I very frustrating, I do all the organising. He had a bit of a wake up call when my miscarriage went epic. He kept trying to encourage me with healthy eating and exercise. Wasn't until I went back to hospital that he realised what a visceral, physical thing this all is and you don't just "shake yourself" out of it.

Zippy I hope you're doing OK. So sorry to hear it was BFN. Waves to sammy , good luck with the stabbing. Good luck to those of you with embies on board - good luck for the result, and for the interminable wait to find out.

And as for cashiers in Boots.... best not to comment surely? When I was miscarrying I went to Boots for super strength pain killers. They were over the counter and the guy had to ask me why I wanted them. I briefly thought I'd say migraine but then I thought fuck it and said "I'm in the early stages of a miscarriage". Awkward silence. I think he wanted the ground to swallow him up.

Haha tiger I know!! Definitely need to buy online!

Meh i get it. My DH also does mentally check out of the treatment and appointments a bit. I texted him yesterday morning to tell him how it went straight away and it took him more than half the day to respond. Sometimes I feel he doesn't think about it whereas I do all the time. However I think maybe he does more than I realise. He's told me though that he doesn't want to talk about stuff that's difficult, he'd rather try to forget it!

As tiger said I think it can take a while- it took DH about 2 years to start finding it hard that weren't conceiving, up till then he wasn't bothered whereas I really struggling.

Can you ask Mr Meh to help with dinners and explain you really need his input with researching etc, that otherwise feels like you're going it alone? Would that help at all?

Hi ladies

Gosh you've been chatty, great to hear everyone's news !

meh massive hugs - it really is the shittiest rollercoaster imaginable. I sometimes think that the hardest thing about infertility isn’t always the ‘not being able to have a baby’ bit - it’s the toxic effect it has on the rest of your life, and especially on your relationship. I’m sorry Mr Meh isn’t showering himself in glory - can only imagine how emotionally tough it must be for him given the nature of your infertility, but it’s not fair to take it out on you

kiwi couldn’t agree more with everything you said about different coping skills and counselling in dealing with post miscarriage fallout. My DH is exactly the same - he internalises everything, withdraws - whereas I am the exact opposite. I’ve found counselling a godsend in so many ways, not least of which is having an outlet to be able to get stuff off my chest and talk it through, and try to make sense of it all.

Great news about the IUI progress and hurrah for holiday - you’ve bloody earned it

pink can only echo kiwi in saying how much counselling has helped me through some pretty shitty times. That said, sounds like we are in v similar places - I just feel so worn down, and in misery guts wallowing mode - I just cannot be arsed. With anything. I’ve turned into this horrible bitter person and I really don’t like myself.

Zippy so sorry about the BFN, this process is just so horribly cruel. Hope you and Mr Zippy can be kind to yourselves

tigerdog good luck for your appt - glad they’ve brought it forward, I agree it feels so much more reassuring to have a plan in place. Summer of fun sounds bloody awesome and I should say an essential part of the protocol for any upcoming cycle!

wizziwoo, zenzie and Pebbles congrats on being PUPO! BTW Pebbles I had exactly the cramping you describe - just felt really periody. Assumed it was AF coming or the bastard progesterone playing tricks on me. Turned out it was actually mythical implantation cramping!

vixx so happy to hear things are going well - and echoing tiger, bloody LOVING your other thread. I mean, disgusted at the shite people come out with, but we can at least swap war stories together

Potatoes high-five on the painkiller explanation for the Boots cashier. Why the fuck should we feel we have to hide what it is? I’ve been almost militantly open about everything, and it’s amazing how many friends revealed they’d had 1,2,3 miscarriages, once I’d ‘come out’. I can’t imagine trying to bear this silent grief and pretend that everything’s OK, when it’s anything but, and your entire world has fallen apart

Happy stabbing to sammy & fourpaws (and anyone else I’ve missed who’s shooting up)

welcome sara and stick - you’re very much amongst friends here

bean and karla hope some much needed brain space and time off will be suitably restorative. Thinking of you

Echoing bean and icy - I’d be totally up for a private FB group - I’m on a couple of others that moved over from other forums, makes it SO much easier to be able to reply to threads etc. They’re all completely bulletproof secret so nothing appears outside the group, membership is hidden etc. I don’t mind having a crack at setting one up, if a few others amongst you wouldn’t mind also taking on admin roles (only admins can admit new members, so just needs a few peeps to share the load)

icy my guess about the long protocol FET is that some clinics do it for timing purposes. In women with short cycles there is a very small chance that they might develop a leading follicle unless they’re downregged first, but that’s obv not an issue for PCOS. And absolutely no difference for OHSS. Some clinics just seem to do downregged FET as standard, though would be interesting to ask them why they’ve recommended it for you?

