Fertile women in their 40s makes me mad!!

[esther39]

Hello. I'm 39 and have been trying to conceive for 2 years now with no success. About 6 months ago i was told i am perimenopausal as i had a high FSH of 20.5. I also have lots of menopausal symptoms too.
I am lucky enough to have 4 lovely, healthy children, (with a previous partner). My husband is 27 and has no children and we would have loved one together. He's a great stepdad to my 4, it's so devastating.
I can't even have IVF treatment as my FSH is too high and on an ultrasound scan i had only 1 follicle and was told my ovaries are quite small, suggesting menopause.
I know this sounds bad, but i get so upset and angry when i see these older pregnant women, late 30s, early 40s. It seems to be getting more common to have a baby later in life. I feel like a freak as i can't get pregnant. Every time i go on Facebook there is another woman i know, around my age announcing her pregnancy, or just had a baby. How in the hell are they doing it!
Of course, it may have not been easy for all of them, some may have had treatment to get there. But i can't even have treatment, nothing can be done to help me, it's over.
I hate these bloody older pregnant women!
Sorry for the rant, but please tell me i am not the only one that feels this way.

I'm also offended by your comments op. It has come up in active conversations, not normally a thread I'd look for.

I was infertile up until I was 34. My first baby was stillborn. I fell pregnant again at 35 and had my 4 children at the ages of 35, 37, 38 and 40. Yet, you would 'bloody hate' me? I have the same number of children as you (well, actually, more painfully I have five) but you'd begrudge me actually having them and finally beating infertility?

And for those women conceiving at a 'later' age, have you not thought that they have had their own struggles with infertility or may have not had a partner. I understand people look at me with my gang and think I am lucky (I am, but what a sad journey to get there, especially the death of my daughter); but they will never know the pain behind my family. I can only presume people have been through similar when I see happy families in the street.

Infertility is very painful, this thread seems to be a great sounding board. Through the heady says of my infertility, I am sure I would have lived on here. I think, however, you are coming across as very mean-spirited.

Esther

It's not about fairness and you know it. It is biology/genetics.

As I said before your anger and bitterness will eat you up if you let it.

Your hatred of older mothers/pregnant women is misplaced and your own situation ( already having 4 children) is upsetting to those who cannot/do not have children.

Sometimes accepting what you do have in life is the only way forward. If you are worried your DH will leave you because you cannot bare him a child then maybe he isn't the man you thought he was.

Take the counselling you have been offered because if you don't you will never get over this and that is the thing that could ruin your relationship not your inability to conceive another child.

I don't feel much sympathy for you. You already have 4 children while some people have the pain of knowing they'll never have kids. You should could count your blessings and cop yourself on.

I did contact Create clinic in London a few months ago. They said they could offer me Natural IVF using my own eggs. They only use mild stimulation. We really are not in a position to be able to afford any treatment at the moment though and my husband is against it. He would rather i just conceived naturally, although that's very unlikely to happen.
I am thinking of having acupuncture as iv'e heard it can regulate cycles in some women. Don't take any supplements apart from Folic acid.
I know i must try hard and accept i will never have another child, enjoy what i already have and get on with life.
Everyone has suggested i have counselling, women on other websites and my doctor. I realise i need it in order to move on and to stop feeling so angry and bitter toward certain women.
I think my real problem, aside from the infertility, is i just can't accept that i'm in menopause. Nobody i know my own age is going through it. I will less of a woman, dried up and old, made worse by the fact i have a young husband.
Most people laughed when i told them i was menopausal at age 37, even some doctors!
I just want to be like other women my age, years away from menopause, and it just angers me when i see these women walking around with their partners, some of them younger, as in my situation, pushing their babies around happily. Every time i go anywhere now i cry if i see a pregnant older women or a woman with a baby. Usually then the upset turns in anger and i actually cry with temper.
Need to sort myself out and get a grip.

I will less of a woman, dried up and old

And this is where you have lost me altogether. Is this really how you see post-menopausal women? Really? This, together with your focusing on what you don't have (a fifth baby) instead of what you do (four children you presumably love, a situation which would make many other women very happy indeed) makes me think you really, seriously do need counselling.

