The mind numbing boredom of infertility II

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

This is a thread for peole who really want to get pregnant but can't, who have tried pretty much everything, and are really fucked off about it.

Have you ever nearly punched someone for advising you to "relax", "go on holiday" or "just get drunk - that's what we did"? Well then this is the thread for you.

You won't find much sentimentality here and there's no baby dust, but there is empathy, a lot of swearing and a surpirsing amount of glittery dog shit.

Link to the original thread
original thread

Oh Meh that's awful about Mr Meh's cancer & the doctor not freezing sperm. Talk about adding insult to injury. And yes, people's desperation to focus on the positive when you are feeling desolate & beyond hope is so alienating & exasperating. Wishing the two of you comfort. It's all so much to go through. X

Thank you Meh and fractious too! Xx

Hey biscuits congratulations. Don't feel bad posting! Of course we're happy for you. We need the odd hopeful story to show us there is light at the end of the tunnel! Let us know how you're getting on. And in case it's any help, there is a thread for pregnancy after infertility
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/2584015-Pregnancy-after-infertility

meh you're really having a rotten time of it. I feel for you.

Hello everyone else! I'm loving all your updates although failing to reply to them all individually!

We're on holiday. Some walking, more resting. I have a long term knee problem which has flared up badly so lots of sitting for me! Still bleeding but it's getting lighter. Would also like be able to have sex with my husband while on holiday. Perhaps that will be possible by the end of the week. (Not allowed to while bleeding: "risk of infection".)

Hi meh sorry your friend has been so inconsiderate. ICSI is an option so of course you will try it when your ready.
Hope tomorrow helps in some way.
I didn't mean to sound ignorant about your DH, you must roll your eyes at people who suggest vitiamins etc
fucking stupid bastard Doctors!!!

Oh meh I'm so sorry, you're having an absolutely shocking time of it all and poor mr meh! What a bloody awful doctor!

Pink heels and bip, you've just convinced me to order the book! Could really do with some zen and calm in my life even if it's just the crockery cupboard!

Kiwi I hope you're appointment went well. Completely agree with you on headspace - have you tried one moment meditation app? My sister swears by it.

Icy I can't believe I missed your announcement! Massive congratulations! It's sounds lovely and romantic

Enjoy your holiday potatoes! I hope it's massively warmer than back home at the moment!

Pebbles it was Definately baby dust, or relaxing my consultant is as surprised as we are!

Thank you all, we're both cautiously hopeful at the moment. I'm scared that if we get excited we'll jinx it. Waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.

bip I think you summed it up perfectly! Right now, I don't need positivity as it is all shit.

pebbles you didn't sound ignorant at all, I hadn't mentioned it before so it's understandable! I wish the vitamins etc would work.

The thought of never being able to have our own child is killing me, I can't cry in front of Mr Meh as it makes him feel guilty :( such a shitty, shitty situation

Meh I really feel for you, it just is shitty. My thoughts are with you both. I don't know if you have already but could you try counseling? I've actually found it useful to have someone to talk to (mine are phone sessions which I find actually reduces any awkwardness). It's such a hard situation for you, I hope you can get some support somehow

biscuits thanks for the app tip! I'm very new to any type of meditation/mindfulness (my counselor recommended it), I used to be pretty anti. Might try that after head space!

My appointment actually did go well. Can't believe it, after 2.5+ years we actually have a treatment plan. DH's latest sample had really poor morphology, but previously it had been good, so they need to do another test to see how it is, and then we either go for IUI or IVF. Our consultant was great, very supportive and understanding. Do any of you know why DH's sample might have varied so much, does that happen often? Also I have to have the early cycle follicle scan so might need to ask you guys for tips (I think you recommended taking wipes etc?)

Hope everyone's doing okay... Sorry I can't remember exactly what's going on today but thought Sammy had something happening. Good luck and glittery shit to all

Yes it's my FET today, around 11 ish I think as they're running a bit late. In the waiting room now, I'm so nervous!

