Fertile women in their 40s makes me mad!!

[esther39]

Hello. I'm 39 and have been trying to conceive for 2 years now with no success. About 6 months ago i was told i am perimenopausal as i had a high FSH of 20.5. I also have lots of menopausal symptoms too.
I am lucky enough to have 4 lovely, healthy children, (with a previous partner). My husband is 27 and has no children and we would have loved one together. He's a great stepdad to my 4, it's so devastating.
I can't even have IVF treatment as my FSH is too high and on an ultrasound scan i had only 1 follicle and was told my ovaries are quite small, suggesting menopause.
I know this sounds bad, but i get so upset and angry when i see these older pregnant women, late 30s, early 40s. It seems to be getting more common to have a baby later in life. I feel like a freak as i can't get pregnant. Every time i go on Facebook there is another woman i know, around my age announcing her pregnancy, or just had a baby. How in the hell are they doing it!
Of course, it may have not been easy for all of them, some may have had treatment to get there. But i can't even have treatment, nothing can be done to help me, it's over.
I hate these bloody older pregnant women!
Sorry for the rant, but please tell me i am not the only one that feels this way.

Agree with above. But I would also add that the snapshot of someone's life you get online is the one they have chosen to give you. This woman says it's only taken 4 months but who knows? (who knows if she's really pregnant, come to that?) Don't waste energy being bitter at something that could be a partial or even false picture.

You need to get a grip, you sound selfish and mean. Sorry. I have friends who have NO children, have had several rounds of failed IVF, and no prospect of parenthood. You have 4 children.

And to be honest Op if you have addressed the women on the other board as you have in the title you chose for this thread on MN....maybe you have not got off to the greatest start.

Wow, you hope this woman's husband dumps her? Maybe yours will, too, for someone his own age who can have children.

lauren all the very best! I really hope his works out for you.

OP
count your blessings & stop hankering after another child. Enjoh the family you both have now. If he leaves you because you can't give him a child maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Thankyou toobreathless

It's our 3rd ivf after 7 years of trying but our first with donor eggs, not what I expected at 30 but that's life hey :)

Esther Erilou had a friend who was nasty too and told her she would never have another child and to give up, she had a friend who mocked her menopause and had also had conflict on other forums, got some links for you on another Forum to send you that might help and some info on clinics doing natural ivf but you aren't on there under the user name you said you were so I can't send

Why are you still so angry? I'm not angry about you having all your children, I had tubes out at 28 and menopause at 29 with no children, I have a wonderful step daughter and I'm so grateful a selfless donor is giving me a chance at being a mum too next week, I will never ever stop being grateful for that

Keeping everything crossed Lauren....donor egg worked for my close friend and she now has a wonderful little boy....she is almost 40 . I've seen the journey she has been through over the years. She nearly gave up. Wishing you all the best

Ps sorry for thread hijack op

only1scoop thank you! I love a good Donor sucess story, its such a tough journey its taken over our lives for years I'm praying this is the one.

Esther How much does your partner know about how you feel? Do you keep your feelings hidden? Does he want a child or is it just you?

So you are getting your egg donor next week then Lauren ? Wow, it's all systems go then, exciting times. Really hoping it works out for you and then time next year you have your little bundle. One of the ladies on the other forum has just had donor eggs treatment in Greece and is pregnant with twins.
My husband has just about at the end of his tether with it all i think. He's fed up with my constant tears and mood swings. I'm always so bloody tired as i get woken most night with awful night sweats. He's actually now saying he doesn't want a child. Not sure if he's just saying that to make me feel better or maybe he genuinely doesn't want a child. If i had any sense i would just go with his decision and let that be the end of it.

Thankyou. Me and the donor are injecting at the mo, I started down reg in may and she started stimms last week. Can they try a different HRT for you?

I asked my doctor last week about increasing my dose of HRT and she said no, see how i get on for a while longer. Maybe it doesn't suit me, she said there are about 15 different types of HRT.
Think it might be stress bringing on the night sweats though. Iv'e been prescribed antidepressants to help with my anxiety but haven't taken any yet. Guess i think they might hinder my chances of getting pregnant.
Suppose i'm in denial ab.ut being in menopause. I know there is no chance of conceiving again yet still i hope and clutch at straws. Even thinking of trying acupuncture to try and bring my cycles back regular again, as crazy as that sounds. Menopause means no more periods. Just got to get my head around that.

Would you consider donor eggs then? I think it would be beneficial to you to move on and accept that you might have to exore other avenues now, I wouldn't imagine adoption would be an option as they would delve into your emotional state and I don't think you would be strong enough for the process, its very gruelling

Once I excepted I would never have a bio child I felt at peace with my decision

I would like to adopt a child as there are so many children out there who need a loving family, but as you say there is no way i would be allowed because of my mental state. I have managed to bring up 4 well-adjusted children of my own so i must be doing something right but the authorities would never allow me to adopt as i have had anxiety, panic disorder and moderate depression in the past and still do now.
I am considering donor eggs. It does bother me that the child wouldn't be related to my children in any way and of course there's the financial side of it. As i already have children any treatment wouldn't be funded and of course it would run into thousands. Money we just don't have. I have been thinking about it a lot though lately as i now realise this is my only option of having a baby. I know it wouldn't be mine biologically but i would carry it for 9 months and give birth to it and love it just the same as my other children. It would be my husband's child and at the end of the day, that is what would make me happy.
I did read that Create clinic in London also have a donor clinic in Cyprus which is probably cheaper.

why wouldn't you be allowed to adopt plenty of people who adopt have managable mental health problems.