Some women might 'hate' you for the second chance you have. The second chance at a marriage I mean.

I've been single since kids' dad. Mind you, if I got together with somebody now, I wouldn't have any more children and that would come up long before the relationship became serious. I'm probably too old to get pregnant now (maybe not though) but if a man my age hadn't had children then I wouldn't feel guilty for not making him a father. I'd feel that that was what he'd not done for the last twenty odd years. I know your husband is 12 years younger than you, and I think that's the crux of your issue. You are trying to be 27 not 39. Good luck with that :-/

Really second (third, fourth) the advice to go for counselling.

Was it you that wanted an nhs breast enlargement and admitted it was to keep your husband happy as he liked big breasts?

The baby or boobs won't keep a man that isn't happy

"After twelve yrs of TTC I got pregnant at 40 for the first time. I know your 4 existing DC don't make this "ok" but your anger towards older pregnant women is not rational or helpful and you need to get some perspective on this. Those older women may be pregnant for the first time after years of TTC and at their age, it may be their last time as well. I really think that counselling would help."

This ^^

I finally got pregnant at 41 after 17 years. DD is an only child as she was a miracle. Sorry, but I am feeling a little short on sympathy for your predicament.

Oh, and I am post menopausal, but not old and dried up. I agree with Dotty's comments. You need to come to terms with it instead of letting your bitterness take over, which may ultimately drive your husband away. Marriage isn't just about having children together.

Celebrate your 4 healthy children.

And as you say yourself 'get a grip'

Or some counselling

It's very easy to take our fertility for granted.. especially if we've popped out some kids without having to think about it.

I've had 3.. I know my man of 5 years would have liked one with me but we can't. I would rather grate my face off than have any more anyway.

However when I get my menopause I know I'll struggle with the loss of my fertility.. despite the fact I don't want anymore kids.

You need to find away of dealing with your anger.. you have 4 that need their mother.

Have you told your husband you are menopausal? Just your comment about him 'wanting you to conceive naturally' suggests you haven't...

Tell him, if you haven't. I suspect that's a major source of your stress, if you're keeping it from him. And if you're keeping it from him to keep him, he isn't worth it love.

Are you afraid that if you tell him you are menopausal he will realise you are a dried up prune and leave you?

I just never expected to menopause at this age, was expecting it age 45 plus. I suspect it had already started a year or 2 before i even met my husband, was noticing changes from around age 34.
Yes my husband does know my situation. He is sad for me but he says there is nothing i can do about it, so i just need to take the right steps to feel better. As i said i have started the HRT, he is urging me to take antidepressants and i do think i should have counselling, as my mental health is not good. Not sure if my mood swings and rage are linked to my changing hormones or just the fact that i have got myself into such a state over this whole baby/menopause business.
I suspect my anxiety and depression goes back a long way as i had a termination when i was 25, which i have always regretted to this day. I never wanted it, but my previous partner, (we were never married, and the kids dad), bullied me into it, saying he would leave if i didn't do it. The times i have cried over this i have lost count.
So with that going on in my head and my current situation has kind of sent me into a meltdown.
Guess i deserve in a way what has happened.
Not looking for sympathy, was just venting how i felt and i apologise if i have offended or upset anyone.
Going to leave these websites, get professional help and enjoy the family i have been blessed with.
Good luck to all those on your TTC journey, wishing you all the best.

That sounds like a good plan, OP. Good luck.

Has your husband been checked for low sperm count? I would confirm that before you start any invasive treatment. My GP told me years ago that in cases of infertility it is because of the man's laxk of sperm count.

Please give the op a break. The menopause can bring distressing symptoms, both physical and psychological.

It's bad enough in your 50s, but to start going through meno earlier, and when you're still trying to conceive must be extra hard.

The ops feelings are not rational (which she acknowledges) but may well be exacerbated by the hormonal fluctuations that menopause brings.

Op, I was prickled by your posts, having had ds2 at 40 after years of secondary infertility, but my heart also goes out to you.