Kiwi - don't stress about the follicle scan, I had my on day 2 this cycle, and so was bleeding heavily. I just took tampon out minutes before the scan then popped back to the loo after, cleaned up and put new tampon in. The nurse was very good and had everything cleaned up by the time I got back. It was a bit embarrassing but I just kept reminding myself that they've seen it all before. Xx

1 blastocyst onboard! X

Thanks Sammy- hope everything is going OK! Fingers crossed!

Hello all,
Can I join you for a quick rant? I know the comments will fuse ( why did you marry him, you are so selfish etc)
How is it fair that because my partner had kids with a women in the past, I am not entitled to any help? Why do I have to sit through each mmc , chemical pregnancy and failed month to get then told " you should try be closer to the kids"
I really don't mind them but infertility is turning me into a horrible person, and I'm scared I'll end up alone of my own doing

1 blastocyst onboard!

Hey biscuits, I wasn't well enough to travel abroad so we're in Wales. Deffo not warm here! But there is gin. And cake. I'm still fat post drugs/early pregnancy and this is the last week of blow out before I do something about it! Lovely to hear your optimism. Hope you can hold on to that!

Sammy congrats on your successful transfer! Here begins the wait. We're with you!

meh I sympathise. The fear of never having kids is awful. Every time we have a set back it gets harder to believe it will ever happen. When the scan showed the baby was dead, I thought I wouldn't be able to go through it again. Now I feel ready to discuss it. It's emotionally exhausting, esp. when you've got other stuff going on like your grandmother's death.

To bip and all those in the 2ww, thinking of you.

Oh Meh. It's awful that Mr Meh feels guilty, on top of everything, and awful that you feel guilty for crying. Guilt guilt guilt. Another one of the lovely by-products of all this. Particularly galling when you can actually point to a person who is at least partly guilty - I want to go back and sue his fucking doctor for you both. I want to sue the universe!

Potatoes Glad you're having a restful holiday and hoping your knee settles down & that you manage to get your leg over while you're away. So romantic when your love life is reduced to issues of infection risk management.

Harold thinking of you if you're out there.

Biscuits Got everything crossed that the pregnancy continues to go smoothly. Loving the idea of so many of us furiously de-cluttering our way through the anxiety. Not that I've started yet. In fact I'm only 40 pages into the book.

Kiwi DH's semen analyses have varied quite a lot in terms of count, morphology, antisperm antibodies (sometimes loads, sometimes none), etc. Clinics use different standards of measuring morphology, which can also confuse matters. The first clinic we went to said DH's morphology was around 20% while the clinic we're with now uses a different assessment method (Kruger strict) and for the past 3 SA's he's hovered around 3-4%.

Sammy hang in there, blasto!

I've tested out my trigger. Piss sticks went negative 3 days ago. In previous pregnancies I've always had a bfp by 10dpo. That will be Saturday. Which is also my birthday. The last birthday of my 30s. The beginning, in fact, of my 40th year. I don't fear the result - I don't even fear not having children at the moment, that feels like such a remote & abstract possibility - I just want a break from the anger & sadness & anxiety, and I fear the inevitability of how I will feel. I have done everything I can to prepare, and still I know I will want to crawl out of my skin with misery. I woke up so angry with myself this morning because I'd had a dream that I was pregnant. I try to beat every last scrap of hope and desire out of myself and it just waits until I'm vulnerable and bites me in the arse. I'm just so tired.

bip it's pretty shit when you try to get a grip of the real world then your fucking dreams catch you out! It's so crap when your emotions get a grip. I've had days when I could t even get out of bed, totally overwhelmed by the thought of never having a child. I know you've been through more than I can imagine but I do feel for you and can relate on some level.
Hope you get past page 40!! When is your official test date?
Hope you are doing something you enjoy on your birthday
sammy yey for little embie. Take it easy x
meh it's so unfair what the both of you are going through. Hope today went well.
potatoes wishing you an infection free bonk (never wished that before )
Hellos to all of you, I am pooped and off to bed

@ infection free bonk!

Hi aaarghno I have no advice but stick with us and rant away! It sucks :(

fingers crossed for you sammy*

Thanks kiwi my work offers counselling so I might look into it. Glad your appt went well!

potatoes thank you for the handholding, the fear is real and it sucks, I admire your strength.