BTW I’m freelance and most of the work I do is project based - charge a different day rate depending on the nature of the role; whether I’m slotting into a team for a project that’s already been scoped, or whether it’s a consultancy gig where I’m defining the scope (essentially taking on the role of project director at the outset). Different industries, so not sure how much use I’ll be, but do PM me if you wanna chat freelance shiz,

Grumpel hope all is well, I found the 3ww between POAS and viability scan much tougher than the 2ww - hope the new place is feeling like home, despite WhatsApp group numties

Took last Provera pill on Tues so am officially on knicker watch. Though completely expecting it not to work, so not going to bother trying to tempt law of sod with white knickers etc

HyCoSy on Tues - Dr said we’d cancel if if I had a bleed before then, but not holding out any hope for that. Never had my tubes checked as we rushed to IVF so quickly - so interested to find out what nick they’re in

Glitter shit to all x

Thanks all, I'll reply properly when I'm on my laptop. I don't think I've helped matters with Mr Meh. I've never broken down or just checked out. I got on with it and so I think he thinks it's all good. Either that or he really doesn't give a shit what I am going through. I really don't want to be around him at the moment, I just get so annoyed at the whole expectation that I will do everything and he gets to come home and do fuck all.

I asked him yesterday to help me with dinner and was told he was busy. I pointed out that I was still working and he was sitting around doing nothing. It didn't make a difference. It makes me think having a kid will just make this worse - it will all be on me with no help. He's such a nob. Argh.

I'm happy to help be an admin for the first group

banana I will help with FB just tell me what I need to do.

Thanks for the condolences everyone. I am bearing up. I was quite upbeat yesterday and took myself out for a lovely barrentastic lunch but then I had half a glass of wine with dinner and the despair set in (howls).

I spoke to the clinic yesterday afternoon and they suddenly suggested donor sperm with my eggs (we have high dna fragmentation amongst a range of other things). DH is definitely not ready for this, (me either tbh, really not sure about donor) and I am scared to even bring it up as it seems to upset him so much and I don't want to diss his manhood right before another cycle. I also realised last night that he ran out of his super -dna frag helping- supplements an unidentified length of time ago (he says a few days) and it just made everything seem so POINTLESS. Taking (or not taking) POINTLESS supplements for POINTLESS ivf.
Meh If it helps Mr Zippy does ZERO research and I have never really expected him to. Men seem to cope with difficulties by burying their head in the sand whereas women do by talking/researching the fuck out of it (gross generalisation!). Mr Zippy is the same about a lot of things - if we have to buy a present for someone he will just get the first half decent thing he sees whereas I have to check all the other shops and make sure theres nothing better. Anyway just thought I'd say you are not alone there. Sounds like Mr Meh needs a kick up the arse about helping out at home though
Tigerdog would be cool to cycle together, I was a bit of a forerunner here this time, would be nice to have company
Pebbles No fet here, we dont have ny frosties, we are doing natural cycle so only ever one embryo if we are lucky. Hope AF hasnt reared her ugly head, and they do say a bfp feels exactly like AF coming so fingers crossed for you..
kiwi Thats funny I had a similar cashier in tescos - I was buying three packs of tesco pregnancy tests (as they arent that sensitive and I was testing out trigger) and the guy behind the till said 'Boy, you REALLY wanna be sure!' with a big grin on his face. We both had a right laugh, mine more hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all. Imagine using a pregnancy test because you are actually pregnant and actually going to have a baby!!!! Madness
Potatoes good for you telling the Boots cashier the truth. Why should anyone have to hide a miscarriage.
I'm keen on the facebook idea too. Is it really 100% hidden? I'm always worried I might out myself somehow here and theres so much personal info I would never have shared with anyone in real life!
Sorry to all those being babybombed.
Hope all the stabbers and twwers are doing well.
Waves to everyone else

OK fiends I'm going to just read up to double check how to set up admin rights, approve membership etc (and obvs double, triple, quadruple check that it's completely locked down as a 100% secret group) and I'll get something set up for Barren and Bored FB HQ

As I said before, I'm a member of three totally secret infertility groups, and they are absolutely, completely private. Absolutely no way anything appears on your profile, newsfeed or anything else.