I wish you luck, and if luck is not on your side that you can find peace, and you and your partner can enjoy and accept the family you have - it's not easy.

My husband had his sperm checked some months ago and all was clear.
I know it's not relevant to my situation now but i deeply regret the termination i had all those years ago. Wish i had been stronger and not gone through with it. My baby son was just 5 months old at the time and my then partner felt he couldn't cope with another. I did try to have the coil fitted soon after the birth of my son but the doctor couldn't do it. The Pill didn't agree with me so couldn't take that and i got pregnant a few months later.
I do think this, my inability to have a baby now and this whole menopause thing has sent me off the rails. Perhaps it is my raging hormones playing a part too.
As i say, i never meant to upset anyone and i realise how nasty and bitter i must sound but i really needed to get it off my chest as i have nobody else to talk to.
I will definately get some counselling, get on the antidepressants and enjoy the lovely family i have and try to be content.

I had a hard enough time ttc in 20s I assume I'll be infertile by 37ish.

I want another 1/2 and it would be so much better if we could wait 5 years to ttc but I can't take the risk.

I know in a few years when my peers are having later on babies I'll be jealous but, oh well.

I'm sorry for your predicament. But if you spoke to my friend who is 40 with no kids and who has tried for years you might feel differently.

I don't mean to sound harsh - but you have so much to be grateful for.

Also agree about trying to improve overall health etc

I apologise, OP. Of course you're entitled to your feelings, and what you're going through must be hard. I shouldn't have been so harsh.

I am just at the stage where I'm trying to make the decision to give up.

I was 40 two weeks ago and I've been TTC for over 2 years and other than an early MC, I've had no success at all

I am lucky that I have one DD but I would give anything to have another one.

You are so lucky to have 4 healthy DCs (I know that you know this) but I also know how you feel.

4 yes FOUR good friends have announced their PGs in the last 2 weeks. All felt uncomfortable telling me as they know they've tried for so long. But the next person I speak to who tells me that I need to 'relax and it will happen' I may well punch on the bloody nose!!!!

I've had 3 pregnancies (1 MC before DD aswell) from planning everything in meticulous detail, so 'relaxing' is going to make no sodding difference at all!!!

...and breathe...

I felt like you 6 years ago. I was 39, been trying for ages to conceive DC4, and only succeeded in achieving one MC at 13 weeks in 5 years' ttc. Friends were pregnant with supernumerary children, mistakenly pregnant, etc.. and I raged.

Then I turned 40, gave away all the baby stuff 6 months later and got pregnant a month after that. I now have nearly 5yo DD3.

I totally "get" that rage, but you must remember in the depths of it that it's your child you want, not anybody else's. Other people having babies, even accidentally or unwanted pregnancies, does not in any way affect what's happening to you. I set up the the Hut of Doom and Gloom on MN during that dark period, because I felt so low and so angry that there was nothing that could help apart from moaning at the right people. I think the Hut is still running. It was an enormous help to me and many others when everything seemed utterly bleak.

Maybe, no matter how many children you have, it'll always feel like there's one missing.

Tell your h that there'll be no more babies and if he leaves he leaves. Piece yourself back together again. Don't jump through hoops for him.

ps, yes, I apologise if I was too hard on you as well. I have been in a bad place myself, and about 7 years ago I posted something ill-judged on mn (begrudgery borne out resentment that sympathy was shown to one group of society but not another). And I was savaged. Torn apart. 18 pages of vitriolic supercilious posters taking swipe after swipe at me. So I'd never want to be part of something like that. I'll never forget the nastiness directed at me because I dared to voice resentment.

Sorry if people think I'm being harsh to op but I spent ages last time advising, gathering info, researching and sharing experiences whilst I was going through it myself and you were so so rude and ungrateful to a lot of people op, I even stuck up for you myself and said then that people were being harsh

I know first hand what menopause can do to you emotionally, but it didn't change the person who I am, I would still never wish bad of anyone else, I would still always help someone who needed it

I wish so much that I hadn't gone into the menopause at 29 with no children, but everytime I see a lady with a BFP I think thank f**k that's one less going through the daily heartache I'm going through