Fertile women in their 40s makes me mad!!

[esther39]

Hello. I'm 39 and have been trying to conceive for 2 years now with no success. About 6 months ago i was told i am perimenopausal as i had a high FSH of 20.5. I also have lots of menopausal symptoms too.
I am lucky enough to have 4 lovely, healthy children, (with a previous partner). My husband is 27 and has no children and we would have loved one together. He's a great stepdad to my 4, it's so devastating.
I can't even have IVF treatment as my FSH is too high and on an ultrasound scan i had only 1 follicle and was told my ovaries are quite small, suggesting menopause.
I know this sounds bad, but i get so upset and angry when i see these older pregnant women, late 30s, early 40s. It seems to be getting more common to have a baby later in life. I feel like a freak as i can't get pregnant. Every time i go on Facebook there is another woman i know, around my age announcing her pregnancy, or just had a baby. How in the hell are they doing it!
Of course, it may have not been easy for all of them, some may have had treatment to get there. But i can't even have treatment, nothing can be done to help me, it's over.
I hate these bloody older pregnant women!
Sorry for the rant, but please tell me i am not the only one that feels this way.

Lauren fingers crossed that all goes well.

Jeez I'm impressed at 39 that you even know of three people you were at school with.

Good luck tomorrow Lauren - I must be honest, I don't miss IVF one little bit! Adoption might have been a bit tortuous on the nerves but at least I wasn't stocked to the brim with hormones. Hyperstimulating was the worst as I looked truly pregnant for a while - not a happy woman!

Thankyou I really appreciate it, hopefully all being well her egg collection will be this weekend

Lauren fingers crossed for you. Have followed your story on various threads. Keep us all updated.

Thanks Kew

You know I admire anyone that is strong enough for adoption, I think that takes more balls than ivf, just dreading having to try a 4th try if it fails, this donor cycles stretched from May-Aug and felt rotten this time, lethargic and migraines, worth it though of it works, so so grateful to our donor, need to find her a lovely gift to leave at the clinic

Andcake thankyou! Hope that doesn't mean I'm boring everyone with it, oops!

Crazy thing is years ago I looked into donating my eggs altruistically, one of my first posts on Fertility friends from years ago was asking about that, little did I know....

Esther I have had CBT in the past for a phobia of vomiting, I had it private and nhs, works on challenging unhelpful thoughts and feelings, I think you would benefit from it

Are you afraid your toy boy will leave you because you can't get pregnant?

Ah no Lauren not particularly string but as you already know desperation mysteriously makes the weakest of us strong! Adding a 3 year adoption journey to the end of IVF made me so desperate that I think I might well have adopted a guppy if thats what they'd offered at my lowest point.

The "nice" (if I could call any of it nice!) thing about adoption was that it was much more within my control - there just wasn't (to the same degree) the swooping ups and down and total dependence on fate as fertility treatment. Maybe it was just my experience but I had 3 rounds of IVF which all failed in some fairly dramatic way and for totally different reasons (hemorrhage, hyperstimulating, sperm mysteriously dying before fertilising eggs). And although adoption was perhaps a bit more of a long term mind-fuck (if you'll excuse the phrase) I still believed 95% of the time that there was a child waiting for me at the end of it.

Selfishness drove me on - a marvellously powerful thing self-interest!

Horrible thing to go through infertility, I sympathise with anyone touched by it, I wouldn't of ruled out adoption however its unlikely we would get approved I imagine, I think after this go we will have 1 more then leave it at that.

My friend has just been approved as a single after years of failed treatment with her ex, she says once the intitial craziness is over with getting to panel that its a strange kind of calm as you know your baby will be out there its just a matter of time

You have had a rough time haven't you! God knows why some of use are made to jump through so many hoops, you may of read this poem as its seen a lot online but I read it often I will post it...,.

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

I know how devastating early menopause is, i had some very dark days when i was diagnosed. Never once did i feel hatred or bitterness toward anyone though. These feelings you have are not rational or normal, you need to get some counselling to help you come to terms with this.
I had high FSH and was told i would never conceive but i'm now 16 weeks pregnant. You need to calm down and think positive and stop being so jealous as it will eat you up inside. You never know, you may get lucky like i have.

Lauren that bought a tear to my eye - I don't believe in god or anything - but sometimes when I'm comforting my ds in the middle of the night struggling with sleeplessness I remember how lucky I am and that a few of my friends struggling still with the pain of infertility would love to be in my position and give ds an extra cuddle.
Good luck - you haven't bored me I've been impressed by your positivity

perkin I love a story like that congrats!

Andcake that's a lovely thing to say thankyou, thanks for thinking of us that haven't managed it just yet

My donor is having her egg collection Thu, its earlier than I expected, my transfer should be Saturday, praying for 3rd time lucky!

Got her a lovely delicate rose gold bracelet to leave at reception and a thankyou card (anon obviously) it wasn't expensive or anything I hope she doesn't think its too personal a gift, just flowers etc didn't seem appropriate

What an amazing lady hey? I hope her life is filled with love and happiness :)

lauren I am not sure I appreciate that poem.