Thanks for admin volunteers - will get something basic set up (private!!) and will PM you lovely ladies who put yourselves forward, and get you guys set up too, so we can just test it out between ourselves before we roll out the red carpet for the militant barren arrival ceremony

Sound OK? Xx

Happy to help too if you still need admins x

banana 👍👍

My fear with a fbook group is that it'll turn out that I do know one of you in real life, then feel embarrassed and not be able to look you in the eyes for ever more because I've told you about my cervical mucus/period/hatred more mutual pregnant colleague!

That's what I suddenly realised sammylou it'll be our real names!! Sure if anyone does recognise anyone we are all in the same boat

Sounds fab banana. I don't have my own Facebook yet. Long story short is married name very unique, like there is only us. My Work is criminal and family law. Means to easy to find, so no link between home and work. I do however use DH as he doesn't but I know that's mega frowned upon. I have been thinking about setting up my own anyway so will maybe just do that this weekend.

Hope everyone ok today. Stabbing continues here. Hot and grumpy today, not necessarily because of the stabbing, just because really.

Banana I'll help xx

Hey ladies,
Been reading about all these seemingly uninterested men but I do think that if it's boring for us it's got to be fucking painfully boring for them kinda like when my husband had a broken leg and for months on end I had to wait on him. Yawn. Which not to say they shouldn't at least feign interest now and again but I truly don't think they get how mentally and physically tiring feeling so wound up, restless and sad makes women feel. I think it's vital to make time for yourself and force yourself to do stuff that would normally make you happy. And women should not be getting home from work and doing everything its 2016 not 1916... It is not militant to expect fairness it is basic decency. Rant over.

Sheepishly skulking back...

So after a ridiculous IVF cycle....do they actually get the impact of how much this stuff costs????

I had a positive test, two weak ones if that helps...but it's all shit as I knew it hadn't worked. I poured blood a few days later. Tmi...apologies. My 'wonderful' clinic haven't even contacted me for a result/ update or anything. I'm actually in shock about the thousand they took with out even talking to me really.
Ah...and my best friend got PG just as I was going through IVF....we can't even talk now. I hate the world and the sucky StuffIt throws you.

G

Right fiends I'm on it. Will be pm-ing you lovely volunteers in due course once I've tried to ensure it's unfuckable

It's interesting with the blokes as DH and I were talking about this the other night. We've often talked about the fact that one of us HAS to maintain some sense of distance and detachment, and that just because he's not on forums 24/7 doesn't mean he's not invested. Although actually he totally outed himself as he mentioned something quite obscure about the timing of the trigger, and basically it turned out he'd been googling IVF stuff at 3am unbeknownst to me

Some good friends of ours are IVF veterans, we actually both cycled together in Jan and May, and I've since found out that just as my friend and I have been being IVF mentalists on WhatsApp all day, actually it turns out the boys have been chatting a lot too. They really are invested in it, but they know that they can never possibly understand what it's like from our POV to have this overwhelming biological drive that's from the core of our being. Like acupuncture. We both rationally agree it's bollocks. But he can get why I go and do it 'just in case', because though he thinks 'what the fuck is she doing wasting money and time on a load of absolute woo', he knows the drive to want to do anything ANYTHING, to try and make this work, is more overpowering than anything else.

And he says yes he can appreciate why we feel and act the way we do, but that he can never possibly understand what it feels like for us.

It's bloody tough

banana I'm also happy to be admin! Think it's a great idea. (Get people's concern re real name but think I could be more honest as in here I'm aware it's public...)

Banana excellent point. The other day (after our IVF appointment we were talking about freezing embryos) DH suddenly said "yeah, aren't FETs more successful than fresh". I was shocked, we are still relatively clueless about IVF and I didn't even know that. He must have been researching (I didn't ask though).

Petite sorry about the cycle, that sucks-and sorry clinic have been so unsupportive, not what you need at all. Hope you're hanging in there.

Zippy that's tough re the option about donor, totally get that. Sounds like you're bearing up well under the circumstances, take care of yourself.

Sara I agree with what you said about you have to try to do the things that make you happy. When you're feeling down so hard to do but still!

Four paws DH has been irritable all day, think it's this crazy weather! So you're allowed to be hot and grumpy.

Hope everyone's OK!

Hi fiends - what's this other thread I'm missing...? Is it in infertility? I'm off to find it....

Re: the facebook group. Wah! I think I'm too scared to join. I love you guys but I love anonymity too. I've totally overshard about my vaginismus and other issues. I know icy works in the same industry as my husband and I just know they'd end up next to each other at a conference or something!

Boo. I'm gonna miss you if you migrate