A bigger issue would be how you would make the extra time that a child who was adopted would need as well as your existing four and of course whether your partner actually wants to adopt too.

It does bother me that the child wouldn't be related to my children in any way well then you can't really say you would like to adopt can you?

Think 'Manageable' is they important word here.

I have heard of people suffering anxiety/depression in the past to do with unrelated issues that's now been managed could possibly apply but not someone with current unresolved issues that are very relevant, they want to know adoption is your first choice not last resort and that you have 100% given up on a bio child and i have heard they want people to go on birth control. I doubt very very much the initial stage would be passed at present, they literally don't leave a stone unturned on all this would bubble over in my opinion

I don't know if your relationship would be strong enough either

Donor treatment does work out cheaper abroad if that's what you want to do, I do think you need to sit down and find out exactly what your other half wants too first

I think you need to resolve your jealousy issues and stop arguing about facebook accounts and petty crap before you even contemplate another child.

I know friends who hesitate with actually anonymously donating their eggs because they fear who may be the recipient....

they want to know adoption is your first choice this is not true
that you have 100% given up on a bio child this is partly true at least for now
i have heard they want people to go on birth control this is sometimes true
not someone with current unresolved issues very true however the issues do not ned to be unrelated to fertility issues, it is massively common for people to have depression for example directly related to infertility and very happily go on to be approved and adopt. But you are quite right that SW's would expect you to be in a comfortable place and have reconciled yourself that adoption is the right next step for you and your family. Many agencies will expect there to be a clear year between giving up any fertility treatments and starting the adoption process.

I wasn't for a second Lauren trying to suggest that OP should adopt - like you I suspect OP is not in the right place to consider adoption and it is very hard to get approved with four existing children each person in the family is considered and additional risk that an adoption will not work so large existing families are assessed very very carefully. I just didn't want to let the assertion that a history of mental health problems debarrs you from adopting go unchallenged because a lot of people believe that and it isn't true.

More to the point I suspect that the OP really doesn't want to adopt, that her drive is for a biological child which is the best of all reason for not adopting!

If that's not the case then I stand corrected, I have a few friends gone through adoption and they both referenced that they wanted to know it was a first choice not a last resort, but I accept I only have a snap shot of their experience

I know a lot of people worry about meds for anxiety/depression hampering their chances, just to clarify this isn't always the case, they will want to discuss the issues and see how your overcome/dealt with the problems and how you would manage reoccurring issues

just putting that disclaimer in for any outsiders reading

I would like to adopt if circumstances were different but the issue here is not so much about me wanting another child, more that i want to give my husband a child. After i had my children i thought i was done and dusted. Didn't imagine having more until i met my husband. No way did i ever think that i would lose my fertility so quickly. Super fertile up until mid 30s and then it seemed it just dropped overnight.
I'm not a confident person and i know it sounds silly, but each time i had a baby it gave me a huge confidence boost, in that i had achieved something. To lose my fertility at a young age has totally devastated me and i just feel so lost.
I do sound such a bitter, horrid person but i'm really not.
Just that every time i see a pregnant woman in her late 30s, early 40s i feel so much pain and longing.

From previous threads of yours I have commented on there seems to be one thing that stands out. Your overwhelming need to appear younger ....attractive....sexy....in a prev post of yours you seem flattered that he calls you 'his sexy milf'. There are numerous others which reek of your desperation to please him.

This must all contribute to an exhausting existence. As your previous post states you really only want a baby for him. I'd take a break from this all consuming life you appear to lead....get some help and try to move on positively for the sake of your 4 dc.

more that i want to give my husband a child

Umm... you do realise that you would adopt a child not a snow leopard? I understand but what you mean is that you want him to have a biological child. I wouldn't normally make an issue of it n general conversation but when you're specifically talking about adoption you need to be clear about what you're saying.

I quite agree that adoption would not be a good choice for you and you don't have to say "I would like to adopt if circumstances were different" just because I'm an adopter - about 50% of people say it to me and its really not true on the whole (which is just fine by me).

As for wanting to give your husband a biological child - I get that too. I had several rounds of IVF after other fertility treatment and years of trying. But you don't always get what you want and there is a certain degree of choice in deciding to accept that pain and move on positively in another direction, whatever direction you choose.

If you want a baby for him ( slightly dodgy but ok) have you considered donor eggs. I had issues mentioned above and researched it heavily and even after getting miracle ds think I would have loved a baby conceived that way the same - I also believe that of adoption now. A donor egg baby would be genetically linked to a man you love.

I do want to go down the donor route but it's a question of how we can afford it. Don't think we can, at least not yet.
My best friend has just texted and told me that a woman we went to school with is now pregnant, age 40. The sickening thing is, she left her 2 other kids to run off with another man. Makes me so angry. Also 3 other women we went to school with have announced their pregnancies in last couple of weeks. I'ts so painful. Just want it to be my turn.

You're just going round in circles, you had your turn, several times over, if you get another its an extra blessing, I'm patiently waiting for it to be my turn

Why are you angry? At what? Those having babies doesn't take anything away from you, I can't believe how many pregnancy announcements you get told a week, I hear maybe once every few weeks at my age group, you must be actively seeking this info out, ask your friends not to tell you, stay off FB

You don't know what went on in her relationship to leave her partner, someone could be judging you with all your kids and your younger man, she didn't give up her right for more children due to past actions, just like you didn't with your children being from a broken home too

Us women should look out for each other not condemn

On a lighter note me and my egg donor have our first scan tomorrow, praying my baby number 1 comes out of my 3rd ivf, must be amazing you catching first time with all your children?

I agree.... an extremely unhealthy obsession with fb etc. really don't know how you get the time to log on with 4dc to care for.