Harold am thinking of you too

bip we are birthday twins (apparently this is a thing?!), I hope you have a lovely day and it has some involved! I plan to have some prosecco and am looking forward to being on a plane!
The guilt is shit and I'd like to sue the hospital too...Unfortunately we might be too late(!)

I realised today that I think I need someone who I can cry to and just be comforted. No advice, just let me cry. I wanted to tell my mum but it would just worry her and that would make me feel worse. I feel like no one IRL gets it (which is obvious as they haven't been through it) and it's isolating in a way.

I had 10 years of IVF treatments. It's certainly wasn't a pleasant time.

But resulted in two beautiful babies

Interestingly the two times my treatment worked was when I had given up hope with my treatment.

Six years in and they insisted on using up the frozen embryos. I was cross as I knew the success rate at that particular clinic for frozen transfer was terrible. So this cycle as I 'knew' I couldn't get pregnant, I partied and went out of my way to do everything I wouldn't normally do. Much to my shock I fell pregnant. DS born .

My very last cycle after 10 years, my consultant told me I had almost zero chance of a pregnancy. He said he was doing this last cycle so I could conclude. Again I knew I couldn't fall pregnant so I lived life to the max. I gave away my pregnancy tests, drank wine with my meals and stepped over all the baby stuff in the hallway waiting to go to the charity shop.
My husband complained that we had been tripping over it for nearly a month when I realised my period hadn't come. The clinic scanned me and found a heartbeat! My daughter was born that summer.

Remembering the highs and lows of all the hoops to get through. Every. Single. Time.

The injections, scans, hundreds of hours travelling, operations and not mentioning the costs (we could have paid off our mortgage).

It is undoubtably the most rewarding and worthwhile experience ever. I appreciate that if you haven't been successful yet it's hard.

Your time will come.

Don't be afraid to change clinics. I did three times. Also, and this I didn't find out until the eighth year..... Treatment done right doesn't hurt at all. My last few cycles were done by a very experienced team including a consultant and not registrars. I just couldn't believe that i didn't hurt afterward.

X

Just checking in to say hi.
biscuits congrats!!
bip, sammylou fingers crossed all goes well with embies! I can't imagine what it's going to feel like during that 2ww. 😱 But
bip I hope to be as brave as you, if you can keep putting yourself through all of this so can the rest of us..
meh what shit you have had to deal with, is there no end to the bad luck some people are dealt?

Hi to everyone else including newbies.
If there anymore of you lurking, please come and join in the fun

Hi all! Welcome newbies! And massive congratulations to you Biscuits that's amazing news and I'm so glad you told us all! We still love you!

Everything crossed for your embie Sammy too!

I'm on day 5 of Gonal-F injections, scan tomorrow at 9am to see how I'm responding then another scan Monday and then flying Friday at 7.30am...feeling pretty damn excited about the prospect of a whole week binge watching films and box sets and ordering room service oh and going under general anaesthetic a couple of times is just a strange interruption on our holiday!! Hope Wales is just as nice for you Potatoes!

Hello ladies. Hope you're all doing ok. Just catching up on all the news.

Bip and Sammy fingers crossed for those embryos and, bip,* especially hope that you manage to have a lovely birthday. Meh,* you too after the fucking awful time you've had recently. Know that we're all thinking of you.

Laura hope your IVF holiday goes well too!

On phone so I'm sure I'm missing loads of people out - will just fling some dog shit at you all instead. That's the done thing, right?

I had my ERPC yesterday. Other than a mammoth 7 hour wait for it (we were on the emergency list given the junior doc strike and, fair dos, they had to do a renal transplant first) all went well.
Potatoes thank you for other thread advice of taking wipes, a book and stack of magazines etc, this was all hugely helpful. With this, some mega-unattractive mattress-like pads and the good hospital codeine-based drugs I'm feeling ok, even quite positive today. I'm a v practical person though so respond well to a decently executed plan. I feel like I can now draw a line under this and move on to the next crushing disappointment

Ugh, stupid bold fail