I conceived easily and could not love my children more. My niece went through ten years of infertillity and heartbreak 6 rounds of IVF and eventually had a little boy.

The baby was put into full time nursery at the age of 12 weeks, = despite my niece having a year off work, and he spends every weekend with his grandparents so my niece and her husband can have picnics, go to the cinema, church events and relax.

Not sure the longing makes you cherish more. My first was a happy accident and I assure you I could not have cherished him more than I did.

Combust

Sorry if the poems offended you in anyway, I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone that conceived the natural way, it was relevant here as we are discussing fertility issues and I know it will help many ladies struggling, I know there will be lots of other poems for people becoming mums through all the other means

Us ladies who struggle get a rough deal sometimes and have to put up with all the 'nature obviously didn't want you to reproduce comments' 'gods trying to tell you something etc' so I think a 'pro infertility poem' is ok

I will happily put a disclaimer on.....

All mums are amazing and no child is loved any less regardless of the journey made bringing them into the world

I'm sorry to hear how you feel about your niece, there's exceptions on both sides I know but I guess it could be said how would you know your child was more cherished then hers? Just because you choose to parent different? Don't get me wrong I'm childless I have no right to judge people on parenting myself but you have done the same to her as what you think I have done to you... Think our child is the more cherished one

Thank you. I try not to judge my nice, but IVF or not she seems to avoid his company a lot. Perhaps other issues going on there.

I don't spend time wondering whether other mothers cherish their children more or less than I do. The way we relate is complex, and impossible to compare. I am too wrapped up in my own kids to care much how others feel about theirs.

For the record I do get where you are coming from and I agree its unusual, although I will be taking a short mat leave myself due to not being able to afford the loss with my company just paying SMP, my mum will be supporting us with childcare I will do staggered return to work from 3 months, if my ivf works that is

I read somewhere about someone having ivf then a termination, I found that unusual!

Wow. As the mother of a dead child who was conceived naturally, I find that poem utterly sickening. I could long for all the world for that child, but I will never see her again in this life. I loved and cherished her so much, I wish and will wish every day until at last I die that I was the one who died and not her.

Longing doesn't count for fuck all. Nor does struggle make one in any way more worthy or there would be no parents who hold their children as they die of disease.

I am sorry for your loss expat- I found the poem raised my hackles.

"and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better."

A disgusting assumption.

The poem isnt intended to take anything away from your loss, which I'm sorry to hear about

We all have our own heartache and battles, the intentions were not meant to discount anyone else's 'longing/wanting'

Report it if you feel so strongly about it I have no issue, someone will always take offence from something on the Internet

Believe it or not as an infertile woman it doesn't read to me 'my child's more deserved than yours' to be it reads my longing and journey has made me appreciate and wamt it more, not me and appreciate and want it more then everyone else, but fair enough if that's how it reads to you, its clear for every 1 on helps there might be 1 who gets there back up

There was a reason is was posted in the infertility board though, as appose to parenting which I wouldn't do

So why do you think you are a better mother lauren?

Like I said above, my intentions aren't to offend the fertile ladies reading the infertility boards, had I realised there were so many I would of edited, seeing as its author unknown there will be no copyright issues so report with the reason.....

'This woman thinks infertile people make better mums apparently'

Then I edit it out and make it more 'fertile' friendly?

You know as a childless infertile woman I read countless things in the press and in forums that discount my roll, my contribution to society and my existence, and that doesn't affect me?

I wouldn't know combust I'm infertile that's why I'm on the infertility boards

I myself will be a better mother than I would be without experiencing what I have the past 7 years I know that much

You do realised I didn't write the poem don't you? So if you want me to pick apart the thought process of every line I can't do that for you? It helped me, its helped a lot of infertile women, it offends several people too that's the Internet for you hey

Like I said above several times report it get it removed its no skin off my nose

lauren I don't mean to deny the fact that you seem to find difficult because of your situation. Many of us have had circumstances in which we find the world a cold unfeeling place.

I would have thought that your experiences would have therefore heightened your sensitivities and opened you attitudes a little rather than just regurgitating a poem like this which is quite offensive.

In repeating this poem on this thread we naturally assume that you- like the author of the poem feels that women who have experienced infertility are better mothers than those that haven't. The poems outlines this quite specifically.

We must assume you agree with this sentiment.

Ok well I have apologised, explained my thought process, put a disclaimer on, offered to edit etc, what more will people want blood??

To clarify... I read that poem as I will be a better mother for my experiences, not I will be a better than you, we read it differently, when I read it certain bits stood out and they are the opposite bits to you both

I'm not going to spend all night justifing myself I'm sorry

And if you read the actual thread you would see I'm not a mum so I could ask for you not to ask me why I'm a better mother when its clear I'm not one, I could read that as a dig although I'm sure its not